Secret Life
by MandyLeigh87
Summary: Bella meets and instantly hates Edward Cullen, her roommate's brother. But they both have secrets in their life that bring them closer in life and love than they ever imagined. AH E/B
1. The Bumper

A/N:

**Follow me on twitter at MandyLeigh010**

**Friend me on Facebook MandyLeigh Fanfic**

**Ask me anything on formspring! Link is on my profile  
**

**Twilighted Forum is listed under my profile and also provides a code for the SL blinkie.  
**

**The link to the blog is listed on my profile. It includes a playlist and will have teasers ect, as will twitter. There is one very important song missing from the playlist because they didn't have it *rage* and it's what this story is named for. It's Secret Life by Thriving Ivory so make sure to check it out.  
**

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.  
**

**

* * *

**

**Bella**

"Mocha latte," I said to the cashier, handing her my money. I stepped quickly to the side while I waited for my order and started playing with the ends of my long chocolate colored hair. My fellow customers were mostly typical New Yorkers, tapping their feet impatiently or chattering rapidly on their cell phones to Wall Street. The woman standing across from me was gnawing nervously on her nails, which told me that she had no business buying any caffeine. A man dressed in a business like suit argued quietly on his cell phone, while punching feverously at his PDA, which seemed to be malfunctioning. I laughed quietly at his mounting frustration when he began to pound the pen so hard to the screen that it snapped in half.

My order came up and I pushed my way through the large group of people who had assembled waiting for their morning pick me up. A couple was just getting up from a red leather couch that was seated close to the great stone fireplace in the center of the coffee house. I slinked over quickly to snatch a spot before it got taken. The fire was burning low and I smiled at the warmth radiating from it as I took a sip from my drink. Winter in New York was definitely not kind. I had just moved here a few months ago from Northern Michigan to go to NYU, but the cold was different back home. It wasn't like you had to walk absolutely everywhere there.

I pulled out my book from my bag and turned it to a random page. It didn't matter where it was, I had read it so many times I could pick up the story within a few sentences. I sat by the fire for a few minutes, being consumed by the warmth and drawn into the world of Jane Austen. I was only vaguely aware of the world around me, until someone, I wasn't sure who at the time, bumped into my arm spilling my drink everywhere.

"Damn it!" I yelled, shaking the burning liquid off my skin and practically ringing out my book. It was basically ruined. I sat there, expecting an apology. New Yorkers weren't known for their kindness, but even this granted some kind of 'sorry,' even if it was mumbled in passing. I glanced up to suspiciously eye my 'bumper,' but he was totally oblivious. He was tall, with his muscles clearly visible through his faded brown leather jacket. He was no body builder, but I could tell he was subtly built. His dusty bronze hair was sticking out every which way from the top of his head, the color complementing his sun-kissed skin.

He swooped down, taking the other side of the couch for himself and setting his large bag and something else I couldn't quite see down beside him. I glared at him fiercely, willing him to meet my gaze and show him what he had done, but he was too consumed in his own world blasting his IPod and tapping idly on his knees.

_Unbelievable, _I thought to myself. I continued to wipe myself off, exaggerating every move hoping to catch his eye. My efforts were not rewarded. I stared back at him, even more agitated than before.

"Ugh," I sighed, sitting back into my seat. His eyes shifted briefly towards me, but didn't look before he turned his attention back to his personal jam session.

I began to tap my foot lightly, my frustrations beginning to boil over. I absentmindedly glanced up at the clock and realized I was about to be late for work, again. I quickly gathered my things, shoving them into my bag and headed out the door, giving up on the battle with coffee guy.

The winter air hit me hard, like usual. I snuggled closer into my knitted scarf and pulled the very non-matching hat over my head as I crossed the busy street. I turned the corner and sprinted the last few steps to the front door of the museum. It must have been a good day; I only almost got run over 3 times and didn't even get the normal New York 'Hello.' Actually it wasn't a 'Hello' at all, it usually consisted of words that weren't heard in a polite conversation. That was New York though, and even though it was rough and gritty and so different from what I knew back home, I loved it. I loved the colors of Central Park in the fall, and the Thanksgiving Day parade, and I'm sure I would love ice skating in Rockefeller Center once I got the chance to. Classes and work kept me pretty busy, well until tomorrow when I was on holiday break for four weeks.

I quickly checked in with my boss, before heading down to the "dungeon," as we called it. The archives, where I'd go sometimes to research, were in the creepy old basement of the museum. I opened my notebook to where I had ended my work the previous day and got lost in the world of France around the French Revolution. Marie Antoinette to be exact. She was the topic of my research paper that was due at the end of the year. I was so excited to land this internship, it was just what I needed.

The day passed by quickly, as it usually did. I closed my notebook, marking the page so I could return to it later and bolted out the door. It was dark outside, and much cooler so I decided to take a cab back to my apartment. I lived in the Meat Packing District, which was supposedly the up and coming neighborhood in the city. The rent was fairly cheap and I found it pretty quickly, which is saying a lot in New York City. Some apartments had waiting lists that were years long, so I was lucky. My roommate Alice had already lived there for a year. She was a model and breathtakingly gorgeous, which always made me feel plainer than I already was.

It took me longer than usual to hail a cab, probably because of the cold weather. Nobody felt like walking anywhere. The cabbie was an old man, probably in his late 60's, with a thick Brooklyn accent.

"Where to love?" He asked, glancing in the back seat.

I told him my address as I began to detangle the wet mess that was formerly my hair. The snow had really started falling while I was waiting.

"So, you from New York?" He asked, trying to make conversation, as most cabbies did. I could imagine that it must be a very boring and stressful job at the same time.

"No, I'm actually from Northern Michigan, the Upper Peninsula. I'm here going to college," I answered back, trying to be polite.

"Michigan, wow. Never been there. I've lived my whole life in New York, grew up in Brooklyn." I smiled at him as I gazed out the window.

He went on and on about his childhood and his life in New York as I watched the snowfall blanketing the city. As we reached my place, I dove into my bag to find my wallet and pulled out a $20 dollar bill. I was always a generous tipper, even though I didn't have a lot of money.

"Here you go," I said handing him the money with a smile. "Have a Merry Christmas."

"You too honey, thanks!" He called as I stepped out of the cab and looked up at my window. It was black, Alice must not be home. She was probably out, like usual. I climbed the stairs slowly, utterly exhausted from my day. My key stuck in the lock, also like usual and I gave it a little jingle to release it. The answering machine was blinking, twelve messages. I pushed play as I hung my coat up in the closest and deposited my keys in the bowl on the small table close to the door. The first eleven messages were for Alice: from her agent, from a casting director, from her mother, from her boyfriend, from her other boyfriend. The last one was for me.

"Hey Bella, it's Al. I'm going out tonight with Jesse…no Jerry, Jimmy. Jimmy. I probably won't be home until late so don't wait up. Kisses!"

"Ha," I laughed at her, Alice could be pretty entertaining, especially when she couldn't remember her date's name. It was so weird to me that we clicked as instantly as we did. I remember the first day we met.

It was my first day in New York and I was staying in a crappy motel until I could find myself an apartment. I had just gone through a long day of no-goes so I decided to take a break and grab a bite to eat. I ordered a sandwich and sat down at a table by myself, and began to wallow in the major failure of finding myself a place. I had called my mom, complaining about my day when I heard a voice up at the counter, having a pretty animated conversation with someone on a cell phone.

"Yeah that bitch totally backed out on me…and she stole my black shoes."

I turned towards the voice. There was a girl, very tall and very slim, standing at the counter. Her short dark hair was tucked behind her ear and she tapped her finger on the tabletop.

"Yeah the ones with the ruffles," she said, making a pouty face. "But that's not even the worst part, now I'm stuck with no roommate," she complained.

I smiled. She's perfect. Perfectly desperate. And she seemed normal…well normal enough. I waited until she ended her conversation and sauntered over to sit at the table behind me.

"Excuse me? Did I just hear you needed a roommate?"

Her face lit up and she smiled.

"Did I hear you needed an apartment?"

I grinned back at her and that was it. Instant-friends. I moved in the next day with the little amount of things that I had.

I hadn't realized I'd fallen fast asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I'd even left my television on. I woke up to a noise out in the living room and turned over slowly to see my alarm clock that read 2 a.m. She calls this late? It was nothing for Alice to stay out until 5 or 6 in the morning, if she came home at all.

I pulled myself lazily out of bed, needing some water. I didn't worry about being particularly quiet. If Alice was sleeping, she was knocked out for the night. I started humming the song that I had stuck in my head earlier that day. The humming progressed quickly to a dance session as I made my way to the fridge.

The fridge was set on the far end of our small kitchen, so I had to maneuver my way around all the obstacles. There were two pairs of shoes by the front door, one pair was mine and the other definitely wasn't Alice's. They were boots, men's boots. _What the hell?_

I turned the light on to get a better look, leaning down close to examine the alien shoes that were taking up residence in my doorway. They definitely looked worse for wear, with little dark spots all over them. I straightened back up, decided to shrug it off and head back to bed. As I turned and reached for the light switch I froze instantly. I wasn't alone in the room.

There was a dark figure perched on my couch, half lying down, half sitting up. He was squinting into the light with his hand over his eyes so I couldn't see his face.

I let out a piercing scream and started darting for the place where we kept our knives. Flinging the drawer open, I grabbed the largest one I could see and held it up in front of me.

"We don't have any money or valuables in here, so if that's what you're after you won't get much. And if you're after something else, well, I'm a black belt in karate so, uh, I wouldn't mess with me if I were you," I shrieked at the figure.

"What you would just dance me to death?" The man spoke.

I cringed on the inside, but held my stone cold stare.

"You must be Bella…Alice's roommate. And I'm assuming she didn't tell you I was staying here. I'm her brother, Edward."

"How the hell did you get in here?" I said, knife flailing with every word.

"Can you possibly put the knife down, I come in peace."

I set the knife down on the counter, making sure it was within reaching distance.

"How did you get in here?" I asked again, a little more calmly.

"Alice told the front desk I would be coming, your doorman…what's his name? David?"

"Dale," I corrected him.

"Right Dale, he let me in. Alice said I could stay here while I look for my own place. I just moved here from L.A."

I was starting to believe his story. That did sound like something Alice would forget to tell me, and she did mention she had family in California.

"Okay fine I believe you," I said in defeat.

"Phew, I thought you were going to butcher me," he said laughing.

"Yeah I felt the same way about you," I said, still eyeing him. I still couldn't see his face. "Would you like a glass?" I said holding up my glass.

"What is that? Kool-aid?" He said with laugh. It was almost condescending.

"So what if it is?" I said defensively. I liked it, even if it was childish.

"Sure I'd love a glass," he said as he started to get up.

I opened the cupboard over the sink and pulled out another glass. I heard him sit down at the barstool behind me. I grabbed some ice and plinked them down into the glass before filling it with the purple Kool-aid.

"So what's your favorite flavor?" He asked curiously.

"Hmmm…" I said turning. "I think I'll have to go with blueber…ry." I stopped when I turned around and saw his face. It was _him._ The guy from the coffee shop. The 'bumper.' My eyes narrowed towards him.

"Whoa what did I do now?" He said, holding his hands up mockingly.

"You don't remember me?" I asked, absolutely seething.

"No…" he answered, looking very confused.

"The coffee shop this morning…" I started, assuming he would catch on.

He stared back with no sign of recognition on his face. "You were there?"

"You bumped into me…by the fireplace…spilled my drink all over me…ruined my book?" I could feel my voice growing louder and angrier with each clue I gave him.

"You were the girl reading by the fire," he smirked. "Are you sure it was me who spilled your drink?"

"You've got to be kidding me!" I yelled at him.

He slowly reached for the knife, pushing it away from me while keeping his eyes on me. I looked down at it and back at him. He laughed.

"You think…this is…funny? You absolutely ruined my favorite book! Ugh!"

He laughed at me even more, a complete belly laugh even.

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look right now, yelling at me with a Kool Aid mustache?" he asked.

My hand flashed instinctively up to my mouth and I felt the sticky residue above my lip. I stomped my foot loudly, and turned letting out a big exasperated sigh. I started walking angrily towards my bedroom door. As I walked past Edward, who was still snickering, I threw his glass of purple Kool Aid at him, practically tie-dying his white shirt.

"What the hell is your problem?" He said standing up and shaking it off.

I didn't answer, just continued to my bedroom smiling. _Maybe it would dye his hair too, _I snickered to myself as I closed the door and slid back into bed.

**Edward**

My plane landed at seven in the morning. I always liked to take the overnight flights so I could sleep. I'd always been a little anxious about flying, ever since Alice and I were kids.

I called my parents as soon as I landed, telling them I'd made it. They lived in a small town in Washington. My father was a doctor and my mother was a nurse. I know, fucking fairytale right? I've been in L.A. trying to "find myself" or whatever the hell kids do these days when they get annoyed with living at home. Actually it wasn't a problem with finding myself, it was more like accepting it and not being a pussy about showing it to other people. I was still working on that part. I'd made a few friends out there, but I just never really connected with it so I decided to join my baby sister in the wonderful New York City to try my luck out here.

I'd felt a little bad that I hadn't visited Alice since she'd moved out here, but regardless she was still letting me stay with her until I get my feet settled. It wasn't like she was there a lot anyway, so I didn't think I'd be too much of a burden. Apparently she had a roommate, but she said she's cool so I guess I could deal.

When I stepped out of the airport, I instantly cursed myself for moving to New York in the middle of winter. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't just left seventy degree weather. To say it was going to be an adjustment was the fucking understatement of the year.

I grabbed a cab and took it towards Central Park. Alice said she'd meet me at this coffee shop before she left to do a photo shoot. I asked the cabbie if he knew where the coffee shop was and he pointed it out to me. It was only a few blocks down the street.

I finally found it and walked inside, running my fingers through my hair as I stepped into the warmth. I looked around the small shop but I didn't see Alice so I headed towards the couch by the fireplace so I could warm up a little.

I put my headphones in and lost myself in the music as I made my way over. I slipped past the girl sitting on the other end of the couch, not bothering to say "excuse me" because she was so engulfed in that book she was reading that I couldn't even see her face. She had some beautiful hair though. It was this amazing chocolate brown that almost looked red in some parts. Her long wavy curls cascaded in front of her face and I almost wished I could push them back so I could see her. I bet she was pretty.

I shook my head and sat down beside her. I kept my eyes straight ahead, not wanting to miss Alice when she came in. My sister was anything but patient and if I didn't jump up as soon as she walked in she'd probably bolt and think I blew her off.

I vaguely registered the girl on the couch getting up and walking away as I switched the song on my IPod.

Alice walked in about ten minutes later and I waved her over.

"Edward!" She squealed. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her.

"Hey sis."

We sat back down and she asked me how my flight was and if I talked to Mom and Dad. I filled her in on my life and she told me about all the modeling gigs she was getting. I was proud of her but it was kind of weird knowing that other guys were most likely whacking off to pictures of your sister. Actually it made me want to fucking vomit so I tried not to think about it.

"I was actually thinking my roommate might be in here." Alice looked around the room. "She usually comes here before she heads to work. I forgot to tell her I was meeting you here. I was hoping I could introduce you since I won't be home for the rest of the day."

"No big deal." I shrugged. "She does know I'm coming though right?"

"Of course. I told her forever ago," she waved me off.

"Oh! I have a present for you." I smirked and reached beside me, grabbing the painting and presenting it to her. "He made it just for you."

"This painter friend of yours has never met me and he still knows me so well." She smiled. "I love it!" She clapped her hands together. "So I told the front desk you'd be coming. They said they'd have an extra key waiting for you whenever you're ready to go back. Bella should be at work until late and I have a date after my photo shoot so I probably won't be home until tomorrow."

"Ah la-la-la!" I covered my ears. "I don't want to hear about that."

"Sorry. Speaking of dates, do you have a lady friend yet?"

"Nope. I'm off the pussy right now."

She raised her eyebrow at me. "Swinging for the other team? I mean it's totally okay with me. I love you either way."

"I don't mean it like that. I just mean I'm taking a break from the whole dating thing. It never works out. I'm starting to think I'm irrevocably flawed or some shit."

"You aren't flawed. You just haven't met the right person yet." She put her arms around me and kissed my cheek. I promptly sighed in disgust and wiped my cheek off. I was fairly sure she'd left her lipstick or lip-gloss or whatever girls wore these days all over my skin. "I've gotta scoot." She hopped up, handed me the address of her apartment and started towards the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I gave her a lazy salute and followed her lead about ten minutes later. I hailed another cab and gave them Alice's address.

When we arrived, I paid the guy and walked inside. There was a man at the front desk so I approached and waited for him to get off the phone.

"Can I help you?" He asked.

"Yeah. My name is Edward. My sister is Alice Cullen, she said you'd have…"

"A spare key for you. It's right here." He reached into a drawer and produced a key.

"Okay thanks." I nodded and turned around looking for the elevator. "Uh…where's your elevator?"

"Non-existent. You've got to take the stairs."

"And which floor are they on?"

"Fourth."

"Fuck me," I whispered as I started trudging up the stairs.

I found their apartment and let myself in.

"Hello?" I called. Alice said Bella wouldn't be here, but you never know. No one answered so I continued through the apartment and set my things down beside the couch. I smiled as I looked above the couch, noticing the painting I'd sent Alice before. I leaned over and took it down, quickly replacing it with the new one. She'd fell in love with this artist when she was visiting me one time. I had some of his paintings in my apartment and she insisted that she have one. I happened to know him so I got her made one especially for her.

I checked out the rest of the apartment, trying to avoid the bedrooms. I didn't want to invade their privacy and I had no desire to go snooping around in a girl's room. They probably had shit in there I didn't want to know about.

I laid around for a little bit, watching television and taking a nap. I scrounged around and found a take-out menu so I could order some dinner. I didn't know exactly when Bella was supposed to be home so I wasn't sure if I should order some extra for her or not. I decided against it in the end cause I had no idea what the fuck this girl liked.

When it started getting dark, I grabbed my backpack and headed out to get some supplies. I left pretty much everything I had back in L.A. because I didn't want to carry everything out with me. It would have been a pain in the ass and most of my stuff was getting old anyway. I guess since I was technically starting over in New York I could start with new shit. I was honestly pretty excited about being here because I thought some of the best work was out here.

After I picked up what I needed I started walking around the city, making sure to keep track of where I went. I wasn't interested in getting lost or taking a taxi again because they were way too expensive. I was pretty good at finding my way around for the most part so I was hoping with time I'd find all the best spots.

I finished pretty late and headed back to Ali's apartment. I know it was pretty fucking weird to be creeping around late at night like this but it was the only time I could do what I wanted to do. I liked being anonymous for a reason. I think it went back to that whole being comfortable with who you are and shit. I just wasn't there yet. It's such a personal part of me and the thought of sharing it with someone scares the shit out of me.

I used my key and went inside. I noticed a pair of shoes by the door as I kicked mine off so I assumed Bella was home. I crept over to the couch and shrugged out of my jacket before laying down. The lights from outside would have bothered anyone else, but I was used to it. L.A. wasn't necessarily the most discreet city. It was just enough so the room wasn't pitch black. I could make out all of the furniture, which was a plus in case I needed to take a piss during the night.

I ran my fingers through my hair and was about to pass the fuck out when I heard her.

I sat up as her figure crossed the living room and walked into the kitchen area. I held in my laughter as she started jumping around like she was dancing to some silent music. She leaned down to the floor and looked at something before standing back up and going for the light switch. I moved my arm up to cover my eyes because I knew it was going to be bright as hell and I didn't feel like being blinded. She must have felt my presence because the next thing I knew she was freaking the fuck out and waving a butcher knife at me, ready to go Michael Myers on my ass.

After I convinced her that I was Alice's brother she finally put it down and flipped on the light switch.

My breath caught in my throat when I saw her. She was fucking gorgeous, I could tell from across the room. I got up and started towards the bar while she was pouring herself a drink just to get a better look. When she spun around, her expression immediately changed.

She started rambling on about the coffee shop today and how I'd apparently bumped into her. After I started putting two and two together I realized she was the girl on the couch by the fireplace but I didn't remember knocking into her. I remembered her beautiful hair, but not her in particular. I felt a little bad, but she was kind of cute when she was pissed so I wasn't about to say sorry. I was kind of enjoying it until she threw that damn Kool-Aid at me. That just pissed me the fuck off.

I cursed and made my way to the bathroom after she left. I ran my hair under the sink and washed my face to get all the stickiness off me. I pulled my shirt off and threw it in the corner, telling myself I'd take care of it tomorrow. I went back to the living room and laid back down on the couch. I could already tell we were going to have problems. I needed to find an apartment for myself as soon as possible.

**A/N: This should be interesting : ) Thoughts?**


	2. The Bella Tour

**A/N:**

**Wow I know I'm actually updating this story after...what a year? I suck sorry. If you haven't read the first chapter with an EPOV I would suggest you go back and reread it because I added it a few weeks ago and plus it's probably good just to get a refresher. I will be updating this story more regularly now, although the next update most likely will not be until after the 18th because I'm moving and starting school again so I have to get things all squared away with that. Thanks for being patient everyone.  
**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.  
**

**

* * *

**

**Edward**

I woke up the next morning to pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. I sighed and shot up, glaring at the dark haired beauty in front of me.

"Good morning Muffin," I said sarcastically. Bella shot around and gasped, her eyes taking in my bare chest. She quickly turned around and continued on with her work.

"I see the Kool Aid didn't color your hair…" She mumbled.

"Nope." I pulled myself off the couch and started over towards the bar.

"Pity."

I smiled when I smelled the food she was cooking. I walked around the bar and stood next to her, trying to see what it was. Bacon. I fucking love bacon.

She had some already cooked sitting on a plate beside the stove so I reached over to grab one. She swatted my hand away.

"What the hell was that for?" I asked.

"That's mine."

I groaned and grabbed the closest cup I could find. I filled it with water and threw it at Bella. She screamed and started hitting me.

"What was that for?" She screamed.

I reached past her and grabbed a piece of bacon. "That was payback for last night." I took a bite and smirked as I looked down. "And I can see through your shirt. Black bra huh? Sexy."

She screamed and stalked off to her room, which was nice because it left me alone with the food. I might have felt bad about eating it, but she started this whole war. I was going to eat her food if I wanted to.

Alice walked through the door just as Bella returned to the kitchen with a brand new shirt on.

"Oh good! You two have met!" She laughed and continued through the living room and into her room. She appeared a moment later with a ton of luggage and threw it on the living room floor. "Oh!" She squealed. "My new painting. Bella come look at what Edward brought me."

Bella stomped over and stood beside Alice as they looked at the painting on the wall. I crossed my arms and waited to see what she said about it. I don't know why, but I was interested.

"Who's AM?" Bella said, leaning closer. "I've never heard of them before."

"Apparently he's an up and coming artist from L.A. Edward knows him and always brings me new stuff," Alice said.

"Oh really?" Bella spun back towards me and I nodded. "Hmm….It's actually nice. I like it."

"I'll tell him you think so," I laughed. I was a little surprised by her positive reviews of the painting. She glared at me and spun back around towards the kitchen.

"You ate my bacon!" She stared down at her empty plate.

"Yeah it was really good. Thanks." I smiled and leaned against the counter.

"Alice!" Bella screamed.

Alice was completely oblivious to our exchange since she was throwing mounds and mounds of clothes into her suitcases. Apparently she's either taking a trip or donating her wardrobe to charity. I'm going to go with the first one.

"Listen I have a last minute photo shoot down in Aruba. My plane leaves later today and I'll be back next week." She sat down on her suitcase to close it. "Bella you should really show Edward around the city, he's never been here."

"You are not leaving me here with him!" Bella complained.

"Do I get one of those foam Statue of Liberty hats with the Bella Tour?" I asked.

"Alice!"

"You'll do fine," Alice said, pulling her stuff towards the door. "Please. As a favor to me. Please." She slammed the door shut and we were alone in the apartment.

"This should be fun," I smiled at Bella.

"I'm doing this for Alice and Alice only. If you piss me off, I will push you into the Hudson." She started towards her bedroom. "And you're buying me breakfast since you ate mine. Be ready to go in a half hour." She slammed her door.

I started towards the bathroom to take a shower. Bella's door whipped open right as I reached it, towel and clothes in her hands. Polka dotted underwear. Nice.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"I need to take a shower dear."

"No you can't. I need to take a shower."

"We could always shower together," I teased.

"Fine you can go first." She disappeared back into her bedroom.

I took a quick shower and wrapped a towel around my waist as I left the bathroom. I wasn't a conceited guy but I wasn't shy either. I didn't give a shit what she saw. I wasn't one to get embarrassed as far as this goes.

Her door opened and she quickly went into the bathroom. I heard the shower running a few minutes later. I grabbed some clothes and slipped them on before starting back towards the bathroom. I slipped inside and started hanging my towel up.

"Excuse me!" Bella's head peeked out from behind the shower.

"What? Would you rather me leave it on the floor? Relax. I'm not checking you out or anything."

She pulled the shower curtain back as I slipped back out.

I waited out in the living room for her, running my fingers through my damp hair. She took less time than most girls I knew to get ready, which was refreshing. Most girls I knew from L.A. spent at least an hour caking on their makeup only to have it look like shit.

She emerged from the bathroom wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans, her hair pulled into a loose ponytail. I was a little disappointed about that. I thought her hair was fucking gorgeous and I wanted to see it.

"Are you ready?" She asked.

"Yep."

We both threw on our jackets and she put on this little knit hat and glove set.

"Don't you have a hat?" She asked.

"Uh no. I lived in L.A."

"Well newsflash you live in New York now. We'll stop at the corner store and get you something. Otherwise you'll freeze your balls off."

"I didn't realize they had hats for genitaila Bella."

"You know what I meant!" She opened the door for me and followed me out.

We headed down to the store and Bella actually offered to buy me a hat and a pair of gloves. I waited outside, smoking a cigarette while she went inside. She appeared five minutes later with a hot pink hat and glove set. I wasn't going to give in and go buy another set, so I wore it. I'm perfectly secure with my masculinity. She seemed a little shocked that I didn't run right back in the store, but that was half of the appeal.

She led me to a diner, which I assumed she went to often. One of the waitresses greeted her by name and led us to a booth in the corner.

"Who's your date?" She asked, laying the menus down in front of us.

"It's Alice brother. Not a date." Bella quickly glanced through the menu and turned towards her. "I'll have the usual. With a chocolate milk."

"What's the usual?" I glanced up at her.

"Two eggs, poached. Side of toast."

"No bacon?" I kinked my eyebrow.

"No," she scowled.

"I'll have the same." I handed my menu to the waitress and she said she'd be back soon with our drinks. "So Alice said you have a job?"

"Yeah. I'm interning at a museum doing research for a paper."

"What's the paper on?"

"Marie Antoinette."

I leaned back and smiled. "Let them eat cake."

"That'd be the one."

"So what else do you do in your spare time?'

"Why are you asking?"

"Because I'm a crazy stalker."

She laughed a little and shook her head. "Not much really. I don't have time for anything anymore. I guess you could say I left it all back home."

"Which is…"

"Michigan."

"America's High Five. Never been there."

"Yeah my parents still live there so…"

The waitress appeared with our chocolate milks and our discussion stopped. Our food came shortly after and we both chowed down. The silence was mildly awkward, but not suffocating. I was never one of those people that had to fill the silence, regardless of all my stupid comments.

We finished our breakfast and started up towards Times Square. I saw the Naked Cowboy, who I couldn't believe was out right now. His dick had to be the size of a peanut. Bella showed me Rockefeller Center. It was kind of cool to see the huge ass Christmas tree that was always on TV.

We took a walk through Central Park and started back, making our way past the theater district.

We didn't talk much, mostly about the shitty weather or just small talk. We were walking past one of the theaters, being completely blasted by a gust of wind, when I realized she wasn't beside me anymore. I turned around and saw her a few feet back, looking up at the marquee.

"Bella?" I went to stand beside her and followed her gaze. "Ballet? Do you like ballet?" I asked.

She quickly shook her head and started walking again.

"Are you coming?" She asked.

"Uh…I actually have some things to do. I'll meet you back at the apartment."

"Fine." She stalked off, acting pissed again. I thought she was actually starting to act normal and she goes and flips the fucking switch on me.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I'd stored the number in there last night when I came across the sign but I thought calling at midnight wouldn't be the best time to rent a space.

"Hello?"

"Yeah hi. I saw you had a space for rent. Is that still available?"

"Yeah do you want to take a look?"

"That'd be great. I can be there in twenty if you're free."

"Sure."

I closed my phone and hailed a cab. I didn't remember the exact address but I memorized the cross street so I would at least be close.

I quickly found the old building again and stepped inside. From the outside it almost looked abandoned. It even looked like a few of the smaller windows were busted out, but I didn't need much. I basically just needed space.

A guy with a potbelly walked into the stairwell a few minutes after I stepped inside.

"You call about the space for rent?" He asked.

"Yeah. I'm Edward." I held out my hand and he shook it before starting up the stairs.

"I'm a little surprised you called, we haven't had many people interested in it. Uh…can I ask what you'll be using it for?"

"Business."

"Well I don't know if it's the best place to have an office buddy. It's in pretty rough shape. There's no furniture or anything and it's not huge." He came to the top of the stairs and pulled out a key. As soon as he opened the door I knew it was perfect. Anyone else would have seen an old abandoned shit hole, but I saw potential. And to be honest I didn't give a fuck what it looked like.

"How much are you asking for rent?"

"It's pretty cheap, considering you aren't getting much."

I looked around as he started rambling off some numbers. There were sheets draped over some of the brick walls and not much else besides dust. That, I'd have to take care of. The floors looked like they were nice hardwood at some time and I'm sure all they'd need is a good cleaning.

"I'll pay you double for the first month if you can get it tidied up a little bit," I said.

"You've got a deal. Call me when you've got the check."

**Bella**

I was so fucking stupid to even go into the theater district. I tried to avoid it at all costs just in case. Every time I saw one it fucking gutted me like a knife.

Edward said he had some business to take care of and I hoped it was finding himself an apartment. I could already tell we were not going to get along if he stayed there much longer. I mean who walks in on someone they just met in the shower?

I headed back to the apartment and read a little more of the book I'd started. My eyes kept drifting towards my closet, even though I told them to stop.

I heard Edward come back eventually but I stayed in my room hoping he wouldn't bother me.

When I realized that I'd read the same paragraph ten times and didn't remember a word of it I finally closed my book and set it on my nightstand. I crossed my arms and stared at my closet. I knew they were in there, probably staring right back at me. Taunting me because they knew I wanted them. But they had no idea how big of a deal it was and it brought back all these emotions that I didn't want to even think about. Have you ever had anything that was an essential part of who you are and know that you can't want it? Not only would my dad flip, but I was so out of shape I don't think I could do it even if I wanted to.

I started biting anxiously on my fingers as I made my way over to the closet. Maybe if I just…looked at them it would be okay. It would give me my fix. I would be okay and I could go back to reading. Everything would be fine.

I opened my closet door and stood on my tiptoes to reach the very back of my shelf. My fingers barely brushed against the edge of the box and my breath hitched in my throat just feeling it. It took a while but I eventually maneuvered the box forward and grasped it in my hands, pulling it down to my chest and walking back to my bed.

I smiled as soon as I opened it and pulled out my shoes. They were a little worse for wear, but they were just as beautiful as I remembered them. The pink had faded a lot, especially down by the toes. All I wanted to do in that moment was put them on with a nice pair of leg warmers and twirl around my room. My room wasn't even close to big enough for it, but I still wanted it nonetheless.

As much as I loved it, it was fucking brutal. I panicked, quickly putting the shoes back in the box and throwing them under my bed. That wasn't a part of my life anymore but I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of them.

I wiped my tears away and laid back down in my bed, trying to go to sleep. When I finally drifted off I dreamed I was gliding across the floor effortlessly, almost like I was floating. There was nothing weighing me down and I was happy. And when I woke up the next morning I wanted it even more.

I spent the day at the museum, trying to stay distracted. I technically didn't even have to be there right now since I'm on break, but it keeps me focused on something. I'd slipped out this morning without waking Edward up and I honestly was too anxious to have to deal with him.

I left the museum a little early and took a walk around the city looking for what I needed. I knew the right places to look even though they were in all the wrong places of town. I needed something unknown. I needed to be invisible. I saw one that might work so I decided to check it out later that night.

I headed back home and brought a pizza for Edward and I, just in case. If not I would gladly eat the whole thing or save it for leftovers.

He was home and we ate together in silence at the bar. When I was finished I packaged up the few pieces that were left and headed into my room. I told him I was probably going to be in for the night.

I laid around for a little bit, wondering if I was really going to do this. I wanted to, but I knew once I started I was crossing a line. I wouldn't be able to walk away. It was like a drug to me. The instant I started I became addicted.

I heard Edward switch the television off out in the living room and waited a few minutes before peeking my head out. The room was completely dark so I assumed he'd gone to bed.

I went over to my closet and rummaged around for any of my old clothes that I still had. I pulled on a pair of leggings, an old big concert t-shirt and my favorite purple leg warmers.

I grabbed my shoe box from under my bed and stuffed it into my backpack, along with my wallet, keys and pepper spray just in case. I bundled myself up in a coat, hat, scarf and gloves and tiptoed out into the living room. I didn't bother looking over at Edward. I just wanted to get out of there as quick as possible.

I closed the door softly behind me and locked it up before starting down the hallway.

I took a taxi towards the building I'd seen earlier. I knew I couldn't just walk right in because it was probably locked, but there had to be another way in. I started around the building and into an alleyway. There were a few bums standing around and I ignored their hollers at me as I walked by.

I turned another corner and smiled when I saw a fire escape. I sat my bag down and jumped a few times, reaching for the bottom of the stairs so I could pull them down to me.

I started climbing, stopping when I reached the third floor. I peeked inside the windows there and saw a fairly empty large room. The floors looked halfway decent and it looked like there was a grimy old mirror in the corner, covered halfway with a sheet. It wasn't perfect, but it would do. It didn't look like anyone had been in there in awhile so I didn't really worry about having company.

I pushed the window open, thanking God that it was unlocked. I pulled myself in and set my bag on the floor. I sat down and pulled my shoebox out, taking off my socks and setting them inside.

It felt strange to have my shoes on again, but a good strange. I knew it was going to take awhile to get me back into shape and I shouldn't expect to be perfect tonight. It was just a test run, a trial to see where I was at. I'd have to get some kind of bar in here somewhere too.

I stood up and flexed my feet, stretching out the shoes. They were worn enough that they shouldn't be incredibly uncomfortable, but that term was all relative in ballet. I wouldn't be surprised if my feet were bruised and bloody for a while as they got used to the shoes again.

I leaned back and started stretching, knowing that after all this time the last thing I needed was to pull a muscle. I wasn't nearly as flexible I once was, but I was hoping I could get back there again.

I grabbed my IPod and a set of speakers out of my bag before turning on some light music. I always had to have music. Even when they played all that classical stuff in all my classes I was listening to something different inside my head. I liked the music that moved you. It helped me put everything I had into my dancing and it's what made me good. I used to be good.

I pointed my toe, feeling the shoe roll and catch as the flat part of the toe met the floor. I winced as the pain shot through my foot, the weight of my body pressing down on it. The shoes made it so much easier, but that didn't mean it felt like rainbows and sunshine. Anyone who thought dancing was easy has never tried to go on point.

I grabbed the mirror from the corner of the room and set it in front of me. I wiped it off with the sheet and studied myself in my attire. It'd been a long time since I'd seen myself like this and it was a little overwhelming.

I kept popping up on my toes, trying to hold it longer and longer each time. I eventually collapsed to the ground, unable to take the pain anymore. I landed hard on my palms and tried to catch my breath. I caught sight of myself in the mirror again, my face starting to grow flushed and sweaty.

I reached up and wiped away the sweat, suddenly realizing it wasn't sweat at all. It was tears. I couldn't tell if it was from the emotional or physical pain. But it was from pain. The worst kind. The kind that tears you apart and leaves you broken.

I did a few more spins, twirls and stretches, but I didn't want to push it the first night. When I felt I'd done enough I packed up my things and headed back to the apartment. It was close to one in the morning and I hoped Edward was just as soundly asleep as he was when I left.

I quietly unlocked the front door and snuck inside. I was just about to set my bag down and grab a sip of water when the door opened again. Edward and I both screamed as we saw each other then quickly realized neither of us were axe murderers. He flipped on the light and started laughing.

"Swan you are really trying to kill me." He shook his head and set his bag down at his feet. He kicked his shoes off and started over towards the couch.

"Where the hell were you?" I asked.

"I could ask you the same question…" He nodded to the bag in my hands.

"None of your business." I held my bag defensively tight to my body.

"And where I was is none of your business either." He plopped down on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Are you doing something illegal? Are you selling drugs? Because I don't want someone like that staying with me."

"Relax I'm not a drug dealer…" He laughed. "I'm not saying I've never done anything illegal but I'm not a drug dealer."

I pulled myself up onto a barstool and started spinning slowly around. "So you've never done drugs?"

"I've smoked pot before. I mean a lot of people try that at least once. Except for probably you," he teased.

"And how do you know I've never smoked pot?" I asked.

"Because you've got a stick so far up your ass I'm surprised I can't see it in the back of your mouth." He sat up and stared at me. "Okay fine Bella. I'll play. Have you ever smoked pot before?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

I nodded.

"Hmm…" he mused. "You never cease to amaze me and we just met." He laid back down and laughed. "Nothing hardcore?"

"I did have an obsessive Twinkie addiction but I've managed to wean myself off of it." I crossed my arms in front of me.

"Badass." He closed his eyes and I realized he was starting to fall asleep.

I sighed and headed back to my room, closing the door behind me. I pulled off all my clothes and threw them in the hamper. I stopped when I saw myself in the mirror. I always tried not to look at mirrors until I was completely dressed because I hated seeing it.

I ran my fingers over the hideous scar on my chest and shook my head. I hated that I was always going to be marked with this damn thing. A constant reminder of my past.

I quickly threw a t-shirt on and crawled into bed. Before I fell asleep my thoughts drifted to Edward and whatever secret he was hiding. I guess we all have our secret lives known only to us. Some things are just too personal to share with anyone. A part of me wished that someday I might know Edward's secret and for the first time I was open to the possibility that I might be okay with him knowing mine. Someday.

* * *

**A/N:**

**And now you probably understand why it's called Secret Life. : ) And I love Edward, he cracks me up. Thoughts?**

**XOXO Mandy  
**


	3. Q & A

**A/N: Snuck in another update before I trek back to MI. Lucky you : )**

* * *

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

* * *

**Bella**

I woke up the next morning feeling sore as ever. My feet, my legs, and my back ached. I took a couple Tylenol and a hot shower to help soothe my muscles.

When I came out of the bathroom I was surprised to find Edward already awake and making us breakfast. Actually, I don't know if pushing down a Pop Tart in the toaster could be considered making breakfast but it was something.

"Hey," he mumbled.

"Hi." I sat down on the stool and watched him. He spun around and grabbed a plate as they popped up, cursing as he flopped them onto the plate. He smiled and set the plate down in front of me.

"It's hot," he said, bringing his finger into his mouth to cool the burn I'm sure he was feeling.

"Thank you." I waited a few minutes before taking a bite.

"So what are we doing today?" He asked, sitting down beside me with his own plate.

I turned towards him and stopped when I saw him looking at me. I never noticed them before but his eyes were beautiful, so intense that I thought I might cower under their stare.

"Your eyes are….green," I whispered, half to myself.

"That they are. You're very observant," he laughed.

I shook my head and took another bite of my food. "I'm going to do some research at the museum."

"Again?"

"Yeah. It calms me down. Gives me something to do."

"Okay fine. I'll go to the museum with you," he shrugged.

"No."

"Why not?"

"What are you going to do in a museum all day?" I cocked my eyebrow.

"Read?"

"Okay fine, but do not complain to me that you're bored." I downed the rest of my food and headed into my room to get ready.

When I came out twenty minutes later Edward was already dressed and ready to go, flipping through the channels while he waited.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Yep." He turned the television off and put on his jacket as well as his new hat and glove set. I'd only done it as a joke; I couldn't believe he actually wore them.

"We should probably take a cab. It's a long walk and it's freezing out," I said as we stepped outside. I looked out onto the street and spotted one coming so I waved it over. Edward and I jumped in and I told him the address.

We pulled up in front of the museum and I reached into my bag to grab some money but Edward had already paid him.

"You didn't have to do that," I mumbled as I stepped out into the cold.

"It's okay."

I led him inside and flashed them my employee badge so we wouldn't have to pay to get in. I took Edward through the museum, pointing out certain things along the way. It was a "we'll take almost anything" museum, mostly history in nature, but it had paintings, books, artifacts all arranged by theme. Most of the really old stuff wasn't even on display, which is why I spent most of my time down in the dungeon.

We brushed through a door labeled "Employees only" and headed down a long flight of stairs.

"Bella!" Siobhan smiled as we walked into the room. "We weren't expecting you. You're supposed to be on break."

"Can't stay away I guess." I shrugged out of my coat and set it on my chair. I looked around the room for another chair for Edward.

"And who is this?" Siobhan teased, obviously thinking Edward was my boyfriend.

"This is Edward. Alice's brother. He's staying with us and I'm supposed to be showing him New York while she's away on business."

"Well honey this is hardly showing him New York," she laughed and looked around the room.

"Bella has been a very gracious host. I kind of invited myself along today." Edward took all of his gear off and settled into the chair I'd found for him.

I had my own small desk here. It was fairly simple. I had an ancient computer that was basically just a database for things the museum had. I could search for a time period or a topic and it would pull up what we had and where it was. The book I'd been reading through was sitting on the corner, an old receipt sticking out marking my place.

"So what do you want to read about?" I asked.

"I don't know. Surprise me." He leaned back in his chair.

I thought for a minute before typing away at my computer. "Stay here. I'll be right back."

I walked out of the room through another door to our little library down here. It was mostly used for background research when we received new exhibits and such, but it had some interesting history books in here. I grabbed one on Henry the VIII and headed back to Edward.

"It's about the Tudors. Henry the VIII is the one who had…" I started.

"I know who he is. I watch that show," he teased.

"Alright," I sighed. I sat back down and started off in my book.

About an hour later I could feel his eyes on me and I knew he'd stopped reading.

"What?" I asked, not bothering to look up from my book.

"Nothing," he laughed. "You're just very interesting when you read."

"How so?"

"You just really…concentrate I guess. Every now and then your eyebrows scrunch together, maybe when you don't understand something. And you bite you lip, probably when something surprises you."

I set my book down and looked up at him. "You really think you have me down don't you?"

"Not even close," he smirked and looked at my desk. "Who's that?" He pointed to a picture frame.

"My parents," I answered.

"You look like your dad," he said, pulling the picture closer to him.

"I thought you were supposed to be reading," I sighed.

"Eh. Henry's an asshole."

"Like that's a surprise," I laughed.

"So you come here a lot?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's my job when I'm not taking classes."

"And you just sit here and read all day?"

"Yeah." I shrugged. "I mean it's a big deal for a freshman to get an internship like this…"

"Wait you're a freshman? How old are you?" He leaned forward and rested his elbows on my desk.

"Twenty-two."

"How are you so old and just a freshman?" He kinked his eyebrow at me.

"I just…waited to go to school." I looked down at my book and hoped that he'd drop the subject. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-three."

"And what exactly do you do Edward?"

"Still working on it," he smirked.

"Where did you go last night?" I asked, still curious about his late night adventures.

He shook his head and attempted to start reading again. I kept my eyes on him, unable to pull them away. There was something about this guy that intrigued me. I couldn't put my finger on it but it was almost like I was drawn to him in this weird way. I wonder if I could study him, figure him out like I figure things out in my books.

"See there you go again…" Edward murmured.

"What?"

"Scrunching your eyebrows and biting your lip. There's something you don't understand and something that surprises you."

I guess that wasn't a lie, but it had nothing to do with my book. I forced my eyes back down but couldn't turn my thoughts off.

"Okay I can't read anymore," I sighed and set my book down.

"Thank God." He followed suit and smiled. "I was bored out of my mind."

"In all fairness you were the one who wanted to come. I didn't force you."

"I know. It's completely my fault." He held his hands up in defense. "You wanna get out of here?"

"Yeah. Let me just put your book away." I grabbed his book and stood up, starting back towards the library. I didn't realize he was following me until I reached up to put the book back in its place.

"There are a lot of books in here," he said, looking around.

"Yeah that's why it's called our research library," I laughed.

"Smartass," he teased, lightly punching my shoulder.

"Let's go." I nodded to the door and started out.

I told Siobhan we were heading out and grabbed my bag.

"Nice to meet you Edward," she said.

"You too." Edward smiled and followed me up the stairs.

It was still cold out, but not as bitter as earlier. We walked down the road in the direction of the apartment while we kept an eye out for any open taxis. Eventually we subconsciously even gave up on that, falling into easy conversation. He told me a little bit about his life back in L.A. and how he worked in an art gallery. Apparently that was how he met his artist friend who does the paintings for Alice. He said that a few friends of his were visiting in a couple of days.

"Jasper and Emmett have their own motorcycle shop out there," he said. "Take one look at them and you'd think they were tough assholes but they're some of the nicest people I've ever met, the only people I really ever considered friends in L.A. Rosalie is Emmett's girlfriend, she works in the maintenance part of the shop."

"She actually works on the bikes?" I asked.

"Yeah. She's tough. The blonde bombshell that can fix a motor better than most guys," he laughed. His eyes drifted across the street to Rockefeller Center and the ice skaters attempting to be graceful as they glided across the ice. "So how many times has Alice dragged you to that?"

"None actually. She usually goes with a guy. I've never been ice skating there."

"You live in New York and you've never been?" He seemed shocked.

"No."

"Well we're gonna change that. Come on." He grabbed my hand and pulled me across the street.

"Edward, no." I tried to tug my hand away. I did want to eventually do it, but it felt a little weird doing it with him, almost like it was a date or something. And this was not a date. He was being a less annoying version of himself at the moment but that didn't make up for everything else.

He approached the small hut and purchased two tickets and two skate rentals.

"What size?" He asked.

"Six."

"Okay I need a six and a twelve," he told the man.

"Big feet?" I mumbled.

"Yep." He smiled and handed me a pair of skates.

We sat down on a small bench and took our shoes off. I quickly slid my feet into the ice skates and started lacing them up. They were pretty different from ballet shoes so I had a little bit of difficulty. Edward had no problem at all lacing them up, his fingers working nimbly with the strings.

"Here I'll help you." He grabbed my foot and pulled it up onto his lap so he could tie it. "You want it tight enough so it can support your ankle."

"Are you an ex-figure skater?" I teased.

"No," he laughed. "I used to work at a skating rink when I was in high school." He picked up my other foot and tied it just like the first one.

I was a little shaky when we first stepped out onto the ice, but once I got the hang of it I was pretty good. It was almost like dancing, just more gliding involved. Edward flew across the ice with ease, always slowing down to make sure I was doing alright.

"You good?" He asked, skating backwards in front of me.

"Show off." I sped up, passing him and taking a chance by lifting one of my legs off the ground. I stretched it out behind me, almost like I was working through a dance exercise. My other leg wobbled a little and eventually steadied itself as I slid across the ice.

"Show off," he smirked, passing by me again.

I stopped and attempted to spin myself around. I'd watched enough ice-skating when I was little that I thought I had the movement down. I started frantically spinning around, unable to stop and feeling myself losing balance.

Just as I was about to fall I felt a pair of hands envelope my waist and steady me.

"I think you better take it easy Peggy Flemming," he laughed.

"Thank you." I glanced down at his hands on my waist and I swear I could almost feel their warmth through all my clothes. I cleared my throat and took a step back.

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah."

"Well now you can say you've skated at Rockefeller Center."

**Edward**

There was something about this girl that I couldn't shake. She was beyond beautiful. I found myself studying her face, taking in and losing myself in her dark brown eyes and rosy cheeks. She was also annoying as fuck. And she was mysterious.

When I came home late and she caught me, I thought for sure she was going to find out my secret, but as soon as I realized she was just getting in too I found my out. She seemed uncomfortable with the questions I was asking, and that wasn't my intention. I just wanted her to forget about me and my whereabouts. I had a feeling she didn't forget, but she also didn't press the issue.

We went back to the apartment after ice-skating and she went and hid in her bedroom for the rest of the night, emerging only to grab herself a sandwich. It was fucking weird. I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't hang out in her own apartment. I know we got off to a rough start but I felt like we'd had a few moments over the past few days where we were almost becoming friends, or had the possibility of being friends.

I waited until her room was silent before I grabbed my bag and slipped out again. I needed to hit the store before it closed to buy some more brown. I couldn't get her damn eyes out of my head and I knew that's what would come out once I started working.

I grabbed a few different cans and set them up on the counter. The clerk looked at me a little weird, probably suspicious that I was making frequent visits to his store late at night.

I paid for the merchandise and headed outside, slipping it in my backpack as soon as I left. I bypassed the street I'd taken last time and kept walking, hoping to find somewhere else.

It was dark. You would have expected the streets to be less chaotic than they were during the day, but its all bullshit. This is the New York most tourists don't see, the part that they don't want to see. It wasn't necessarily terrible, but it wasn't glamorous either.

I passed what I was sure was a drug deal happening and turned down the next street. It was a small alley between two buildings and seemed to be perfect for what I needed. I wasn't planning on doing this outside much more. I was going to try something a little different, but this would always be my home. The alleys, deserted streets, roofs of abandoned buildings. It's where it all started.

I pulled my hood up and threw my headphones in as I set my bag down. I unzipped it and pulled out all of my cans, lining them all up in a row. I grabbed the brown, just like I knew I would and started working. It was almost like her stare was completely engrained in my brain. When I shut my eyes, hers were all I could see and it scared me. I didn't know what it meant but I was hoping by getting it out I would get her out of my system.

I worked well into the night before I finished. A few people passed by me and stared, but they weren't the kind who went running to the cops anyway. They had their own shit to deal with. When I was done I put my signature at the bottom and packed up.

I was completely wrong about getting her out of my system. It only made it worse. I pulled one of my headphones out and grabbed my phone. It wouldn't be so late out in L.A. so I figured Jasper would still be awake.

"Dick's Sausage Shop," he answered.

"You're a funny fucker," I laughed.

"I try. What's up? How's New York?"

"Okay I guess."

"How's Alice?" He asked a little too overeager. He'd had a crush on my sister since he saw her picture on my phone, before she was famous and all that. I had a feeling she'd feel the same way about him once she finally got to spend more than five minutes with him but it still creeped me out a little. He was a good guy and everything but it was still my sister.

"Don't really know. She's been on a work trip the entire time I've been here."

"So you're just wandering around the city by yourself? Lame."

"No dickwad, I'm not by myself. Well I am right now, but her roommate has kind of been showing me around."

"Is she hot?"

"Is that all you think about?" I asked.

"No. It's a simple question Edward."

"She's very pretty," I answered slowly.

"She's hot. What's her name?"

"Bella."

"Who's that?" I heard Emmett's voice in the background.

"It's Edward," Jasper said. "He met a girl."

"I did not meet a girl," I protested. I thought I could have a decent conversation with him about Bella but it was becoming clear that he'd been spending too much time alone with Emmett.

"We'll see about that when we get out there," Jasper said.

"What time does your flight get in?" I asked.

"I think about four your time. We'll just take a taxi and get checked into our hotel and give you a call."

"Okay sounds like a plan."

"See you in a few days. Say hello to Bella for me."

"Fuck off ass!" I hung up and put my headphones back in.

I pulled out the key to my new space, which I'd picked up from the guy yesterday, and started over there. I hadn't had a chance to check it out yet and I needed to figure out what I'd need before I started working there.

I eventually made it to the building and headed up the stairs. The door opened easily and I reached in blindly for the light switch. After some feeling around, I found it and flipped it on.

He'd definitely cleaned it up a little like I'd asked. The floors had been swept and the windows cleaned. It still was pretty shabby, but at least it was clean.

I stepped into the space and closed the door behind me. I was surprised to find one wall almost completely mirrored. It was covered before so I hadn't noticed it. There was also a long wooden bar about waist level down the wall as well. I had no idea what the hell it was used for, but it definitely had a purpose at some point.

It was a lot of space, which would be helpful. I could keep all of my supplies here if I get myself some shelving so I wouldn't have to keep carting them back and forth. I could maybe buy a little refrigerator to keep some water and drinks.

After I was satisfied and had taken a mental inventory of what I needed I locked back up and started towards the apartment.

I crept inside, half expecting to see Bella there waiting for me again, but the apartment was silent and dark. I set my bag down beside the couch and went to the bathroom to take a shower, hoping I wouldn't wake Bella up. I knew I'd been a little messy tonight and if I didn't get this off me it would stain my skin for days.

I took a quick shower, watching the swirls of brown disappear down the drain. I hopped out and dried myself off before slipping on a pair of sweatpants. I hung up my towel and walked out towards the living room, eyeing Bella's door. Part of me was wondering if she was even in there. She'd obviously snuck out somewhere the other night, who's to say it was a one time thing. It made me a little nervous to think she was out there at a time like that. It wasn't a chick thing at all. Hell, I didn't even necessarily feel comfortable being out there this late. The thought of her walking through those dark alleys by herself scared the shit out of me.

I held my breath and cursed as I reached for her doorknob. I twisted it slowly and inched her door open as I crept inside. I took a tentative step into the darkness and then another. I could barely make out the dark mass of her bed as I felt along the floor with my feet. I sighed in relief when I saw her curled up in her blankets, grasping tightly onto her pillow. She looked so peaceful, so fucking perfect I couldn't help but want to touch her.

I held myself back and turned to walk away, satisfied that she was safe.

"Edward," she mumbled.

I froze on the spot, sure that I'd been caught. I turned back to her and saw that her eyes were still closed. She whispered my name again in her sleep and I smiled. She was dreaming about me.

I knelt down beside her bed and brushed my finger over her cheek. She leaned forward, embracing my touch subconsciously. I couldn't get over that feeling when my skin touched hers. I couldn't even describe it. It was just that feeling. I felt it down in my fucking bones.

I quietly slipped back out into the living room and laid down on the couch. I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. I finally fell asleep as the sun was rising over the skyline and didn't wake until early afternoon. Bella was gone, leaving me a note that she'd be back around dinnertime.

After I got cleaned up, I headed downtown hoping to find everything I needed. I wasn't really lacking for money. My dad was never shy with giving us cash when we needed it. It wasn't that we were necessarily spoiled and waved it in people's faces, but we didn't want for anything and I always appreciated that.

I bought myself a small refrigerator and some more supplies. I dropped them off at my space and started arranging everything. I figured I could start working here whenever I wanted to, but I wanted a few more nights on the streets as odd as it sounds. Even though it was a welcome change it was hard not making your mark. I was used to public anonymous displays of my work, seeing people's reactions to it even though they had no idea it was mine. Now I was taking it completely behind the scenes. There would be no praise, no positive reinforcement for my fragile ego. Nothing until or I guess if I ever decided to show it to anyone. And that was a big if.

**A/N: Thanks for reading everyone!**

**Also just wanted to say a quick note regarding Edward's secret. Some of you have already guessed it and that's completely okay, especially after this chapter (or if you've seen the blinkie) it should be pretty apparent. It was always my intention for you to know before Bella did. She still has awhile to go though : )**


	4. Liar

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Bella**

If I thought I was sore after that first day, it was incomparable the next few. I'd stayed a little longer, practiced a little harder, pushed myself a little more.

I'd finally taken an actual break from the museum. In fact I'd been sleeping later and later because I was so utterly exhausted. Edward always managed to sleep later than I did though. Part of me was sure he was still sneaking out as well. Neither of us said another word about it to each other, but we both knew. It was only a matter of time before it bubbled up again.

"So your friends are coming today?" I asked. Edward had just woken up and taken a shower. He sat at the bar and ran a towel through his damp hair.

"Yeah."

"Are you excited?" I teased.

"Yeah I guess." He set the towel down on his shoulder. "What are you up to tonight?"

"I think Alice is supposed to be back tonight. So we'll probably just hang out here." I grabbed an icepack discreetly from the freezer.

"Well you two are welcome to come out with us. I don't know where we're going yet…"

"Oh. That's okay, I mean I don't want to intrude." I shook my head and started towards my room.

"It wouldn't be an intrusion at all."

"Have fun tonight Edward." I slipped inside my room and closed the door.

I laid down on my bed, wincing as I pulled my feet up. They'd been swollen and banged up from adjusting to the shoes again and I was in a lot of pain. I set the ice pack down and tried to relax. Alice was supposed to get in around six and even though she deserted me this week I missed her.

"Bella?" Edward knocked on my door. "I'm going to meet my friends. Are you sure you don't want to come out?"

"I'm okay," I called.

"Alright well I'll call Alice when we figure out where we're going in case you change your mind."

"Okay thanks." I bit down on my lip and waited for him to leave, but I could see his shadow lingering outside my door.

He finally walked away and I heard the front door close.

This thing with Edward was weird. I mean I don't really know what the thing is necessarily. We're kind of friends right? Friends with this odd volatile relationship where half of me wants to punch him and the other half wishes he would just…touch me again. It was so confusing. I didn't, couldn't like him more than a friend. He was Alice's brother and I had no interest in starting a relationship right now. And even if I did he's so far away from my type he might as well be from Narnia or something.

I flipped through the channels as I waited for Alice to get home, hoping she wouldn't sense my confusion concerning Edward. She always had a knack for these kinds of things and she would react strongly to it. As in probably trying to get us married and pregnant by New Years. I always hear Alice saying how much she wishes Edward would find someone, but I honestly don't think I'm that someone for him.

"Bella!" Alice screamed. My door whipped open and she jumped on my bed with a big smile and a newly gained sun kissed glow. "Hi!" She smiled.

"Hi." I waved.

"Where is that handsome brother of mine?" She asked.

"He's out with his friends."

"That's probably what he told me on the voicemail I haven't listened to yet." She looked down at my feet. "What happened? Did you fall again?"

"No. I just…yeah I fell. Just twisted my ankle a little, I'm fine."

She pulled out her phone and started listening to what I assumed to be Edward's voicemail. "Oh my God! I didn't know Jasper was coming," she squealed. "We have to go out with him. I've had a crush on him forever."

"I don't want to go out Alice…"

"Please! Please go out with me." She pouted. "I'll buy you a drink hot stuff."

I crossed my arms and sighed. "Fine, but I'm only staying for a little bit."

"It's okay I plan on leaving on the arm of a cute blonde with a southern accent," she laughed. "Get up and get ready."

I didn't move. I knew when Alice said "get ready" she'd be at least two hours, maybe more. It took me like a half hour so I had some time.

I finally rolled out of bed at about 8:30 when Alice started putting on her makeup. I ran a comb through my hair and washed my face. I threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and I was ready to go.

"Bella we're going out. You can't wear jeans," Alice said.

"Yes I can."

"Okay but if you're going to wear jeans at least wear skinny jeans honey, you could fit like five people in the ones you have on." She headed into my room to search. I knew by the time she was finished she'd have a whole new outfit picked out for me. And she did.

I changed into the gray skinny jeans and flowy tank she'd picked out. I made sure it securely covered my scar before I agreed to wear it. She wanted me to wear high-heeled boots but I refused, opting for my sneakers instead.

I didn't know why but I was a little nervous. I mean I didn't go out a lot, but I've never been this anxious about it. Maybe it was because I was going with a group of people I didn't know. Or maybe it was because of one boy that I was starting to.

Before I knew it, I'd actually swiped some makeup across my face and lightly twisted the sides of my hair back from my face.

'Okay I'm ready!" Alice yelled. "Wow," she breathed when I stepped out of the bathroom. "You look great. I didn't think…" She examined my face. "Wait. I know that look." She took a few steps towards me.

"What look?" I shrugged.

"You're dressing up for a guy. But you don't even know any of the…" She trailed off as her eyes widened. "You have a crush on Edward!"

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do. Bella Swan likes my brother." She laughed and hugged me. "This is great. We're going to be sisters."

"Alice!" I scolded. "Stop being ridiculous." I hoped she would take that as a denial, even though it necessarily wasn't.

I wrapped myself up in a coat and we went downstairs.

We hopped in a cab and Alice told the driver where we were going. I was just glad it was a bar and not a club. I may be able to dance ballet with the best of them but my ability to booty dance is zilch. I can imagine there'd be some dancing at this bar, but it wouldn't be as overwhelming.

We waited in line for about ten minutes before we were carded and let in. It was fairly crowded so it took us a while to find them, or him I guess. Edward was the only one I would have recognized. Apparently Alice had met the rest of them very briefly before.

Edward's eyes lit up immediately when he saw us. "Bella!" He smiled at me and turned to Alice. "Hey sis." He stood up and gave her a hug, keeping his eyes on me the whole time.

Three other people were seated at the corner booth with him. There was a blonde girl who I assumed to be Rosalie. She looked like a bitch to me and I could see where she could be intimidating. Her bright red lipstick and obvious tattoos might have given it away.

She sat next to a big, thick man, her arm draped over the back of his chair. She leaned in and whispered something in his ear and kissed his cheek.

Even if Jasper wasn't the only one left by process of elimination, I would have known him. Alice gravitated towards him like she had some magnetic pull.

"Guys you all remember Alice," Edward said. "And this is her roommate Bella."

"Bella," Jasper said, glancing towards Edward. "It's nice to meet you." He nodded his head, almost like he was tipping an invisible hat my direction.

"Bella this is Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie."

I said a quick hello to everyone and grabbed a chair from the table beside them.

"What do you guys want to drink?" Jasper asked.

"Beer," Alice and I said in unison.

"Can I get another round of beers please?" Jasper yelled to the waitress as she passed. She scowled at him and started towards the bar. "So Bella…Edward's told me so much about you."

I glanced at Edward quick enough to see him blush.

"Is that so? All good I hope," I smiled.

"He seems to think so."

"Jasper," Edward scolded under his breath.

"So you're going to school?" Emmett asked, effectively breaking the awkward moment.

"Yeah. Well I intern and go to classes."

"What are you going to school for?"

"Undecided at the moment. I guess I like history so maybe that or anthropology. Something like that. My internship is at a museum and I'm actually doing research for this year long class. I have to do this huge freshman term paper."

"Sounds brutal. I hate reading."

"It's not so bad." I glanced over at Edward and laughed, thinking about our day at the museum.

"When you sit in a library all fucking day and do it, it's brutal," Edward teased.

"We were there for like an hour."

"Wait you went to work with her?" Alice said. She looked between the two of us grinning.

"Yeah," Edward shrugged. "I needed something to do."

The waitress finally returned with our drinks and I gulped mine down. I was never a beer drinker growing up. In fact I didn't drink much because I was always training, but the whole college student thing was really getting to me. I didn't mind it so much now.

"Oh! I love this song!" Alice screamed, looking pointedly at Jasper. "Dance with me!" She jumped up and pulled him with her. Edward sighed and shook his head.

"You want to dance baby?" Emmett asked, kissing Rosalie's shoulder. Rose didn't answer she just stood up and pulled him out on the dance floor, leaving Edward and I alone at the table.

He glanced at me as he traced his finger around the top of his beer bottle, and smiled. _Please don't ask me to dance._ I gulped hard and took a sip of my beer.

"Bella," he leaned over the table. "Come sit with me." He nodded to the space beside him.

"O-okay." I stood from my chair and walked around the booth, scooting into the seat next to him. He lazily rested his arm along the back of the seat behind my shoulders.

"You don't go out much do you?" He asked.

"No not really. I mean Alice drags me out sometimes, but it's just not my scene I guess."

"Are you having fun?" His eyes were slightly glazed over and I wondered how many drinks he'd had before we got here.

"Yeah. Your friends are nice." I started playing with my beer bottle.

"Yeah they're pretty great." He glanced out at the dance floor. "Except for the fact that Jasper has his hands all over my sister's ass at the moment." He laughed and shook his head.

"I'll tell you a secret," I leaned in close. "But you can't tell anyone because I'm severely breaking girl code right now."

"I promise."

"Alice likes Jasper. She told me she's had a crush on him forever."

"Hm. That makes sense I guess."

We sat together talking and watching them all dance.

"You look really pretty tonight Bella," he mumbled.

"Thank you." I knew I was blushing so I tried not to look at him.

"You have the most…beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen." He brushed my hair away from my shoulder and I blushed even more.

"Thank you," I whispered again.

"Boo!" Emmett yelled, sitting back down at the table. I jumped and cleared my throat, distancing myself a little from Edward. "Rosie's ready to head back to the hotel."

"Which hotel are you guys staying at?" Alice said, suddenly popping in behind them. She toted Jasper behind her, grasping firmly onto his hand.

Emmett rambled off the name of the hotel and I didn't even recognize it.

"Oh no that won't do!" Alice said. "You come stay with us."

"Alice we have a two bedroom apartment." I wasn't trying to be rude but I honestly didn't think we had the room.

"We'll make it work. We can always bunk up with someone." She glanced back at Jasper.

"Fine. But I'm not sharing my room." She was inviting all these people, which I didn't really mind, but I wanted my own space.

"Fine." Alice reached in her purse and called for a cab that would fit all of us. This should be interesting.

**Edward**

We all piled into the cab and headed to their hotel so they could check out and get their things. I see why Alice didn't want them staying here. It was an overpriced dump. I never would have asked her to offer her apartment but it was really nice that she did. Six people staying in a two bedroom was definitely going to be a fucking adventure.

As soon as we got back everyone started scrambling figuring out where to sleep. Emmett and Rose called the pull out couch and I saw Alice dragging Jasper to her room.

"I don't think so," I said. "Jasper can sleep on the floor out here just like I am."

"I'm a big girl Edward," Alice protested. She whipped Jasper inside her room and locked the door just before I could try opening it.

"Jasper you remember that's my sister!" I yelled as I pounded on the door.

"Let me get you some blankets," Bella said softly, opening the hallway closet. She pulled out some more pillows and a few blankets. "You could always use the couch cushions for a bed," she shrugged.

"I'll try that. Thanks." I smiled as she disappeared into her room and closed the door.

I attempted to make myself a make-shift bed out of the cushions, just like Bella had suggested. I guess it was alright. Emmett and Rose were already settled in on the couch so I turned off the light, pulled my shirt off and tried to get comfortable on my shitty bed. It was kind of ridiculous when you thought about it. I was the original guest here and somehow I ended up on the damn floor.

"Come on baby," Emmett purred. "Edward's asleep."

"No I'm not!" I yelled. "I'm not asleep."

"Okay well he won't listen."

I grabbed my pillow and held it around my head, trying to block out the sounds I knew were about to happen. They were like fucking animals.

"For fucks sake!" I sighed. I got up and pulled a blanket and pillow with me as I started towards the hallway. I knew better than to knock on Alice's door. Even though I was pissed it was happening, I knew they were probably doing the same thing I was trying to get away from.

I took a tentative step towards Bella's door and knocked.

"Uh…come in," she said softly.

I opened the door and peeked my head inside. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, her backpack sitting by her feet. She was going to sneak out again.

"Going somewhere?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow.

"No," she lied.

"Listen I know you said you wanted your space and I get that, but everyone else in this apartment is having sex and I really don't want to be in the room while that's happening."

"Oh."

"Can I sleep on your floor?"

"Of course." She sighed and laid back in her bed.

I smiled and closed the door behind me. I didn't bother bringing the couch cushions because I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I stumbled a little as I walked over to the empty space beside her bed.

"Sorry I'm a little drunk," I laughed.

"It's okay. Do you have enough blankets?"

"Yeah I'm good." I laid down on the floor and pulled the blanket up around me. "So where were you really going?"

"Nowhere."

"Liar," I laughed. "It's okay though I'll figure it out eventually."

"Why do you want to know?"

"I don't know I like knowing things about you. And the whole mysterious thing is driving me crazy…in a good way."

"I don't think I'm the only one with secrets Edward."

"No you're not." I turned on my side so I could look up at her. She was laying on the edge of her bed, her head propped up on her elbow so she could look down at me.

"Why don't you want anyone to know?" She asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"That people won't accept me, won't like me for who I really am. My dad always thought I was going to be a doctor like him. I know he would never be a jerk about it. He'd always support me, but it's just really personal and I don't know if I want to open myself up like that. It leaves me vulnerable."

"And being vulnerable is bad?"

"It's terrifying." I turned and tried to get comfortable, but this floor was hard as a fucking rock.

"Edward?" She whispered.

"Yeah."

"Come on." She scooted over and pulled her blankets back.

"Are you sure?"

"It's just a bed and it's just sleeping. I don't want you to injure yourself sleeping on that floor," she laughed.

I got up and stood there for a moment, hesitating before crawling into bed beside her.

"If you try anything sneaky I'll knock you back where you just came from," she warned.

"So it'd probably be inappropriate if I asked to spoon?"

She laughed and punched me in the shoulder. "Goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight Bella."

When I woke up a few hours later I was completely horrified. Besides the fact that I was already sporting morning wood, sometime during the night I'd rolled close to Bella. My arms were wrapped around her and my chest was pressed against her back. I thought she would have pushed me away, kicked me out of the bed, but she didn't. Her arms rested gently upon mine, almost like she liked it. I don't know if she consciously liked it, but she fucking liked it.

I quickly and quietly separated myself from her and looked outside. It was only four in the morning. It was still dark out. I never slept well when I drank unless I passed out.

I got out of bed and covered Bella back up. I tiptoed blindly towards the door and was happy to find the rest of the apartment silent. I figured if I left now I could still get some time in. I grabbed my backpack and bundled myself up before heading out.

It was so late, or so early depending on how you look at it, that there was hardly anyone out. Even the throngs of homeless people had found a place for the night and were asleep.

I didn't walk far from the apartment before I found a place. I set my bag down and started working. I was out until the sun started coming up.

I stopped by the store and grabbed some donuts and coffee for everyone. When I got back to the apartment Emmett, Jasper and Alice were awake.

"Good morning dear brother," Alice said. She looked happy as hell and to be honest I didn't want to know why. She took the box of donuts from me and a coffee.

"Where have you been?" Emmett asked.

"Just getting breakfast."

"That long?"

"What?" I set the rest of the coffee down.

"I got up at like 2 to piss and you weren't on the floor. I actually tried to step on you."

"You must have just missed." I shrugged. I grabbed a cinnamon donut and a coffee and started towards Bella's room. "I'll just take her some before you two eat it all."

Emmett narrowed his eyes at me playfully. He knew. Not that there was anything to know really, except for the fact that I slept in her room. In her bed.

I didn't bother knocking, just pushed the door open and walked inside.

"Good morning," Bella said, stretching her arms above her head.

"I brought you breakfast. If I would have left it out there, they would have eaten it." I sat back down on the bed beside her and handed her the donut and coffee.

"Thank you. Did you go out and get it all?"

"Yeah. I was on my way back." I didn't think I needed to elaborate about where I'd been.

"When did you leave?"

"Around four."

She nodded and took a bite of her donut.

"I was going to sneak out last night. Before you came in," she admitted.

"I know."

She nodded again and fell silent.

I turned my head towards her and watched her. It was strange, this feeling in my chest. It wasn't something I was used to, or knew how to deal with. Hell I didn't even know what it was to be honest. It scared me. It was another way to be vulnerable.

"What?" She mumbled, turning towards me.

"Nothing," I whispered.

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to so fucking bad but something was holding me back and I couldn't understand why I didn't do it. I glanced down at her lips and sighed as I turned my head away from her.

"What's going on in here?" Alice screamed. She ran in the room laughing and jumped on the bed, landing squarely on my legs.

"Ouch! Fuck!" I tried to push her off.

"She does that a lot," Bella said.

"Maybe you should put a deadbolt on your door."

"What are you two doing?" Alice asked, her eyes dancing between the two of us.

"Having breakfast." Bella held up her half-eaten donut.

"I see. So what are we doing today?"

"I'm going to the museum."

"No! You're always there. You're supposed to be on a break. Hang out with us." Alice grabbed her hand.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I have some things to do." Bella glanced my way and got off the bed. She left the room and went into the bathroom.

"Edward." Alice smiled.

"Alice."

"You like her don't you?"

"She's nice."

"And?"

"And what?"

"And this blanket and pillow don't belong here." She nodded to my blanket and pillow from last night.

"Don't worry about it." I took Bella's coffee for my own, assuming she was done with it. I jumped off the bed and headed out into the living room.

Bella emerged from the bathroom a while later, freshly showered with her hair damp. She went back into her room and closed the door.

"So. Are we going to see the city today?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah sure," I glanced over at Bella's door.

"I'll be your tour guide," Alice offered.

Bella's door opened and she walked out, carrying her backpack.

"I'm heading to the museum." She gave us a smile and quick wave as she headed towards the door. _Liar. Again. _ I don't know how I knew it, but she wasn't going to the museum.

After she left we all started getting ready. I felt like the fucking Brady Bunch with five people sharing one bathroom. Good thing Bella got ready and got the hell out of there.

Alice took us around the city, showing us all her favorite spots. I think I liked the Bella tour better, but I couldn't decide if it was because of the actual tour or the company.

They all decided they wanted to stop and get lunch and I realized we were fairly close to the museum, so I offered to go get Bella to join us, even though I knew she wasn't there. I just needed to see it, to know I was right about her. To show myself that I knew her better than she thinks even after a week.

Thankfully the security guard recognized me and allowed me downstairs. Siobhan looked surprised to see me, but I wasn't surprised that she was alone.

"Edward. It's nice to see you. Bella isn't in today you know."

"No I knew. I just wanted to see it myself." I laughed and looked around. "And when is she scheduled to be back here?"

"Not until classes start back up again. After the New Year."

"Alright. It was nice to see you."

"You too."

I joined up with the group again and we had lunch before starting back to the apartment. Bella arrived a few minutes after we did, looking exhausted. It made me even more curious as to what she was doing. She mumbled a hello and grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen.

I jumped up from the couch and pretended to be doing the same. The rest of them were too involved in their conversation to notice.

I came up behind Bella and gently grabbed her hips. "I had a nice visit with Siobhan today…" I whispered. She tensed under my fingers and turned her face slightly towards mine.

"Please don't say anything…" She said softly.

"I won't."

She quickly maneuvered out of my grip and disappeared into her bedroom. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to act normal as I returned to the group. I wasn't normal. This girl was making me not normal.

* * *

**A/N: I am back safely home : )**

**Only one announcement today. While I was driving I thought of a great idea for a one shot contest so I'm running one and it's going to be really fun! Check out the link here for the deets. www . ossoundtrack . blogspot . com Just in a nutshell, you sign up for the contest and after sign up is finish I'm randomly assigning songs to the participating authors to be used for inspiration for their o/s. **

**Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, favorites. You're awesome and I love reading what you guys think of this story : ) It was interesting to see how many of you think that they're using the same space... **

** How long do you think it'll take for them to get their shit together and go for it?  
**


	5. Special

**Thank you guys so much for all the support! You guys make me happy. **

**And big thanks to kdillin for being my beta. You're amazing and you catch things that I'm an epic fail on. Thanks!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Bella**

My feet were on fire. It'd been two weeks since I started dancing again and it was taking a toll on me.

I laid in bed until I heard the apartment fall silent, thinking they'd all left. They said something about going Christmas shopping since Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett had decided to stay through New Year's.

I finally got up, wincing as I crossed the floor. It was like fucking daggers were shooting through my feet, echoing through my leg. I opened my door and peeked out. It seemed deserted.

I scooted into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub. I just needed something cold, something wet on my feet. I needed something to soothe them or I was going to scream.

I turned on the ice-cold water and stuck my feet under it, gasping at the temperature. My toenails were shot to Hell, bloody and bandaged from all the trauma. I'd have to try and wrap them better.

I winced as I reached down and started massaging my feet.

"Bella?"

I panicked and tried to pull my damaged feet out of plain sight.

"What the hell did you do to your feet?" Edward was suddenly beside me, his hair sticking out in all directions. He bent down and brushed my pajama pants back, uncovering my feet. "Jesus…"

"They're fine."

"They're not fine. What the fuck are you doing that's causing this?" He glared up at me, almost like he was genuinely pissed.

"It's none of your business."

"None of my business? You're hurting yourself Bella."

"It's not like that."

"Then what's it like? Tell me." He ran his fingers gently across my feet, tenderly caressing the skin.

"I thought you all left," I said, chewing anxiously on my lip.

"They were going too fucking early for me. I wanted to sleep a little more. I'm meeting up with them."

I stood up and tried to avoid letting the pain show in my face.

"What'd you do, tell Alice you were going to the museum again to get out of it?" He asked.

"So what if I did?"

"You know all this lying is going to blow up in your face eventually."

"Why do you care?" I spun around. "Why does any of this matter to you?" He was starting to piss me off with his interrogation. I didn't owe him anything. I barely knew him.

"No fucking clue." He walked back in the bathroom and closed the door. I heard the shower start and I went back into my room, not bothering to close the door.

He emerged ten minutes later, a towel wrapped around his waist. "Do you want to go shopping with us?"

"I'm busy."

"Bella you're not fucking doing whatever the hell you're doing today. Look at your damn feet. Just let them rest a day."

"Fine." I crossed my arms and got up so I could get dressed. I threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt while Edward got dressed in the bathroom.

I walked to the front door and slipped on my most comfortable sneakers. I noticed his shoes were there again. This time there were white splatters across the top. For someone who complains about my demons, he obviously has some that he's working through too.

He walked out to meet me and threw on his shoes. He pulled on his hot pink hat and gloves and I tried not to laugh.

"You still find this funny don't you?" He asked, his scowl turning into a smirk.

"It's hilarious," I laughed, effectively breaking away from the tension between us.

"Alright let's go."

Edward called Alice to see where they were. The store was close enough that we didn't have to take a cab. We passed by a coffee shop, my favorite bookstore, and a vintage clothing store Alice frequented before we found them.

"Why are they in a Toy Store?" I asked as Edward held the door open for me.

"You don't know my friends," he laughed.

We found them at the back of the store, playing with the remote control cars.

"Bella!" Alice smiled. "I didn't think you were coming." She gave me a hug and glanced at Edward.

"I'll be right back," Edward said, turning around and heading back towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Smoke a cigarette," he said sarcastically.

I narrowed my eyes at him. _Lie._

"Bella. We're racing. Come on there's one car left," Emmett laughed. He waved me over and handed me a remote control. Apparently I was the red car and Rosalie had kicked all their asses every time. I wasn't a bitch about it, but I was a very competitive person so naturally I was gunning for her. I rammed my car into hers, completely taking her by surprise and forcing her off the track.

"You bitch," she said playfully.

"Hey I never said I'd play fair," I smiled.

"I like you already," Rose nodded.

I ended up beating Jasper and Emmett and then Rose and I teased them about getting their asses kicked by two girls. Needless to say they didn't ask for any more rematches.

We made our way around the store, reminiscing about the toys we remembered as kids.

Edward returned eventually, a plain brown paper bag under his arm. He smiled and nodded towards Alice, almost like they were having a secret conversation.

"So what'd I miss?" He asked.

"Bella and I beat Emmett and Jasper in racing," Rosalie said.

"Really?"

"It's true," I shrugged.

"You two are fucking rejected from the male species." He pointed at Emmett and Jasper.

"Alright let's head out troops!" Alice called, waving us towards the front of the store.

Edward and I fell into natural step with each other as we all walked along the sidewalk. It was almost like we were two distinct groups. Us and them.

"So what'd you buy?" I asked, nodding towards his mysterious brown bag.

"It's a Christmas present."

"Can I see it?"

"No," he smirked.

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"Okay Mom," I said sarcastically.

He laughed and adjusted his hat on his head.

I noticed Alice was watching us closely. She leaned in and whispered something to Jasper before turning her head forward again.

We shopped for the rest of the day. I knew I was going to get Alice a Christmas present but I didn't know what I was supposed to do about the others. I mean I'd just met them but they were going to be there Christmas morning. Would it be awkward that I didn't have anything for them? I decided I'd go back to the toy store and get something small for Emmett and Jasper just in case. I bought a little charm bracelet for Rose that was only like ten dollars. I still had no idea what Edward was really into so I bought him a new hat and glove set so he wouldn't have to wear that God-awful hot pink one. Worst-case scenario, I wait for them to make the first move. If they didn't get me anything I'd have a new bracelet, a couple new toys and a hat and gloves. Merry Christmas to me! It's a win-win situation.

We grabbed some take-out on the way home and all watched a movie out in the living room. I could see myself being real friends with these people. They were fairly easy to be around and I didn't feel like I had to change or be someone else for them to like me.

I went to bed fairly early and set an alarm for midnight, hoping they'd all be asleep. Edward was crazy if he thought I wasn't going to get any practice in today.

I smiled as I felt him slip in beside me. It was a little weird that he'd slept in my bed a couple of times since his friends had been here. In his defense he doesn't do it every night, only when Emmett and Rosalie were feeling a little frisky. I felt a little bad for him. I wouldn't want to witness that either. I'd probably be scarred for life.

He didn't try anything…for the most part. The last couple times I'd woken up with his arms around me, but I saw he was fast asleep so he probably didn't even know he was doing it. I'd give him a free pass on that one. As long as he didn't try humping me in his sleep I could deal with it.

As soon as my alarm went off I quickly turned it off, hoping I didn't wake him. He stirred a little, but just turned on his side and mumbled something incoherent under his breath.

I slid out of bed and covered him back up. I grabbed my clothes and my bag and quietly slipped out of the room. I tiptoed into the bathroom and closed the door before turning on the light. I threw my clothes on and turned the light back off as I crept through the apartment and slipped outside.

It was colder than usual, the night absolutely void of any clouds. It was unusual for New York to be able to see the stars, but they were pretty bright tonight. Even with all the city lights I could see them perfectly.

I headed to my practice space, ignoring the cat calls like usual. They were getting less frequent now that I was becoming a regular, but I didn't want to give them the attention.

I pulled down the fire escape stairs and climbed up. It'd become quite a normal routine for me so I was surprised to find a long, thick metal rod a few stories up.

"Perfect," I whispered. I climbed past my floor and grabbed it, hoping whoever put it there wouldn't miss it too much. I went back down to my floor and went inside.

Over the past couple of weeks I'd accumulated a few other things, mostly boxes and a few lights. I placed the metal rod across the boxes, securing it there with some packaging tape from my bag. It was a pretty shitty bar but it would do.

I placed my leg on top of it and stretched my body along the length. It felt good to finally use a bar…or a makeshift bar at least. I gasped as it buckled under my weight and I crashed towards the ground.

"Damn it," I whispered. I picked the bar up and hurled it across the room. I sat there for a few minutes my shoulders heaving up and down. I finally composed myself and stood back up to work on my footwork. My turnout went to shit after all this time and I needed to work on it if I ever wanted to look like I knew what I was doing.

When I started getting tired I cleaned up my stuff and bundled back up in my coat. As I stepped back onto the fire escape I took a chance to really look up at the stars, noting again how bright they were tonight.

I blinked as a bright spot darted across the sky. I'd never seen a shooting star before. It was so fast I thought maybe I was imagining it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, leaning my elbows against the dark metal. You were supposed to make a wish right? When you see a shooting star?

"I wish…" I wish I could go back. I wish things wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. I wish I could have been normal. I wish it wouldn't have happened to me. I wish I could have gone to the dance academy. I wish my dad would understand. I wish anyone would understand. I wish I could be me again. And the last thing I wished for before I opened my eyes was him. I wish Edward would find whatever it is he's looking for, because I have a feeling deep down that he's just as lost as I am. And at least if we were together in that, we weren't so alone after all.

**Edward**

I had kind of accepted the fact that my body craved to be close to her, even though my mind was screaming to leave her alone. I knew as soon as I fell asleep my arms would somehow find their way around her, no matter how far away I started out. I was practically on the edge of the fucking bed and I still woke up with her warm body against mine. Except for tonight.

I woke up without her beside me. Without the delicious smell of her strawberry scented hair next to me. Without her soft breathing keeping me relaxed. It was gone. She was gone.

I shot up and looked around the room.

"Bella?" I ran my fingers through my hair. I noticed her coat, which had conveniently rested on the back of her chair when I came in, was gone. "Damnit," I whispered. She snuck out again when I told her to give it a rest. That girl drove me insane. She didn't listen. She bitched about every little thing. Why couldn't she just give in for once?

I jumped out of bed, not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I had no idea where she was and I wasn't foolish enough that I could even begin to look for her, but I was so pissed that I wasn't going back to sleep.

I glanced at the clock as I put a shirt on. A little after one. I'd only been asleep a little more than two hours. I cursed under my breath and slipped out into the living room. I grabbed my bag and silently headed out of the apartment.

I put my headphones in and just started walking, not really paying attention to where I was going. I pulled my hood up and nearly bumped into some guy. He shoved me a little, but I just kept walking. I wasn't looking for a fight, I just couldn't sit back at the apartment while she was out here.

I found a spot to work soon enough and started throwing out anything that was in my head. I used a lot more dark than usual because I was pissed off, but other than that it was my signature style.

I worked for a few hours before gathering up my things. I took a deep breath and leaned back against the brick wall of the alleyway. As I looked up into the sky I noticed something bright shoot across the sky and I thought for the slightest moment it was a plane or some shit. And then I realized it was way to fast and smiled to myself. A shooting star.

I'd seen one before when I was about six. Alice and I were out playing in the backyard and my parents kept yelling at us to come inside. We were having too much fun trying to catch fireflies. And then when one shot across the sky we were both amazed.

"Can't catch that one…" Alice mumbled. "Make a wish."

I shook my head and slammed it back against the wall again. I wish for strength. I wish for creativity. I wish I could be who I want to be and not worry about what anyone else thinks. And then I wished for her. I wished for Bella to find happiness and love, God I wished for her to find love. And I didn't necessarily mean with a guy, but there was something missing behind her beautiful eyes and I knew that was what it was. Whatever love means for her, I wished she would find it.

I stood there for a few minutes before throwing my backpack on and starting back to the apartment. I stopped just as I reached the end of the alley as a girl walked in front of me. She didn't even look my way as she passed and continued in the same direction I was.

"Fuck me," I whispered, instantly recognizing her hair underneath her hood.

I started following Bella down the sidewalk. I assumed she was on her way back to the apartment as well but I didn't want her to think I was following her.

She almost glanced behind her a few times. I think she knew someone was following her, but wasn't sure what to think of it. I almost wished she'd turn around and punch me the fuck out. At least I wouldn't be so worried about her out here if she reacted that way. It was a normal reaction.

I followed her the rest of the way back to the apartment. We had just turned the corner to our street when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

"Excuse me sir, can I ask you to stop for a moment?" I knew instantly by his tone of voice that he was a cop. "Young lady!" He called to Bella. Shit. I was definitely caught now.

She jumped and slowly turned around, still not looking at me.

"Can I see some identification?" He asked. I sighed and pulled out my wallet so I could hand him my driver's license. "Mr. Cullen, can I ask why you're following this young lady?"

"Edward?" Bella asked. She pulled down her hood and looked at me.

"You know him?" The cop asked.

"He's my roommate's brother. What are you doing out here?" She asked.

"Well he's been following fairly close behind you for the past five blocks or so. I just wanted to make sure you were safe miss." The cop handed me back my license. "What's in the bag?" He nodded to my backpack.

"Nothing sir."

"Nothing huh?" He reached for it and I tensed up, knowing what was going to happen next. She was going to know everything and I didn't know if I was ready for her to. The moment he opened my bag it would expose my secret.

"Officer it's fine. He's actually staying with us. There's no trouble at all," Bella said.

"Are you sure?" The cop asked, his hand on my backpack's zipper.

"Yes. I'm sure."

"Alright. You two get inside now. You shouldn't be walking around this late, it's dangerous." He sighed and handed me back my bag. I breathed a sigh of relief and slung it back over my shoulder.

Bella waited and we walked into the lobby together.

"Miss Bella," the guy at the front desk smiled.

"Hiyah Dave," I waved.

"Dale," Bella corrected me as she started up the stairs.

"Mr. Cullen. Enjoy the rest of your evening," Dale nodded.

I could tell she was pissed by the way she stomped up the stairs. Her fists were clenched tightly at her sides, her face completely hidden under her sea of brown waves.

"Bella," I whispered. She didn't stop when we reached the landing. "Bella!" I reached out and grabbed her arm.

"What?" She snapped.

"I just…I know how bad that looked. I was not following you."

She glared at me.

"Okay maybe I was following you," I admitted. "But it's not what you think. I was…out and saw you walking back to the apartment so I just decided to walk with you…without…you knowing." I tried to string together something that didn't sound so creepy but it was no use.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. I woke up and you were gone and I couldn't go back to sleep."

She turned around and started up the stairs again. We didn't say another word as we reached the apartment. She quickly unlocked the door and went straight to her room, closing the door behind her.

I set my bag down and walked over to her door so I could go to bed. I guess there wasn't any sex going on that I needed to avoid but I'd gotten a little comfortable sleeping in her bed with her. I reached for the doorknob and felt it catch against the lock.

"Bella," I said, knocking softly. "Let me in."

"No."

"Bella. Please let me in. I don't even have my pillow or blanket to sleep out here." I sat down on the floor and leaned back against her door.

"You'll survive."

"Why are you being such a bitch right now?"

"Why are you being such an asshole? Go to sleep."

I sighed and closed my eyes, thinking I would just lay there for a minute. A minute turned into a few minutes and a few minutes turned into a few hours. The next thing I knew the door flew open and my head slammed down against her floor.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bella asked.

I heard some laughter from out in the kitchen and looked up to see everyone else sitting at the bar having breakfast. Apparently I'd missed the memo that it was in fact morning.

"I guess I fell asleep." I rubbed my head and slowly sat up, trying to get my bearings.

"Did you two have your first married couple fight?" Emmett teased.

"Shut up Emmett," Bella and I yelled. She stepped over me and disappeared into the bathroom.

I got up and stretched my arms above my head. I would not recommend sleeping against a door. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done and I would have been better off sleeping in the bathtub or something. Bella emerged from the bathroom and went inside her room again.

"Here," Alice said, handing me a plate of food. "Go, go." She nodded towards Bella's door. I quickly grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, hoping they wouldn't really notice. I could imagine that her feet were in pretty bad shape even though I had no idea why.

I knocked and then tried her door, relieved to find it was unlocked. She was sitting on her bed and quickly wiped at her eyes as I entered.

"I brought you breakfast," I said softly. I crossed the few steps to her bed and sat down at the edge.

"Thank you." She took the plate from me and started eating.

"I brought you this too." I held up the ice pack. Her feet were covered up by her blanket so I pushed it up and took them in my lap. Honestly they looked like someone bashed them with a baseball bat or something.

"God Bella can't you just give it a break for a few nights?" I started caressing her feet, memorizing each inch of damage.

"It doesn't hurt that bad."

"You really suck at lying."

"Just to you," she whispered. "You're the only one who ever knows when I'm lying."

I smiled a little and brought the ice pack to her skin. She flinched a little and relaxed.

"Is that okay? Does it hurt?" I asked.

"No it's fine. They're mostly just sore now." She shrugged.

"May I?" I asked, nodding towards her feet.

"May you what?"

I smirked and pulled her foot closer to me as I massaged up and down the skin. I tried various pressure points, varying light and hard force. She set the plate down on her stomach and closed her eyes.

"Mmmm right there," she moaned.

"O-okay."

She bit down on her lip and whimpered. I guess I didn't think this whole massage thing through. I was just trying to be helpful; I didn't realize all these…noises were going to come with it. It was starting to affect me more than I cared for her to know.

Clowns. Babies. Grandpa Cullen naked. I tried to think of anything that would help drown out those incredibly sexy noises escaping her lips. I know she didn't mean to but it was creating quite the fucking situation in my jeans. I pushed her feet slightly away from my lap, settling them down towards me knee and away from Mount Edward.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

I didn't realize I'd completely stopped moving or breathing in an effort to remain calm.

"Yeah. Sorry." I shook my head and started working again. "So you're coming to Carlisle and Esme's cabin with us?" They'd purchased a house out here in upstate New York after Alice had moved out here. They were coming out for Christmas and invited all six of us to come stay with them. They had this huge Christmas party every year and Alice of course wanted to help plan and decorate. We were heading up there a couple of days before them to plan, decorate and party before they got there.

"Yeah I guess so." She shrugged.

"Good. I'm glad you'll be there." I found my hands drifting a little north of her feet to her ankles and lower leg.

"Thank you. That feels really good."

"You're welcome."

"Did you used to massage everyone's feet at the skating rink?" She laughed.

"Only the special ones."

"So I'm a special one then?"

I looked at her and winked. "Yes you're special."


	6. Intoxicated

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Edward**

"Hey asswipe it's your turn to drive!" I pulled over to the side of the road and put our rented van into park. Emmett and I agreed to split the drive in half and it was his turn. I spun around in my seat and threw the map at him. Every one of these assholes fell asleep less than an hour into the ride, leaving me completely alone. Jasper sat in the front seat beside me; Alice and Rose were in the individual seats curled up behind me. Emmett and Bella were in the very back, leaning up against their perspective windows.

"Fine," he huffed. He undid his seatbelt and crawled through the mess of people to the door. I got out and stretched for a minute while he walked around to the driver's side. I finally got back in the van and made my way to the back next to Bella.

"Edward," she mumbled, still half asleep.

"Yeah." I rested my elbow on the small ledge beside the window and closed my eyes.

"Are we almost there?" Her head turned my way and she smiled.

"Just a few more hours."

She nodded and went back to asleep. I quickly joined her, dozing off as Emmett continued down the road.

I heard the mumbling voices before I opened my eyes and I wondered how long I'd been asleep. I was hoping it was awhile so I wouldn't have to be in this car for much longer.

"So cute," Alice squealed.

"You're going to wake them up," Rose said softly.

I felt something warm nuzzle into my shoulder and I slowly opened my eyes. Alice and Rose were turned around looking at me with big, excited eyes. The something nuzzled my shoulder again and I realized it was a sleeping Bella. She had her head rested on my shoulder and her arm draped across my stomach. I guess we were so attuned to actually sleeping with each other that it just happened. I wasn't complaining but it sure meant that Alice was going to be up my ass about it even more now.

"We're almost there," Alice said, smiling. I could almost see the little gears turning in her head and I decided right then and there I couldn't give Bella her gift in front of everyone. I'd be like the weird kid on the playground that everyone points and laughs at.

"Good," I mumbled. I snuggled back into the seat, trying not to wake Bella. As soon as Alice and Rose turned forward I looked down at her. She looked really peaceful and it made me smile a little.

I glanced outside, relieved to see we had pulled off on a small, winding driveway. It led back through the snow-blanketed woods and to the large cabin settled in the distance.

"We're here!" Emmett announced a little too loudly. Bella shot up, her eyes lazily blinking as she looked around. She gasped when she realized she'd been laying on me and cleared her throat.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"It's okay." I smiled and started to crawl out.

Emmett, Jasper and I unloaded all of the luggage while the girls ran inside. It was fucking cold outside, I didn't blame them.

"Okay you can have any room you want except for the master bedroom. That's for Carlisle and Esme when they get here in a couple days!" Alice announced once we were all inside. I ended up in the moose room and let me tell you they weren't fucking around when they named it that. I had moose sheets, moose wallpaper, even moose soap in my bathroom. Alice and Jasper ended up in the room across from me and Rose and Emmett were beside us. Bella got lucky and ran to the third floor loft area. She had that whole thing to herself.

I unpacked the small bag of shit I brought and headed back out into the living room. The other doors were closed so I assumed they were doing their couple things that I didn't want to know a fucking thing about.

It was a little chilly in here so I thought I should start a fire. There was some firewood sitting beside the elaborate stone fireplace, along with some newspapers for kindling. I bent down and stuck some of each in before reaching into my back pocket and pulling out my lighter. I lit the newspaper in a few different places and watched to see if the wood would catch fire. It eventually did so I sat back and lit a cigarette from the newly burning embers. Esme hated when I smoked but she wasn't here yet so I guess she couldn't bitch at me.

"Nice fire," Bella said, stepping down the steps. She had changed into a nice ivory sweater and dark jeans from her sweatpants. She hugged her arms around herself and sat down on the couch.

"Thanks." I took a drag of my cigarette and blew the smoke towards the chimney.

"Cigarettes are bad for you," she said, nodding towards me.

"Oh Jesus not you too." I laughed and flicked my half burned cigarette into the fire. "There? Happy?"

"Very." She smiled.

"That's interesting coming from someone who's supposedly smoked pot."

"That's different. Cigarettes have all that bad shit in them. And it's not like I'm a pothead and do it all the time."

Now that's something I would love to see. I know Jasper brought some with him so I was hoping we could try it later.

"So what are you going to do here for four nights with nowhere to sneak off to?" I teased.

"I could ask you the same question." She narrowed her eyes at me before turning her attention to the fire.

Jasper and Alice stomped down the stairs, interrupting our conversation and asking us if we needed anything from the store. I jotted down a few things on their list before they headed into town to get us food and supplies for the long weekend.

Rose and Emmett came down to join us by the fire while we waited for them to get back. Rose and Bella fell into easy conversation while Emmett filled me in a little more on some new developments in their bike shop back in L.A. Apparently they'd just received a huge endorsement and thought it would bring them a lot of customers.

Two hours later Jasper and Alice pulled into the driveway and we all filed outside to help bring in all the groceries. In addition to the bags and bags of groceries there were also bags and bags of Christmas decorations. Alice got lights and garland and shiny shit and of course mistletoe. I remember when she was in high school she used to carry one around just so she had an excuse to kiss someone.

I took charge of cooking the burgers they'd got so I wouldn't be roped into decorating. I did have to stand outside to use the grill but it was worth it. I wasn't the jolliest motherfucker on the planet.

I watched them all through the window as they started stringing garland and lights all around. Bella almost looked as horrified by it all as I was. She turned towards me and rolled her eyes. I laughed a little under my breath and checked the burgers again.

When they were finished I piled them onto a plate, shut the grill off and walked inside. I guess between the five of them it didn't take long to Christmatize the Cullen cabin. I felt like I walked right into Santa's workshop from the North Pole.

Alice skipped into the room, carrying mistletoe. She held it over my head and kissed my cheek before skipping away to find her next victim.

I got out plates and condiments, along with some salad shit they got at the store.

"Smells good." Bella stepped into the kitchen and smiled. "Thanks for making it. You did leave me alone with the Christmas bunny but I'll forgive you as long as my burger is good."

"Please. My burgers are the best." I shrugged and started grabbing my plate.

We all ate dinner at the big dining room table. Rose and Emmett offered to clean up and do the dishes since I'd cooked and I happily agreed.

I walked out into the living room and found Bella sitting by the fire reading a book. I sat down on the couch and pulled my feet up.

"Can I help you?" She tried not to smile.

"Not really. Just watching." I strained to see what she was reading. I didn't recognize it but I guessed she got it from Esme's bookshelf in the corner. I didn't know what half of those books were.

"Am I really that entertaining?" She asked, not moving her eyes from the book.

"Very," I mumbled. Besides the fact that I did find her very entertaining she was also breathtakingly beautiful right now and I don't think I could pull myself away if I wanted to. The way the glow from the fire danced across her skin made her look so soft and so perfect I wanted to take a damn picture and keep it forever.

She ran her fingers through her hair and reached down to take a sip of her beer bottle that sat on the floor beside her. I watched as she brought it up to her mouth and poured the golden brew through her lips, wetting them slightly. I bit down on my lip and turned my eyes to the fire so she wouldn't know I was staring.

"Hey do you guys want to play a game?" Alice asked.

For some reason I looked towards Bella, almost like my decision hinged on hers. I was starting to become aware of just how much I oriented myself around her and I didn't really know what to think of it. It was something I did unconsciously and I guess I'd have to pay more attention.

Bella smiled at me and turned her eyes to Alice. "Sure. I'll play."

I nodded in agreement and jumped off the couch, following Alice and Bella into the kitchen. Everyone else was already seated around the table. I grabbed another round of beers for them and sat down.

"Okay the game is called Guess Who? Everyone gets a card, a marker and a piece of tape." Emmett started handing out all the items. "Without letting the person to your left see, write down the name of a person. They must be famous in some way and can be dead or alive. When you're done pass it to your left. When you receive a card tape it to your forehead without looking at it so the name of the person is out. Then you ask questions and try to figure out who you are."

I'd played this game a lot so I knew how it went. I leaned forward and tried to think of a good person to give to Bella. I smiled and scribbled down the name before handing it to her.

Rosalie handed me her card and I taped it to my forehead before taking a large swig of my beer.

"And just to make the game a little more interesting…" Jasper pulled out his bag of weed and rolled a joint. "Does anyone mind?" He looked around the table and everyone shook their heads.

"Okay I'll go first," I declared. "Am I alive?" They nodded. "Am I a chick?" They nodded and Emmett laughed. I loved sitting next to Rosalie. She always picked the same type of person and it really narrowed down my choices. "Do I have tattoos?" The joint had made its way to me so I took a long drag as they nodded their heads again. "Am I Kat Von D?" I smiled and turned towards Rosalie, blowing the smoke right in her face.

The group laughed and cheered, but Rosalie just scowled at me. I'm good.

"I'm sorry you're so predictable kitten. Maybe you should go for a little variety in life."

She rolled her eyes and flicked me off.

I turned towards Bella and narrowed my eyes at her. "Your turn." I was talking about the game, but I think a part of me was daring her to take the joint too. I was still curious as hell about her experience with that and to be honest I didn't believe her. And she surprised the fuck out of me when she smirked and took it from my fingers.

**Bella**

I took a long drag and tried to hold in my coughing. It'd been awhile and I guess I didn't have the most subtle reaction. I didn't have much of a choice. I knew exactly what he was doing when he turned to me. His eyes were daring me and with anyone else I would have just shrugged it off. I couldn't with him.

He looked shocked as hell when I actually went through with it, but once the initial surprise wore off his face fell into a lazy grin.

"Okay am I alive?" I asked, taking another drag and passing it to Alice. They all shook their heads except for Emmett.

"I don't know who that is." He shrugged. I guess that gave me a little more information, but it was Edward's name so I could never be sure of what his brain would spout out.

Rosalie sighed and leaned over, whispering something in his ear.

"Oh," he sighed. "Okay I'm good."

"Okay am I a guy?" I asked. They shook their heads again. "Am I a historical figure?" I assumed since I was dead it was more likely. They nodded. I took a few sips of my beer and started feeling the buzz of everything running through my body. "Was I royalty of some kind?" They nodded again. I narrowed my eyes at Edward and smiled. He smirked right back at me and took a drink. "Was I guillotined?"

"What does that mean?" Emmett asked. I didn't really think he was dumb per se; he just wasn't an…academic type of guy. I'm sure he could not only beat up all the intellectuals but also fix a motor before they could even figure out where the spark plug was.

Jasper ran his hand across his neck, almost like he was mimicking getting your head chopped off.

"Ouch."

"Am I Marie Antoinette?" I asked. They all cheered again and I took the card off my head. "Very clever," I said softly to Edward.

"Jeez Cullen you sure pulled that one out of your ass," Jasper said as the blunt made it second pass around. "Where the hell did you get that from?"

"Just a…random thought," Edward murmured. Random thought my ass. He knew I was doing my paper on her.

We continued around the table and had a few more beers before everyone started retiring to their rooms. I said a quick goodnight and started upstairs. I noticed there was mistletoe hanging above each of the bedroom doors and I laughed at Alice's Christmas spirit.

I stumbled up the second flight of stairs and finally made it up to my room. I quickly changed into my pajamas as I admired the painting over the bed. It was another one by "AM" and I really liked it. I tried to remind myself to look him up when we got back home but I figured I'd probably forget anyway. Maybe Edward could get me some paintings from him. I was never one to actually buy art but there was something raw about this that I liked. Maybe like the artist wasn't some stuck up art school prodigy. He was real.

I was just about to crawl into bed when I heard a knock at the door.

I skipped over to the door and pressed my ear against it, almost like I thought I'd be able to tell who it is that way. I guess I'd had a little more to drink than I originally planned to and it was affecting me.

"Who is it?" I half-whispered.

"It's Edward."

"What are you doing?"

"Christmas Caroling. Would you prefer "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" or "Silent Night?"

"Really?"

"No. Let me in."

I laughed and slowly opened the door. He stood already in his t-shirt and flannel pajama pants with a brown paper bag under his arm.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi." He ran his fingers through his hair and shifted his weight back and forth. "Sorry to bother you but….can I just come in for a minute?"

"Oh," I gasped. "Sure." I opened the door a little wider and stepped aside. He started inside and froze when he saw the painting.

"I didn't know they put that in here," he whispered, almost like he was just saying it to himself.

"Yeah. It's really beautiful. I love how it splatters down here." I leaned close to the painting and pointed. "It's almost like it's spray paint or something crazy like that."

"It is." Edward sat down in the chair and rested his head against his hand.

"Really?"

"Yeah. The artist started out doing graffiti around L.A. and just…transferred his style onto a different canvas I guess," he slurred.

"And he told you all this?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe I'll have you get me one from him sometime. I like it."

His eyes shifted to the paper bag under his arm. "Uh…I know this is a little weird since I haven't known you very long but I…I got you a Christmas gift." I smiled a little inside. "I just thought I'd give it to you now instead of on Christmas morning just because…I don't know." He laughed. "I'm sorry I'm really drunk and I didn't want to attempt to wrap it."

"It's okay." I reached out and took the brown bag from him. "Thank you." I reached inside the bag and realized instantly it was a book. As soon as I pulled it out my breath hitched in my throat. It was the book. The same one he ruined that day in the coffee shop. Except it was a much nicer edition and way more expensive. "Edward," I breathed. "This is….amazing. It's too much but it's beautiful. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I figured I should replace it since I fucked up your other one." He nodded. "Well I'll let you go to bed."

"Alone?" I asked. Did I just say that out loud? "Fuck," I whispered. "Sorry I didn't mean that I just…I'm used to…"

"I know," he laughed. "It's okay. Me too." He opened the door and started out.

"Oh wait! I have something for you too." I stumbled over to my bag and rummaged through for his gift.

"You didn't have to do that," he sighed.

"Well you didn't have to get me anything either," I teased. I finally found them and pulled them out. "Here. I didn't wrap them either."

He reached for the bag and smiled when he saw what was inside. "Decided to retire the hot pink?"

"Eh. I thought it was time for a change."

"Thanks. I appreciate it." He pulled on the hat and gloves. "How do I look?"

"You look good." I leaned against the wall and smiled. "Hey do you want to…hang out for a little bit? I mean you don't have to if you don't want to but I don't think I'm going to sleep yet."

"Sure." He stepped back inside and I did a little happy dance on the inside. I was finally starting to admit that I liked him. I had a crush on Alice's brother. It didn't mean anything would ever happen but I could still feel it. And I could still look at him. And hang out with him.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"Why don't you read me some of that book of yours?" He flopped down on the bed and rested his arms behind his head.

"I don't think you'll like it." I laid down beside him and grabbed the book.

"Try me." He smiled and turned towards me.

I sighed and opened to the first page. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a good wife…"

I read for what seemed like hours and he seemed like he was generally interested. Or maybe he was just really good at pretending but I could have sworn he was hanging on every word I said.

I found myself stealing glances at him and smiling. His eyes were slightly glazed over, his lips parted. It was the type of expression I could melt into and float away in. It made you feel like you're the only one he's ever looked at that way, like it was stored away and pulled out just for you.

I set the book down and turned towards him. "Tell me a secret."

"Like what?" He murmured.

I scooted closer to him. "Tell me your secret Edward."

He smiled and I knew he wasn't going to give in. "I'll tell you_ a_ secret." He lowered his voice. "When I was ten Alice dressed me up in girl clothes and makeup."

"Why?" I laughed.

"Because she was like eight and super annoying."

"Yeah. Hard to imagine huh?" I smiled and looked down at his lips. I inched forward, listening to his breathing. I'd told myself to leave it alone, that he didn't deserve to deal with all my baggage, but every time I was near him I felt pulled to him. Like gravity. I found myself wanting to reach out and touch his lips, just to see if they were as soft as they looked. Despite his hard exterior I always thought Edward was soft, warm. That's probably what caused that embarrassing display in the car earlier. I didn't even know I'd done it until I woke up on his shoulder.

"I should really get to bed. I'm starting to fall asleep." He rubbed his eyes and rolled over. I glanced up at the clock and realized it was after two in the morning.

"Sorry I kept you up so late," I said softly.

"It's okay, I'm assuming both of us are night owls or do a very good job of pretending to be." He laughed.

I fought the urge to ask him to sleep in here and watched him get off the bed. I followed him to the door and opened it. I stood there awkwardly, half in and half out of the room, swinging the door between my hands. He stepped out into the hallway and turned around. A slight movement above us caught our eye and we both looked up at the mistletoe dangling over my door.

"Mistletoe," I mumbled. I diverted my eyes to the floor and cleared my throat. He wouldn't kiss me. There was no one here to make sure he'd follow through with the rule so he had no reason to.

"Goodnight Bella." I felt him step closer to me and I held my breath. My eyes fluttered shut as he leaned down and pressed his lips against my cheek.

"Goodnight," I whispered as he walked away.

I watched him make his way down the stairs before I closed my door.

I tried to read some more of my book, but it was useless. My head was spinning and it had absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol from earlier. It was him. He left me completely intoxicated.

I leaned over and grabbed the pillow he'd been laying on. I pulled it close and smiled when I smelled the faintest scent of him; Peppermint and beer. My fingers lightly brushed over the fabric and started dancing along the hem of the pillow.

I eventually drifted off to sleep, drowning in the essence of him. And when I dreamt it wasn't the usual nightmares or darkness, it was light. There was a beautiful pair of eyes staring back at me. And they were green.

**A/N: Huge thank you to everyone who has favorited, alerted, recommened, reviewed and retweeted this story. It's so near and dear to my heart and it means a lot that you guys are connecting with the characters. That's honestly the most important thing to me as a writer, so I'm a happy girl.**

**Just a few announcements:**

**I have added a new banner to the blog so you should go check it out. It's pretteh : ) And if you aren't following the blog or checking out the Twilighted thread then you aren't getting all the lovely teasers I send out!**

**Again, if you're an author and would like to participate in my o/s contest please go to www . ossoundtrack . blogspot . com for details. I've had such a great response so far and it sounds like its going to be really fun!**

**Secondly I will be participating in the Fandom for Preemies and will be contributing an original one shot for the compilation. Make sure you check that out and buy yourself a compilation when it becomes available. It's going to benefit the March of Dimes, which is an amazing cause!**

**Lastly, I start school next week so I will most likely be updating around once a week give or take just to keep you guys in the know. **

**Thanks again guys, and if you have any friends that aren't reading, let them know its the perfect time to start. It's getting good : )  
**


	7. Turning Point

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

****Edward**

I lied. I fucking lied to her. I told her I was tired and I'm still wide-awake.

I held my breath the entire way down the stairs and didn't let it out until I closed my bedroom door behind me. The moose head above my bed rattled against the wall.

She was going to kiss me. And the worst part was that I almost let her. It's not that I don't like her that way because it's becoming pretty obvious that I do but it would never work. I truly believed in what I told Alice at the coffee shop. I'm flawed somehow. It might not be permanent and it might just be some weird freaky thing I'm going through, but it was still extra shit to deal with. I wouldn't want to put her through that.

We spent the next day pretty much the same way, lounging around during the day and drinking at night. I avoided going to Bella's room again, even though I really fucking wanted to.

Carlisle and Esme arrived early the next morning, Christmas Eve. They were having a small party that night, mostly with some of my dad's acquaintances out in this area. Thank God I had some friends here or I would most likely keel over from boredom. All they talked about was hospital shit and even though I thought it was great that my dad saved people's lives and was Captain Awesome I didn't want to hear it about it for hours on end.

"Dad let me help you with the bags." I smiled as him and my mom stepped inside the cabin, his arms full. I took a few things and carried them up to their room.

Everyone was gathered around the front door saying hello when I stepped back down the stairs.

"Hey you guys remember Bella right?" Alice said, pulling Bella next to her. Carlisle and Esme smiled and gave her a small hug.

"You remember me right Mom?" I smiled and continued down the steps.

"Of course I remember my baby boy." Esme stepped forward and took me in her arms. I visited my parents occasionally, but my mom still didn't think it was enough. It was hard when you lived so far away. Things get busy.

"How are ya Mom?" I squeezed her tighter, enjoying the feeling of her again. I know everyone said this but my mother was the warmest, kindest person I've ever known. She made me feel better just by being around. She was just that kind of person.

"Dad." I pulled back and finally properly shook his hand.

"Edward. How'd the move go?" He smiled.

"Good. I'm liking New York so far." My eyes drifted to Bella for the slightest moment. "How's work?"

"Good. We're adding a new wing to the hospital so I've been busy consulting on that."

Carlisle was one of the most trusted doctors in my hometown and people always seemed to ask him for his advice, even if it was beyond his specialties. He was a great doctor, I'll admit that. Always had a good bedside manner but didn't sugarcoat shit either. I hated when doctors did that. I'd rather them just give it to me straight than give me some false hope about something that'll never happen.

Once they got settled, my mom sent all the boys into town to get some more supplies for tonight. It wasn't supposed to be a huge group, but these people could eat and drink their weight. I've seen it. And once the booze starts flowing so do the horrendous doctor jokes. I always had to pretend to laugh so I didn't look like a dick but they were so bad.

"So…" Carlisle glanced over at me as we pulled out onto the main road. "Bella seems nice."

"Oh Christ not you too," I sighed and shook my head. Emmett and Jasper laughed from the backseat.

"What? She's a nice girl."

"Yes she is," I said.

"You could use some nice in your life Edward. Maybe finally settle down. Start a family."

"You're just as bad as Alice. And why does everyone consider marriage and a kid to be settling down? I don't want to ever settle for anything."

"You know you could still go to medical school."

"Dad don't even start with that. Please." I sighed and turned to look out the window.

"Fine." He smiled. "Did you see your mother put your friend's painting up in the loft?"

"Yeah," I mumbled without even thinking.

"Did you now?" Jasper asked. I stared at him in the rearview window as he raised his eyebrows at me. "When were you in there?"

"None of your fucking business," I snapped. I kind of forgot they were in the car. Of course they knew Bella was staying up there. And now they thought we were sneaking around or some shit.

The rest of the trip we focused on the party. My dad told us about a few of the people coming. I hadn't met any of them since I hadn't been out here. I'd only ever visited with their friends back home but I'm sure it was the same type of people.

We took our time at the grocery store picking up everything on Esme's list as well as some extra things for ourselves. Carlisle paid for everything and we headed back.

I grabbed an armful of groceries and started towards the kitchen where the girls were already working on some finger foods.

"Edward was quite an interesting child," Esme laughed. Bella smiled and kept working on mixing something in a large bowl. "In fact I'm pretty sure I have a baby album somewhere around this cabin."

"No Mom." I sighed and set the bags down on the counter.

"Edward you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a very adorable baby."

"I don't think Bella's interested in seeing naked pictures of me in the bathtub."

"He had the cutest little butt…" Esme started.

"Mom!" I ran my fingers through my hair and groaned. This was fucking embarrassing.

"I wanna see it!" Rosalie shouted from the kitchen table. Alice rolled her eyes and kept arranging some crackers on a plate.

"Me too," Bella admitted.

"I think it's out in the living room." Esme grinned and wiped her hands off on the towel. The girls all followed her into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"What are they doing?" Carlisle asked, eyeing them as they crossed the room.

"Apparently it's humiliate Edward day," I mumbled.

"Just showing some baby pictures…" Esme poked around on her bookshelf and pulled out a large photo album. The girls all sat down on the couch, crowded around Esme and baby Edward. I told myself to leave to save myself some embarrassment, but I stayed anyway.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen." Esme sighed and opened it up to the first page. I leaned up against the wall and crossed my arms in front of me.

They all squealed and laughed every time she flipped another page and occasionally glanced up at me.

"Look at his little bubble butt," Rose laughed. "Good thing it flattened out a little or people would start using it as a shelf."

"I think I have a nice ass." I tried to look at it, but as it turns out it is in fact very difficult to look at your own butt without a mirror.

After they were finished taking a trip down memory lane they went back to the kitchen. I was planning on offering to help before they made fun of me and my bubble butt. Jasper and Emmett got roped into it but I refused. I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything; I was just refusing on principle.

I went upstairs to my room and took a nap. When I woke up it was almost five and I figured I should shower and start getting ready. The party started in a few hours and I'm sure I'd have to help set up and greet our guests.

After I was fresh and clean I dabbed on some cologne and threw on my jacket and tie. My mother insisted I dress up for the evening but I still hated it. I was really a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy so this really wasn't my scene.

I opened my door the same time Jasper opened his. He stepped out in a nice shirt and pants and quickly closed the door behind him.

"Are the girls already downstairs?" I really meant is Bella already downstairs but that's not what came out of my mouth.

"No they're all getting ready in our room. I had to get out of there. It was like chick central. With their curling irons and makeup and billy pins."

"Bobby pins."

"Whatever. Let's go drink." He patted my shoulder and we went downstairs. Emmett was already standing by the fireplace with Carlisle sipping on a drink. Jasper and I headed into the kitchen to get our own. Esme flagged us down to take some plates out into the living room. They had a nice table set up for all the munchies they were having so we set them down there and went back to the kitchen.

"What do you want?" I asked, looking through the alcohol selection.

"Scotch."

"You're such an old man Jazz." I shook my head and poured him a glass. I took a glass of whiskey for myself before we went out to join Carlisle and Emmett.

The doorbell started ringing eventually and I put on my game face, which is really just my "don't look like an asshole in front of your parent's friends" face.

Carlisle introduced me to everyone as they walked in, but I only remembered an intern named Garrett because he actually stayed to talk to me for a minute.

"Okay everyone!" Alice said. "We have arrived, you can start the party!" I turned towards her voice a moment before she threw her arms around me. I laughed and hugged her back. "Doesn't Bella look beautiful?" She whispered.

I released her and looked around. I didn't even see her. "I don't know where is she?"

"Isabella get your cute butt down here!" She called up the stairs.

"Hold on Miss Impatient!" Bella yelled.

I started to take a sip of my drink as a long bare leg stepped down onto the stairs. I inhaled quickly and started choking on my drink as Bella continued down the stairs. She wore a tight red dress, cut way above her knees and so tight to her body that it hugged her curves in all the right places. It had a high neck, which I never thought I'd like, but I did. I liked it a lot.

I turned back to Garrett and smiled, trying to brush off the embarrassing display.

"Hi," Bella said, stepping beside me.

"Hi." I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. "Bella this is Garrett. Garrett, Bella. My sister's roommate." I instinctively put my hand on the small of her back as I introduced her. I felt bare skin. I discreetly leaned back and looked. Her dress was completely backless. Fuck.

I told myself to let go of her but I couldn't. I almost felt possessive of her with all these men around because I could tell that she affected most of them like she affected me. They were all staring at her.

I downed the rest of my glass and listened as Bella and Garrett made small talk. There was something different about her tonight. She was still her snarky, sweet self but she didn't seem quite as uptight.

We made our way around the room and I introduced her to everyone, keeping my arm around her. I wanted them to know she was with me, even though she really wasn't. Details.

"How about you make me a drink?" Bella whispered, fingering my tie.

"Okay," I mumbled.

She turned and started towards the kitchen and I'll be damned if she wasn't swaying her damn hips. It'll be a Christmas miracle if this girl doesn't kill me.

**Bella**

I can't believe I started drinking with the girls before the party even started. I knew it was either going to end in me puking or doing something really embarrassing. And I was going to go with the latter.

I was already buzzed when I put my dress on. "Do you think Edward will like it?" I mumbled, not even thinking about what I'd said.

"Do you want Edward to like it?" Alice raised her eyebrows at me.

"Fuck," I whispered.

"You're caught Bella. Don't think you can deny it anymore. We know." Rosalie shrugged and kept applying her makeup.

"Is it really that obvious?" I sat down on the bed.

"Yes," they both answered.

"Bella you two obviously like each other so what's the hold up?" Alice started playing with my hair as I took another drink.

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, and he doesn't know, what's there to know? Just go for it."

"I'm not the one to typically go for it in situations like this."

"Well just test the waters then. You don't have to say I love you tonight or anything," Rosalie teased.

"Okay _Alice_."

"What? I don't promote behavior like that," Alice said defensively.

"Lies!" I said, throwing my hands up. "I'm pretty sure you already have our wedding planned out."

"Do not," Alice said softly.

Rosalie and I started laughing and the conversation was effectively dropped, which I was thankful for. I was just starting to work out this whole thing with Edward and myself and to be honest it wasn't very worked out. Maybe I would take Rosalie's advice and just test out the waters tonight.

"Let's go." Alice scooted out of the bedroom and headed downstairs.

"Hey," Rose said softly. She stepped next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. "You know we're just teasing right? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and I'm not trying to force you to."

"I know. Do you really think though?" I asked, referring to Edward and me.

"I do. I see the way you act when you're around each other. It's like you…gravitate to one another without even knowing it. That's got to mean something right?"

I shrugged as she kissed my head and left the room.

I smoothed my big Hollywood curls out against my shoulder and took a deep breath. "Test the waters," I told myself.

"Isabella get your cute butt out here!" Alice yelled.

"Hold on Miss Impatient!" I checked myself out one last time before I stepped out. I started down the stairs and searched the room for Alice or Edward. I was happy when I spotted them both together talking to some young guy.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," Edward mumbled.

He introduced me to the man, placing his hand at my back. I shivered a little at the contact with my bare skin but tried not to let my reaction take over.

Alice eventually left us and Edward carted me around the room to meet everyone. It wasn't as boring as I thought it was going to be, but it also wasn't that exciting.

"How about you make me a drink?" I asked, starting to feel my buzz fade.

"Okay."

I smiled and started towards the kitchen. It was completely empty except for the bottles of alcohol lined up by the bar. I pulled myself up onto the counter, staying very conscious of my short dress, and waited. Edward eventually sauntered in, a lazy grin on his face.

"So what'll it be?" He asked, stepping in front of me so close that his stomach brushed against my leg.

"What are you having?"

"Whiskey."

"I'll have that."

He smiled and started making my drink. He made another for himself as well.

"Take a shot with me," I said.

"Are you sure?" He laughed and shook his head.

"Yep. Give it to me."

He grabbed two shot glasses and poured the liquid in both. He handed one to me and raised his in a toast.

"Merry Christmas," he mumbled.

"Merry Christmas."

We both threw the shots back and I winced at the intense burn in my chest.

Edward set his shot glass down beside me and rested his hand on the counter, trapping me between. I didn't really feel trapped though. I felt…safe.

"So. What do you think of the party?" He asked, taking a sip of his drink.

"It's nice."

"Bullshit," he laughed. "It's boring."

"Not anymore." I smiled and diverted my eyes to the floor.

"Why not?"

"Because I like hanging out with you. You make it…not boring."

"So I should put that on my resume? I make it not boring?"

"Definitely." I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, not liking how it was so done up. It wasn't that it looked bad, I don't think Edward could ever look bad, but it just didn't seem like him. "That's better."

He closed his eyes and inched forward a little, almost between my knees. I bit down on my lip and let my hands fall to his shoulders.

"Tell me a secret," he whispered, echoing my words from the other night.

I pushed myself off the counter and wedged myself next to him. I smiled and perked up on my tiptoes. "I think you have a nice ass too," I whispered into his ear. I stepped to the side and walked away.

I went into the living room and started talking to Carlisle and that intern Garrett. He seemed like a nice guy.

"Hello husband," Esme said, wrapping her arms around Carlisle's waist.

"Hello wife. Would you do me the honor?" He grabbed her hands and twirled her around. They danced away from us and Garrett and I talked a little about his internship.

"Is it just like Grey's Anatomy?" Alice jumped in.

"What do you mean?"

"Like sex in the closets, crazy patients and the surprise wives?"

"No. Not the surprise wives anyway." Garrett smirked and took a sip of his drink.

I felt Edward step beside me and place his hand on my back again.

"Will you dance with me?" He whispered.

I tensed for the slightest moment because I don't really do this type of dancing, but I figured it wouldn't be so bad with him. I could suffer through it.

"Okay."

He pulled me away from the crowd and towards an improvised dance floor. Carlisle, Esme and a few other couples were dancing over by the fireplace. I stumbled over my feet a little, a consequence of the alcohol, my nervousness or my clumsiness. Honestly it was probably a combination of the three.

Edward grabbed onto both of my hands and guided them up around his neck before he took my waist and pulled me close. I instantly relaxed and felt my body melt against him.

"You want to know another secret?" I whispered. He nodded. "I don't dance like this….ever." I laughed a little under my breath and pressed my body into his.

"Really? No old boyfriends danced with you like this at school dances?"

"I never really went to school dances."

"And the old boyfriends?"

"Non-existent." I shrugged. I was lying through my teeth and I think it was the only time he believed me. "I mean I'm not saying I've never dated, but I never met anyone worth the risk of being in an actual relationship."

"Wow," he breathed.

"What?"

"It's just hard to believe the guys weren't chasing after you. I probably would have been all over you." His grip tightened around my waist.

"I was a different person back then," I murmured.

"How so?"

"I don't know. I guess just naïve to the evils of the world. I was so innocent…untainted you know? I had this whole nerdy ideal of the world and of love and it just…isn't like that. I thought I was waiting for something…beautiful. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I wasn't ever going to find it."

"I think you'll find it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think it's impossible for someone like you not to find love."

"I don't think finding it is the problem. I think it's keeping it once they figure out the real you."

"And you don't like the real you?"

"I'm….flawed."

He cringed at my words and shook his head. "Bella you aren't flawed."

"You don't even really know me Edward."

"I do. I know you better than you think."

We both fell silent and swayed slowly to the music. Everyone else had stopped dancing and gathered around in small groups talking.

I sighed and rested my head on his chest as he spun me around. I smiled a little through my drunken haze when I felt his heart beating against his chest. His hands roamed around my back, gently caressing and dancing across my skin. He brushed my hair off to one side and pressed a soft kiss on my bare neck. I started running my fingers through his hair, enjoying the little moans that escaped his lips when I hit the right spot. They were just loud enough for me to hear, only me.

I turned my head a little and pressed my forehead into his chest. He smelled just like his pillow did, except now it was liquor instead of beer.

I didn't realize we were backing up until the music faded away. We were alone in the hallway leading down to Carlisle's office.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

"I just want to be alone with you," Edward said softly. He pressed his lips against my skin again before ghosting his nose up my neck and along my jaw line. When he returned to my neck it was different. His lips weren't just casually touching my skin, they were hungry for it. This was really happening. We'd gone from testing the waters to jumping right in and I didn't have the will power to back away.

He kissed up my neck and to my ear, where he nuzzled into my hair and laughed. "You smell good."

"It's strawberry shampoo."

He smiled and lightly grabbed onto my chin. He tilted it up towards him and I panicked. He was going to kiss me and I wanted him too. I'd wanted to the other night before he panicked on me and now I was the one running.

In that moment I realized how drunk I really was. I couldn't feel my face. I didn't want him to kiss me if I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything but nauseous right now.

"Edward I think I need to go to bed, I don't feel very well."

"Okay." He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. "Let's get you to bed."

I stumbled down the hallway and started towards the stairs. As soon as I looked up my legs started to shake. This was not going to go well.

"I don't think…" I started.

"Tie this around your waist," Edward said. I turned around and found him holding out his jacket. I reached for it and missed twice before he just did it for me. "I'm going to pick you up okay?"

I nodded and felt him swoop under my legs. My dress rode up almost to my hips and I understood the reason for the jacket. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me up the stairs, Alice following close behind. He passed his room and went up the second staircase to mine.

He walked inside and laid me down on my bed.

"Can you get her changed into pajamas please? I didn't want to…you know," Edward mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. He stepped aside and started towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked. I didn't want him to leave.

"I'll be right back."

"Okay." I laid back and watched Alice bustle around my room finding me something to wear. "Alice no tank tops! I don't want him to see….I don't want him to see it." I closed my eyes and pulled my hair back from my face.

"He won't see your scar sweetie I promise." She sat down beside me and helped me into some pajamas, a long sleeved t-shirt and flannel pants. "Here let's pull your hair back in case you get sick okay?" She grabbed a hair tie and pulled my hair into a loose ponytail at the nape of my neck.

"I wish I would, maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty…" I turned onto my side and pulled myself up into the fetal position.

Someone knocked on the door a few minutes later and Alice told them to come in.

"Hey how is she?" Edward asked.

"Could be better," Alice laughed and started rubbing my back.

"I'll stay Alice. You can go back to the party."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Go. I didn't want to be there anyway."

"Okay." Alice got up and kissed my cheek. "Feel better."

"Edward?" I called.

"Yeah?"

"I want…I want you to come sit with me." I reached out blindly for him and came up with nothing. I was going to regret all this free speech tomorrow, if I even remembered it. I reached out again and felt his hand slip into mine. I smiled and nuzzled into my pillow.

"I brought you a water bottle and some Tylenol." He handed me something and told me to sit up. I gulped down the medicine and saw he also placed a trashcan beside my bed before I laid back down.

"Will you stay with me?" I whispered.

"Yeah." He stood up and started unbuttoning his shirt. He shrugged it off his shoulders and set it on the chair before discarding his pants as well. I blushed a little at the sight of him in his boxers.

He walked around the other side of the bed and crawled under the covers with me. I dozed in and out of sleep for the next few minutes, hanging right between in limbo.

"Bella?" He said softly.

"Mmm?"

"Can I hold you?"

I nodded and felt his arms wrap around me. He pressed his lips to my neck and snuggled close to me.

I listened to his breathing, knowing instantly when he was asleep. When I was sure I carefully turned myself around so I could see him. I traced my finger along the planes of his face and up through his hair.

"Can you hold me forever?" I whispered.

He pulled me closer, almost answering my question while he slept.

I kissed his bare chest and closed my eyes, willing sleep to take me away. And it did.

* * *

**A/N: Just a reminder, I know this story has been fairly "fluffy" so far but it will eventually deal with some tough stuff. **

**Just a few announcements. This will probably be my only update for about a week. I started school, feel like I'm getting sick, have plans this weekend, and am slowly losing my chapter cushion I like to have because I've been so busy. **

**If you haven't signed up for my o/s contest yet what are you waiting for? Even if you're new to writing, it's a great one to start off with. Get the deets here www . ossoundtrack . blogspot . com**

**Also just as a little side note, I will be hosting the Twitter readalong on November 5 and we will be reading Welcome to Paradise by the lovely Suzie55 so mark your calenders. **

**And I think that's all I had to say except for thank you guys again! You are some of the most amazing and supportive people out there and I really appreciate everything you do for me as an author : ) *tackle hugs* to all of you.**

**Review Poll: So the dum dums just keep missing their opportunities to finally seal it with a kiss! We all know they want it, they know they want it, when do you think they'll finally get it together and just do it already?  
**


	8. In Awe

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Bella**

I knew I was smiling before I even opened my eyes. He was still here.

I slowly inched my eyes open and saw his bare stomach beneath me. He wasn't one of those guys who were super built, but he was…defined. I liked it that way.

I snuggled closer and started tracing circles on his stomach while he slept, just enjoying the feeling of his skin. I thought I'd be more mortified about what happened last night but I wasn't. I still didn't know what it meant but I was okay with it. It was definitely a turning point of some kind, even if I wasn't sure how big or small it was. It was something.

"That tickles," he mumbled. He started squirming but I didn't stop. "So that's how it's going to be huh?" He laughed and instantly flipped me onto my back. He moved to hover above me and straddle my waist so he was pinning me to the bed. He started tickling my ribs as I kicked frantically to get away from him.

"Stop! I can't breathe!" I laughed and tried to catch my breath but his fingers were still poking around my ribs.

He finally stopped, but refused to move. His eyes were fixed on my stomach, where my shirt had ridden up a little exposing the skin there.

"Merry Christmas," I whispered.

He reached out and ran his finger along my waist, eventually stopping at my hipbones. He started making soft circles across my skin and laughed a little under his breath. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas!" Alice screamed, bursting through my door without so much as a knock. Edward frantically jumped off me and the bed, clearing his throat in the process. "What are you two doing?" Alice wagged her eyebrow at us and I just shrugged.

"Nothing," I said.

"Nothing huh?" She crossed her arms in front of her as Edward brushed by, mumbling something about making some coffee. "Regardless, it's Christmas. Get up, we're opening presents!" She skipped out of the room, leaving me alone.

I sighed and shuffled out of the bed. It was only eight. I feel like it should be illegal to be that chipper this early, regardless if it was Christmas or not. Alice was guilty as charged.

I stumbled down the stairs into a crowded living room. They all murmured a 'Good Morning' and 'Merry Christmas.' I sat down over by the fireplace and pulled my knees up to my chest. Edward sauntered into the room with two coffee cups and sat down beside me. He handed me one and I smiled.

"Thank you." I took a sip and was surprised to find it exactly how I liked it. More sugar than milk. I didn't even remember telling him that.

"Thanks for bringing some for everyone Edward," Jasper teased.

"Fuck off," Edward snapped before smiling at him.

Alice took the liberty of passing out all the gifts. I decided to just go for it and give everyone their presents. I felt very generous and I didn't care if they got me anything in return. They did of course. Alice bought me a new watch, Emmett and Rose got me a stuffed plush racecar and Jasper gave me an Itunes gift card. Carlisle and Esme even surprised me with a beautiful framed picture of Alice and I, even though I insisted that allowing me to stay here and spend Christmas with them was enough. It was just too hard to fly home for every holiday and plus my parents were out in Arizona visiting my grandparents. The Cullens were almost like my second family for the time being.

Esme made us all breakfast and we just hung around for most of the day. I waited until it was late enough with the time difference before I called my parents.

"Hello?" Renee answered.

"Merry Christmas Mom."

"Merry Christmas honey. We sent a package for you did you get it?"

"I don't know. I'm actually at the Cullen's cabin."

"Oh that's nice of them. How's Alice and everyone else?"

I paced around my room, twirling my fingers in my hair as I spoke. "She's good. Her…brother is staying with us for a little bit. He just moved to New York City."

"I didn't even know she had a brother. I'm sure he's lovely."

"Yeah," I stammered.

"Hold on Dad wants to talk to you." I heard some commotion on the other end of the line before I heard Charlie's voice.

"Bells?"

"Hey Dad. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. Is everything going okay? Are you doing alright? Not too busy I hope?"

"I'm fine Dad." He was always a little overprotective and nosy with me. He always wanted to know what I was doing, who I was doing it with, my schedule, even what I ate. I guess he had some reason to be, but it was exhausting.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said shortly.

"Okay. Grandpa wants to talk to you."

I tapped my foot anxiously as I waited to be passed around. "Shortcake?"

"Hey Grandpa." I smiled. My grandpa was one of the most embarrassing people in the world but he always made me smile. He was loud and honest and a complete buffoon, in a good way.

"Now Bella your mother tells me you're living with a boy."

"Just for a little bit."

"Tell him to be a gentlemen or I'll wheel myself across the country and kick his scrawny ass."

"Okay Grandpa I'll pass the message along. How's Grandma doing?"

"She's doing okay."

I winced a little on the inside. My grandmother wasn't in the best of health, which is part of the reason they went out there for Christmas. They didn't want her to do any unnecessary traveling. She was way too weak.

"Well, tell her I said hello and that I miss her."

"Will do honey. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll talk to you soon." I hung up the phone and threw it down on my bed. I really should save up my money and go see them. I don't do it enough. They always say you don't appreciate how special the time with your grandparents is until it's too late and I understood it now.

Two days later we were on our way back to New York City and Alice was planning an elaborate outing for New Years. I honestly wasn't feeling up to it and told her I'd probably just stay in and order takeout. She completely ignored me, probably thinking she'd con me into getting her way. I know it's my first New York New Years but I honestly wasn't very interested in feeling claustrophobic and being surrounded by irritating drunks with noisemakers. It was just a bad combination and I'd probably end up punching someone by the end of the night.

New Year's Eve rolled around and Alice was still convinced I was going out with them. She even roped Edward into trying to convince me but I wouldn't budge. I didn't want to do it.

"I don't…I don't want to go if you aren't going," he mumbled, running his fingers through his hair.

"Edward you should go. Have some fun. I'm way too lame to waste your New Year's on." I laughed and started puling out all my takeout.

"Bella…"

"Stop bitching. You're going to go and you're going to drink and have a blast. Don't worry about me. I'm okay being by myself."

"You know one of these days you're going to need to stop hiding," he whispered. He lingered for a moment before stepping aside and walking out into the hallway.

"Are you sure?" Alice said as the rest of them started out the door. I smiled and twirled my fork around my Thai take out.

"Yes. Go and have fun. I'll be here when you get back."

She waved a sad goodbye and started to close the door behind her. I caught a glimpse of Edward before it snapped shut. He was staring at me, a conflicted look in his eyes. I almost wished he would stay with me but I wouldn't ask him to do that. This was his first New York New Year's too.

I turned on the television and watched the MTV special for a while before changing to the Dick Clark show. Ryan Seacrest was jabbering on about something and I zoned out.

Edward had been staying in my room since we got back. Everyone just kind of acted like it was the norm, but I knew in my gut that it shouldn't be the norm. It wasn't like I didn't want him staying with me, but the fact that we just fell into that routine scared me because I had no idea where this was going. He was a little more relaxed about touching me or holding me but that was all it ever was. We hadn't even kissed yet. I thought for sure after the Christmas party that he would try again but he hadn't yet. Maybe this wasn't what I thought it was.

I shuffled to the kitchen and grabbed myself a bottle of wine before returning to the couch. I downed the rest of my takeout and watched everyone gearing up for the ball drop. They showed the crowd down at Times Square a few times and even though I knew it was impossible I still looked for them.

I started feeling flushed more and more as midnight approached, probably from the few glasses of wine I'd consumed.

I sat down my glass and walked over to open a window. I struggled to get it open and crawled out onto the shitty balcony we had out here. It wasn't glamorous but I was hot as hell and the crisp night air was just what I needed. I laughed at the few partygoers passing in the street below me. They shouted and laughed with each other and I was all alone. I'm such an idiot. _Why didn't I go with them?_

A few flurries of snow started to fall around me and I snuggled into my sweater. I could hear the countdown starting on my television and I turned around just in time to see the ball start to drop through the window. _Happy New Year Bella._

I leaned against the brick of the building, almost able to hear everyone shouting in the distance. I tried to imagine all of them hanging out down in Times Square drinking and having fun. For the slightest moment I was sad that I wasn't there.

I jumped as the front door flew open and Edward ran inside, completely out of breath. He looked around the room and started towards my room.

"Edward?" I called. His eyes snapped in my direction and he came towards me. He crawled outside of the window and stood beside me on the balcony. "What are you doing?" I couldn't understand why he was here and not there.

I glanced behind him when he didn't answer and saw the countdown end. Everyone started cheering and kissing the person beside them.

"Happy New Year," I mumbled, fidgeting anxiously with the sleeve of my sweater.

He stepped a little closer to me, his breath still ragged. "Happy New Year," he whispered. He grabbed hold of my chin and tilted it up, forcing my eyes to his. I gasped when he leaned forward and brushed his lips across mine. It was so soft, so delicate. He pressed his forehead to mine and laughed. "And I'm here because I didn't want anyone else to be my New Year's kiss except for you." He hummed and closed his eyes as he pressed his lips to mine again.

I smiled against his lips and snaked my arms around his neck, holding his face to mine. I didn't want him to pull away and I made sure that he didn't. I didn't feel any resistance. He grasped my waist tightly and pulled my body flush with his. His fingers traced down to my thighs. He gripped them, enveloping them in his lengthy fingers, and pulled them up around his waist. My fingers gently caressed his cheeks as I took his bottom lip between my teeth, gently sucking and nibbling. He tasted fantastic, just like I always thought he would. I've been thinking about this moment for the past couple of days and it wasn't really like I expected. It was so much better.

**Edward**

I couldn't explain this feeling in my chest. In my whole fucking body. I've never felt so…warm than when I'm around her. It was becoming my addiction.

I begged her to come out with us, and not because Alice asked me to. I was a selfish fucker and I wanted her around for my own reasons but she adamantly denied. Besides that she refused to let me stay with her. She just munched on her noodles, looking cute as hell, and told me to go.

Even as the door was closing to the apartment I wasn't sure I was going to go with them. But Alice pulled me along and I quickly shook myself out of my funk.

We ended up at a bar for a little bit, but it was crowded as hell. It wasn't like any other place would be any different but I felt like I couldn't breathe. And plus this red headed chick had latched onto me for some reason, following me around like a little lap dog. I think she said her name was Tanya or something, who the fuck knows. If she thought she was getting anything from me she was more drunk than I thought she was.

"So Edward?" She purred, caressing my arm. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Not officially but I've got a thing for brunettes." I smiled and hoped she'd get the hint. She didn't. Apparently, she just caught the no girlfriend statement. I drank just to avoid having to consciously deal with her or being a complete dick.

We eventually left the bar and started towards Times Square. I told Alice we wouldn't be able to get close but she insisted and everyone else agreed. I guess I was outnumbered. I looked around watching everyone as we waited for the countdown to start. We still had about a half hour or so but I could already see people pairing up. I was never one to get excited about the prospect of a New Year's kiss, but it was pretty evident that Tanya thought she was going to be it. She wrapped her arm around mine as I shoved my hands lazily in my pockets.

"Christ," I muttered under my breath. "What the fuck am I doing?" I sighed started tapping my foot. This is ridiculous. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be with this person who smells like perfume and vomit. I don't want to stand here and watch people making out in front of me. In that moment I knew exactly where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be with, and what I wanted to be doing.

I shook Tanya from my arm and took a step away from her.

"Edward?" Alice asked, tearing her attention away from Jasper. "What are you doing?"

"I…I have to go."

She smiled and nodded. "Good boy."

I turned around and started running, trying desperately to find a cab. There was none. They were all full. I glanced down at my watch and cursed. I needed to get there before midnight. I can't miss this.

I finally spotted a cab pulling over and letting someone out. I breathed a sigh of relief and ran to it just as some other guy did. He reached it a moment before I did.

"Sorry buddy," he laughed.

"Please. It's an emergency. I'll pay you." I pulled out my wallet and rifled through my cash. "I'll pay you forty bucks for the cab." I held out two twenties and prayed like hell that he'd take it.

"It's yours." He stepped out and took the money from my hands.

"Thank you." I hopped inside and told the cabbie the address. "Sir I know you probably hear this all the time but I'm in a hurry."

"Yeah I've heard it before," he laughed. He took off, driving through the crowded streets. My fingers tapped anxiously on my knees as I watched the minutes tick by.

He zoomed around a few corners and I knew we were getting close. Or at least semi-close.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I yelled as I spotted the traffic jam up ahead. He slowed the cab until we were at a complete stop.

"It's New Year's Eve man, what the hell do you expect?"

I groaned and looked at the meter. "Here I'll just get out." I threw more than enough money at him and sprinted out of the cab. I think I'm only a few blocks away and I only had a few minutes.

I felt the burn in my lungs and for the first time I cursed my cigarettes to hell. I finally reached the building and waved a quick hello to Dale or David as I ran up the stairs. I fumbled a little with my key and threw the door open. The living room was completely empty. Where is she?

I started in the apartment and assumed she was in her room or something. I stopped when she called my name from out on the balcony, a confused look on her face. I stumbled over the furniture and crawled out the window so I was standing beside her. I've been waiting for a long time to do this and now I was scared. It didn't mean I wasn't going to do it, but I was scared nonetheless.

I barely registered the countdown starting as I tried to catch my breath. Even if I hadn't just ran five fucking blocks and up four flights of stairs I still wouldn't be able to breathe. She did that to me and if that was the sacrifice I had to make to be around her I'd do it. She could have every last breath I had if she wanted it.

"Happy New Year," she mumbled.

"Happy New Year." I took a deep breath and just fucking went for it. I kissed her. And it was amazing. She tasted sweeter than I ever could have imagined and it was all I wanted. I wanted her.

I pulled her legs up around my waist and pressed her against the cold brick.

"I'm sorry I'm late…" I mumbled against her lips.

"What do you mean? You made it before midnight."

I shook my head and pulled away. "No I mean…I should have kissed you a long time ago and I'm sorry. I was just…."

"Scared?"

"Yeah."

"Me too." She smiled and captured my mouth in hers again. She wrapped her legs tighter around my waist and ran her fingers through my hair. I moaned into her mouth, loving the feeling of her. I felt like I was on fire, every nerve a live wire. My entire body was buzzing and I could feel her all the way from the top of my head to the tips of my fucking toes. It was so damn good.

I gently caressed her bottom lip with my tongue, asking her to let me inside. She whimpered and parted her lips. My tongue danced with hers, drinking in her flavor.

"You are so beautiful." I trailed wet kisses along her jaw and down her neck. I fingered along the collar of her sweater and started pulling it down a little so I could kiss her shoulder. I felt her tense beneath me and I instantly stopped, wondering if I was doing something wrong.

"Sorry," she stuttered. She closed her eyes and laid her head back against the building. "I'm sorry." She leaned forward and pressed her lips quickly to mine.

"It's okay," I smiled and decided to forgo the exploration. I didn't want to push it and I still had no idea the types of things she was working through. I don't ever want to make her feel uncomfortable like that even though I had no idea what I did. She was obviously okay with kissing so we'll just stick to that for now. I wasn't in a rush and I already figured out I loved kissing her.

She pulled back and smiled a little as she ran her fingers through my hair again. She tried to hold back a yawn, but wasn't very successful.

"Tired?" I asked.

"Just a little. I had some wine and it always makes me tired." She shrugged and yawned again.

"Well let's go to bed."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I stumbled a little and carried her inside and to her room, shutting off the television and lights along the way. I set her down on the edge of the bed and left to piss. When I came back she was already in her pajamas and snuggled up in the bed.

I crawled in beside her and pulled her close. She was already half asleep and I was wide-awake. I felt…inspired. I felt like my entire body was pulling me in different directions. I saw lines and shapes floating through my head, exploding into bursts of color that I've never seen. It was like everything was new again. I was new again.

I waited until she was asleep before I slipped out of the bed. I packed up my things and threw my bag over my shoulder. I crept back into Bella's room and kissed her while she slept before I left the apartment.

I walked to my new space, finally ready to start working there. Since I'd rented it I'd bought all the items I'd wanted, even a small futon just in case I got too tired and wanted to sleep. There was a ton of new supplies for me and I got right to work. I had to get all of this out before I spontaneously combusted.

I worked for a few hours until my eyes started to hurt from being awake. I didn't want to admit that I was exhausted. I wanted to keep working. Any other night I would have just stayed on the futon, but not tonight. I wanted to sleep with Bella and be there when she woke up in the morning.

I set my work aside to dry and started home, smiling to myself. I passed by the normal people I usually saw out at night and started down another alley. The soft sounds of music coming from above caught my attention. I usually had my headphones in so it wasn't something I was used to hearing here. I glanced up and saw a soft glow coming through one of the windows. I'd always thought most of the buildings around here were abandoned.

I shook my head and took another few steps before stopping again. For some reason I couldn't explain I felt…pulled to it. I glanced back up at the window and sighed. I started back towards the building, looking up to the fire escape. The steps were already pulled down so I started up.

The music kept growing louder and louder as I got closer to the window. I wasn't sure what I was going to find so when I reached the right floor I paused and inched my eyes up to the window.

"Oh my God…" I whispered. I blinked a few times and shook my head.

Bella danced across the floor to the music, her feet looking like they weren't even touching the floor. She was fucking floating. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and she wore a big t-shirt and those fucking leggings that would be annoying on any other person but her. My eyes lingered on her feet and the pink ballet shoes that encased them, the ribbons sweeping up and caressing her leg. She was the most beautiful thing I've ever fucking seen in my life. This was her secret, or part of it at least.

Despite the fact that it was a complete accident and she looked amazing and strong, I felt like I betrayed her. She wasn't ready for me to know and I felt terrible for finding out before she wanted me too.

I bit down on my lip and told myself to look away, but I couldn't. I was completely mesmerized by her. She stopped in front of the shitty mirror she had and slowly raised her leg up in the air. The look on her face was so intense, so focused. She shook a little before she steadied herself again. She turned herself around in a circle as I pulled myself away from the window, scared that she would see me.

I forced myself to leave, heading back down the fire escape. I quickly went back to the apartment and slipped back into bed. Nobody was back yet and it honestly didn't surprise me.

I didn't sleep. I just waited for her to get back and wondered if I should tell her.

I finally heard the front door open and close. From the silence I assumed it was Bella and not the rest of them. I had a feeling they weren't going to be subtle when they got home.

Bella's door inched open and she stepped inside, closing it again behind her.

"Hi," I said, crossing my arms in front of me.

She jumped and spun around. "Hi," she smiled. "You scared me."

"Sorry."

"I…woke up and you were gone." She set her bag down and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah." I smiled and waited to see if she was going to say anything else.

"I need to take a shower." She gave me one last look and I wondered if she was suspicious. She grabbed some different clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. I fell asleep before she got back, but when I woke up the next morning she was in my arms and everything was just like I wanted it to be. Except that it was different now. I looked at her differently. It wasn't bad or like I thought any less of her, it was the complete opposite. I was in awe of the woman laying beside me. Fucking in Awe.

* * *

**A/N: Ah! Lots of big and beautiful things happening in this chapter! So I think it should be pretty obvious what Edward does, and probably was before this. But I think we can officially say that Graffitiward has been born! Happy Birthday Graffitiward : )**

**Thanks for everyone who has recc'd this story, or reviewed, or done anything to be deemed by me as amazing. It means a lot to me that you support my story and my little creative outlet.  
**

**This will probably be the only update this week. I'll try to keep you guys updated as much as possible as far as schedule goes, because I don't like to leave you guys hanging. Remember all those times when I was like "oh I won't post bc I won't have time and then surprise I do?" Probably not happening now that school's started. Despite the fact that I'm only taking 2 classes, one is a seminar in which I have to read one book a week. The subject matter is awesome (hip hop culture), my professor played Lil Wayne in class today and said "raw as hell" on several occassions. All awesomeness aside, that's still a shit ton of reading so please stick with me and I appreciate your patience. **

**I want to start hopefully pimping out some awards sites for the fandom because in the little spare time I have, I am along with others trying to create one and I know how hard it is. So check out the Fandom People Awards, they have some great categories! : )**

**Lastly, I think, Reminder that you only have until the 17th to sign up for my o/s contest. See the link on my profile for more deets.**

**

* * *

****Review Poll: Is Bella going to freak out when she finds out that Edward knows, even if it was an accident?  
**


	9. Just Him

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.  
**

**

* * *

**

**A/N: Ya'll can thank Suzie55 for this chapter. It's coming to you a little earlier than I was planning but she made me see the light in my evil ways. And plus I'm still incredibly busy this week adjusting to classes. Enjoy : )**

* * *

**Edward**

Emmett, Jasper and Rose left a couple days after New Year's. Bella went back to school and work a few days after they left.

I didn't tell her that I saw her. I couldn't bring myself to break her like that when we were just starting this…thing, whatever it was. I wanted to wait until the time was right, if there was such a thing. I was between a rock and a fucking hard place I'll tell you that.

We both snuck out at night and went to our respective places. We didn't talk much about it, but I found myself taking that same alleyway where she was more often. I stopped myself from going back up there, but I always glanced up as I passed and smiled when I saw the light from the window. It almost made me feel like I was up there with her watching her. I could still see it in my head, replayed like a movie over and over.

I still hadn't had any luck finding an actual apartment and I guess I'd subconsciously stopped looking, which was probably pretty shitty of me because I was technically still a guest in Alice and Bella's apartment. If they ended up kicking me out I guess I could stay at my workspace. There wasn't a suitable bathroom or kitchen but I could improvise. I was no Miss Cleo but I really didn't foresee that happening.

"I'm surprised to see you up before noon with how late you've been sleeping lately," Alice said as I shuffled into the kitchen. I ran my fingers through my hair and laughed. "Actually it's eight in the morning, what the hell are you doing?" She pulled out her fruit cup and a spoon.

"I'm going to take Bella some coffee before her next class…" I mumbled. I'd quickly memorized her schedule and couldn't understand why she chose to take a class this damn early. She woke me up before she left and I was going to surprise her between her first and second class. She looked a little sluggish, which doesn't really surprise me with her current…routine. I slept till noon. I was making up for my lack of sleep at night. She wasn't.

"Edward," Alice sighed.

"What? I thought you wanted us to…be whatever." I shrugged.

"I do. I think you're good for each other but I just…you need to understand something about Bella." She stopped eating and came to sit beside me. "She's been through some things….some really, really rough things that I honestly don't think I would be strong enough to handle. She hides it well behind those sarcastic walls of hers but she's fragile. More fragile than you could even imagine." She shook her head. "It's not my place to tell you all the details, that's her story to share when she's ready but I just needed you to know that. She's my best friend and I love her."

"Okay." I nodded and sighed. That just confirmed my suspicions that there was something else besides the dancing. It might be connected to the dancing but that wasn't it. Not really. I didn't even really want to think about what it was. I knew I'd have to face it eventually, but Alice's words had scared me to death. What if I couldn't handle it?

"I've got to go. I've got a meeting with my agent." Alice set her dishes down at the sink and disappeared into her room.

I changed into some decent clothes and brushed my teeth before I headed out of the apartment. I stopped by a coffee shop close to campus and got us both some coffee. She should be out of class in about ten minutes or so.

I headed over to the building and waited outside, sipping on my coffee. A few guys walked past me, staring me up and down. I knew I probably looked a little out of place on campus. I wasn't exactly college material.

I pulled out a cigarette to smoke while I waited. I knew Bella would bitch at me if I did it while I was around her so I thought I'd get it out of the way. That in its self showed I meant business with her. I would never give up my cigarettes for any chick, but for some reason I always felt guilty about it with her. It pissed me off.

I finished my cigarette and flicked it down on the ground before stomping it out. Some girl walked by me and cleared her throat. She glanced down at the smoldering roll and over at a 'No Smoking' sign.

"Sorry," I mumbled. She glared at me. "What the hell do you want me to do? Unsmoke it?" She shook her head and walked away as more students started pouring out of the building. Bella's class must be done.

I smiled as soon as I spotted her. She still looked worn out as hell as she skipped down the concrete stairs and out the door.

"Good morning sunshine," I said.

"Edward?" She spun around. "What are you doing here?" She took a few steps towards me and adjusted her bag over her shoulder.

"I thought you could use some coffee." I held up her cup and handed it to her.

"How thoughtful. Thank you." She tentatively leaned forward like she was going to kiss me, but stopped herself. It wasn't that we hadn't kissed since New Year's we just didn't usually do it outside of the apartment. We hadn't really discussed PDA and even though I wasn't a fan of it usually I wanted to kiss her. So I fucking did it.

I hummed as I pressed my lips against hers once, twice, three times. Her eyes were still closed as I pulled away, a content grin spread across her face.

"How long until your next class?" I asked, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Like twenty minutes. Walk me?" She nodded down the sidewalk.

"Of course."

We started ambling slowly down the sidewalk. I had no idea where I was going, but I just followed her.

"So what are you doing today?" She asked.

"Nothing. Are you heading to the museum?"

"Not today. I have a group project to work on at the library. Do you want to maybe get some dinner after?"

"Sure. What time should I come down?"

"Just find me in the library around five. We should be done." She stopped and I realized we were in front of another building.

"Kay." I hesitated again before kissing her one last time before she headed inside. It was weird doing this boyfriend like shit. I wasn't sure if that's what I was officially but it was still weird. I wasn't used to acting like this. The odd thing was I really liked it.

I headed over to my workspace and got lost in my thoughts. I didn't even know what it was until I was finished. It was just this shape in my head and I couldn't shake it. As soon as I stepped back and saw the pink ballet shoe I kind of flipped out. Why can't I just pretend I never saw her?

I tried again and came up with twirling ribbon, just like the one that floated up Bella's leg from her shoe. The next looked close to the shadow of her outline as she stretched her leg out beside her.

I sighed and tugged at my hair. "Fuck," I mumbled, kicking at one of the cans. It knocked over and must have malfunctioned or some shit because it started spraying everywhere. I put my hands out in front of me defensively and cursed when I saw the red squirt all over them.

I finally tamed the wild can and threw it in the trashcan. I glanced at my now splattered watch and panicked. It was five thirty. I was supposed to meet Bella a half hour ago. I must have lost track of time.

I frantically grabbed a paper towel and held onto my phone, not wanting to get it all fucked up from my hands. There was a voicemail and I assumed it was from her. _Way to fuck up already Edward._

I punched in my code and waited.

"Hey it's me…Bella." I laughed a little that she felt the need to say that. "So listen I think this is going to run a little longer than I expected so we might have to catch dinner another night. I'll just meet you back at the apartment. Sorry."

I sighed and set my phone back down. I guess that meant I could stay a little bit longer, even though I'd much rather be spending time with Bella. I'd gotten used to her being around all the time and now that she was back at school I felt it. I actually fucking missed her.

I spent another couple of hours there before heading back. I called Alice along the way and she said she'd be down at the gym and wouldn't be back for a while. I picked up some takeout on the way back, hungry as hell.

I set my box down on the counter and went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I didn't think it was a good thing to eat with toxic chemicals on your hands.

I heard the door open as I turned on the water and smiled.

"Hello?" I called.

"Hello!" Bella yelled back. "I'm so sorry about dinner, we just got all caught up and I'm stuck with a group of complete idiots so of course I had to do…all the work." Her eyes widened as she stepped in the doorway. She dropped her bag on the floor and rushed to my side. "Oh my God what did you do? We need to take you to the hospital, did you cut yourself?" She pulled my hands out of the water and I cursed under my breath. She thought it was blood.

"It's not blood. I'm fine."

"What?" She asked.

"I'm not hurt don't worry," I smirked. She was genuinely concerned. It made me feel all good and shit. It was nice to know she'd be a little put out if I got injured.

"What the hell is it then?"

Panic mode. _Lie. No don't lie. Don't lie to her. Just avoid._

"So you're in a group of idiots huh?" I laughed and finished washing my hands off. I grabbed the closest towel and dried them off as I walked back into the kitchen.

"Yeah. I'll probably end up doing most of the project while they just sit on their asses."

I sat down at the bar and she joined me. I pulled my takeout box close to me and grabbed a fork. I took a few bites before handing it over to her. She swung back and forth on her barstool as she ate, her legs bumping occasionally against mine.

"That doesn't seem fair." I shook my head and reached for the food again.

"Don't worry. I'll get them in the group evaluation."

"Sneaky."

"Very." She rested her head on her hand and closed her eyes. She looked fucking exhausted. Still beautiful as hell, but exhausted. She reached out with her other hand and gently traced circles on my knee.

"You should go to bed. You look tired."

"It's only like eight. I have to at least get a few hours of work in." She yawned and inched her eyes open.

"Then maybe you should…forgo your outing tonight?" I glanced at her from underneath my eyelashes as I took another bite.

"No. It's fine. I can do it."

"Bella," I scolded.

"Edward." She cocked her eyebrow.

Alice busted through the door, rambling on her Bluetooth to someone. She waved at us as she passed and went straight into her room.

Bella and I finished up the food and retreated to her room. She sat at her desk working on her laptop. I laid down on the bed and ended up picking up that book I'd bought her. I know it was supposed to be girly shit but I kind of liked it. A few pages later I glanced up at the clock and gasped. It was after midnight and she was still typing away at her computer.

"Bella come to bed." I set the book down and pulled the covers back.

"I just have to finish this page." She tucked her pencil behind her ear and kept typing.

"Stop. Just…fucking stop okay. You're not going out tonight."

"Excuse me?" She spun around in her chair and glared at me. "Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?"

"I see what you're doing to yourself. You can't go the whole semester like this Bella, you're going to run yourself down. You already are. Christ just look at yourself." She was starting to piss me off with this whole angry rebellious thing. Trust me I get it, but at least I get enough sleep. This wasn't healthy. It had to stop.

**Bella**

He made me feel alive. I knew I had been floating through life before, not really letting myself really live. I didn't realize how broken I'd been before until he happened. I was far from healed but I wasn't as lost anymore. It was like Edward was my map or something. He was starting to help me find my way.

School sucked. Work at the museum was even starting to irritate me and I didn't know why. Ever since I started dancing again it almost completely consumed my mind. It was like nothing else could even compare or be more significant. I know it sounds crazy to be so addicted to something, but I was. It was the only other thing besides Edward that made me feel again.

My heart swelled when he surprised me with coffee. It was something so simple but nobody had ever done that for me before. It didn't really seem like anything he was used to either. I guess we were definitely pushing each other's limits and neither of us really knew how to act being in a relationship…or whatever this was. We didn't like labels. Whatever we were I was really excited to go out to dinner with him.

As soon as our meeting started I had a bad feeling I wasn't going to make it. Two kids were fifteen minutes late and one just failed to show up. None of them brought their books or notebooks or contributed anything to the conversation. All they did was nod a little every time I said something. It was starting to approach five and I didn't want to make Edward come all the way over here when it was obvious we had a lot more work to do than I originally planned. I was disappointed as hell, but I called to tell him I'd have to take a rain check. He didn't answer so I just left a voicemail and hoped he got it before he started over.

We finally finished up around 7:30 but I knew I'd have to get a lot more work done tonight if we had a chance to get a decent grade on it. The professor didn't give us much time to complete the assignment since he probably assumed all group members would contribute and cooperate. Newsflash, they never do.

When I got back to the apartment, I practically started salivating at the smell of whatever was in the box on the counter. I started towards my bedroom to drop my bag off and then I was planning to investigate it further. I had a feeling it was Edward's and he's the one who started the whole food stealing. I had a right to at least snoop.

As soon as I hit the bathroom I panicked. All I could see was red swirling around in the sink and I thought for sure we'd be spending the night in the E.R. I fucking hated hospitals. Edward assured me he was fine, but skillfully avoided telling me what the hell happened.

We shared his takeout as I fought to keep my eyes open. I was exhausted, but I still had things to do. And I was so close to nailing that new dance move, I was anxious to get out. Well technically it wasn't new, but it's new now. I used to be able to do it.

He hinted that I should stay in and I brushed it off just before Alice ran in. She'd been busy lately and I didn't see him scolding her into getting more sleep. I was a student. I was supposed to be sleep-deprived.

We retreated back to my room and I worked for a little while. I had a set amount of things I wanted to get done. I had to stay on schedule or everything was going to get messed up. I started getting a little frustrated when he bugged me about going to bed again. He was a persistent person and I could see that he wasn't going to let up.

"Edward you don't understand…everything. Just go to sleep." I turned back towards my computer.

"I don't understand? What the fuck don't I understand?" He scooted to the edge of the bed. "Please enlighten me."

I couldn't believe he had the audacity to talk to me like that. We've been going out…or whatever… a few weeks and he thinks he has the right to tell me how to live my life. He has no fucking idea about anything.

"It doesn't matter." I shook my head. I wasn't ready yet.

"God you are just so…infuriating sometimes!" He yelled. "Do you know that? If this is about your little secret I know. Okay? I fucking know that you sneak off and do your little dance shit every night!"

My breath hitched in my throat. He knows. Does he know everything? I felt the tears prickle behind my eyes, but I tried to hold them back.

"What the hell were you doing…_spying_ on me?" I narrowed my eyes at him and stood from my chair. I was livid.

"No it was an accident."

"You knew! You knew I wasn't ready to tell you yet. I accepted the fact that you had secrets Edward and I looked past them. How could you?" I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed by this guy I thought I could trust. Despite our sometimes-turbulent relationship I trusted him and now I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I spun around and grabbed my bag.

"Where the hell are you going?" He asked.

"Away from you." I threw open my bedroom door and darted across the living room. Alice's door flew open and she stepped out, glancing between me and Edward.

"What is going on?" She asked.

I glared at Edward once more and left the apartment, slamming the door loudly.

Why couldn't he just be patient with me? He felt like he had to go behind my back because he couldn't fucking wait. I would have told him eventually. I know I would have.

I didn't even pay attention to where I was walking I just walked, completely consumed by my thoughts. I almost expected him to follow me but he didn't.

I hugged my hoodie close to me, even though I knew it wouldn't help. It was too cold outside. I should have grabbed a coat or something on the way out.

I knew I'd passed the alley that led to my secret, or used to be secret, place. By the time I actually looked up and took in my surroundings I was completely lost. I'd never ventured far in this area and I didn't recognize anything.

"Shit…" I mumbled, spinning around.

"Hey sweetheart you look lost…" A guy stepped out into the darkness and I cowered back. "Do you need some help?"

"No thank you." I turned down the next alleyway I could find, just to get away from him. I didn't even have my pepper spray.

I bit down on my lip and glanced at all the graffiti I passed along the way. I know it's considered a nuisance but I thought it was kind of cool. I wished I could do something like that.

I was just about to turn a corner when one painting in particular caught me. My brow furrowed in confusion as I stopped and took a few cautious steps towards it.

"What the…?" I reached out and ran my fingers across the big brown eyes painted across the crumbling brick. I know that brown eyes are a common occurrence and shouldn't have startled me as much as it did, but I was completely rattled. Those were my brown eyes. I would have bet money on it. The artist hadn't done the entire face, but he even got that barely there beauty mark below my right eye. Those were my fucking eyes.

I bent down and scanned the entire painting, looking for some kind of indication of who it was by. My fingers slowed as they ran across the initials towards the bottom.

"AM…" I mumbled. _AM_. AM was here in New York, not in L.A. like Edward had said. _AM_. I couldn't understand why but those initials were sticking out in my head more than the first time I saw it. Almost like I…knew. _AM_. Anthony. Masen. Anthony Masen. Edward _Anthony Masen_ Cullen. "No," I breathed. I ran my fingers along the initials again.

Everything was starting to make sense. The paintings for Alice. The splatters on his shoes that first night. His hands earlier. He was right it wasn't blood. It was paint. Edward was AM. And he painted me.

I turned around and started running back in the direction I'd come. I passed the creepy guy waiting in the shadows and whistled as loud as I could. A taxi screeched to stop in front of me a few moments later and I hopped inside.

The apartment was silent when I got back. I threw off my shoes and hurried into my room. Edward was pacing around the room, rubbing his hands over his face. His head snapped up when I opened the door.

"Do you have any idea how fucking worried I've been? I ran after you but by the time I got downstairs you were already gone."

I took a few steps towards him and kissed him. He was still for a moment before he started kissing me back. His hands drifted up to my jaw, caressing and holding my face to his before brushing my hair over my shoulder. He slowly started backing us up until his knees hit the edge of the bed. He sat down and pulled me onto his lap, never breaking his lips away from mine.

"Edward I know," I mumbled against his lips.

"You know what?" He left my mouth and started trailing kisses down my neck as his hands rubbed up and down my back.

I pulled back a little and took his face in my hands. "I _know._"

"You know?" His eyes widened a little.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," I said slowly. I ran my fingers through his hair. I leaned down to his ear. "I didn't think anyone ever saw that beauty mark," I whispered.

He stiffened under my touch and I wondered if he was going to freak out like I did. "You saw it?" His eyes drifted back to mine and they almost broke my heart. He looked terrified not pissed. I thought back to everything he'd said about being vulnerable and not feeling like he could be himself. He was scared it was bad, that I didn't like it.

"It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Thank you." I leaned down and pressed my lips to his again. He relaxed a little and kissed me back. I had always known that there was this huge weight on us, but I didn't realize how much it affected him until now. I could literally feel it in his kiss.

We moved up the bed and crawled under the covers, instantly pulling each other close. I entwined my legs with his, wanting to feel as much of him as I could. Something had changed. I was different now that he knew….we knew. I wanted to know everything about him, feel everything with him. Something about knowing that special part of each other made me feel closer to him than I've ever felt with anyone else before in my entire life. It wasn't like it was a big secret to some people that I had danced. My family knew. Alice knew. But it was different now. And the fact that he painted me out of all the other things he could have painted meant something.

We laid there for a long time, just looking at each other. He ran his fingers lightly through my hair as he drifted off to sleep. I smiled and leaned forward to kiss him again as he slept. I still could have snuck out, but the thought didn't even cross my mind. Tonight was about him. Just him.

* * *

**A/N: *Clouds part* *Sun breaks through* *Angels sing* THEY KNOW : )**

**Okay I definitely have a major crush on Graffitiward. Maybe more than a major crush. **

**This will most likely be the only update this week, as I said before I'm still getting back into the swing of the whole school thing. Thanks for your patience : )**

**Author sign up for my one shot contest will end FRIDAY so make sure to get signed up if you haven't already. It's going to be ah-mazing.**

**Lastly, just wanted to send a special thank you to everyone that leaves reviews. I read every single one and take them very seriously, so don't ever think that your words go un-notice. I notice them and appreciate them : )**

**Mandy**


	10. Walk in the Rain

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Edward**

She knew. And she didn't hate it. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my fucking chest when she told me. Even though I loved painting and I knew that was the most important thing, I couldn't help but feel insecure about my work. I'd never had any classes, no professional training. It all started on the streets of Los Angeles. It was my classroom and the few others who painted where I did were my professors. We didn't speak much; it was always just this understood association. Just a quick nod as you passed, admiring another's work. But I watched them, copied their techniques as I developed my own. It was the only way I knew. Anonymous and invisible. Living behind the painted image.

I felt like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I still had my demons to deal with but at least I wasn't alone now. Before Bella I always felt like I was in the middle of a crowded room screaming my fucking lungs out and nobody heard me. Nobody understood. She does.

We both stayed in the next two nights and didn't complain at all. We didn't even really talk much we just laid together. On the third night I woke up and caught her shoving things in her backpack.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Hey."

"I really wish you wouldn't go out by yourself so late at night Bella…it's dangerous." I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Come with me." She kinked her eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Come with me." She stood up and pulled her backpack on.

"Okay. Give me a second." I hopped out of bed and shook my head, trying to wake myself up.

I pulled my shirt over my head and slinked out of my pajama pants. I squinted into the darkness, looking for any of my clothes laying around. I glanced up and saw Bella biting her lip as she took in my bare flesh. Damn she was cute.

I smirked and took a step towards her. "Do I make you nervous?"

"No," she stammered.

"No?"

She shook her head and took a step backwards. She stopped instantly when he back hit the door.

"I think I make you nervous," I teased. I took a few more steps until I was close enough to touch her.

She licked her lips and hesitantly reached her fingers out to brush across my chest. They fell lightly against my skin, barely skimming my stomach and the waistband of my boxers.

"You make me nervous," I admitted. I pressed my body flush against hers and she purred a little under her breath. My hand ghosted up to her neck and tilted her head back so I could kiss her. It was light at first, just grazing my lips against hers. A raspy whimper escaped her lips as she wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me closer.

"You do make me nervous," she mumbled against my lips. "Sometimes I feel like you can see right though me."

I smiled and slipped my tongue between her lips. Her hands reached up and threaded through my hair, holding my face to hers. I finally pulled away and placed wet kisses along her jaw and neck. "Are you sure you really want to go out?" I brushed my fingers over her stomach. "We could stay in." I leaned down and kissed her again.

"We should go," she whispered.

I sighed and stepped back. I wasn't going to argue with her. I slipped on a shirt, jeans and a sweatshirt. Bella pulled on a dark green knit hat and glove set and waited for me by the door.

"Alright," I pulled on my hat and sighed. "Let's go."

We slipped outside the apartment and down to the street. It was surprisingly warm for the end of January, even though the heat wave only brought the temperature to a couple degrees above freezing. From what Alice tells me they get one of these every year and then get absolutely shit on by feet of snow the next week. Can't say I was looking forward to that.

Even though I knew where we were going I let her lead. It was kind of nice, walking around with her instead of alone. It made our not so normal practice feel normal. It made me feel normal.

We passed a small group of men huddled together by an alley. I knew well enough to know they weren't homeless. They were the other kind that frequented the streets at night. I narrowed my eyes at them as we walked by, feeling their eyes on Bella. It made me nauseous to think this wasn't the first time she's passed them. I reached over and took her hand, pulling her close to me. I kissed her head and turned my eyes forward.

We turned the corner a few blocks down and I pulled down the fire escape bar for her. She climbed up ahead of me and scooted through the open window.

Once I was inside I took a good look around. I'd only been able to see so much when I peeked through the window. The space was a piece of crap. The barely usable mirror was still propped up against the wall. I noticed a few boxes and a long metal bar off to the side.

"What's that for?" I asked, nodding to the items.

"Oh," she laughed. "I tried to make a bar to work with but it didn't work out very well."

"A bar?"

"Yeah you know. Haven't you ever seen anything to do with ballet?" She raised her eyebrow. "We use a bar to perform and stretch sometimes."

My mind flashed back to my studio and the long wooden bar that cut through the middle of the wall. I saw past the bar and to the floor length mirror that ran behind it. Everything was starting to come together. My place used to be a ballet studio.

"Get your stuff, I want to show you something," I turned back towards the window.

"Wait what?"

"I promise you'll like it."

"Okay." She picked her bag back up and left.

I took her hand again and led her to my place. She seemed a little surprised that I actually rented a place, but was thankful that we only had to climb stairs and not navigate a rickety fire escape.

I opened the door for her and followed her in. I flipped on the lights and watched as she spun around, taking the room in. She froze just when I expected she would and I couldn't help but smile. She took a few slow steps towards the bar and ran her fingers along it.

"Like it?" I asked.

"How is this possible?" She whispered.

"Crazy huh? I didn't connect the dots until you started talking about that bar at your place."

"This must have been an old dance studio…." She glanced at me in the mirror and smiled. "I used to dance in a place just like this…" Her eyes were flickering all across the room, an intense fire burning behind them.

"So you used to actually take lessons? Why so secretive about it then?" I'd always thought she was like me, afraid that people wouldn't accept her or that she didn't fit into the expected mold. I never thought she'd grown up like this.

"Things…got in the way." She shook her head and instantly shut down. "It kind of left a bad taste in my father's mouth."

"So he doesn't approve?"

"I'm too scared to tell him. That's why I did it this way; I didn't want anyone to know. I was afraid it would get back to him somehow."

"But why does it matter? It's not like he can force you not to dance."

"It's complicated," she stuttered. I nodded and dropped it. Some other time.

"So what do you think?" I asked.

"About what?"

"Practicing here. You can use the space while I paint."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." She blushed and looked down, trying to contain her excitement. It was a win-win situation for both of us. She didn't have to practice in that shitty place and I got to spend more time with her and keep an eye on her.

"So why don't you show me something?" I crossed my arms and smiled.

"What do you want to see?"

I shrugged.

"Okay just give me a minute." She bit down on lip and sat down to switch into her shoes. Now that I got a closer look at them I could see why they would hurt her feet. It made my toes hurt just looking at them.

She pulled her coat and hat off before bending over and stretching. I sat down and leaned against the mirrored wall as I watched. She took a few steps towards the bar and lifted her leg up before leaning forward and grabbing her foot to stretch some more. I was already in awe of her right now and she wasn't even to the main event.

She turned and faced the mirror, grabbing the bar with both hands. She took a deep breath and focused on herself in the mirror before slowly dragging her toe along the floor. It traveled up her leg and out as she popped up onto her other toe. She winced a little as her leg wobbled, but she finally steadied herself and let go of the bar. She pushed herself around and reached behind her, grabbing her floating leg and pulling it higher. A small smile played upon her face as she closed her eyes and posed for me.

I laughed and started clapping as she snapped her leg down and bowed.

"That was fucking brilliant," I said.

"Really?" She knelt down on the floor and crawled onto my lap.

"Yes." I kissed the tip of her nose.

"I think you might be a little biased."

"That may be, but I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one who would say that. If I tried to do that I would fall and probably break my ass."

"Don't want that happening," she said, a large grin spreading across her face. "Are you going to paint a little?"

"Yeah. I'm a little immobile at the moment though." I looked down at my legs trapped underneath her. My fingers started drifting up and down her thighs, almost feeling the twitching of her muscles underneath them.

"Sorry about that." She kissed me quickly and hopped up. "Do you mind if I put some music on?"

"No go ahead." I stood up and bent my legs a little. "I'm going to open the window a little to get ventilation in here. Let me know if you get cold."

"I don't think that'll be a problem. It'll probably feel good."

"Okay. I don't use the spray paint as much up here because it's just too strong for an enclosed space. Mostly just as an after affect or for detail."

"Okay." She smiled and pulled her stereo out of her bag as I walked over to where my supplies were. I pulled a window open and set up a new canvas on my easel.

I picked up a clean paintbrush and gripped it in my teeth while I fingered through my paints. I heard Bella starting to move across the floor behind me and glanced up into the mirror. She was spinning around, just like the night that I saw her. I smiled and turned back to my canvas.

I painted. She danced. And for those few hours the world seemed a little simpler than the rest of the day.

"I think I'm done." She sighed and plopped down on the floor beside me. "Can I see?"

I hesitated before turning the easel her way.

"What is it?" She asked.

"When I know I'll let you know." I laughed and started packing up. I glanced outside as a boom of thunder rang out and cringed. "We should hurry. I think it's going to rain." It was the end of January and it was going to rain. I hated New York's weather. Mood swings up the ass.

Bella quickly packed up her things and bundled up again before we headed out. As soon as we took our first step outside it started pouring.

"Fuck," I whispered, pulling us back under the overhang.

"What?" She asked.

"It's raining," I waved out to the sheets of rain falling down.

"So…"

"So….it's raining."

She smiled and stepped out into the downpour.

**Bella**

I was cold and drenched the moment I stepped out into the rain. The temperature was lingering just around the freezing point so some of the droplets were icy and hard.

Edward's eyes widened like I was crazy as he stuttered for something to say. I stepped forward and took his hand.

"I don't get why people are so afraid of the rain." I shook my head. "The way I see it you should dance in the rain, not run away from it." I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Will you take a walk in the rain with me?" I whispered.

He nodded and pushed us both out into the downpour, twirling me around once before pulling me to his side.

We continued down the street and made our way back to the apartment. By the time we stepped inside we were both shaking and freezing.

"If I get pneumonia I'm blaming you," Edward said. I laughed and kicked my shoes off.

"It's okay I'll take care of you." I skipped to my room and grabbed some dry, warm clothes before heading into the bathroom. I know Edward probably didn't understand why I couldn't just change in my room with him. I mean I'd seen him in his underwear several times and I know he wouldn't look if I asked him not to, but just the thought made my chest tighten with fear. It had nothing to do with being naked in front of him; I just didn't want him to see my scar. I figured he would eventually but I wasn't ready for it yet. I didn't want him to see how defective I was yet. I didn't want to lose him yet.

I quickly changed into some sweats and ran a comb through my hair before I went back into my room. Edward was just throwing his own sweatshirt on. He turned around and smiled before jumping into the bed. I crawled inside and reached for him.

"Why doesn't Alice know you're AM?" I whispered.

"I uh…I guess I don't know why." He shook his head. "I guess I just shut that part of me off to anyone I knew. Even Alice."

"But she loves you Edward. She would love you regardless."

"I know that. I just…you said that things left a bad taste in your dad's mouth right?"

I nodded.

"Well that's kind of what it's like with my family, or my dad. Anything that isn't medical school leaves a bad taste in his mouth."

"But doesn't he just want you to be happy?"

His fingers trailed down my thigh and pulled my knee over his leg. "My dad loves me. He just…he thinks I'm too smart to do anything except medicine. He thinks I'll waste my potential. I think he's still waiting for me to tell him I sent in my applications. Like this is just a hiccup or something." He laughed.

"Well I don't think it matters whether you're too smart for something or not. Just because you're smart doesn't mean you should be stuck in a job you don't want to do. If you have a passion for something then that's what you should be doing. No matter what."

"It's still scary to face that."

"If you don't do something because it's scary then you'll miss out on a lot." I bit down on my lip and smiled. "I didn't know you were really smart…I mean, you know what I mean."

"Graduated in the top two percent of my high school class and had no interest in going to college. Imagine the shock."

"Scandalous."

He smiled and scooted closer to me, using his finger to gently push my hair away from my face. "You're so beautiful."

I looked down at his neck and laughed under my breath. He had this way of making me feel like I was the most breathtaking thing he's ever laid eyes on and it was a little embarrassing, in a good way.

He leaned over and kissed my cheek as he made his way to my lips. I smiled and pushed him onto his back, pulling my body completely on top of his. His hands drifted to my hips, holding me in place against him as I kissed him. He drifted lower over my ass and pushed my hips into his. I gasped when I felt him hard below me.

"I want you," he whispered against my lips.

I wanted him too. I wanted to have sex with Edward. But I couldn't. Not right now. I was still a virgin but I wasn't afraid of the act of sex. I came close with Ben before everything happened in high school but it never happened. And now I was avoiding it. I mean what do I say, "Yeah let's do it, but can I keep my top on so you can't see this horrendous scar on my chest?" I knew I was attracted to Edward, more than I've ever been attracted to anyone. I could feel it buzzing whenever I was around him. That had to mean something right?

He pushed his lips roughly against mine and slipped his tongue out, running it along my bottom lip. I moaned and unconsciously pushed my hips against his again. It felt right, normal to want him like this. Like my entire being was craving him.

"You know they say you warm up faster if you take your clothes off…" He mumbled. He reached up and slipped his hand under my sweatshirt, just running along the skin of my stomach.

I instantly tensed up and sat back before rolling off him. He sighed and turned towards me, watching as my chest rose up and down while I tried to catch my breath.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He took my hand in his and brought it up to his lips. "I didn't mean to…"

"It's not your fault it's mine."

"It's okay. I don't want to push you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. But I wish you'd tell me what's wrong baby." He kissed my cheek and sat back.

Just thinking the words in my head made my mouth instantly clamp shut. Even if I wanted to I don't know if I could tell him everything. I couldn't get the fucking words out. When the time comes I'll probably have to write it down on a piece of paper or something, but knowing me, my hand will refuse to write. I'm scared to tell him. I'm scared he'll leave me.

"Can I just…try something?" He murmured. "If you want me to stop at any time just tell me okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt him move off the bed and down by my feet. He pushed the covers back and took them in his hand.

"Can I kiss you here?" He asked. I nodded. His lips tickled a little as they brushed across the top of my feet. He crawled up onto the bed and inched up my body. "And here?" He touched my knee.

"Yes," I whispered. He rolled the leg of my sweatpants up and kissed my knee. His fingers inched up until they circled around my hip.

"Here?"

I nodded again. He rolled down the waistband a little and kissed my hipbone, swirling his tongue out and around it.

"Here?" He moved his face over to just under my bellybutton.

"Yes," I breathed. He placed a soft kiss there before glancing down.

"Bella can I kiss you here?" He brushed his finger over my center, running it along the seam of my sweatpants. My fingers fisted into the sheets, twisting and knotting them as he passed over my sensitive spot. I nodded, only able to manage a soft whimpering sound.

He kept my sweatpants on as he brushed his nose down the seam and placed a soft kiss there. He started crawling up the rest of my body until he was eyelevel with my chest. I felt the panic start to creep through my veins and told myself to relax.

"Here?" He ran his finger over the peak of my right breast.

"Yes."

He slowly reached down and skillfully pulled up the right side of my sweatshirt, managing to hold down the other side. He fingered along the cup of my bra before glancing up at me as he pulled it down. He bent down and lightly kissed my skin, sucking and nipping at it. I arched my back forward, holding him to it. My fingers threaded in his hair and I found my hips bucking forward to meet his.

"And here?" He mumbled against my skin as his other hand reached up over my sweatshirt to cup my other breast.

My entire body tensed and I think he felt that. It was too close.

I shook my head and thought he was going to show some reaction but he didn't. He just moved on.

"Can I kiss you here?" He breathed, ghosting his fingers along my neck. I nodded and he did.

He sat up and hovered above me, his face only inches from mine.

"Can you kiss me here?" I asked, pointing to my lips. He smiled and leaned down to press his mouth to mine. I loved kissing him, I knew that much. It was different with him than with anyone else. Almost like he was leaving a permanent impression on my entire being, all from one kiss.

We both drifted off to sleep and I was thankful that tomorrow was Saturday. Not only could we sleep in, but I could spend the whole day with him.

I woke up the next morning to something tickling my feet. I kicked it away and tried to go back to sleep. It started again a few moments later and I groaned and kicked again. I heard Edward laugh and my eyes shot open.

"What do you think you're doing?" I cocked my eyebrow at him. He was laying down at the end of the bed playing with my feet.

"I just realized last night that you have really adorable feet."

"They're tiny and they're gross right now. I don't even have any nail polish on them."

"I disagree." He launched himself up the bed and grabbed the bottle of nail polish I had sitting on my nightstand. "Is this okay?"

I nodded, a large smile playing on my lips. He went back down to the end of the bed and sat upright, pulling my feet onto his lap. It was hilarious to see him trying to work the little wand and avoid making a mess, but he was really concentrating. It took him three tries to get one foot right, but he refused to call it done until he was satisfied with his work.

"Good morning!" Alice knocked and stepped inside. Her eyes instantly drifted to Edward painting my toenails. "My brother is painting your nails…Weird. And oddly adorable." She put her hands on her hips. "What are you guys doing today?"

"I want to stay in bed all day." I pulled the covers closer to my body and smiled.

"Agreed," Edward added.

"Fine. You two stay in bed all day doing nothing while I go shopping…." She eyed both of us like that was going to make us change our minds. If anything it gave me more incentive to stay home. Going shopping with Alice was exhausting, not exciting.

She sighed and skipped back out the door.

"There. Done." Edward twisted the top back on and crawled up the bed.

"Very good," I said, wiggling my toes.

"Well it's not my usual canvas but I did my best," he whispered, kissing the spot right below my ear.

Alice darted by again, this time coat and hat in hand. She glanced in and rolled her eyes. "Get a room," she teased. She stopped and turned back, realizing the idiocy of what she'd just said. We already had a room. "You know what I mean." She waved her hand in front of her face and left.

Edward and I spent the entire day in bed together and it was amazing. I knew it was happening. I could feel the fire in the pit of my chest. If I wasn't careful I was going to fall in love with him. And deep down I think I knew that journey had already started.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you guys in advance for your patience, I really appreciate it. : ) And also thank you for all of the reviews, I read each and every one and they all mean a lot to me.**

**Some of you have some great theories on what is going on with Bella, and I'll say that there are some that are going in the right direction. **

**Pimping some more awards sites: As a movie freak I absolutely love this idea. They're called the Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards, kind of like the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They have some great categories up there, so get to nom'ing your fave authors and stories! http : / www . twinklingswfa . blogspot . com /**

**Also just so you know, sign up has ended for my One Shot Soundtrack contest and the songs have been sent out. I'm really excited to see what everyone comes up with and I hope you all will take a look and vote once the entries are posted. : )**

**Thanks for sticking with me. XOXO  
**


	11. My UnValentine's Valentine

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Edward**

My little experiment with Bella gave me some more insight and also confused the hell of out of me at the same time. She always seemed to tense up when I tried to kiss her there, or made any move to expose her on that side of her body. I didn't understand, but at least I knew to avoid it for now. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I hoped in time she'd tell me everything but that was up to her. I'd be here, when she was ready to let me in.

Alice seemed almost giddy with Bella and my budding relationship and I had to tell her to calm the fuck down some of the time. She made me more anxious than I should be and I didn't want Bella to think it was because of her. I was more comfortable with her than I've been with anyone in my life, Alice included. I never thought I'd be okay with someone knowing everything but I was. Bella made me almost want to…show it off. I knew I wasn't ready for it yet, but when she told me my work was beautiful I knew she meant it. She wasn't one to bullshit someone to spare their feelings. And her opinion was starting to matter more than anyone's.

"Ready to go?" She smiled and turned her head towards me. We'd been limiting our secret excursions to every other night. It took some convincing on my part but it turns out I'm really good at it when it comes to Bella. Never worked with my parents but all I have to do is give her that puppy dog pout and she's done for. I'm not ashamed. I'd do almost anything to spend an entire night lying with her in bed.

I pulled on my hat and started towards the door. I grabbed her hand along the way and we started off towards my studio. She'd eventually just started leaving her things there since it was technically mine anyway.

When we got there I made her close her eyes before we went inside. After I was convinced she wasn't cheating I reached inside and flicked on the switch. The lights flickered a little before setting off a constant soft glow around the room. I told her to stay there while I ran over to my easel and grabbed the single red rose I'd placed there when I was here earlier.

"Okay open your eyes," I said.

Her eyes slowly inched open and widened at the sight before her. I knew she wasn't expecting anything and that just made it fucking awesome.

"What is all this?" She glanced up at the Christmas lights floating above our heads and smiled.

"Happy Valentine's Day." I smirked and handed her the rose. We had made a conscious decision not to do anything big for it. It was our first one and honestly neither of us were really into the romantic dinners over candlelight. But I couldn't just completely avoid it. It was Valentine's Day. And Bella was my Valentine. So I snuck over here while she was in class and nearly broke my leg stringing those fucking lights up.

"So this is our Un-Valentine's Day,Valentine?" She asked.

"Well in all fairness, it's already February 15th in Australia so it can be whatever you want it to be," I murmured. I pushed her hair back over her shoulder and smiled. "I don't think I need a particular reason to spoil you."

"I think I could go for a little more spoiling…" she whispered. She leaned in close and sighed.

"I don't know. I don't want to go overboard or anything." I laughed under my breath and grabbed her hips as I slowly backed us up towards the futon.

"I'm definitely okay with going a little overboard," she said softly. "Just a little."

"Just a little?" I cocked my eyebrow and gently pushed her down on the cushion.

"Yep." She bit down on her lip and propped herself up on her elbows.

I crouched down and knelt on the futon, crawling up until I straddled her waist. She reached up and grabbed my shirt, fisting and twisting the fabric as she pulled me down to her.

I growled the moment her lips pressed against mine and I allowed my body to collapse on top of hers, allowing her just enough room to breathe. It felt like our bodies were almost magnetic, undeniably pulled to one another. Needing to be close. Needing the connection. Almost like needing oxygen. Almost like it was becoming essential to my survival. I needed her.

"God you set me on fire," she mumbled against my lips. I smiled and forced my hips against hers. She surprised me when she met my movements, sending a shiver through my entire body. My hands traveled up her body and found the peak of her breast. She froze for the slightest moment before I felt her relax again under my touch. I cursed beneath my breath, trying to remember to control myself.

"Is this okay?" I asked. She whimpered and nodded slightly. I applied a little pressure, kneading and squeezing her lightly with my fingers. Her apprehension almost made me wonder more about her…experience with this. She said she'd never had a boyfriend before and she didn't seem like the type of girl to sleep around. It didn't matter to me but I wanted to make sure I wasn't rushing her. Even though I wanted her this way the last fucking thing I wanted to do was scare her away.

I pulled back and watched her as my fingers danced across her. I wanted to feel her skin. I wanted to feel her bare.

I slowly allowed my fingers to drift south, keeping my eyes on her the entire time to assess her reaction. I slid them slowly across her stomach, smiling to myself when I brushed across her soft skin. I noticed her breathing increase as I slipped my hand under her shirt.

"Relax…" I whispered. "Just tell me to stop if it's too much okay?"

She nodded quickly.

I inched my hand up until I felt the underwire of her bra. I took a deep breath and continued up, fingering along the top of the cup. I growled under my breath as I felt the lace fabric against her skin. There was something about lace that was so sexy to me, it was almost unbearable.

I forced my eyes up to hers. They were wide and frantic, but almost curious at the same time. She took a shaky breath and nodded her head. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers as I pulled down the fabric. She whimpered as I grazed my fingers across her. I reached over and did the same to the other side, smiling at her response to my touch.

I froze when she moved her hips against mine and clenched my eyes tightly. I moved myself against her, wondering if it felt as fucking phenomenal to her as it did to me.

"Edward," she breathed.

I pressed my forehead to hers and bit down hard on my bottom lip. "Fuck Bella…"

I moved my hand a little more roughly against her flesh and felt something…different. Almost like a little raised line on her skin. I heard her breath hitch in her throat and she instantly stopped moving.

I pulled back and saw nothing but fear in her eyes. I messed up. I messed up and I don't even know why, but it scared the shit out of me.

"Baby what's wrong?" I asked. I removed my hand from her shirt and caressed her cheek.

"I…" She shook her head and turned her eyes away.

"Do I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" I smiled and leaned down to kiss her. Something set her off. Something made her panic and I needed her to feel better.

I felt her smile against my lips and I knew whatever fears she had before were gone. I couldn't even begin to understand them but I guess I knew what to stay away from now.

She laced her fingers through my hair and arched her hips up to meet mine again. I grabbed her leg and pulled it up around my waist as I pushed against her. Her head fell back onto the cushion as her eyes fluttered shut.

My hand traveled up from her knee, feeling along the thin fabric of her leggings until I found her center. She hadn't seemed hesitant when I kissed her there and she didn't even flinch when I brushed my fingers over her. I was starting to think that this whole panic thing had nothing to do with sex at all. It was something completely different.

She purred as I moved my fingers against her, bucking her hips up to meet them.

"Is this okay?" I whispered.

"Mmmhmm…"

I leaned down and nibbled on her neck, sucking her soft skin between my teeth. It didn't take long before I felt her whole body tense up and shake beneath me. She collapsed back into the futon, her breathing labored. I smiled and placed a soft kiss on her lips before laying down beside her.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Shh…." She mumbled, rolling onto her stomach and curling up into my side. I laughed under my breath and put my arm around her, slowly tracing the lines of her spine with my fingers.

I was actually relieved when she fell asleep. Even with the extra nights of sleep, she still looked exhausted. Some extra sleep wasn't going to hurt.

I slipped out from the futon and sauntered over to my easel. Bella stirred slightly when I left, but stayed asleep. Her hair was splayed out all around her, almost like a waterfall of dark curls. Peaceful. Calm. Happy. She looked so damn happy I couldn't help but smile.

I grabbed one of my paintbrushes and held it between my teeth as I struggled to open a tube of paint.

"Little fucker…" I whispered. The top flew off as a blip of brown paint squirted onto the canvas. It slipped down the blank emptiness and pooled at the bottom. I sighed and glanced over at Bella again.

I cocked my eyebrow as I glanced between her and my now soiled canvas. I smiled and decided to go with it. It was the perfect shade of brown anyway.

There was something about painting her that calmed me. There was something about the soft curve of her jaw, the softness in her face. The way that the small sliver of skin fucking glowed in the light. Even while she slept I could feel her energy, almost like it was inside me. It buzzed through my entire body and settled deep in my chest. It was an unfamiliar feeling for me, but I knew that I never wanted to experience it with anyone but her. It had to be her. There was no one else.

I worked for a few more hours, trying to be as quiet as possible. I didn't completely finish it, but the basics were all laid out. I just had to go back through with some detail and last minute additions.

I yawned and stretched my arms above my head as I glanced over at Bella. She was just the way I left her, completely passed out. I smiled and set my supplies down before I walked back over the futon. I carefully crawled back on it and settled next to her.

"What are you so scared of baby?" I whispered. I reached out and ran my finger along her lips and over her sleeping eyes. I scooted closer to her and pulled her close, so close I could feel her breath on my face.

It took me a long time to finally fall asleep. My mind was racing a million miles a minute and I felt like it was never going to shut off. I can't seem to tell myself to stop questioning everything. It's only human to be curious. It's only natural to want to know everything about the person you sleep next to every night. Sometimes I think I'm going to scream or go fucking crazy. Or maybe I am going crazy. It would explain a lot. But I guess I'd just like to think it's just Bella giving me this unwavering feeling like I'm fucking floating. She's completely consumed me and I don't think I ever want to break free.

**Bella**

I slowly inched my eyes open and looked around the room. Everything was unfamiliar. The only thing that felt like home to me was having Edward's arms wrapped around my waist and his warm breathing beating softly against my back.

I sat up and blinked a few times, trying to take in my surroundings. I finally remembered I was in Edward's studio. I must have fallen asleep after he… I shook my head and turned around to look at him.

I laughed a little under my breath when I saw the little brown paint smudge on the tip of his nose. I leaned forward and kissed it before crawling off the futon and stretching my arms above my head.

I slowly shuffled across the floor and cocked my head to the side when I saw the painting. Edward was a master of capturing the moment, even if I was a little embarrassed he painted me sleeping. My arm was tucked lazily behind my head, almost completely sheathed by my dark hair. My shirt had ridden up a little bit, just barely exposing some skin. I looked serene, like everything in my life was perfectly falling into place. Like I didn't have a damn care in the world. What a fucking sham.

I stared at the painting, almost becoming lost inside it. Drowning in the mix of colors and lines across the canvas. My eyes focused on the one spot on my shoulder. Even though he didn't paint it, I knew what was hiding underneath the fabric. It was like this little monster threatening to expose the darkest parts of me. The parts I keep hidden. I never wanted any of it, I never asked for it. I know no one ever does but why does life have to be so unfair? What the hell did I do to deserve this symbol of my pain engraved in my skin? I know what happened to me, and I don't need a reminder everyday when I look in the mirror.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even register Edward sneaking up behind me. I didn't flinch when he wrapped his arms around my waist. I didn't even blink when he kissed my neck.

"I know that look baby. Where are you at?" He whispered.

"Why do you think bad things happen to good people?" I reached out, almost like I was going to touch the painting. I stopped just before my fingers brushed against the rough canvas, allowing them to linger over my painted shoulder.

"Bad things happen to everyone Bella," he mumbled against my skin. "It doesn't matter if you're good, bad or ugly, they'll happen."

"So it doesn't matter then?" I said softly.

"What?"

"Anything."

"Oh it matters."

"Why?" I captured my bottom lip between my teeth and fought back the tears. "Why does any of the bullshit matter if we're fucked anyway? I mean, what's the point in believing in a future if the past is always going to be there."

He spun me around and forced my eyes up to his. "Because you take your past and you fucking learn from it. It may be shitty and you may have not deserved whatever happened to you, but you're here. You're here with me Bella and this…bullshit?" He motioned between us. "It matters to me."

Somehow the conversation had slipped from hypothetical to the here and now and I completely lost it. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up, allowing my body to melt into his. I latched my legs around his waist as I cried into his shirt, craving desperately to be closer to him. Just a little closer than before. A little closer than ever.

He kissed the top of my head and leaned down to brush his lips against my tear-stained cheek. He didn't complain that I was falling apart or that he had to deal with this breakdown. He just held me, not speaking or questioning anything.

"Don't let go of me…don't…" I stuttered. "Please."

"I won't let go," he whispered.

I convinced myself to believe him even though I knew it would happen eventually. It didn't matter how much someone cared or how close you were. At some point or another it becomes too much for anyone to handle and I don't blame them. Ben was one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life. And he loved me. But it wasn't enough. My demon pushed him away and I was scared to death it was going to do the same to Edward.

I stopped crying eventually, but he kept his promise. He didn't let go of me. He bent down and grabbed my jacket, throwing it over my shoulders. He turned off all the beautiful lights he put up for me and locked up his studio. And then he carried me home.

He carried me past my old studio. Past the group of guys who are always hanging out on the corner. Past the criticizing eyes of a few late night partiers. I barely saw any of it. My head rested lightly on his shoulder and my eyes were completely focused on the frayed seam of his hoodie as my finger ran over it. Back and forth. Back and forth.

"I'm sorry Edward," I whispered.

"It's okay sweetheart." He rubbed my back as we started up the stairs. Dale looked after us, his eyes wide with concern. I offered him a weak wave, letting him know everything was okay. It wasn't. But I didn't need him worrying about me. I didn't need another victim of Hurricane Bella damaged by what she left in her wake. I couldn't even save Edward now. He was trying to save me and he was going to lose himself in the process. I hated myself for doing that to him. He had no idea how broken I really was.

"What the Hell happened?" Alice asked as soon as we walked through the door. Edward shook his head and started towards my bedroom. "Are you okay honey?" She brushed the hair off of my cheek and frowned.

Edward softly closed the door behind us and sat down on the bed. He pulled my jacket off and settled back against the headboard.

"I ruined our first Valentine's Day…" I mumbled.

"You didn't ruin it. I never had a real Valentine before so the fact that I just had one was fucking amazing. And the fact that it was with you, made it a thousand times better than that."

"You never had a Valentine?" I asked.

"Not since Suzie Smith tried to kiss me in second grade."

"Lucky girl." I finally found myself smiling against his shoulder.

"Not really. I kicked her in the shin and ran away."

I laughed, turned my head and pressed my forehead into his shoulder. He threaded his fingers through my hair and shook his head as a small smirk spread across his face.

"I was kind of an asshole…" He laughed.

"I'm glad you were." I looked up at him and rested my arms on his chest. "Otherwise it might be Suzie Smith here with you tonight instead of me."

"Not a chance," he whispered, glancing down at my lips. "It had to be you." He leaned forward and kissed me. "So Jasper will be back here in a couple of weeks. Some kind of bike show or something like that."

"I bet Alice is happy."

"Yeah, yeah." He smiled and rolled his eyes. "Hey I have something I want to ask you, and if you don't want to it's okay."

"I'm sure I'll want to but okay."

"I know your spring break is over a month away but I was wondering…if you didn't have anything planned for it if you'd want to go to L.A. with me for the week?"

"You want me to go to California with you?"

"Yes."

"Edward I don't think I can afford that. I mean I'd love to, but I just…"

"It's taken care of." He shrugged.

"You're not paying for everything."

"I'm not. It just so happens Alice has a photo shoot out there. She convinced her boss that you're her personal assistant."

"So we're going to California?"

"We're going to California." He smiled and kissed me again.

I was beyond excited. I've never been there before and I've always wanted to put my feet in the Pacific Ocean. It sounded like the perfect vacation away from all of this. Beach. Sand. Edward. Bathing Suits. My breath hitched in my throat. I'd have to get in a bathing suit.

"You don't have to wear a bathing suit…" Edward said softly. I relaxed and smiled, relishing the fact that he could practically read my thoughts. I appreciated him more than he knew and I think even more than I realized until that moment. He had no idea why I was the way I was, but he still wanted to protect me from it.

I wrapped my arms tighter around him and pressed my chest close to his. I hummed under my breath when I felt his heart beating against me.

"It seems insignificant doesn't it?" I murmured.

"What does?"

"The beat of a heart. We all take for granted what it really means. It has to beat every minute of every day just for us to survive. It's really terrifying when you think about it. It's the center of everything."

"And you're at the center of mine. So what does that mean?" He grazed his nose softly down my jaw and I shivered as his stubble rubbed against my skin.

"I don't belong there Edward."

"Too fucking bad. I know you think you're cursed or don't deserve to be happy but you're wrong. And I'm going to prove it to you."

I pressed my lips to his and lingered for a moment longer, breathing him in. I rolled off him and pulled the blanket up over our heads. Thank God tomorrow was Saturday. Emotional breakdowns were exhausting and I needed some time to sort through my thoughts. If I didn't have enough personal shit to deal with, I still had a paper to work on and a new ballet move to nail.

Everything was starting to blur together. School. Work. Meetings. Projects. Dancing. Edward. He was the only clear entity in the middle of it all. Almost like everything else was spinning, revolving around him. He wasn't the center of my world….just the best part of it.

* * *

**A/N: Few things to share.**

**Not sure if I'll be updating next week. I'm going through some tough RL things right now and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write this week. So there may or may not be one, just kind depends on how I'm feeling.**

**Secondly, on a slightly happier note, I posted a random o/s the other day so I hope you'll check it out. It's called Chrome and its a really fun lil baby story. **

**Lastly, I can never ever thank you guys enough for all your support. I'm so lucky that I get to do something I love doing and share it with you guys. I know you're all going crazy wondering about Bella's scar but its so important you find out the way you will. I hope you'll stick with it.**

**I always feel like I have more to tell you, but then I always forget so I guess that's it. Have a good week everyone.  
**


	12. Compromise

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

**

* * *

**

**Edward**

I'd been meeting Bella everyday and picking her up from the museum when she was done with her work at night. I didn't bring up her breakdown or her insecurities. That wasn't my place. My place was right beside her when they happened. She didn't need me interrogating her about them. I know she's coming from a dark place. I guess I just want to be the light.

"What do you want to do tonight?" I asked as we walked down the street. I leaned over and placed a kiss on her temple.

"I don't know, what do you want to do?" She smiled and tightened her grip on my hand. I think that there was some part of her that was still a little apprehensive and almost embarrassed about what had happened. She'd been very cautious around me when it came to certain things. Almost like she was afraid that she'd caused some type of damage or cracked the perfect image I have of her. Of course she'd done neither. It was impossible. She was just so fucking anxious and always walking on egg shells. I wanted her to smile again. I mean really smile. From ear to ear: so much that her muscles would start to ache.

We walked through Broadway and I noticed her eyes flicker towards one of the marquees. Another ballet. I felt her pause momentarily before clearing her throat and continuing on.

I bit down on my lip and looked back, wondering if they still had tickets available. "Do you want to go?" I asked. I stopped and pulled her to my side.

"Go where babe?"

"To the ballet. I mean…I want to take you to the ballet. If you want to go?" I cocked my eyebrow and nodded back at the theater.

"No." She looked down. "No it's okay. I mean I know you would probably be bored out of your mind and really it's just a bunch of people jumping around in tights, right? I mean who would want to go see that…" She barely paused to take a breath before she kept rambling on some kind of nonsense. I just smiled and laughed under my breath a little while I waited for her to stop.

"Bella." I took her face in my hands and forced her eyes up to mine. "Do you want to go to the ballet? Because I want to take you."

"Yes," she whispered.

"Okay." I leaned forward and kissed her quickly before pulling her back to the box office. Luckily they had a few seats left for tonight's show and they were relatively cheap since it was last minute. Bella tried to pay for hers but I refused. We hadn't done much since Valentine's Day and I wanted to take her out. So I was going to fucking do it, no questions asked.

Bella was ecstatic for the rest of the day, even though I know she tried to hide it. I don't know why she felt like she needed to do that. I knew that ballet made her happy. I just wanted to get her to admit it.

I took a shower and spent some time cleaning up so I looked halfway decent. I slipped into my paint splattered shoes and stepped out of the bathroom as I fumbled with my tie.

I smirked when I heard the cat call whistle from Bella's bedroom and shook my head.

"Damn it," I whispered. I was never good with ties, which is probably another good reason on why I shouldn't be a doctor. Not only did I avoid all those boring conferences but in all honesty I doubt people would want me operating on them if I have to look up a tutorial online every time my mom tells me to wear a tie.

"Here let me help." Bella stepped in front of me and I was instantly surrounded by her sweet smell. Her delicate hands replaced mine and easily worked their magic on the limp fabric hanging from my neck.

I smiled as I took in her high heels and dark tights caressing her legs. I silently wondered if they were thigh highs and then silently cursed myself for being such a guy.

"What are you smiling about?" She asked.

"Nothing." I reached out and wrapped my arms around her waist as she finished up. My eyes wandered up to her face and found her watching me intently. "You just look really nice, baby."

"Thanks." She bit down on her lip and stepped back. She crossed her arms and smiled. "You look really nice too. I even like the shoes." She nodded down to my feet.

"I didn't really know if they were Broadway appropriate." I shuffled my feet, highlighting the paint speckles.

She shrugged. "They're Edward appropriate and that's all that matters to me. My prince in paint-splattered shoes."

"My lady." I tried to do that crazy bow I'd always seen in Alice's movies when we were kids but I ended up looking ridiculous so I just held out my hand and led us to the door. Dale waved to us as we walked by and I quickly hailed us a cab. I didn't care what Bella said, we weren't fucking walking the whole way. It was freezing again and I knew those shoes would give her blisters. I may not be up to date on all the latest girl fashions, but I can't imagine they're comfortable.

When we pulled up to the theater there was a large group of people standing in line waiting to get in. The marquee was brilliantly lit up, the complete opposite from its dull, lifeless look earlier today. I felt a little out of place as we stood waiting in line. I cowered a little closer to Bella and cleared my throat.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

The older couple standing in front of us turned around and scrunched their noses at us. Bella stared back at them and I couldn't help but laugh.

We waited for about ten more minutes before we got to the door. I handed the man our tickets and he pointed us in the right direction. We both checked our coats and headed towards our seats. I was a little disappointed they were so far back from the stage but I guess I couldn't expect much since we got them at the last minute.

I shook my head and led Bella through the groups of people to our seats. We finally found them and got settled in just as the lights flashed above us, signaling that the show was about to start.

The lights dimmed and the entire theater fell silent. I found myself stealing glances at her, gauging her reaction to all this. I had a feeling she hadn't been to one in awhile and I had no idea how it was going to affect her.

I ran my finger across my chin as I watched her hands wringing nervously in her lap. Her eyes were focused intently on the stage as we waited for the curtain to open. I hated that it made her so nervous and despite my promise to myself to give her time, I couldn't help but wonder why. I hated it.

I sighed and kept my eyes on her as the soft music started playing. I barely registered the curtain opening or the dancers gliding across the stage. It was fascinating seeing her almost let go. Almost. Those walls she put up were still there, but I could see them breaking down. It was all in her eyes. I don't think I've ever seen them sparkle like that. I'd like to think that I could put that kind of life into them, but I knew that I could never fill the shoes that ballet did for her; I'd accepted that. I guess I was just thankful that she had something that she loved so much.

I smiled a little to myself and leaned over to press my lips softly to her neck. I leaned back and took her hand as I turned my head towards the stage. Right before my eyes left her face, I saw the beginning of a smile. The one I'd been looking for. That was it right there.

I honestly didn't care for the ballet myself but I didn't give a fuck. She was happy, so I was happy. At least I think that's what it was. I felt warm all over and I guess that meant something. Hell if I knew exactly what it was, but it felt amazing.

The ballet finished and we were herded with the rest of the crowd out onto the street. I was about to hail a cab when a pink piece of paper caught my eye. It was taped to the pole beside us, the bottom flittering in the wind.

"Ballet lessons," I whispered. Not that Bella needed them but it might benefit her to get into a classroom with people who share her passion. And it never hurts to brush up on things. "Babe?" I pulled her close and nodded at the pole.

"Huh?"

"Ballet lessons."

"I can see that," she laughed. "What about them?"

"Well…I think…maybe it would be good for you to…take some." I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "Not that I think you're bad or anything but it might be good for you."

"No Edward." She shook her head and turned back towards the street.

"Bella…" I started.

"I said no." Her eyes danced back and forth, down each side of the street like she was looking for something to distract her. "I have an idea," she smiled. "Show me some of your art."

"You've seen it all in the studio." I discreetly slipped the paper into my pocket and stepped forward so I could get us a cab.

"No I mean, I want to see your outside stuff. Besides the one I've already seen." She narrowed her eyes at me and I finally understood what she meant. She wanted to see all my graffiti.

"Are you sure? It's cold outside." I pulled her closer and put my arm around her shoulder.

"I'm positive."

"Alright." I got us a cab and told him some random street corner over close to the studio. He seemed a little apprehensive about us being dropped off there but I assured him we were fine. I paid him before he drove off, leaving us alone in the darkness. The alleys were dimly lit by the streetlights that filtered in, but it wasn't much.

"Any you want to see in particular?" I asked.

She perked up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against mine. "Show me everything," she whispered. She lingered a moment before settling back down on her feet.

I smiled and took a step towards her, pushing my chest flush with hers. She backed up until she hit the rough brick of the building and sighed a little. "What are you doing?" She breathed.

"Showing you everything." I grabbed her hand and placed it gently on my chest, right over my heart. I leaned forward and captured her lips in mine. It always amazed me how perfectly we were molded to one another. I mean how often does that really truly happen? Most of the people who say shit like that are lying through their fucking teeth but this was real.

Her fingers fisted my shirt and pulled me closer as I ran my tongue along her bottom lip. "You are so sexy," I mumbled against her lips. I pulled my hand up and ran it across her cheek as the heat of her blush crept onto her face.

"You're making me blush you ass," she teased. She bit down on her bottom lip and shook her head.

"Good. That makes it even better." I leaned down to kiss her again as my hands drifted down to her hips. I pulled them roughly against mine and smirked.

"We better stop or we're going to get arrested for indecent exposure," she sighed and pulled away.

"Why?"

"Because in about two seconds I won't be able to stop myself from having my way with you…right here in the alley." She batted her eyelashes and looked up at me. I had a feeling she knew exactly what she was doing to me, but it didn't stop me from blushing anyway. Bella had never really been that forward before and I guess it surprised me.

"You're blushing…" She raised her eyebrows at me and tried to fight a smile.

"I know."

"Good. That makes it even better." She brushed past me, grabbing my arm and pulling me along the way.

**Bella**

I can't believe I just said that. If the look on Edward's face was any indication of how flustered he was, my insides were about a thousand times worse. _What the fuck?_ That just wasn't really like me. I wonder where the hell it came from.

I tugged him down the alley, giving my beet red face some time to recover. He pulled at his tie, loosening it up enough that it hung limply against his chest.

He stopped us about halfway down the alley and nodded towards the building. It was fairly simple. Just 'AM' painted in block letters, but there was still something exquisitely beautiful about it. I cocked my head to the side and took it all in. I'd seen plenty of graffiti before but there was something about Edward's work that always had that extra something. Almost like you could feel what he was feeling when he did it, or at least what he wanted you to believe he was feeling.

"This was the first one I did in New York…" He mumbled. "I was so used to doing mostly tags back in L.A. that it just felt comfortable to do it."

"Tags?" I turned towards him.

"Yeah it's kind of like…a signature for a graffiti artist. Sometimes like you're claiming it, identifying yourself to the world. It's called a tag or tagging."

"Interesting. How did you get started? I mean…the first night you ever painted. Why'd you do it?"

His brow furrowed for a long time before he answered. "I don't know…I mean I'd gotten in a huge fight with my dad over med school and the fact that I wasn't going. I went for a walk to blow off some steam and ended up in what I thought was the wrong side of town at the time." He leaned back against the building. "I saw a guy painting down by the train tracks and for some reason I just sat and watched him for the rest of the night. He knew I was there, but he didn't say a word. He just painted and I watched. The next night I showed up and he offered me a can." He shrugged. "I guess it just provided some kind of release for me. I never thought my life would turn out like this. Just…wandering around clueless without any direction"

"This doesn't look like wandering around clueless to me. This looks like you know what you want. And not all who wander are lost."

"You stole that from J.R. Tolkien," he said, laughing a little under his breath. "I didn't take you for a Lord of the Rings person."

"I'm not. My dad is. I was hoping you wouldn't notice and just think I'm brilliant." I inched forward and started playing with the buttons on his jacket. "Do you want to paint Edward?"

"Yes," he admitted, glancing over my shoulder. "But I doubt anyone would really want to see it. Like actually fucking see it. Not just with their eyes."

"What's one of your favorite paintings?" I asked.

"Mona Lisa. I know it's really cliché, but there's just something overwhelmingly beautiful about it. She's so mysterious. It's completely inspiring. It changed my life."

"Do you think Da Vinci knew the impact that painting was going to have when he painted it? Do you think when he started out he thought people were going to see his work for what it was? Your paintings could be someone else's Mona Lisa. You can change someone's life Edward."

"I don't know about all that."

"Well I do. Don't worry about your father or your friends or anyone else. Do it for you. I know people would want to see it, buy it. You're so talented and you're not letting anyone see it for what it is."

"Maybe you should take some of your own advice." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Listen, I have some connections at the art museum. They've been working on an amateur artists exhibit for awhile and I know the deadline was before Thanksgiving for artists, but I could get you in. I think it'd be good for you."

"No Bella." He shook his head. I knew he was scared. I understood it almost better than anyone. And I realized in that moment I would do almost anything to get through this because he deserved it.

"I'm willing to offer a compromise." I leaned against the brick wall next to him. "I'll take ballet lessons if you'll show some of your art in the exhibit."

He stuck his hands in his pockets and kicked his adorable little paint splattered shoes around on the ground.

"Okay," he said softly.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you." I smiled and nudged him with my elbow.

"Okay. I'll do it." He looked up at me and I was surprised to find his eyes completely serious.

"Okay." I nodded and reached for his hand.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He whispered. I almost laughed because of the circumstances of our relationship but I just nodded. "You're my new Mona Lisa."

My breath hitched in my throat and I tried not to cry. I wasn't someone who cried over shit like that, but how can you not be affected? How can Edward not affect me? I'm completely altered because of him.

I pressed my forehead against his and kissed his cheek.

He showed me a few of his other pieces before we headed home. I was more exhausted than usual and all I wanted to do was fall asleep next to him.

We slept in the next morning since it was Saturday. Alice generously made us breakfast before she headed to a photoshoot in Midtown.

"We're going to have to go back to Broadway and get the number for the ballet place." I took a bite of my toast and set it back down on my plate.

"No we won't. I slipped it in my pocket last night." Edward smirked and took a bite from my toast.

"Sneaky."

He shrugged and jumped off the bed. He disappeared out into the other room and came back holding the small piece of paper.

"Go for it," he said. He handed me the paper and flopped back down on the foot of the bed. His eyes fluttered shut but I knew he wouldn't fall asleep.

I reached over and grabbed my phone. I hesitated a moment before dialing the number, but I realized I was doing this for Edward. I had to do this for him.

I sighed as it started ringing and ran my foot softly up and down Edward's back.

"Broadway Dance Academy?" A woman's voice answered.

"Yeah hi. I was interested in signing up for a class." I bit down on my lip.

"Alright are you a beginner, intermediate or advanced?"

"I'm not really sure. I used to dance…a lot. I just wanted to take some refresher courses I guess."

"Alright well let's put you in beginner for now and the instructor will be able to see if you should be moved up. There's nothing wrong with going back to basics."

"Yeah. I guess so." I sighed in relief. This wasn't so hard. Maybe Edward was right. This would be good for me.

"Alright we have beginner classes on Tuesdays, will that work for you?"

"Sure."

"Alright name please?" I heard her typing loudly on a keyboard in the background.

"Bella Swan."

"Great. Okay Bella we'll see you Tuesday at eight. Payment is required at each lesson and it's $10."

"Okay thank you." I smiled and hung up. "Your turn," I said to Edward.

"I changed my mind," he mumbled into the blanket.

"Too bad." He wasn't getting out of this. That's not what a compromise was. He agreed.

I quickly dialed Maggie's number and waited.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Maggie it's Bella."

"Bella! How are you?"

"Doing well, listen I have a favor to ask. I know that the deadline was a long time ago but my…boyfriend really, really needs to show some of his art in the exhibit. Is there any way you can squeeze him in?"

"You do realize the show is in a month and a half?" She laughed.

"I know, I know. But you have to trust me, you want him there."

"Is he cute?"

"Adorable."

Edward piped his head up and shook his head in confusion.

"Alright I'll see what I can do. We can probably fit in two pieces from him, but we need to have them a week before the show so we can set up and prepare. What's his name?"

"Edward Cullen."

"As in Alice?" She asked. Maggie had met Alice one time before when we went out for drinks. Cullen wasn't that popular of a name so she must have put two and two together.

"Yes as in Alice. Her brother." My eyes drifted to Edward.

"Interesting. Okay just have him call if he has any questions. Otherwise we'll see him in about a month."

"Thank you so much Maggie."

"No problem."

I hung up and kicked at the boy at the bottom of the bed. "You're in."

He smiled slightly, but I could tell he was apprehensive about the whole thing. I crawled down and curled up right next to him. "You're going to be amazing. You can submit two paintings, I hope that's okay."

We laid there for a long time staring at each other. I watched his back rise up and down with each breath and ran my fingers through his hair.

"I need some paint," he mumbled.

"I need some new dance outfits."

He slowly crept closer and closer and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "Well you know what that means then?"

"No."

"We need to go shopping." He jumped up off the bed and hoisted me over his shoulder.

We stopped at the paint store and I helped him pick out some new paint colors. He also picked up some new canvases and brushes just to start fresh. I had to look up the closest place that sold ballet attire because I honestly had no idea what stores were around here. I wasn't sure if this academy was that strict, but I'd always been instructed to wear certain types of clothing to lessons and I wasn't taking any chances.

I thought for sure Edward would protest about going into the shop when the front window was a tutu party, but he didn't complain…much. He quickly looked around to make sure we weren't being watched before he darted inside.

The woman behind the counter greeted us and asked what we were here for. I was fairly familiar with most of the things I saw around so I told her we'd be fine. She kind of scrunched her nose up at me and smiled at Edward before walking back behind the counter.

I picked up a few leotards and tights before I headed back to the fitting rooms. Edward sat down in the chairs outside and crossed his arms as he waited for me.

As I changed into the first leotard I heard the woman from the front speak.

"So do you or your sister need anything?" She asked.

I laughed a little under my breath and finished up.

"No thank you we're fine," Edward said. "And she's not my sister."

"Oh?"

"No we live together."

I smiled and stepped out of the dressing room. Edward grinned at me as the woman walked away looking disgusted.

"That's hot babe." He nodded.

"Thanks." I stepped in front of the mirror and looked myself over. It gave good coverage in the front and didn't seem too tight. I wasn't used to wearing tights again yet so they weren't that comfortable but I guess I'd get back to it.

Edward stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I could see the woman in the mirror glaring at us.

"What's her problem?" I asked quietly.

"I told her that my dick wasn't interested."

"What?" I gasped. I spun around and slapped his chest. "Why would you say that?"

"Because she wouldn't get off it," he said. I peeked around Edward and narrowed my eyes at the woman. She quickly averted her eyes to some non-existent paperwork on the counter. "And because it's taken."

"Your dick is taken?"

"You dragged me into this girly fucking shop and you think my balls are not in your front pocket?"

"This leotard doesn't have pockets." I grinned.

"Damn it Bella. I mean figuratively." He stomped his foot and I couldn't help but laugh at him getting so frustrated.

"Balls in the pockets," I repeated.

"Yes. Now can we get the fuck out of here?"

"Yes we can."

I went back in the dressing room and changed back into my clothes. We decided not to buy my shit there on principle so I'd have to make another stop at some point this week.

Alice was still gone when we got back. Edward took a shower as I read a little bit for school. I barely noticed him step back inside the room, but almost choked on my pencil when I finally did.

He stood at my closet ruffling through the pile of sweats on the floor in nothing but a towel. His hair was still dripping wet with lines of moisture trailing down his back. He usually changed in the bathroom. I think just to be respectful. The only other time I'd seen him this naked was that first day when he stole my shower time.

"Have you seen my gray sweatpants?" He asked, completely oblivious to the fact that I was openly oogling him. "Bella?" He spun around and froze. "What?"

"N-n-nothing." I bit down on my lip and tried to read again. "And no I haven't seen them."

"What's wrong?" He walked over and stood next to the bed.

"Nothing," I said again, trying to keep my composure. Didn't he understand? I'm sure if I walked around the apartment in nothing but a towel he'd have problems focusing too. Not that I considered myself anything special, but he seemed to think I was.

"Bullshit." He ran his fingers through his hair and I moaned a little under my breath.

"Can you just stop…looking like that?" I screamed a little louder than I planned to.

"Stop looking like what?"

"Like that." I waved my hand at him. "It makes it hard to concentrate."

He smirked and lowered his chin. "Why's that?"

"Because."

"Because why? You can say it."

"Say what?"

"You think I'm sexy." He nodded and turned back around. After a few moments I saw a flash of color and heard the towel hit the floor.

I couldn't help but look. It was like taking a kid who'd never had chocolate to a candy store and telling him not to look. I…had to look.

Edward just kept going about his business, completely bare-assed in all his glory. I could only imagine the smug look on his face.

I set my book down and stood up. I picked his towel up off the floor and tapped his back. "I think you dropped something," I said softly. My finger lingered on his moist skin and trailed further down his back.

My breathing picked up as he turned around. I didn't look down, but I knew _it _was there. Even though I hadn't been formally introduced to Edward Jr. I would still consider him an aquaintance and I didn't want to stare.

"Thanks." He reached out and took the towel from my hands. I stood there completely frozen.

He leaned down and kissed me as I reached out slowly for his stomach. I ran my finger down his abs, stopping just below his hip. I wanted to touch him. I wanted every inch of him against my skin and I didn't even feel embarrassed about it anymore. I wanted to make him feel good.

I took a deep breath before I backed away from him and sat back down on the bed. "Come here."

As he walked towards me I took the time to fully appreciate him. God he was beautiful. I didn't try to hide the fact that I was watching him, but forced my eyes up to his when he came to stand before me.

"I want to…" I gulped hard. "I want to touch you."

His eyes narrowed, conflicted but he didn't stop me when I reached out for him. He hissed a little when I finally touched him.

"Bella you don't…" He shook his head.

I started moving my hand slowly against him, gauging his reaction. I wrapped my other hand around his waist and gently pulled him down onto the bed with me. He fell on top of me, allowing just enough space between us. He braced his arms on either side of my head and closed his eyes tightly.

Ben and I had never done anything like this before. We'd fooled around but it was never like this. Never this intense. Never this consuming.

Edward lowered his head a little and pressed his lips against my neck as his hips starting slowly thrusting into my palm.

"Bella," he whispered. He kissed the fabric covering my scar, almost like he knew it was there. He picked up his pace and I followed suit, not really sure what I was doing. I prayed that I wasn't terrible at it. I wasn't that experienced and I didn't want to disappoint him.

He groaned and a stuttered sigh escaped his lips before he stilled.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. He waited a few moments for his breathing to calm before he rolled over. I reached for a Kleenex from the nightstand and quickly cleaned my hand up before curling up beside him.

"Was that okay?" I asked.

"If that's what I get for going to a tutu store with you, sign me up for daily trips," he sighed.

I smiled and snuggled into his chest. He didn't bother getting dressed. He just pulled the covers over us.

"Bella I think I l…" He started.

"You think you what?" I looked up at him through the darkness.

"I think…I like when you do that." He had this strange look on his face almost like he'd said too much and I think a part of me knew the truth. He loved me. He really, truly loved me. And I knew my truth too. I loved him even more.

* * *

**A/N: I am so unbelievably sorry for the lack of updates in the past few weeks. If you follow me on twitter you know that my grandmother did pass away so I had to deal with the emotional and physical things regarding that and to be completely honest I had no motivation to write. And even when I did I knew it would just be shit and I don't want to give you guys shit so I hope this chapter wasn't disappointing. It actually went in a different direction than I planned, but I think it was a great progression in their relationship and as individuals as well so it's all good. Hopefully next chapter won't be as long of a wait.**

**Just a few quick announcements:**

**I have a piece in the Fandom for Preemies compilation. I've included a short teaser below but for a donation of even just $5 you can get my piece and EVERY SINGLE OTHER PIECE donated by the participating authors. It's a great cause you guys and you get a lot of great stories for cheap, so I hope you'll consider donating.**

**Secondly I have a new plot bunny I'm working on, I've posted a blog for the story as well as the preface if you'd like to check it out. It was inspired by Beauty and the Beast (weird I know) but I'm so incredibly excited about it and would love for you to visit the blog. It also has a great playlist on there. The blog is www . bnbfic . blogspot . com**

**Lastly,**

**The one shot contest I'm running has a ff page, so if you're interested in reading the entries once they start posting (and you will want to, trust me) make sure to put it on alert. Our penname is ossoundtrack**

**Thank you guys again for your patience. XOXO**


	13. Two Steps Back

**A/N: I'm apologizing in advance if this format looks wonky, I'm on a library computer and had to copy and paste. As always, I do not own Twilight and kdillin is my fuckawesome beta. *cheers***

* * *

**Bella**

"Babe you have to get going. You're going to be late." Edward glanced up at the clock and narrowed his eyes at me.

"I'm nervous." My hands were shaky as I put the rest of my stuff in my bag. I tugged anxiously at my outfit and wondered if this was a bad idea. I'd been a wreck all day. Siobhan even sent me home early from the museum because my head was all over the place and I couldn't concentrate.

"You're going to do great."

"How do you know?" I bit my lip and slung my bag over my shoulder.

"Because you're Bella fucking Swan that's why." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed my forehead as we started towards the door. He walked me to the academy building and said he was going to go paint and come back to get me later. I kissed him and quickly headed inside.

There was a small waiting room with several chairs and stacks of magazines. I assumed this was for parents waiting for their kids to get done. The small desk in the corner housed a short, stout woman who smiled at me and waved me over.

"Welcome, you're here for a class I assume?" She nodded to my bag.

"Yes."

"Name please."

"Bella Swan."

She searched through her papers and finally checked my name off. "Alright Miss Swan will you be paying cash or credit card?"

"Cash." I dug in my bag and handed her some money. She pointed me towards the door to the right and told me to go on in.

I thanked her and adjusted my bag once more before I shuffled over and opened the door. Several small groups of people were scattered around the room talking to each other. Most of them looked to be in their teens, maybe a few my age or older. An older woman standing towards the front just stood and watched with her arms crossed. By her demeanor and stance I figured she was the instructor. She seemed a far cry from the nice lady out front and that scared me a little bit.

Her dark hair was slicked back into the perfect bun at the nape of her neck and her minimal makeup was flawless. I could tell from here that her nails were perfectly manicured. For some reason I felt a little guilty and looked down at my short, uneven nails.

I cleared my throat and sat down so I could put my shoes on, but I could feel her watching me. I glanced up slyly and narrowed my eyes at her. I already decided she was a bitch. Probably had plastic on her furniture at home. Anyone with that kind of cold-hearted look on her face has to have some serious issues.

She walked to the middle of the class and just stood there waiting. The other people in the room instantly silenced their conversation and formed uniform lines in front of her.

The rest of the class was an absolute blur. I felt like less than a beginner; fumbling over my own feet and completely forgetting everything I knew. I was working twice as hard as everyone else and doing twice as bad.

"That's all for today," the instructor said. She retreated back to the corner and watched as we packed up.

I was putting my shoes into my bag when I felt her cold demeanor pass over me.

"Name?" She asked.

I looked up and swallowed hard. "Bella Swan."

"You need to work on your technique. Have you danced before?"

"Yes ma'am." I stood up and slung my bag over my shoulder.

"I wouldn't have known." She turned and walked away, leaving me completely frozen.

I tried to hold back the tears as I hurried outside. The woman at the desk smiled at me but I barely noticed.

Edward was just walking in the door and I almost ran right into him. The moment I smelled him I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head into his chest.

"Hey," he laughed. "How'd it go?"

I felt the warm tears start to slip down my cheeks and onto his shirt.

"That good huh?" His voice turned serious as he pulled me out the door.

We walked in silence back to his studio.

"She said I sucked," I whispered.

"I doubt she said that Bella." He sat down on the futon and pulled me down beside him.

"She might as well have." I leaned into his shoulder and closed my eyes.

He turned his head and kissed my cheek. "Will you dance for me?"

I shook my head. The last thing I wanted to do right now is dance. I would feel like the person who keeps bringing over food after they tell you you're the worst cook in the world.

"Please?" He brushed his lips just below my ear and trailed down to my neck. "Please Bella…" He swiped his tongue across my skin and I shivered.

"Okay," I stuttered. "Only if you do."

"You want me to dance?" He pulled back and laughed. I nodded and stood up. "Bella I don't fucking dance."

"Please?" I leaned down and kissed him. "Please Edward…"

He sighed and stood up from the futon. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing," he mumbled.

"Just follow my lead." I lifted our hands above my head and slowly twirled around. He reached out and lightly placed his hand on my waist, just soft enough to let me move. I stopped and allowed my leg to drift back and up, right along the line of his body. He took a deep breath as his fingers ghosted up my thigh and rested finally on my calf.

I quickly spun around as Edward dipped me towards the ground.

"Was that okay?" He breathed. His eyes were wide with panic as he looked me over, almost checking to see if he broke me.

"That was perfect," I smiled.

He lifted me back up and I started dancing around him. He smirked and watched me twirl and jump and pose for him.

"Okay your turn," I teased.

He shook his head. "I don't think so. I can't even think about lifting my leg that high. I'll rip my damn jeans."

"I think I'd be okay with that." I bit down on my lip and smiled.

"Oh would you?" He took a step forward and I backed up. I backed all the way up until I nearly stumbled over his easel. He smiled slightly and reached out for a tube of paint. Before I could react he slipped some on his finger and wiped it across my cheek.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" I wiped my hand across my cheek and it came back smeared with bright blue.

"Because I could. And you're really adorable when you're pissed." He leaned in close and sighed. "I think it's what made me fall for you in the first place."

I couldn't help but smile when he said shit like that. Edward was gifted with the art of charm even when you wanted to punch him.

"Take your shirt off," I said.

"What?"

"You heard me." I scanned through his tubes of paint and found the red I was looking for. When I turned back around I found his bare skin in front of me and I blushed a little. I squirted a little blob of paint on my fingertip and started tracing the shape on his chest. When I was finished I scribbled a 'B' in the middle and stepped back. The ragged heart was way less than perfect, but some reason it affected me and seemed a little more than perfect for us. Neither of us claimed to be something we weren't. I knew he was stubborn and vulnerable and he knew I was broken. Somehow those two damaged goods molded into a flawless love. It didn't apologize or rationalize or try to justify anything…it just existed. I think that's the best kind.

By the time we started back to the apartment I had five different colors on my face and arms and Edward's handprints on my ass. I made sure to return the favor and managed to write "I like turtles" across Edward's forehead before he pulled away.

Alice was gone like usual when we got back. I was used to her not being around much. It was just part of her job. I missed her a lot but I didn't mind it so much with Edward here.

"Do you want to shower first or should I?" He walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

"Um… I guess you can go ahead." I played with my hair as I watched him pull his shirt over his head. As soon as he dropped his pants and stepped inside I felt this overwhelming sadness take hold of my entire body as it hit me. He was completely naked. And it had nothing to do with his body. He'd shown me himself. All of him.

I was angry with myself. I was angry that Edward had been nothing but open with me since our relationship started and I still kept him out of the deepest parts of me. It wasn't fair and I felt so guilty for doing that to him. I was a terrible person and he was the epitome of the best.

I took a deep breath and stepped inside the steam filled bathroom. I wiped a small circle in the mirror and stared at myself for a long moment before I slipped my leotard off my shoulders. I froze when I spotted my scar through the mist, but I bit down on my lip and allowed the fabric to fall away completely. I shimmied out of the sweatpants I was wearing and stepped out of my tights until I was completely naked.

I turned towards the shower and listened for a long time. The sound of the water was almost calming in a sense. I knew what I was about to do was huge and I wasn't immune to that fact. My hands were shaking. I felt like my chest was so tight that I couldn't breathe. But somehow I knew this was important. And not just to Edward or for Edward. It was for me. I was allowing myself to feel completely by allowing him into that secret part of me. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be ready for this. But it was here. Maybe it was a sign that everything was finally getting back to normal. Maybe better than normal because I don't ever remember feeling this complete even before everything happened. A part of me was missing. And now I know what it was because I found it in him.

I closed my eyes, took another deep breath and stepped into the shower.

**Edward**

My heart fucking sank when she started crying into my shirt after her first lesson. I was about to go kick someone's ass before I found out who the bully was. I was convinced it was some preppy chick who had her ballet shoes tied a little too tight.

I just pulled Bella close and looked across the room. I narrowed my eyes at the bitchy-looking chick staring at us from another doorway. She's the one.

"Miss Charlotte, your next class is in an hour…" The woman at the desk mumbled.

Miss Snooty spun on her heel and walked into the other room before I could flip her the bird or tell her that her hair looked like it could house a population of nesting birds.

When Bella told me it was her instructor I debated going back and painting dicks all over her studio but then I decided that was immature…even for me.

I danced to make her feel better. There was nothing else on this damn earth that would push me to embarrass myself like that other than to make her happy. I guess the paint was just a little payback for unconsciously owning me.

The shower was actually a nice way to wind down for the night. I was a little worried all this paint wouldn't come off, but the swirling colors going down the drain proved me wrong.

I stepped underneath the water and ran my fingers through my hair when I felt her step in with me.

"Bella?" I spit the water from my mouth as I stumbled to find the words.

Her bare flesh stood in front of me completely exposed…well almost. Her arms were instinctively crossed over her chest. She looked terrified.

"Hi," she whispered.

"Baby what are you doing?" I stepped forward and ran my fingers through my dripping wet hair.

"I just…" She shook her head and turned her head towards the tile wall. "I'm sorry this was a mistake." I saw a tear run down her cheek as she reached for the shower curtain.

"Hey…" I grabbed her arm. "Stay." I slowly pulled her close to my chest and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face into my skin as I backed us up under the water. I grabbed the soap from beside me and started rubbing it down her arms and back. When I was finished I reached for the shampoo and squirted some on top of her head. As I massaged it into her hair she loosely put her arms around my waist. I shivered as her fingertips gently brushed across my lower back and leaned down to kiss her cheek.

I spun us around so she was right under the water and washed all the soap from her hair. Her fingers traveled up my back and around to my chest. She looked up at me from under her long darkened lashes and smiled slightly.

I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers. She sighed into my mouth and took my bottom lip between her teeth, sucking me in. My hands gravitated to her neck where my thumb gently traced down to her collarbone and across. I unconsciously knew I was close to it, whatever it was.

She tensed and took a deep breath before slightly stepping away. I knew exactly what she was doing. She was showing herself to me. Her arms were hanging at her sides and I knew if I just looked down I would see it. For some reason I just couldn't do it. I didn't want her to think that was all I cared about. I knew how important and hard this was for her and the last thing I wanted to do was cheapen it. Of course I wanted to know, but it wasn't the most important thing to me.

My eyes connected with hers and I could tell she was just waiting. There was a paralyzing fear behind them and I suddenly realized she wasn't waiting for me to look. She was waiting for me to look and run.

I took a step forward and pushed my chest flush with hers. I leaned down to her ear and lightly kissed the skin below it. "I'm not going anywhere," I whispered.

She relaxed slightly against me as I ran my tongue along her skin. My fingers danced down her neck, following the streams of water down the contours of her flesh. I continued down over towards her left shoulder and down when I felt the soft ridge I expected. My lips trailed down slowly to meet my fingers and I brushed them across the puckered skin. I sucked and caressed it for a few moments before I pulled back and opened my eyes.

There it was. In the middle of her smooth flesh was a scar. It couldn't have been much more than an inch. The skin around it was completely untouched and the scar looked clean and precise.

I didn't allow my eyes to linger on it too long. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. She knew I'd seen it. It was out in the open, no longer a secret. And despite the fact that I was grateful to her for showing it to me, it opened up a whole new line of questions. What was it from? Was she okay? Did someone hurt her? I hated myself for wanting more so I pushed all my questions away and just…loved her. I loved her.

I leaned down and pressed my lips against it once more before returning to her mouth. She whimpered and pulled herself closer to me. I dropped my hand from where it had settled on her cheek down to her hip.

I leaned us both back against the tile, pushing my chest slightly against hers. I hissed when she reached down and touched my hardened flesh that was settled between us. I didn't want this to be about sex. It wasn't about it at all. I just wanted to be close to her, but the intensity of the moment was fucking consuming.

"Edward," she breathed. "I want you."

I instinctively thrust my hips forward as she moved her hand against me. I knew we couldn't do what she wanted. Not yet. She wasn't ready. And if she wasn't ready then I wasn't ready.

"Not yet," I mumbled against her lips. She forced her teeth down on my lip as I tried to move away.

"Please," she purred. "Please…"

"Bella…" I pulled back slightly and kissed her cheek. My hands found their way to her breasts as I drifted down to her neck.

She arched into my hands and moaned as I continued south. Her brow furrowed in confusion as I slowly knelt down in front of her. She ran her hands through my hair and shook her head. "What are you doing?"

"Lift up your leg baby," I whispered.

She raised her left leg slightly as her hand grazed across the stubble on my jaw. I grabbed hold of her leg and placed it over my shoulder.

"Just relax." I licked my lips and slowly inched towards her center. I flicked my tongue out to taste her before completely diving in.

She moaned and closed her eyes as my mouth devoured her. Her fingers fisted tightly in my hair and pulled me impossibly closer. I scooted in, bringing her leg higher and allowing me deeper inside her.

Behind the mask of the shower water, I could taste everything that she was. Sweet and beautiful. She was all I fucking wanted.

I pushed myself deeper, kissing and sucking her flesh. Her entire body shuddered and she fell silent as her jaw went slack. I peeked up at her, not wanting to miss this moment. Watching Bella come undone was one of the most mesmerizing things I've ever seen.

I kissed her softly one last time before slowly rising to my feet. I turned towards the stream of water to wash myself off, but she grabbed my arm and captured my mouth in hers. I smirked against her lips, knowing that she could taste herself on me and she didn't fucking care.

We took our time finishing up in the shower. After I washed myself off one more time I shut off the water and opened the curtain. I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my waist before grabbing one for Bella. As she stepped out, I pulled it around her and brought her close.

"Thank you for loving me…" She whispered. "I know we haven't said it yet and I'm not…" She shook her head. "I'm not trying to pressure you or con you into it. I just wanted you to know that I can feel it."

"I can feel it too." I smiled and pressed my lips softly against hers one last time before opening the bathroom door.

We shuffled to the bedroom and started changing into our pajamas. It was kind of nice to not worry about changing in the bathroom now. Not that I was some perv and wanted to watch her change all the time, but there was just no reason for it.

"Weird," Bella said from behind me. I pulled on my sweatpants and turned around.

"What?"

"I have a missed call from my dad." She shrugged and put her phone up to her ear as she leaned back against the headboard. I sat down beside her and started playing with her hair. "Hey Dad." She turned towards me and smiled. "What?" All the blood drained from her face and she shook her head. "I forgot."

I sat up and turned towards her, wondering what the hell was going on. I could hear her father talking and even though I couldn't understand every word I could tell he was fucking pissed.

"I said I forgot okay!" Bella screamed. "I'm sorry." She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest. "I'll call and reschedule…Yes I know it's important, I just…" She bit down on her lip. "Okay fine. Bye."

She threw down her phone and buried her head in her knees.

"Bella?" I moved closer and rubbed her back. "Babe? What's going on?" I kissed the top of her head as she started rocking back and forth. I didn't understand how we could go from absolute utopia to this in a matter of moments. What the fuck did he say to her?

We sat there in silence for ten minutes as I stroked her back and told her everything was going to be okay. "Bella please don't shut me out…" I whispered.

"I'm fine." She instantly straightened up and cleared her throat.

"What'd he want?"

"I just missed an appointment I had. That's all."

"What kind of appointment?"

"Just an appointment. It's fine. I'll call them tomorrow."

I hated this fucking avoidance shit just as much as I hated it the first time. One step forward and two steps back right? That's the way it always was.

"I find it hard to believe that he'd be that pissed about a stupid appointment Bella." I knew my voice was harsh, but I couldn't help it. I was irritated and I couldn't hide that from her.

"You don't understand my dad." She reached over and turned off the light before snuggling into bed. She turned away from me and I was left completely frozen, propped up on my elbows waiting for some kind of answer. I knew I wasn't going to get it.

"Then why don't you tell me? Huh?" I groaned. "Why don't you fucking tell me Bella?" I crawled over her and forced her to look at me. "I'm sick of this bullshit, if you aren't going to be straight with me then what the hell are we doing?" I screamed.

Her eyes danced back and forth, wide with panic and uncertainty as they stared back at me. Her lips never moved. Never uttered the truths I wanted to hear. They lay flat and hard as stone.

"Fuck this." I jumped up and grabbed a pillow from the bed. As I left the bedroom, I slammed the door behind me and swore again under my breath. Part of me felt bad for leaving her like that. I knew she was terrified. I knew something was so paralyzing to her that she couldn't tell me, but I was at my breaking point. And I just snapped.

I flung the pillow down on the couch and plopped down on top of it. I told myself to calm down, but I was way too fired up. I could almost feel my heart beating out of my chest.

After a half hour of trying to go to sleep I got up and reached for my jacket. I paused and looked at her door for a long moment. A small part of me said to just go to her. Just open the damn door and crawl back into bed. I was sorry for blowing up. She was sorry for her discretion. But I didn't.

For the first time in a long time, I went out alone. I went back to the streets. I went back to graffiti. I went back to feeling lonely as shit.

* * *

**A/N: If you didn't take a look already, make sure to check out BreathofTwilight's Halloween Countdown because I'm in it! The o/s were anonymous originally but she's posted the list of authors as well as the huge collab all the authors did at the end. I highly recommend you go read all the o/s because they're fabulous, but if you just want to check mine out I've posted it on my profile as well. It's called Suck It Scooby and it was so much fun to write. **

**I've also contributed an original one shot to the Fandom for Preemies compilation that you can donate to starting TODAY! I've received the compliation already and I'm telling you it's worth a minimal $5 donation. It's over 1,000 pages of awesomeness. Yes you read right, OVER 1,000 PAGES! Make sure to visit the Fandom for Preemies website for more details on how to contribute and receive the compilation. **

**Again if you haven't checked out the prologue for my upcoming story please do. It's up on its blog www . bnbfanfic . blogspot . com If you like dark stories inspired by Disney then you'll love it : )**

**Lastly, I will be hosting the readalong this Friday at 8 p.m. for Welcome to Paradise by the lovely Suzie55 so please join us on twitter for some fun.**

**I think that's all I have for you right now. Thanks so much for reading :) Tune in next time for the new episode of the Graffitiward and Bellarina drama/love fest.**


	14. A Beautiful, Perfect, Amazing Mess

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer yada yada you know the drill. **

**And my beta kdillin is amazin'. just sayin'.  
**

* * *

**Bella**

I jumped with the slam of the door and cursed under my breath. He didn't leave. He didn't. He said that he wouldn't. Maybe I just imagined it, dreamed it?

He always said that he understood that I couldn't tell him everything yet. It'd taken almost every ounce of strength I had to show him my body and he still wanted more. I guess I couldn't blame him for being upset, but at the same time we have an understanding. Or I thought we did.

"Edward?" I called. Silence. "Edward?"

I sat up and stared at the bedroom door, knowing that he'd come in any minute. He'd trip over his feet and shrug his shoulders and sigh. And then he'd crawl into bed with me and hold me because we know we're both sorry for how we acted.

I counted the amount of breaths I took waiting for him. 245. They came quicker and quicker with each passing moment as the panic started to rise in me. He wasn't coming. He left the apartment. He left me.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and grabbed my blanket before shuffling across the room. I hesitantly opened the door and peeked out into the living room. The entire apartment was still.

I walked out into the room and glanced towards the couch. Empty just like I assumed it would be, except for his pillow. I took a deep breath and pulled it close to me as I sat down. "I'm sorry Edward," I whispered.

I ran my fingers through my hair and laid back. I gasped as the front door flew open and he bounded inside. He slammed the door behind him and cursed. He grabbed his hair and tugged as he kicked the pile of shoes by the door. He froze as soon as he spotted me and sighed.

"Hi," I whispered.

"I didn't even make it around the block…" He shook his head and crossed the floor to me. He knelt down in front of me and took my face in his hands. "Not even around the block." He pressed his forehead against mine. I couldn't control the tears that fell freely from my eyes. They slipped down my cheeks and splashed against his fingers.

"What does it mean?" I murmured.

"It means that I love you." He pressed his lips against mine as I continued to cry against his skin. "I love you, do you understand?" He mumbled against my lips.

I nodded as he laid us back onto the couch. I loved the feeling of him on top of me, contouring his body to every inch of mine. I felt safe. I felt wanted. I felt loved.

I whimpered and reached for the hem of his shirt. He sat up and quickly pulled it over his head in one fluid motion. My hands ghosted up around his neck and down his warm chest as it rose up and down with each breath. As they drifted lower and brushed across the hem of his sweatpants he froze.

"Bella…" He said. He knew what I was asking and I knew it scared him. It scared me.

"Please," I asked.

He leaned down and stared into my eyes for a long time, looking for some kind of confirmation. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure about you." I pulled him back down to me. It took him a moment to loosen up but he finally did. I think he knew how big this was for me and he didn't want me to have any regrets, but he didn't understand. I could never look back on him and regret any of our time together. My biggest regret would be confining myself to nothingness like I did before him. I can feel something. And I know it has everything to do with him.

His lips traveled down my jaw and settled on the soft spot right where my neck met my shoulder. His tongue dipped out and swept along my collarbone as he slowly lifted my shirt from my body. He pulled away for a moment and I lifted my arms so he could get it off. I made quick work of his sweatpants, pulling them and his boxers down as far as they would go. He lifted his legs and threw them down on the floor with my shirt. I reached behind me and attempted to undo the clasp of my bra but he stopped me.

He gently grabbed my wrists and spun me around, pulling my back closer to his chest. His fingers trailed down my spine and rested along the line of my bra before he slowly undid it. I closed my eyes as he inched the straps off my shoulders, allowing them to fall lightly against my arms. He dropped his mouth to my neck again before traveling up to my ear. He kissed the spot just below before nibbling lightly on my earlobe. I barely registered his hand drifting south over my bare stomach until it dipped into my sweatpants.

I arched my back into him as he brushed his fingers against me. His other hand found my breast and pushed the rest of the fabric away. His fingers slowed and inched along my body, exploring tediously with each passing moment. My jaw fell slack and a soft moan escaped my lips as he brushed over my most sensitive spot, almost sending me over the edge.

"Again," I demanded.

He did it again and again and I felt my entire body stiffen. I cried out and fell back against him, sweaty and swimming in the scent of him. I arched my neck back and captured his lips in mine. He slowly spun me around and removed his hand from my sweatpants. I shivered at the loss of contact and unconsciously forced my hips against him. He groaned and pushed himself against me in response.

He gently laid me back down on the couch and reached for the hem of my pants. He hesitated one last time until he saw I wasn't backing down. I wanted this. I wanted him like this.

"Make love to me Edward," I whispered.

He set his jaw and ran his fingers across my cheek. They landed softly on my lips and I opened my mouth, taking them sweetly inside. I grazed my teeth lightly across his skin. He clenched his eyes tight and hummed before leaning down to kiss my neck. He replaced both of his hands down at the hem of my pants and slowly pushed them down, catching my underwear along the way. His tongue traveled down across my breasts, over my scar and down to my navel as I pushed my pants the rest of the way down my legs. He sat back and slowly pulled them off each leg.

I suddenly got nervous, sitting there completely naked in front of him. I mean I know we just showered together, but this was different. He could see everything and I thought I'd be more self-conscious. He was the first person to see me like this, immeasurably vulnerable. I took a deep breath and realized I was more nervous about being nervous than actually experiencing it.

He crawled back up my body and hovered above me. I could feel his length pressing against me, hard and waiting.

"It's going to hurt isn't it?" I whispered.

"It might. I'm sorry, do you not want to?" He brushed my hair away from my face.

"No I want to. I can deal with pain." I nodded and swallowed hard. "I'm okay."

He nodded slowly and reached over my head, searching in his bag. He pulled out the small foil square and ripped it open with his teeth. He reached down between us and slipped it on himself before bracing himself on either side of my head.

I bit down on my lip as his eyes connected with mine. He slowly inched forward, barely pushing inside me. He tried to control the deep moan that escaped his throat probably because he didn't want to rush me. I knew how tough this must be for him.

"It's okay," I whispered. "It's okay," I repeated. He took a deep breath and leaned down to kiss me as he pushed the rest of the way inside. My body was completely paralyzed momentarily from the sharp pain that shot through me, but it was gone just as quick. I didn't even realize I'd bit his lip until I tasted the blood in my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I breathed. "I'm so sorry."

"Baby it's okay. You have no idea how amazing you feel." He leaned his forehead down to mine and we sat there for a few minutes. Part of me wondered if he was just giving me time to adjust, but I felt like it was more than that. We'd never been this close before and the feeling was completely debilitating. It overwhelmed my entire being.

He slowly began moving in and out of me, picking up his pace each time he looked into my eyes. I reached around and clung to his back as my hips started moving in sync with his. I've never felt so complete, so whole. There was nothing left of the shattered broken self I'd become. That was gone, for now at least. I wasn't naïve enough to think it was gone forever. But right now? In this moment, all that mattered was me and him.

I crashed into my release a moment before he did and was left breathless and shaking, writhing beneath him as I rode it out.

He hummed and rested his head on my bare chest. He kissed the sweat soaked skin there and looked up at me. I knew he was anticipating the freak-out, but I felt completely content.

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his mess of hair before drifting off to sleep. I wanted to stay up all night with him but I was exhausted. My entire body felt like jelly and I don't think either of us even thought about moving to the bed.

The last thing I remember before falling asleep was Edward pulling a blanket over both of us and snuggling back into the crook of my neck.

I woke up the next morning to the feel of his breath across my skin. I shivered and smiled before I opened my eyes and looked around.

It was morning, that much I knew. The curtains couldn't even block out the bright sunshine coming from outside. The dreary days of winter were starting to fade away. The snow was still heavy on the ground, but the edge of spring was almost here.

I debated getting up and making us breakfast but I was a little stuck to say the least. I bit my lip and contemplated ways to get up.

"Don't even fucking think about it…" Edward mumbled.

"What was I thinking?"

"That your beautiful body was going to be leaving this couch anytime soon…" He slowly opened his eyes and glanced up at me. He sat up and stretched his arms over his head as a long yawn escaped his lips.

I blushed a little at the sight of him, still completely naked and draped in nothing but a blanket.

"See something you like?" He cocked his eyebrow and smirked. He stretched his arms across the back of the couch and leaned back. "I'm so exhausted," he mumbled.

I smiled and pulled myself onto his lap. His smile fell into a lazy grin as his fingers found rest on my hipbones.

"What are you doing?" He asked. I bent down and started kissing his neck, laughing a little when his stubble tickled my lips.

"Don't worry about it," I mumbled against his skin. I reached down between us and found him already hard. I stroked up and down his length a few times before lifting my hips up to meet him.

"Oh my God!" Alice shrieked.

"Oh my God!" I whipped around at the sound of her voice and pulled the blanket to cover myself up. It ripped away from Edward, leaving him completely exposed.

"Oh my God!" Alice screamed again, rushing to cover her eyes.

"Fuck Bella!" Edward groaned. He reached for his pillow to cover himself up.

"I didn't hear you come in Alice." My voice squeaked at the end.

"Obviously!" She stomped her foot and pointed towards my bedroom. "Edward I know we bathed together as babies but I swear to God if I see your thingy one more time I'm going to vomit."

I hopped off the couch with Edward and we shuffled down the hallway like we'd just got caught messing around by our parents. I laughed a little at his bare ass walking into my room. As soon as I closed the door we both started laughing hysterically. He dropped the pillow and wrapped his arms around me, pressing me gently against the door. I turned my head and laughed again when I heard Alice getting the Lysol out of the closet.

**Edward**

Two weeks after what I call Couch-Gate, we were leaving for Los Angeles. Alice could barely look at me. I was pretty sure my dick had scarred her for life.

I hailed a cab for the airport and loaded our luggage into it.

"Where's Bella?" I asked Alice.

"She said she had to make a phone call," she mumbled. She jumped into the cab and told the driver where we were going.

"I'll run up and get her." I motioned to the driver to wait a minute before jogging back into the building. I made my way up the stairs and back to the apartment.

When I opened the door Bella was sitting on the couch talking on her phone. Her eyes shifted to me momentarily before glancing back out the window.

"Yeah next week Thursday is good. Thanks." She sighed and smiled at me as she hung up.

"Who was that?"

"I had to reschedule my appointment." She stood up and reached for my hand. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." I pulled her close and kissed the side of her head as we started out of the apartment.

The flight was long as fuck and I was irritated and tired when we stepped off the plane. Jasper was of course there to meet us and Alice immediately leaped into his arms. I had a feeling they were communicating more than she led on. Especially after they started making out.

"Jesus, fuck," I murmured. "Can you wait until we get home so I don't have to see that?"

Alice narrowed her eyes at me. "This does not even compare to what I walked in on a few weeks ago. If I hadn't screamed I'm sure you two would have fucked right in front of me."

"Nice," Jasper laughed.

Bella blushed and cowered into my side.

"Can you believe we're finally here babe?" I quickly pressed my lips to hers to distract her from feeling embarrassed.

"No. It's going to be amazing." She smiled.

We made our way back to Jasper's place and agreed to meet Emmett and Rose for lunch. It felt good to be back here again. Familiar, but still not home. I'd never felt as at home as I have back in New York. Or maybe it was Bella. She was home to me.

"You son of a bitch!" Emmett laughed as we walked through the door of the café. "How are you?" He gave me a bear hug and kissed Bella quickly on the cheek. Rosalie said a quick hello and settled back into her seat.

Emmett and Jasper said that business was going great, despite the struggling economy. I silently wondered if I should take Bella on a ride; I'm sure they would let me borrow a bike.

"Are you ready to hit the beach?" Rosalie asked.

"Oh…I don't have a bathing suit," Bella mumbled. I squeezed her hand and took a sip of my water.

"We'll get you one." Rose smiled and I knew she had good intentions, but it worried me a little. I didn't think Bella was ready. "You can't come to L.A. and not go shopping."

"Yeah I guess." Bella forced a smile and shrugged.

"Baby you don't have to go if you don't want to…" I whispered.

"It's fine."

"Okay."

We finished up the rest of our meal and started towards the store. We were going to drop the girls off and head to the bike shop so they could show me everything they'd done with it.

I started to get pissed as we got closer and closer to the store because I realized which one they were going to.

"Rose…" I snapped.

"She doesn't work here anymore. I came in here last month and they said she got fired." Rose shrugged and stepped inside.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked.

"Nothing."

We followed the rest of them inside and I automatically scanned the room looking for her red hair. I didn't have the patience to deal with her shit right now and I didn't want to expose Bella to it either.

Rose and Alice started browsing through the bathing suits, pulling out a few for themselves and holding a few up for Bella.

I did one last scan around the store before pulling out my wallet and handing Bella my credit card. "It's on me." I leaned down and kissed her. "And those sheer cover ups over there." I nodded to the wall. "Those are really sexy." I knew there was no way she'd feel comfortable not having one but I didn't want to make it obvious. That would cover her up and still be beach appropriate. I didn't really want her parading around in a scrap of fabric anyway.

"Thank you." She breathed a sigh of relief and kissed me again.

As I was about to spin around to head out the door I immediately froze at the sound of her voice

"Edward," Tanya purred.

"Tanya," I sighed.

"Edward?" Bella lightly grabbed my arm and stepped next to me.

Tanya and Bella stared at each other, their eyes full of questions.

"Tanya this is my girlfriend Bella, Bella this is Tanya." I put my arm protectively around Bella's waist.

"Girlfriend?" Tanya asked. "I thought you didn't do relationships?" She cocked her eyebrow at me and smirked.

"I guess it takes the right person," I snapped.

"I guess so…" Tanya bit her lip and smiled at me like she was hearing some kind of private joke.

"We'll take our business elsewhere." I laughed darkly and pulled Bella towards the door. Rosalie was about to get ripped a new one.

"No its okay," Bella said. "I think Alice and Rose already disappeared into the dressing room. I can stay."

I contemplated between the two women standing in front of me and sighed. "Fine. Call me as soon as you're done." I leaned down and kissed her neck. "And remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

She nodded and I finally stepped away. I watched her smile at Tanya and start towards the sheer cover-ups I'd pointed out. She pulled a light blue one down and walked back to the dressing rooms. Tanya glanced over at me once more before sauntering around the store.

I cursed under my breath and walked outside. Jasper and Emmett were smoking a cigarette out by the road.

"Can I have one?" I asked. I was fucking stressed. I hadn't had a cigarette in months but I was at my breaking point.

"Yeah sure." Jasper handed me one. "What's wrong?"

"Tanya." I grabbed his lighter and lit the cigarette.

"Shit. Sorry Edward, Rosie really didn't know. She wouldn't have brought Bella here," Emmett said.

"I know. She said she was fine."

"Did she know?" Jasper asked.

"Bella's a smart girl I'm sure she figured it out." I took a long drag and flicked my ashes on the sidewalk.

Tanya was the reason I didn't do relationships. She fucked around on me more times than I could count and still found ways to weasel her way back into my life. It was like a game to her. Like she wanted to see how many times she could outplay me. And I put up with it for a long time before I got sick of it. Wasn't the proudest time of my life. And to be honest I wasn't that fucking happy about her being around Bella. That girl was like poison. She tainted everything she touched.

I was still nervous as we walked into the bike shop, even after the cigarette.

The shop looked great, a huge difference from even when I left. Emmett and Jasper were rambling on about all the little adjustments they'd made but I couldn't shake this feeling. Like something bad was about to happen.

"I'm sorry you guys I have to go." I raked my fingers through my hair and started out of the shop. Halfway back to the store my phone rang.

"Alice what's wrong?" I answered.

"You need to get here," she said. I could hear yelling in the background and it took me a minute to recognize Rosalie's voice.

"You're lucky I only broke your nose you stupid bitch!"

"Shit," I whispered. I hung up the phone and ran the rest of the way back to the store.

There was a large group of customers huddled at the back by the dressing rooms and I had to push my way through to see. Tanya was in the corner holding her nose. I could see splatters of blood on her hands.

Rose was sitting in one of the chairs with her arms crossed over her chest. She was glaring at Tanya like she wanted to kill her.

I searched the room for Bella, panicking more with each moment.

"Edward?" Alice's small voice came from one of the dressing rooms. I looked around and took a few steps towards it. I slowly inched open the door and peeked inside.

Alice was sitting down beside Bella, her phone still resting in her hand. Bella's small body was curled up on itself, so tightly wound in the fetal position that it had to be painful. I could see she had a white bikini on.

"Give us a minute Allie," I whispered. I sat down beside Bella and slowly inched my arm out to touch her. Alice stood up and stepped outside of the dressing room.

As soon as my fingers touched Bella's shoulder she jumped and curled tighter into herself. I pulled my arm back and cursed under my breath.

"Bella…" I whispered. When she didn't move I slowly slinked down and curled up on the floor next to her. "Bella look at me." I tentatively reached out and tried to brush the hair out of her face.

Her eyes finally connected with mine and they were wide with panic, red and puffy from crying.

I laid there on the floor with her for over an hour before I spoke again. "Can I take you back to Jasper's?" I asked.

She nodded slightly and I tried to smile. I didn't want her to be scared so I had to keep it together. I stood up and grabbed the sheer cover-up hanging on one of the hooks.

"Can you sit up for me?" I asked. She pushed herself up and stared blankly ahead. "Arms up." She did as I said and I slipped the cover-up over her body. I didn't even want to attempt getting her dressed right now but I couldn't take her home in just a bathing suit. "Allie!" I called.

"Yeah?"

"Can you get us a cab please?"

"Yeah sure." We only waited about five minutes before Alice knocked on the door. "It's here."

"Okay." I turned around and leaned down. "Can you grab onto my shoulders, I'll carry you." I felt her limp arms grab onto my shoulders and I hoisted her up onto my back.

We stepped out into the room, meeting the stare of every eye in the room.

"Take a fucking picture why don't you?" I narrowed my eyes at them before starting towards the front of the store.

"You didn't tell me your girlfriend was a mental case Edward," Tanya said. "Definitely traded down."

"Go fuck another bus boy Tanya."

I set Bella down into the cab and stepped back inside just long enough to throw some money at Tanya for the clothes Bella was wearing. We didn't need a visit from the cops later claiming we stole stuff.

We took off towards Jasper's place. I was sure that Alice would bring most of Bella's things home with her so I wasn't really worried about that. When we got back I took her into the apartment and went right to Jasper's room. We needed some privacy and I doubted that he'd mind.

"Thank you," she mumbled. She started playing with her sleeves and looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry." She closed her eyes as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"Don't be sorry." I crawled behind her and pulled her back to my chest. "What happened?"

"Alice and Rose…picked out a few bathing suits for me. Alice told me I didn't have to, but I wanted to…try you know." She sniffled. I got the first one on and as I looked at my reflection in the mirror all I could see was that damn scar." She shook her head and sniffled again. "I know I make it a bigger deal than it is, but…I don't know how else to be. It may be small to you, but I feel like it's a mile long." She turned her head to face me. "Alice and Rose kept begging me to come out but I just couldn't. I knew there were other people out there and…Alice finally peeked her head in and told me I looked beautiful and that I didn't have to come out. Tanya grabbed the door and whipped it open and I could…feel everyone looking at me. I panicked." She started crying again and buried her face in her hands. "It's so stupid. I don't know why I'm like this."

"It's not stupid. And I love you just the way you are…scar or no scar…"

"Mental case and all?" A slight smile spread across her face.

"Especially if you're a mental case." I kissed her forehead and smiled. She crawled onto my lap and wrapped her arms around me.

"It's unreal how much I love you," she whispered. "Do you know that?"

"Yeah." I pulled her tighter and kissed her shoulder. "Can I say something?"

"Of course."

"You look really sexy in that bathing suit."

"You have to say that, you're my boyfriend."

"That doesn't make it any less true." I leaned us back and pulled the covers over our head.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," she whispered, apologizing again for something that didn't matter to me. She was fucking perfect just the way she was. I didn't ever want her thinking she wasn't good enough. "Tomorrow will be better…"

"It will be. And you are a mess," I mumbled. "A beautiful, perfect, amazing mess."

* * *

**A/N:**

**Thanks for being patient again. I'm hoping Thanksgiving break will give me some time to write and it won't be as long for an update. I appreciate you all : )**

**Please check out the One Shot Soundtrack (link on my profile or search for it on ff) and read/vote on the entries. They're all amazing and they deserve the attention. It was a really fun contest so I know you'll want to check it out. **

**If you haven't already check out the blog for my next story that has a playlist and TWO previews of it www . bnbfic . blogspot . com**

**Thanks for all the alerts, reviews and reccs everyone : )**


	15. Roots

**I have a wonderful beta kdillin, you are amazing. Thank you!**

**Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer but these versions of Edward Bella and the rest of the gang are mine as well as the plot. Please don't steal it. I think plagarizers are the lowest of the low and it's not flattering so don't do it. I'm also not interested in having the story translated at this time. Thanks for the interest! : )**

**Disclaimer: This story will eventually include subject matter that may be sensitive to some readers (No rape, cutting, or suicide). If you're overly concerned about it, I would suggest you not read. I love people to read my stories, but I don't want to totally blindside you with something, that's not fair and it's not why I included it in my story. I have very personal connections to elements in this story, which I'll be happy to share at the appropriate time.**

* * *

**Bella**

Edward showed me some of the touristy sites the next couple of days even though he hated the crowds. He almost got into a fight with a man from Minnesota who was wearing an obnoxious fanny pack. It was still nice to see the Hollywood sign and Graumann's Chinese Theater. I walked down the Walk of Fame and stuck my hands in Marilyn Monroe's hand prints. They were a perfect fit.

Today we were actually going to the beach. Edward told me we could find something else to do but I felt okay with it as long as I got to keep that beautiful cover up he bought me on at all times. He didn't argue.

"Are you ready babe?" Edward stuck his head in the bathroom as I was fastening my bathing suit top on.

"Almost." I tried once more to slip the clasp together but it was a no go. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"I got it." His fingers replaced my own and quickly fastened the top tightly against my skin. I glanced up at myself in the mirror and felt a small wave of panic rise up in my chest at the sight of it. I'd grown more and more comfortable with him seeing my scar but it didn't mean that the fear completely went away. "You look beautiful." He leaned down and kiss my shoulder.

"Thank you," I whispered.

He turned around and grabbed his swim trunks off the towel rack before dropping his sweatpants. He threw them into the pile of clothes that had managed to congregate in the corner of the bathroom and laughed. I blushed as I watched him in the mirror with fascination.

"You'd think you'd be immune to it by now..." He smirked and looked back at me.

"Immune to what?"

"Seeing me naked."

"I don't think that will ever happen." I shook my head and laughed.

"I know the feeling." He slipped on his swim trunks before stepping back towards me. "The thought of you covered in nothing but your skin makes me lose it."

"Lose what?" I mumbled.

"Everything." He brushed his fingers down my spine. "First my mind goes blank...and then my entire body flushes with heat...and I just...have to have you."

"How would you like to have me?" I turned my head towards him and smirked.

"Everywhere." He leaned down and nipped at my lips before pulling away.

I shivered as he reached for my cover up. I held my arms over my head as he slipped it on me. The fabric fluttered over my skin and landed halfway down my thighs.

"Now," he started. "Let's go get sand in inappropriate places." He grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose were waiting for us out in the living. We piled into two cars and started the drive to the ocean. I almost fell asleep on Edward's shoulder even though the ride wasn't impossibly long. I think the idea of a vacation was finally hitting me and all I wanted to do was sleep. I firmly believed that you shouldn't waste it if it's given to you. And Edward was the best pillow.

He nudged me a little and broke me from my almost sleep. I sat up and instantly smelled the salty ocean. I smiled at the expanse of sand laying in front of us. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.

I barely waited for Edward before I leaped out of the car and started towards the sand. As soon as I plopped my foot down on it, I pulled it back. It was hot as hell. I took another tentative step and then another. Pretty soon I just started running towards the water itching to feel its cool waves.

I shivered as they washed over my feet and smiled. I leaned down and brushed my hands over the rough water before reaching down and grabbing a drifting shell.

"Jesus Bella," Edward said from behind me. "I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast." He laughed and stepped beside me, cursing when the cold water hit his feet.

"I've never really been to a beach beach."

"You never drove anywhere on the East coast?"

"Not really." I shook my head and swished my foot around in the water.

"Doesn't Michigan have beaches?"

"Yes and they're beautiful but not like this. This...is a beach beach."

"Okay. Well let's go set down our stuff on the beach beach and we can go from there." He laughed and pulled me back onto the sand.

The rest of the group had started setting up their towels and laying down a little farther back from the water. Alice smiled at Edward and I as we walked up towards them. I think despite her disgust about seeing Edward and I in a...compromising position, she was still happy for us. If it hadn't been her brother I'm pretty sure she would have asked me about the sex. She knew it was another one of those big steps for me. We hadn't done it since that first time, but it took our relationship to another level if that was even possible. I felt so close to him, even when he wasn't with me. I've never known that type of love before.

We all laid on our towels for a little bit and talked more about life back in New York and what our plans were for the upcoming summer. I told them how I was still busy working on school stuff and working at the museum. I almost let it slip that I was taking dance classes but I caught myself. Still not ready yet. I love Alice but I knew it would be too easy for her to let it slip to my parents.

I was starting to become more and more panicked about my dad finding out. I think I knew deep down that he would have to eventually, but I wanted the time to be right. He wasn't going to react well considering everything that we've been through, but I hope he understood that it was a part of me. I just wasn't me without it. He shouldn't blame it for what happened, even though I knew he did. It didn't cause it. He just had to accept it. I think despite the anxiety I was still having I was starting to.

"I'm going to go for a swim. Do you want to come?" Edward turned towards me and slipped his hand under my cover up.

"Depends on what you mean by that," I whispered. He smirked and rolled over so he hovered above me.

"You're getting a little dirty with that beautiful mouth of yours you know that?" His hand drifted up my skin and cupped the fabric over my chest.

"You ain't seen nothing yet."

He laughed and quickly kissed me before removing his hand and jumping up. Everyone except Rose launched themselves towards the water and dove right in. I cringed at the thought of how cold the water was.

I watched as Edward resurfaced, his hair dampened from the water. He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as he laughed. He looked really happy. He turned back towards me and waved before tackling Emmett and pushing him down into the water.

"You two fucked didn't you?" Rose laughed beside me.

"I'm sorry?" I whipped my head towards her and felt my entire body flush.

"You and Edward. You did the horizontal tango, the dirty dance."

"Did Alice tell you?" I whispered.

"No." Rose laughed again. "I have sexdar sweetie. I can tell. He groped you in public. It's obvious what's going on behind closed doors. And even if it wasn't that look on your face says it all."

"What look?"

"Like you want to eat that boy up like a five star dinner." She pushed her sunglasses down her nose and smiled. "Don't be embarrased. I'm happy with Emmett but I can't lie. Edward is fine. And you're a hot piece of ass. I'm happy for you guys."

"You're happy that we had sex?"

"Hell yes."

"Alice freaked out a little," I mumbled.

"Well it's her brother. She doesn't want to think of Edward as a sexual object."

"Well I think it's more than that. She kind of walked in on us."

"Interesting," she said. I brought my bottle of water up to my lips and started drinking. "So...is he big?"

I started choking on my water and sat up, pounding furiously on my chest.

Rose started laughing hysterically as Edward ran back up and collapsed on top of me, soaking me completely in salty ocean water.

"Thanks for that." I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. I glared playfully over at Rose, but she just smiled and went back to reading her motorcycle magazine.

We ordered takeout on the way back from the beach and all ate at Jasper's place. They were all planning on going out to the bar later but I had other plans. I wanted to see where it all started. He promised me he'd show me and I was going to take him up on it.

"I'm actually kind of tired." I exaggerated a yawn as I stretched my arms above my head.

"Yeah me too." Edward did the same thing, even though I didn't really understand why. I knew he'd stay in with me, but I hoped he really wasn't tired. I had plans for us.

"I'm sure you are." Rose laughed and grabbed her jacket.

"You guys suck. You're in Los Angeles Bella!" Alice scolded. "You have to experience its greatness."

"I don't think she'll have a problem experiencing its greatness Alice," Rose said. She winked at me and pulled the rest of them out of the door.

As soon as the door closed Edward plopped down on the couch beside me and smiled.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing." He started twiddling his thumbs and smiled wider.

"God! Does everyone think we're having sex right now?" I crossed my arms in front of me.

"We're not?" His smile fell.

"No!"

"Okay." He shrugged. "Are you tired?"

"No."

His face scrunched up in deep thought as he contemplated other options.

"Edward." I scooted closer to him and took his hand in mine. "You promised you'd show me."

It took him a moment before the light bulb went on in his head. "Are you sure? I mean it isn't the most glamorous part of town."

"I'm not looking for glamorous. I'm looking for real." I shrugged and waited for him to answer.

"Okay. But you need to change your clothes. It gets chilly at night."

I smiled and skipped to my bag so we could get going. I changed into a long sleeve t-shirt, hoodie and leather jacket along with some jeans. I figured this should be warm enough. Edward slipped on something similar and took a deep breath before we headed out.

He took my hand and pulled me towards the subway. He slipped a few dollars in the machine and it popped out two tickets for us. I never really took the subway much in New York so this was an unfamiliar experience for me.

We were herded along with the other people down some stairs and through the gates where we slid our tickets through. There were a few musicians playing along the walls as well as some homeless people curled up with blankets and signs asking for money.

We boarded one of the trains and Edward pushed through the people, tightly keeping hold of my hand. We had to stand for a few stops, pressed up against each other and everyone else. As soon as another couple vacated their seats we grabbed them.

The train started getting less and less crowded, people getting off at every stop. I watched as the scenery changed every time we'd pop out of the underground for a few moments above ground. The glitz and the lights of the city were darkening away. I cowered into Edward as a pair of tough looking guys boarded the train.

"Next stop is ours," he whispered into my ear. I nodded and swallowed hard. I didn't know why I was so nervous. I walked around New York at night by myself. I guess part of it was the unfamiliar places.

At the next stop we jumped up and Edward pulled me outside. I shivered as we exited the subway and onto a dimly lit street. We were definitely still in the city but Edward was right. It wasn't the most glamorous part of town.

I glanced down the street, noting the glow of the flames from trashcans every so often. A few shadows huddled around each one trying to keep warm in the chilly night air.

We started walking the opposite direction, turning a couple of times down other roads. We came up to a tall fence and Edward paused.

"We're here."

**Edward**

I stared ahead through the chain links and into my past.

"Where are we?" Bella asked.

"It's where they store all the trains when they're not being used." I felt along the fence for the opening I knew was there somewhere. When I found it I pulled it back for Bella and followed her in.

"Isn't this...illegal? Trespassing or something?" She looked around cautiously.

"Sweetheart graffiti is illegal. Period." I laughed and shook my head. "They have people who patrol the lots but they're not smart enough to catch us." I winked and started pulling her deeper in. "They usually clean them every 72 hours or so, so they don't really make it out into the city much with graffiti on them. But when they do..."

"What?"

"It's how everyone sees your art Bella. I mean these trains travel all over the city. If something of yours slips through, it's everywhere."

I peeked around one of the trains when I heard someone painting and hoped it was someone I knew.

"Whoever the fuck you are I don't appreciate being spied on..." He spat.

I smiled and stepped forward. "Just as friendly as ever, I see."

"Doc?" He turned his head my way and started laughing. "You son of a bitch, I didn't know you were coming back here." He reached forward and pulled me into a man hug.

"Just visiting. How are you V?"

"Doing well my friend." His eyes flickered to Bella. "And who's this?"

"This is my girlfriend Bella. She wanted to see...this." I looked around.

"So you finally told someone huh?" He smiled and took a step towards Bella. "It's lovely to meet you Bella. I'm Vladimir, but everyone calls me V."

"It's nice to meet you too." Bella smiled and looked towards the train he was painting. V was strictly into tagging, no actual pictures. And he was the best at it. He was one of the first guys I met out here and he taught me almost everything. Almost laughed his ass off when I told him my story, but he still took me under his wing like a brother and I'd be forever grateful to him for that.

V's story was a little rough around the edges. Bounced around in foster care his whole childhood, got kicked out into the streets when he was eighteen. After a bout with selling drugs, he turned to graffiti. He slipped every once in awhile with using, but graffiti saved his life. Just like it saved mine in a way.

"So what have you been up to out East?" V asked. He set down his paint can and pulled a joint from his pocket.

I pulled Bella close to me and kissed her forehead.

"He's doing an art exhibit," she said. I narrowed my eyes at her, but couldn't hold back a smile. "What?" She shrugged. "You are."

"I am," I admitted.

"No shit," V said. "Congratulations man, I knew you had talent. I should get a percentage of your earnings."

"Why is that?"

He laughed and lit up the joint before bringing it to his lips. "Because….I discovered you or some shit like that."

"Did you really?" Bella asked. "I'd like to hear that story."

"Well have a seat little lady and I'll tell you all about it." He patted the ground beside him. Bella pulled me down beside her and curled into my side. "I was out here painting one night….like I do almost every night." V laughed and nodded towards me. "All of a sudden Doc comes shuffling through the train station sticking out like a sore thumb. He perched himself right over there…" V pointed across the way. "Cursing and kicking up a storm like he was about to bust a cap in someones ass. I just went about my business and pretty soon I noticed him watching me. So I asked him if he had a fucking problem and he said…" He laughed again. "He said lots."

"It was true," I said.

"Anyway somehow we got talking and he started asking about my painting. So I handed him a can…and the rest is history." V shrugged and passed us the joint. Bella didn't even hesitate as she took a long drag and handed it to me.

"So you knew right away that he was good?"

"Well I don't want to stroke his ego or anything…"

We sat there for a while passing around the joint while V told Bella more about himself and about me. He eventually got up and started painting again. Bella turned towards me and pressed her lips against my neck.

"Take a walk with me…" She whispered.

"Okay."

I stood up and reached for her hand. I pulled her close to my side as we shuffled out into the shadows, weaving in between the trains.

"So…Doc?" She smiled. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "What was that all about?"

"Just his nickname for me."

"Why is that?"

I shrugged and kicked at the stones on the ground.

"Edward," she scolded.

"Because I got accepted to medical school okay? I got in! My dad was so fucking proud and I went the first day and I completely panicked. Walked out in the middle of my first class."

"Why?" Bella ran her fingers through my hair and waited.

"Because I didn't feel it."

"Feel what?"

"That…feeling. When you know you're where you're supposed to be. I didn't feel that Bella. And I felt so fucking guilty after, but I refused to settle for anything less. I felt stuck. My dad and I didn't speak for months after it happened and now he just acts like nothing happened. He keeps thinking I'll change my mind."

"Sorry baby… But if it makes any difference I'm really…really proud of you for what you did. Do you feel it now?"

"What?"

"That feeling that you're where you're supposed to be."

"I'm right where I'm supposed to be," I mumbled. I wrapped my arms forcefully around her waist and pushed us back against one of the trains.

"How come I don't get a nickname Doc?" She asked.

"You already do." I grazed my nose up and down her jaw before pressing my lips to her neck. "Venus…Lolita…Aphrodite…Take your pick."

She arched her body towards me and pulled me closer. I reached down and wrapped my hands around her thighs before pulling them up around my waist. I pressed my hips roughly against hers and planted my hands on either side of her head, resting them flat against the cool metal of the train.

I dipped my head down to her chest and grabbed hold of the zipper of her hoodie with my teeth, pulling it down slightly and exposing part of her skin. "Do you think you can be quiet?" I mumbled against her chest.

"No." She whimpered and moved her hips against me. I pulled back and slipped my hand inside her hoodie until I found the cup of her bra. I pulled it down and started massaging her flesh.

I tilted my head back up towards her and captured her lips in mine. I nipped and sucked at her bottom lip, forcing my tongue deeper and deeper inside each time.

"We're going to get arrested for public indecency," I whispered.

"Might as well make it worth it then." She reached down and grabbed my dick through my jeans. I loved seeing her like this. Totally comfortable. Totally in control of her sexuality and not scared to tell me what she wanted. It was sexy as hell.

She undid my pants before working on hers. I stopped her and looked around before whipping us around and inside the train. There were too many bums and painters that could wander over here and see us outside.

She bit down on her lip and quickly unzipped her pants, shimmying them slightly down her legs.

"What has gotten into you?" I asked, smirking against her lips.

"Seeing all this…it makes you look dangerous." She gently bit down on my earlobe and hummed.

"And I take it you like that?"

"It's hot as fuck." She reached down into my boxers and pulled them down a little, exposing me completely. I hissed as the cold air hit me.

"Damnit Bella I don't have a condom." I shook my head apologetically.

"It's okay I have one." She reached into her back pocket and produced the square foil.

I cocked my eyebrow at her and took it. "When we got home from the beach Rosalie pulled me aside and showed me where the hidden stash was."

"And you just stuck one in your back pocket for a rainy day?"

"Baby I want you all the time. You never know when you might need one." She kissed me again.

"Look at that. My little shy girl turning into a sex crazed lunatic."

"You made me that way," she said softly. She bit down on her lip and smirked.

I ripped open the foil and slipped the condom on before burying myself inside her. I smiled at the feeling of her warmth wrapped all around me. She whimpered and steadied her elbows on top of my shoulders as I moved my hips against her.

"I love you," she whispered as her eyes fluttered closed.

"I love you." I swallowed hard and my breath turned ragged as I pounded her against the train. "God I fucking love you."

Her screams started coming louder and louder each time I slammed her body against the wall. I reached up and covered her mouth, afraid that she would draw too much attention to us. Her eyes connected with mine, but she didn't put up a fight. I felt her breath on my hand as I stifled another moan escaping her lips.

A moment later her whole body stiffened against me before she started rocking her hips eagerly against mine. I steadied myself against the train wall as she worked herself up and down. She forced herself down on me one last time as her body shuddered in ecstasy. I followed shortly after, pressing my lips against her chest to silence myself from screaming out.

After we both regained our breath she slumped down my body and slowly pulled her pants back up around her body. I smiled at her as I did the same and leaned forward to kiss her.

"Patrol!" I heard someone scream outside. "Patrol!"

"Shit," I mumbled. I held Bella back and peeked my head around the entrance of the train. I could see the flashlight waving around through the smog and mist of the trains. "We gotta go."

I grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her out the train, making a b-line for the hole in the fence. If they caught us we'd be arrested for trespassing at the very least.

I heard Bella laughing behind me and I couldn't help but snicker under my breath.

"Holy Hell where is that fucking hole?" I screamed.

"Over there!" Bella pointed to our left and I finally spotted it. I quickly pulled it back and she rushed by me before I slipped through.

As soon as we started down the street another patrol was on our tail. We barely made it to the train station before he caught up with us. Bella and I leaped over the entry gate and flew onto first open train we could find. The doors closed right behind us and the patrol officer slammed into it, pounding his fist furiously against it. I wrapped my arms around Bella as she flipped him off. I finally breathed a genuine sigh of relief when the train started pulling out of the station.

Bella and I quickly found a seat on the train. It wasn't too crowded since it was so late.

We made it back to Jasper's before they got home thankfully. I didn't want to answer any questions and I was pretty sure I still had that look on my face like I just had the best sex of my life.

"That was fun." Bella laughed and pulled off her jacket and started changing into her pajamas. "Thanks for taking me."

"You're welcome." I pulled off my shirt and laid down on the couch. "But I think we should probably go get tetanus shots tomorrow."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for being patient! My goal over this holiday weekend for me is to get some writing done. Woot! A lot of you are asking when we're going to find out what happened to Bella. It should be in the next few chapters if I stick to my outline, which is not definite but probable. Hang in there.  
**

**Secondly check out the blogs for Secret Life and Game Set Match. They have some beautiful new artwork for banners. Thank you Marisa!**

**Thirdly, please please please with an Edward on top go read, review and vote in the One Shot Soundtrack. We're on ff so its easy to find. **

**Lastly, if you haven't already please check out snippets from my upcoming story on the blog www . bnbfic . blogspot . com There's also a Twilighted forum for it with a blinkie and another teaser. It's called Love Like Winter and its inspired by Beauty and the Beast. I should begin posting for that once Secret Life starts wrapping up.**

**Thanks for all the reads, reviews, reccs, and alerts. XOXO**


	16. Muse

**Twilight is property of Stephenie Meyer but this version of the characters and the plot is mine. No reproduction or translation is allowed without my permission.**

**kdillin is my beta and she's amazing : )  
**

* * *

**Edward**

I woke up extra early on the morning of our last day in L.A. The sun wasn't even up yet and I was tired as fuck, but I forced myself to get off the couch. I moved slowly as not to disturb Bella. She stirred a little and reached out for me as soon as I was gone, but I just placed a pillow in my place and she drifted right back off to sleep.

I got dressed and slipped silently out of the apartment. Jasper had left me his keys to the shop as well as keys to one of his bikes. I had to basically promise him that I would throw myself off a cliff if anything happened to it.

I took a cab and quickly crept inside the shop. The bike was sitting in the corner just waiting for me. It wasn't one of those flashy new ones, which is something that I loved about it. It was vintage, classic just like Jasper. The bright red exterior matched it perfectly and I couldn't wait for Bella to see it. I grabbed two helmets off the shelf and wheeled it outside before starting it up and heading back to the apartment.

I parked it right outside and reached for my cell phone. It rang four times before she answered.

"Hello?" Bella said.

"Good morning beautiful." I smiled and looked up at the window.

"Morning? It's still dark out Edward. Where are you?"

"Go to the window." I bit down on my lip and laughed.

"What?"

"Go to the damn window."

"Fine." I heard her shuffling to get off the couch and waited for her to appear in the window. She finally did, her hair all a mess and still looking half asleep. "Okay what am I looking for?"

"Look down a little and to your left."

She moved her head in my direction and finally spotted me. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Bella Swan will you take a ride with me?"

She pressed her hand against the window and leaned forward. "I'd go anywhere with you Edward."

"Okay well get dressed and get your ass down here." I winked up at her and hung up.

She stepped out of the building ten minutes later in a jacket and jeans with her hair secured loosely at the nape of her neck. I handed her the extra helmet and patted the spot behind me. She smiled and hopped on as she secured the helmet on her head.

"Where are we going?" She leaned forward and tried to kiss me but our helmets knocked before she got close.

"It's a surprise."

"Of course it is." She playfully slapped my back as I revved the engine. "Let's go then."

I squealed out of our parking spot and onto the nearly deserted street. Bella's arms were secured tightly around my waist as I zoomed around the corners and streets of L.A.

I drove us farther and farther away from the city lights and closer to the coast. I knew of this scenic highway and that ran right along the beach. I wanted her to see the sunrise over the water. I wanted her to feel the wind in her hair as we rocketed down the road. I wanted her to feel beauty and freedom like she's never felt before. It was something I wanted to give her because I knew that despite how well she hides it, her heart is so heavy sometimes that its as if it's to the fucking breaking point. And everytime she lets it show even a little bit…its nothing compared to the reality. It's the tip of the iceberg. If I could take it away…and I mean completely take it away for just today or just this morning, I would do it. I would do anything. I wanted to shut out any heartache that was waiting for us back in New York. I knew we couldn't escape it forever and I think deep down I knew it was something big. But just for this last day here I wanted fucking perfection. Because she deserved it.

I slowed a little as we curved and curled around the cliffs and along the beach. It was so early that the roads were practically deserted right now. I could almost see the hint of the sun making a desperate attempt to peek above the horizon of the ocean.

"Bella!" I whipped my head towards her for the slightest moment.

"What?" She screamed in my ear.

"Close your eyes and let go." I slowed a little so she wouldn't be as hesitant. I felt her arms tighten around me before they completely disappeared. I wished I could see her right now, but I could definitely imagine it. I could see her leaned back, arms out, hair flowing in the wind. Free. Just like I wanted her to be.

A few minutes later I felt her arms snake back around my waist as she pressed herself into me. I curved around the last bend and found a little spot off the road to park. A small beach rested right beside us, with just a little patch of sand to show for itself. Not many people knew about this beach, which is why I picked it.

I turned off the bike and pulled my helmet off as I breathed in the salty air. I turned my whole body around on the seat so I was facing her. She pulled off her helmet and set it beside mine before wiping at her cheek.

"It was like I was flying…" She whispered. "Floating above everything. I felt so light and…pure you know?" She looked up at me and blinked away a few tears.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her close to me as she threw her legs over mine.

"It's bad isn't it?" I asked. I didn't want to bring it up, it was the last thing I fucking wanted but it just slipped out.

"I almost died Edward…" She mumbled into my chest.

"Christ…" I kissed the top of her head and started rubbing her back furiously, like I could make it go away that way. She didn't give me much but it was more than she'd told me before. And it scared the shit out of me.

I couldn't imagine her not being here. Not having her with me. I wouldn't be able to kiss her or taste her skin or tell her how beautiful she is. I wouldn't be able to tell her that I love her or feel…anything. I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be.

The first rays of morning broke over the horizon and I turned my head towards the light. It turned the water all shades of orange, breaking and rippling across the calm surface.

"Baby look…" I whispered. Bella turned her head and sighed as we watched the sunrise.

"Thank you for bringing me here," she said.

"You're welcome."

We stayed at the beach for another hour before heading back to the apartment. We already had our things packed and Jasper was taking us to the airport. Emmett and Rose were waiting for us when we got back so they could say goodbye. Alice was heading down to Arizona for a photo-shoot before rounding back home so her flight didn't leave until later today.

"Thanks for visiting us," Emmett said. He wrapped Bella in a hug before turning towards me. "You're a lucky bastard you know that?"

I nodded my head and laughed. Rosalie leaned down and gave Bella a hug. She whispered something in her ear that I probably wasn't meant to hear, but I did.

"Keep fighting baby girl…" She said.

"What?" Bella asked.

"Whatever it is that tore you apart." Rose kissed her cheek and stepped beside Emmett. Bella and I both hugged Alice and we were off.

The plane ride back went by way too fast. I wanted more time with her out there. It felt safe to me. New York held too many uncertainties that I wasn't ready for.

I had a meeting with the museum that was doing my art exhibit the day after we got back. They just wanted to get a "direction" as to where I was going. They had no fucking clue how complex that simple question was.

"Edward, Bella has told me so much about you." The blonde girl who's name I didn't remember shook my hand.

"Yeah? All good I hope." I laughed nervously and sat down. I couldn't imagine I looked very professional. I'd just rolled out of bed and thrown on some jeans and a jacket. It was probably frowned upon to wear a beanie to a meeting but I was already over it.

"Of course." She cleared her throat and sat down beside me. "Now I understand that you won't have all of your pieces done yet but we're just trying to group people's work by themes or even colors…." She trailed off.

"Well I…" I struggled to find the words, but only shrugged.

"You can't find a theme throughout your work?" She cocked her eyebrow.

"I actually haven't really started…something…concrete." I tried to run my fingers through my hair, but forgot I had a hat on.

"You do realize the exhibit is coming up soon?"

"I do my best work under pressure." I smirked and stared down at the floor.

"Alright so….we have nothing for you." She scribbled down a few things on her annoying little clipboard. "Just let us know okay." She stood up and smiled nervously.

"Sure thing." I shot up and bolted out of there like the place was on fire. I guess she was right. I needed to get my shit together. Bella had done this amazing thing for me and I was going to blow it. I'd played around with a few things, but ended up tossing them all. I just wasn't happy with them. I thought I was just being difficult, a little picky, but I'd come to realize that I was nervous about this whole thing.

Bella was caught up at the library working on her final paper for the next couple of weeks so it was my perfect opportunity to get some work done. I bought some new supplies just so I could convince myself I had everything that I would need.

I laid out all of my things in front of me and looked around the room. It seemed empty without her here. I didn't like it one bit, it made me anxious as hell.

I took out a blank canvas and grabbed a random color of paint hoping some kind of inspiration would hit me. It didn't. All I could think of is what Bella would look like doing her stretches in front of the mirror. Or that intense look of concentration on her face when she's trying to nail a hard move. Or even her sleeping on the fucking futon. I missed her.

I leaned against the wall and tapped my finger against my forehead before it hit me.

"Fucking dumbass," I whispered to myself. It'd been in front of me all along. I couldn't understand why I didn't see it earlier. I was so panicked about what I should paint about when I always knew. Nothing inspired me like she did. She was my muse. Why the hell would I paint anything else?

I dropped my paintbrush and ran out of the studio hoping I could catch that museum girl before she left for the day. I jogged through the doors just as the security guy was locking up.

"Sorry sir we're closed," he said.

"I'm sorry. Is that blonde chick still here….?"

"Blonde chick?"

"Sorry. What's her damn name? She's putting together the art exhibit, really tall, name I think starts with an…M?" I was rambling and I knew it.

"She's left for the evening." He crossed his arms in front of him and waited for me to leave.

"Okay can you just pass along a message for me?" When he nodded I grabbed a brochure from beside me and scribbled one word on it. "Tell her its from Edward Cullen and I just wanted to let her know what my theme was." I handed him the paper and he tucked it inside his pocket.

"No problem. Now get out." He nodded towards the door and I didn't hesitate to get the hell out of there.

I was anxious to get back to the studio anyway. I had a lot of work to do.

**Bella**

I felt exhausted as soon as we landed in New York even though I hadn't even started working yet. The next month or so was going to be busy as hell. I had school, papers, work and to top it off we have to choreograph our own dance for ballet class.

I didn't tell Edward about my appointment when we got back. I really didn't see the need to. It was just a check up and it would open a whole new can of worms that I still wasn't ready for. I was starting to question whether I'd ever be ready. There are millions of people around the world just like me and they have no problem saying it out loud. Why the hell does it completely paralyze me? I'm sure part of it had to do with Ben. Actually I'm sure a large part of it was Ben. I couldn't lose Edward like I lost him. I think I felt damaged deep down and maybe that was why he didn't stay with me. I'm tainted. And I was never going to be the same.

"Hey I'm going out for a little bit…" I bit down on my lip and tried to smile. Edward looked up from his nap on the couch, still covered in paint. He refused to let me see what he'd been working on the past few days and it was driving me up the wall.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"Just out. I'll be back in a little bit." I leaned down and kissed him quickly before grabbing my coat and heading out.

The weather was starting to improve, emphasis on the starting. It was mid March and the snow had long since turned into dirty slush. Pretty soon it would be completely gone.

I took a cab to the office I'd visited only once before, when I first came here. They came highly recommended from the people back home and since I had to be vigilant with my check ups they wanted to make sure they were the best.

I walked inside and signed in at the front desk. The woman smiled at me as she shuffled through her papers trying to find my file. Her smile fell once she read the first page of it. She nodded and told me to have a seat until they called my name.

"But she's so young…" I heard the woman whisper to her coworker.

I tried to ignore them and started fidgeting with the sleeve of my shirt. I hated the stares when people knew. Pity. Sympathy. Condolences. I didn't want any of them. They didn't change the past. They didn't make everything better. It didn't erase it…any of it.

"Isabella Swan?" A woman opened the only other door in the room and peeked her head out.

"Here." I stood up and weaved through the other chairs in the room.

"Let me just get your weight." She nodded towards a scale and took down all the regular things they always did. "You've lost some weight…" She glanced up at me.

"I've been exercising a lot."

She led me into a smaller room and I sat down. I hated small rooms like this. I always felt trapped. For one small moment I wished Edward was here with me.

"Alright he'll be right in." She set my file on the counter and left. "Please change into the gown." She nodded towards the ugly white paper gown. As soon as she left I disrobed and threw it over my body.

I waited for less than ten minutes before a tall, dark-haired man stepped through the door.

"Hello Isabella." He smiled and grabbed my file.

"Dr. Alistair."

"How is everything?" He set the file on his lap and looked up at me.

"It's going great." I smiled.

"You missed our last appointment."

"I know I'm really sorry, I've just been busy."

"Bella…" He scooted closer to me. "I know its very unusual for someone your age to be in this position. I have a daughter about your age and I can't even…imagine. But I need you to understand how important these check-ups are. Do you understand?"

"Yes. It won't happen again."

"Good. Now have you noticed anything odd lately?"

"I don't think so."

"You've lost weight. You look exhausted are you getting enough sleep?"

"I'm busy." I shrugged. "I'm almost done with school."

"And your diet?"

"Better than a typical college student."

"Alright let's finish the examination so you can go back to being a typical college student." He laughed.

When he was finished he scribbled down some things on his notepad.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"I think so. Just want to get some bloodwork and your other tests done for a check up on all your levels and such. If everything comes back normal we'll see you again in three months." He handed me the slip and sent me downstairs to get everything else done.

I always cried when they did it. I never meant to but it just happened. I didn't know if it was from the physical or emotional pain.

When I was finished I got dressed and finished up my check out upstairs. I told myself to go back to the apartment but I found myself wandering unconsciously towards our studio. I was pretty sure Edward was still sleeping on the couch. I wasn't trying to sneak in and peek at his stuff or anything. I just needed to dance it all away. I wanted to hide from everything. Everytime I had one of these damn appointments I went all emo for the rest of the day and there was nothing anyone could do to make it better.

I wiped away a stray tear as I stepped inside and was surprised to find the lights already on. Edward was sitting on the futon wringing his hands together.

"I uh…I had no idea where the hell you were going but I knew you'd end up here," he mumbled.

I smiled and shuffled over to him, settling myself down on his lap.

"You know me pretty well," I whispered.

"I guess I do." He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. "Are you okay?"

"Better now." I kissed him again and nuzzled into the crook of his neck. "You smell good."

"Well thank you. I had to use your body wash in the shower because mine ran out."

"You used a body wash called 'Riverlily Wind?'"

"It smelled like you. Don't judge me Swan." He smirked.

"I wasn't trying to peek at your paintings…" I said.

"I know."

"I know you knew…but I just wanted to say it." I sat up and took his face in my hands. "I'm really, really proud of you for doing this Edward." I leaned back and grabbed my purse off the floor. I dug around in it for a minute looking for the envelope. "We got these things in the mail for your exhibit. Like invitations that we can send out to people announcing your big debut." I laughed and handed him the envelope. "I wanted to see what you thought."

He took the invitation in his hands and laughed. I imagine he found the fancy design a little contradictory to his personality. "Featuring the artwork of Edward Cullen…" He mumbled. "Never thought I'd see that. It's nice." He handed it back to me.

"That's not really what I wanted to ask you about." I looked down, feeling a little guilty. "Turn it over."

His smile fell as he read over the names it was addressed to. "Dr. Carlisle and Esme Cullen."

"I didn't send it because I wanted to run it by you first. I think you should invite them Edward. Your mother would love it."

"And my father?"

"I think he'd be very proud that his son found something that he loves."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then to hell with him." I shrugged. "I sent one out to Jazz, Emmett and Rose. I'm not sure if they'll be able to make it but I wanted them to know they were welcome."

"Thanks…" He turned the paper over in his hands and I seriously doubted whether he'd send it or not. It already had the stamp. He just had to seal it and let it go.

I stood up and changed into some more comfortable clothes so I could practice. I'd started working on my dance for class, but it was nowhere near ready. We had to perform it next month in front of the entire class, but that wasn't the part that scared me. Miss Charlotte was still being an epic bitch. She criticized everything that I did, more than the others. As time wore on I'd thought that I'd even gotten better than most of them, but apparently she didn't think so. I wanted my dance to be amazing. Kind of like a 'fuck you' for all the bitch episodes.

I stretched and turned on my music. I still hadn't picked a song yet so I'd have to modify my dance a little once I did, but I at least wanted to pick out what moves I was going to use.

I heard Edward get up and start working on his canvas as I practiced. Pirouettes, leaps, arabesques, Fouetté en tournant… We were back to our simple world. Bella dances. Edward paints. Everything is okay for a little while.

I took all the frustration from earlier today and put it into my dancing. By the time I was finished, Edward had fallen asleep on the futon with a paintbrush still stuck behind his ear.

I reached down and pulled my sweatshirt over my head, wanting a release from the heat I was feeling. I glared at my scar as it peeked out from the top of my tank.

"You're done controlling my life." I decided right then and there I was going to tell Edward everything on the night of his art exhibit. That was going to be a big night for him, showing off his artwork as his. He deserved to know everything. A part of me wanted to tell him right now but I needed time to prepare. I needed to prepare myself for life without him if it was too much for him. He never signed up for this. I wasn't going to be a burden to him like I was to my parents. I know it was their job to love me and be there for me, I just hated what it put them through, what it put me through.

I laid down next to him and the next thing I knew it was morning. I didn't even remember falling asleep it happened so fast. I couldn't wait for school to be over so I could finally get some decent sleep. I know I wasn't helping the situation much by everything I took on, but I just needed to last a couple more months and then everything would be okay.

Edward was already putting his shoes on when I sat up.

"Are you heading back to the apartment?" I asked.

"Yeah I just have to stop at the post office first. I'll meet you back there?" He smiled at me and turned to leave with the sealed envelope tucked tightly under his arm.

* * *

**A/N:**

** I just want to say a genuine thank you for reading this story. I know it doesn't have a lot of action or smut but it really means a lot to me that you guys care about the characters enough to keep reading. Bear hugs to all.**

**Please check out the blog for Secret Life, there's a beautiful new banner made my Marisa on there : )  
**

**If you haven't noticed, I posted the prologue to my next story Love Like Winter, so please check it out and let me know what you think. **

**And please, please please go read, review and vote for my one shot contest that I'm running called the One Shot Soundtrack. Our penname is ossoundtrack and we've got some great music inspired one shots for you to read. Plus one thrown in from me.**

**Not entirely sure how updating is going to go for the next couple weeks. I have finals coming up so that either means I'll be updating a lot or not at all. Following me on twitter is probably the best Magic 8 Ball as to what is going on with me and updates about my stuff.**

**Thanks again guys : )**


	17. Up In Flames

**Twilight belongs to S.M.**

**kdillin Thanks for being my beta and being so supportive, especially with this chapter and for your thoughts : )  
**

* * *

**Bella**

"Sweetie, you have to get up." Edward nudged my shoulder. "You have to go turn in your paper."

I slowly opened my eyes and saw that I was no longer at my desk, where I was sure I'd fallen asleep. He must have moved me to the bed as soon as my eyes closed. The last time I looked at the clock it was after four in the morning. It was close to nine now.

"I know," I mumbled.

"I already printed it out for you and stapled it." Edward slapped the thick stack of papers down on the bed and patted my leg.

"I'm just so tired…" I yawned and slowly rolled over to face him.

"You're almost done. After that you can sleep as much as you want to." He smiled and kissed me quickly before hopping up. He headed out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, where I heard the shower start. "Up!" He yelled.

I cursed under my breath and finally rolled out of bed. My whole body ached. I think the stress was finally starting to get to me. I shook my head and sauntered out of bed, grabbing my towel along the way.

The water was already hot when I stepped in the shower. I took the time washing my hair and watching the soapsuds fall over my skin. As I whipped around to turn the water off, my head started feeling a little fuzzy. I reached for the sides of the shower, feeling a little unstable on my feet. I closed my eyes and waited for the spots to disappear before I opened them again.

I steadied myself and stepped out of the shower. I dressed and dried my hair before braiding it until it fell loosely over my shoulder.

"Good morning!" Alice burst in the bathroom smiling. I offered her a small smile and leaned over the sink. The dark circles under my eyes had become more and more prominent and I could tell I'd lost more weight. I needed to start taking better care of myself. "Sweetie you don't look so good. Do you feel sick?"

"No," I lied. I didn't really. It was more of that worn down feeling, which was to be expected at the end of the semester. I planned on taking an excruciatingly long nap starting tomorrow. Maybe Edward will feed me meals in bed.

"You need to stay healthy Bella." She looked up at me as she dug around in the cabinet for something.

"I know. I'm fine." I brushed my teeth and stepped out of the bathroom. Edward had made me some coffee and even packed up my bag for me. He'd been amazing lately. It was like he truly understood that I had a lot going on and he went out of his way to help me. I don't know what I did to deserve him.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Yep!" I slung my bag over my shoulder and we headed out. It was raining a little bit, but it was actually halfway warm today. I didn't need a hat or heavy coat, which was a nice surprise from the bitter cold.

Edward walked me to campus where we dropped off my final paper. We stopped by the museum and talked with Siobhan for a little bit. I hadn't been working as much with everything I had going on. I was really surprised, but they asked me back for next semester and I gladly accepted.

As soon as we stepped out of the museum I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders. I laughed and leaned back into Edward.

"Happy to be done I take it?" He leaned down and pressed his lips to my cheek.

"Overjoyed. Now all I have to worry about is my dance."

"I thought you had it all ready to go."

"I do." I shrugged. "Just needs perfecting."

He hailed us a cab and we started towards the studio. I was instructed that I was not allowed to practice until I took a nap.

Edward had all of his paintings covered except the one he was working on. I laid down on the futon and quickly fell asleep to the sound of his brushstrokes, long and smooth against the canvas.

When I woke up, I wished that I hadn't. I still felt groggy and every muscle was fuzzy and weak. My head was absolutely throbbing, pounding and hammering against my skull. This is exactly why I didn't take naps in the middle of the day. It always fucked me over.

I sat up silently and pulled my knees up to my chest. Edward was still working, so engulfed that he didn't notice that I was awake.

"How's it going?" I asked.

"Almost done." He smiled at me and went back to work. "You slept a long time."

"Doesn't feel like it." I stretched my arms over my head and slowly got up off the futon. I sat down in front of the mirror and changed my shoes so I could practice a little. Our performance of our original choreography was next week and I really wanted to impress Miss Charlotte. She was still really cold and I thought it would be the ultimate "fuck you" if I did really well. Besides that, I wanted to do good for me.

I stood up and flexed my feet back and forth. I got that dizzy feeling again and reached forward to balance myself against the mirror.

"You okay?" Edward asked.

"Yeah. I just stood up too fast." I shook my head and blinked a few times, trying to find my bearings. I felt a flush of heat rush through my body as I looked at my reflection. There was a slight glisten of sweat across my forehead but I looked pale. Too pale. My legs started trembling as I grasped tightly onto the bar. I tried to keep myself from falling down. I promise I tried. A moment later the whole world went black and the last thing I heard before I gave in to the darkness was Edward's voice…

**Edward**

"Bella!" I struggled to get the words out as I watched her collapse to the floor. My chest tightened and I barely registered my brush dropping from my frozen fingers. It felt like hours in those few moments that it took me to get to her.

I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know what was wrong with her. I just needed her to wake up. I brushed my fingers over her pale skin and pulled her face towards me. She looked like she was sleeping, just like she was a half hour ago. If I hadn't seen her fall I wouldn't have thought otherwise.

"Okay," I whispered to myself. "Okay." I shook her lightly. "Bella." There was no response. "Bella. Come on baby, wake up." I shook her harder with the same result. I frantically reached into my back pocket for my cell phone and dialed 911.

"911 what is your emergency?"

"I need an ambulance. My girlfriend just f-f-ainted and I…I don't know what's wrong," I stuttered.

"Okay sir is she breathing?"

I leaned down close to her nose and listened like my entire life depended on that breath. I sighed in relief when I heard it.

"Yes I think so."

"Okay where are you located? I'm dispatching an ambulance right now."

I told them the address and stayed on the line with the operator until they arrived. Two men with a board rushed into the room and pushed me away from her.

"Please…" I ran my fingers through my hair as I struggled to speak. "Please help her."

"Just give us some room sir." He held his arm up as I stepped closer. The other man pressed his fingers lightly at her wrist.

"Pulse is weak. Let's get an IV going and load her up," he said.

I paced back and forth as they poked the needle into her skin and strapped her onto the board. I dialed Alice's number as they carried her down the stairs and to the ambulance. I needed her.

"Yo!" She answered.

"Alice." I told myself not to cry. I don't cry. She was going to be fine, she just fainted. It could happen to anyone.

"Edward what's wrong?"

"It's Bella. You need to come to the hospital."

"Okay I'll be right there." She hung up as they placed Bella in the back of the ambulance. I hopped up in there with her and sat by her feet.

"What was she doing when she fainted?" One of the men asked.

"She uh….she just took a nap. And she was getting ready to practice. She does ballet. Is she going to be okay?" My leg started bouncing up and down to the beat of her heart monitor.

"They'll probably want to run some tests when we get to the hospital. Did she hit her head when she fell?"

"I don't know." My palms were dripping with sweat as I ran them up and down my legs.

The ride to the hospital seemed like an eternity. The only thing that kept me sane was the slow beep of her beating heart. She had so many gadgets around her now that I could barely see her. I reached out and rubbed her leg. I didn't know if she felt it, but I wanted her to know I was still here with her.

Alice somehow made it to the hospital before we did. She was waiting outside when the ambulance pulled up, pacing back and forth at the entrance.

I hopped out and she immediately ran to me, her eyes already red from the tears spilling down her cheeks.

"What happened?" She asked.

"She passed out. I don't…." I shook my head. "I don't know."

We watched as they pulled Bella out and wheeled her inside. We followed and caught a small glimpse of her before they pushed her through the restricted doors. Alice quickly grabbed the paperwork to fill out as much as she could.

"I'm going to go call her parents. Will you be okay?" She asked.

I nodded and stared straight ahead into the white wall. That was one of the things I hated the most about hospitals. It was all white, sterile…dead. It was completely different than my life was now. I needed the color and the spark. I needed Bella.

I kept glancing between the clock and the nurse's station wishing they would just tell us something. They had to know something by now right?

An hour passed. And then two. The minute hand on the clock dragged by like it was barely moving. Alice had come back at some point but I barely noticed.

"Edward…" She nudged me. "She's going to be okay…" Her voice was unsteady and full of questions but I could tell she was trying to be reassuring.

"Yeah," I said flatly. "What did her parent's say?"

"They're flying out on the first flight available. They'll be here tomorrow morning."

I didn't say anything but that was my first clue that it could be serious. I doubted many parents would fly across the country if it were something as simple as fainting. It happens to people all the time. They get hot. Or they don't eat.

I started unconsciously chewing on the side of my lip, only stopping when I tasted the blood trickle onto my tongue. Every time a doctor or nurse stepped into the waiting room, my heart rate would accelerate. And every time they called someone else's name. I was about to go up and complain at the desk, but it finally happened. A tall man peeked his head out of a set of doors glanced around the room.

"Is anyone waiting for Isabella Swan?" He asked.

I jumped up and darted towards him. Alice followed quickly behind me.

"Are you family?" He asked. I think he already knew the answer to that, but he had to ask anyway.

"No. I'm her boyfriend and this is her roommate," I said.

"Okay. I'm afraid I can't tell you anything regarding her condition, but she is stable. You can see her if you like. Are her parents planning on coming?"

"They'll be here tomorrow morning," Alice said. "Their phone number should be on her information if you want to call them."

"I will probably do that. This way please." He led us down the hallway. "Now I will tell you she will probably not be awake. We've given her some drugs to help her sleep." He stopped in front of one of the doors and pushed it open. "I'll be back in a little while."

I brushed past him and went right to Bella. She didn't have quite as many machines hooked up to her as I thought she would. It was basically just an IV and the heart monitor so I assumed that she must be okay.

I took off my jacket and laid it over the chair beside her bed before I sat down. I took her hand gently in mine and raised it to my lips.

Alice stood in the corner with her arms crossed over her chest. I've never seen her look so serious in my life. She was always the upbeat one in the family, no matter what. There was no hint of a smile on her face, no rosy cheeks. Alice was sad.

We sat there for a long time, neither of us really knowing what we were supposed to do or how we were supposed to act. Bella didn't move one inch. There were a few times she was so still that I panicked and had to press my ear to her nose to make sure she was still breathing.

The doctor knocked and stepped inside. "I've just spoken with Isabella's mother. You must be Alice?" He looked at Alice and she nodded slightly. "She'd like to speak to you."

"Okay." Alice rubbed her neck and glanced over at me. "Hey could you get us some coffee or something?"

"Yeah sure." I didn't really want to leave Bella, but I was pretty sure she wouldn't be waking up anytime soon.

The doctor pointed out a room down the hallway where they had coffee, vending machines and microwaves. Alice walked up to the nurse's station and picked up the phone waiting for her on the desk.

I shuffled slowly down the hallway and took my time getting our coffee. I took one in each hand and started back to the room. Alice was still at the nurse's station looking like she was about to cry again. I was on the verge of asking her what was going on, but she spoke instead.

"So she fainted from overworking herself but it's not from…But Renee I don't understand, didn't she have tests done last month? They came back fine right?"

I could tell she didn't know I was there. I felt a little bad for listening but I couldn't move. I had a really bad feeling.

"So they're running more tests because these new ones looked funny," she sighed. "Will you be here for the meeting with her oncologist tomorrow?"

I didn't realize that I'd dropped the coffee until it spilled all over my shoes. Oncologist.

"Edward…" Alice gasped. "Renee I have to go, I'll call you back." She hung up and took a tentative step towards me. "Edward," she said softly.

"You said….oncologist. Like…like cancer."

"Edward," she said again. She held up her arms defensively as she took another step towards me.

"Does she have cancer?" I mumbled, barely above a whisper.

"They don't know…anything yet." She shook her head.

"Is it like before? What…" I couldn't even get the words out.

"She had breast cancer."

"You're lying." I clenched my jaw and adamantly shook my head at her. "You're lying because she's too young for that shit. Alice…"

"It's extremely rare, but it does happen, Edward."

"No!" I screamed. The nurses at the station all looked our way. "I would have…I would have felt it! I would have felt it Alice." I blinked away the tears starting to form behind my eyes.

I noticed the doctor had stepped out of Bella's room and was watching us.

"You're sure she won't wake up for awhile?" I asked.

"Probably not for a few hours at the very least." He nodded sympathetically and discreetly walked away, probably trying to give us some privacy. I didn't give a shit.

"I need a minute." I held up my finger and walked away from Alice, leaving her crying at the nurse's station. I would hate myself if she woke up and I wasn't here but I needed some time to process everything. If that was even possible.

My body felt numb as I walked out of the hospital and ambled idly down the city sidewalks. I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I wandered around, not really sure where I was going or what I was doing. No matter how far I walked I couldn't escape it. It was like the word flashed in front of my eyes with each step.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer…Death.

I found myself at the studio and somewhere along the way I'd picked up a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of liquor. I slammed the door behind me and slumped down the wall across from the mirror.

Everything made a little more sense now, especially her scar. I'd never seen a port scar before but I knew enough about them to know that was what it was. But the thing I'd never…ever understand was Ben. How the fuck could he leave her like that? She needed him to be there. I was so fucking angry with him.

Less than an hour later, I'd drunk enough to at least be numb. It was better than feeling anything right now because it hurt too much.

I leaned my head back and glanced across at the mirror. As I stared into my own reflection I saw her start to materialize out of the corner of my eye. I knew I was just seeing things, but it didn't matter. For now she was here.

I watched her dance across the mirror, stopping to smile at herself every now and then. She looked warm, healthy. A memory of the pale, frail person who was now lying in that bed. Maybe if I hadn't pushed her to take that damn dance class none of this would have happened. I knew that dancing had nothing to do with what was happening to her now, but I couldn't help but blame it a little. I wonder if that's what her father did.

I slowly got up and walked over to the mirror as I watched her figure float across the room. My fingers floated up to her reflection just as she collapsed to the floor again. I panicked and spun around to find nothing but an empty floor behind me.

This wasn't right. I know that they didn't say it came back, but what if it does? My girl should never have to deal with that kind of pain and hurt and uncertainty in her life. She deserved a beautiful life full of love and happiness and I couldn't understand how this happened to her. It made my chest hurt just thinking about it. How could something so dark and sinister touch someone like Bella?

I started pacing around in circles as my mind ran away with me, showing me images I didn't want to see. Bella sick. Bella weak. Bella cold and still.

I felt like I knew nothing about the world. I felt young…naïve…helpless.

"Why?" I screamed. I turned and slammed my fist into the mirror. It cracked and a few pieces shattered and fell to the ground. "Damn it!"

I ignored the slight cut on my hand and the subsequent blood trickling down my arm as I pulled out a cigarette. I lit it quickly and found myself pacing around the room again. I was surprised I didn't wear down the floor.

I eventually made my way over to my paintings and one by one pulled off the sheets that were covering them. Bella sleeping. Bella tying up her ballet shoes. The curve of her waist. The shape of her lips when she smiles. It was all here. She was here.

I reached out to touch the canvas and flicked my cigarette before taking a long drag. I glanced at all of them again and turned away. I loved them. I hated them. It was like all the light in her eyes had somehow been captured on the canvas until there was none left anywhere else. This Bella was alive. The one lying in the hospital was everything but. She was drained from everything. School, work, dance, and this stupid lingering heartache were plaguing her body. They didn't deserve to have her light.

Some kind of flicker beside me caught my eye. I turned my head and instantly smelled the smoke. The ashes of my cigarette landed right onto my palette of paint and had burst into flames. I stood there motionless like a statue watching the flames spread across the floor and up to the futon. They started crawling up the easels of each painting until they met the canvas with a fiery wrath. And I did nothing. I felt nothing.

My paintings were gone. Everything I'd worked for was gone. I didn't care about any of it. I just stood and watched it burn.

The smoke started getting heavy and heavier, making it hard to breathe. I took one last look around our room that had become a safe haven to us both. It was almost completely engulfed in flames. I wiped away a stray tear from my cheek, threw in my liquor bottle and the rest of my cigarette and walked out.

I could hear the fire truck's coming as soon as I stepped out onto the pavement. I looked back up at the building. The smoke was starting to come out of the windows up where the studio was. I knew there was no saving it now. It was gone.

I was gone before the fire trucks got there. I walked back to the hospital smelling like smoke with dried blood on my arm. As soon as I stepped back into Bella's room, Alice jumped up from the chair.

"What happened to you?" She asked.

"I'm fine." I glanced at Bella before stepping into her bathroom. I rolled up my sleeves and grabbed some paper towel so I could clean up my hand. I gently scrubbed at the wound and dried blood until it was all clean. Alice went and asked the nurse for some bandages and she wrapped me up tight.

Alice grabbed more paper towel and wetted it in the sink before dabbing at my forehead. There were some dark marks, probably from the fire scattered across my skin.

"Don't shut down on her Edward," she whispered.

"I'm not." I shook my head as she threw the last of the paper towel in the trash. "I'm here. I'm here all the way."

I stepped out of the bathroom and took my seat again beside Bella.

"She hasn't woken up at all," Alice said. "I just…I don't know what to do or what to say." Her voice broke as she sat down on the arm of my chair.

"We can be here Ali. No matter what."

She took my hand in hers and sighed. "No matter what," she echoed.

* * *

**A/N: There is an epically long author's note for this chapter that I have posted in GDocs and posted the link on my profile. I would appreciate it if you read it, but it's okay if you don't. It explains my inspirations for this story and how I got here. Thanks for all the support.**


	18. Not A Single One

**Edward**

I fell asleep sometime during the night in that damn chair. I only left Bella's side to piss and get something to eat or munch on. Alice migrated in and out of the room to make or take some phone calls and sleep in the waiting room. I was hoping that Bella would wake up before her parents got here. I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her things - important things. Unfortunately I didn't get the chance.

"I'm looking for my daughter Isabella Swan!" A voice boomed out in the hallway. I cursed under my breath and shifted in my seat. I knew it was her father. And he already scared the shit out of me.

My eyes widened as a large man stepped into the room. His mustache was almost overpowering his face, only overshadowed by his thick eyebrows above his dark as night eyes. His face was permanently etched into a worried expression, the lines and wrinkles apparent across his skin.

His eyes darted between me in the chair and his daughter lying in the bed. He didn't say a word to me as he bounded across the floor and pushed his way in front of me. My chair pushed back a little, screeching across the floor as my hand was ripped from hers.

"Excuse me." I said in disbelief.

"Charlie?" A petite woman was suddenly in the doorway, her hand covering her mouth as she took in the sight. This must be her mother.

"She's alright…" Charlie muttered. He stroked Bella's hand back and forth. "She's alright." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

"Daddy?"

I peeked around Charlie and sighed in relief when I saw Bella's eyes were open. They looked tired and weak, but they were open.

"Hey baby…" Charlie whispered. Her mom rushed to her side and started crying.

"Mom? What are you guys doing here? I don't understand." Bella shook her head and her eyes glanced towards me.

"Sweetie you had a little accident," her mother said.

"Could you give us a little privacy?" Charlie didn't even look at me, but I knew I was the one he was speaking to.

"No he can stay," Bella protested.

"No it's okay. I'll give you a few minutes. I'll be back." I nodded to Bella and tried to smile so she wouldn't panic. She didn't smile back.

I took a slow walk down the hallway and met up with Alice. I told her that Bella's parents were here and that they were speaking to her now. Bella had no idea the gravity of the situation. Hell even though I knew, I didn't understand it. I was scared for her.

Alice and I waited outside for a long time before Bella's mother stepped outside, wiping at her eyes.

"Renee?" Alice asked.

"Alice. Hi honey." I shifted uncomfortably as they embraced and cried together. "You must be Edward." She finally turned towards me and smiled. "I apologize for Bella's father's behavior. He's just very anxious right now."

"No worries." I shrugged.

"It's nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances." She leaned forward and hugged me.

"Yeah. Did you tell her?"

"Yes. We have a meeting with her oncologist in less than an hour."

Charlie stepped out of the room, interrupting our conversation with a stare that almost made me shit my pants.

"Edward?" He asked. I nodded. "She's asking for you."

I excused myself and slowly walked into Bella's room, my hands in my pockets and my head towards the ground. When I finally looked up, she was looking out the window just waiting for me. She looked nervous. Her fingers were moving frantically against each other and she was biting her lip harder than usual.

"Hey baby…" I smiled and stepped between her and the window.

"Hey," she whispered.

I sat down again and took her hand in mine. We didn't say anything for a long time. The only sound was the beeps from her machines and the soft murmur of voices talking outside the room.

"Bella tell me about Ben…" I asked.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because we don't have any secrets anymore." I stared at her and almost felt bad that I was unconsciously bullying her into telling me. I didn't mean to. "I'm sorry." I shook my head. "I'm sorry you don't have to, I'm just…tired." I ran my fingers through my hair and rested my head on my free hand.

Her eyes turned back to the window and she sighed. "We met when I was fifteen. High school sweethearts they called us." She smiled a little. "He used to take me to the diner and get me root beer floats whenever I was feeling a little down because he knew they made me feel better. And he stood up for me when some of the popular kids made fun of my braces. And he always brought me roses on my birthday." She looked at me and her smile fell. "And he stood by me when I found out I was sick."

"And then one day he didn't."

She looked down at our fingers, lazy and entwined together like a knotted rope. "I don't blame him Edward." Her voice broke as she spoke. "It was just…everyday. There was always something. I saw the toll it took on him, on my entire family. He got depressed, starting failing his classes because he was always at my house helping. One day it just got to be too much. He walked into my room looking like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown and told me he couldn't do it anymore and I didn't argue with him."

"But…God Bella! You didn't get a break. You had to deal with it…everyday. I know it must have been hard but I still can't understand how he could ever live with himself for leaving you like that! He took the easy way out! You don't…you don't do that to someone you love."

"I'm glad he did. I don't want someone I love going through that." When her eyes met mine I knew she was talking about me. I was losing her.

"But your parents…"

"They're my parents Edward. They don't have a choice."

"I don't have a choice!" I yelled. I slammed my fist against my chest as I tried to explain it to her. "I don't have a choice Bella. I am here and I love you."

"Edward…I love you too, but-"

"No." I shook my head. "I know you won't admit it to yourself but when he left you, it gutted your heart. You needed him and you think you're saving yourself the heartache by pushing me away before I leave you too. Don't you do that…" I gently took her face in my hands and shook my head again. "Don't you push me away."

"I'm not pushing you away Edward…" A tear fell down her cheek. "I'm setting you free." She nodded and clamped her jaw shut so tight that I thought she was going to shatter it.

"Bella please. I love you."

"Bella?" Charlie peeked his head into the room. I looked away to try and compose myself.

"Just go," she whispered.

"What are you going to do huh? You going to shut Alice out too? You can't push people away just because they have the nerve to give a shit!"

"Edward." Charlie placed his hand on his hips and sighed.

I didn't want to cause another scene, but I guess it was just in my nature. If I couldn't get her to understand now, I guess I'd have to find another way. I'd let her have her space…for now.

"You can tell me to get the hell out a million times but I'm not going anywhere. My heart…is not going anywhere. Because it's here with you no matter where I am Bella. And you can call me a corny asshole, but I don't care. It's here." I stomped my foot because I was so fucking irritated and stormed out.

Alice and Renee stood completely paralyzed by the door as I brushed by them. I was sure they heard everything. Hell, everyone within a one mile radius probably heard me. I didn't mean to blow up at her, I know she's probably petrified right now but I'm not letting this happen. She's not hiding now.

I knew that all of my supplies had all been destroyed by the fire, but I walked towards where the studio had been anyway. I hadn't really thought about it much since last night, but it hit me that I could possibly be in a lot of trouble for it. I mean I know it was an accident, but who knows if my landlord is going to freak out about it. That was all I needed right now. Arson charges.

The building was completely gone and it looked like the buildings surrounding it sustatined a little smoke damage, but nothing major. I was surprised to see my landlord walking around the rubble with another man dressed in a suit. Most likely a fire inspector or an insurance agent. I turned around and quickly headed the other way, hoping he wouldn't see me.

"Mr. Cullen?" He called.

"Shit." I rubbed my forehead. "Yeah?" I spun back around.

"Just the man I wanted to see." He started towards me with a smile, but I couldn't tell what kind of smile it was.

"Listen…I'm really sorry about what happened. It was my cigarette and…"

"It was the best damn thing that could have happened." He patted me on the back and I thought that I was hearing things.

"Excuse me?"

"This here is Rod. My insurance agent. That building was insured for a whole lot more money than I ever would have got selling the son of a bitch. Can you believe that?"

"So you aren't pressing charges?"

"Pressing charges? Hell boy I'll buy you a beer." He patted me on the back again and turned back to Rod.

"Excellent," I said sarcastically. That was one major disaster avoided.

I gave the charred remains one last look, trying to find any remnants of my work. It was a fool's errand. There was nothing but rubble and ash.

I made my way to the same store I usually bought all of my supplies at and loaded up again before heading back towards the hospital. Instead of turning left into the entrance, I turned right and looked up.

I'd seen the abandoned building and its rooftop the moment I stepped out of the hospital this morning. By my estimations it seemed like it should be right across from Bella's window. I never did anything half-assed.

I climbed the steps and pushed open the door to the rooftop. There wasn't much there. There actually wasn't anything there except oxygen and concrete. A taller building stood flush against this one, providing my canvas.

I was hoping that I could work fast enough that Bella wouldn't notice me until I wanted her to. I dropped my bag along the wall and took a deep breath before starting my work.

This time was different. I wasn't necessarily painting just to paint my feelings. I was painting to prove something. I wanted to prove that what Bella and I had was worth fighting for just like her life was worth fighting for. I wanted to paint love. I wanted to paint truth. I wanted to paint us. And for the first time ever, I put myself into the image.

When I was finished I ran back to the apartment to clean up and get the last of my things ready before heading back to the hospital. I stood outside looking up at her room from the sidewalk. And I waited.

**Bella**

I woke up to the sound of my parent's voice. I thought I was hallucinating until I opened my eyes and saw my dad sitting on my bed. Except it wasn't my bed.

I knew instantly where I was. I'd been in hospitals enough to recognize their sterile white rooms. Everything was a blur in my head. I didn't remember right away how I'd gotten here. With each passing moment the details came to me in little bits and pieces.

I panicked when I saw Edward. I didn't know what my parents had told him. I couldn't tell by his facial expression.

It scared me not knowing anything. It was like I was hanging in limbo waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or the kid on the playground who doesn't know why everyone is pointing at them.

I was happy to see my parents but I wanted to talk to Edward. The only expression on his face was terrified. I must have scared the shit out of him.

I was about to ask my dad to give us a few minutes, but he took the words right out of my mouth. Before I could put up a good protest, Edward was gone and I was alone with them.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"You fainted sweetheart." My mom sat on the other side of the bed and took my hand. "Do you remember anything?"

"I was practicing with Edward and that's the last thing I remember…"

"Practicing?" My dad cocked his eyebrow. My mother sighed and narrowed her eyes at him. "Practicing what?"

"They didn't tell you?" I asked.

"They told me," my mom said. "I didn't tell him because I knew he'd overreact."

"What were you practicing Isabella?"

"Ballet Dad." I glared at him and waited for the shitstorm.

"Dance?" He stood up and started pacing around the room. "Did you forget that this was how this whole thing started last time? I mean you didn't speak up about your symptoms because you were afraid you wouldn't be able to dance? And now look at what's happened!"

"Charlie," my mom scolded.

"What do you mean? What's happened?" I looked towards my mother for some kind of answer.

"Sweetie when you fainted…they did some tests and some of them came back a little funny."

"Funny? It's not…" I shook my head.

"Now we don't know yet. Don't get yourself worried. It's probably nothing."

You'd think hearing that you might have cancer would have an overwhelming affect on you. Like you'd panic about yourself. Pain. Sickness. Death. And I even surprised myself that the first thought that ran through my mind wasn't me. It was him.

If I wasn't sure of it before I was now. I don't know how I knew, but I did. Edward knew. He knew about my illness and almost everything that went along with it. My breath hitched in my throat as the cold, paralyzing fear rushed through every inch of my body. I was numb as my parents talked to me about doctors and tests. It was only a soft mumble to me. My head and my heart were racing a mile a minute trying to make sense of everything.

I'm going to lose him. I know he'll argue with me and tell me different but I know how the story ends. It's too much for one person to bare. And he loves me. God I know he loves me, but I won't sit by helplessly while I watch him experience my illness with me. I won't do that to him. I know nothing is definitive yet, but I think I knew it deep down in my bones. I was in a fight for my life and the battle hadn't even begun yet.

I closed my eyes and played our story in my head like a movie. It was more than I could ever ask for. He was more. He'd shown me more love, more beauty, more life than I'd ever known. And so I'd do the one thing that would save him. The last gift I would ever give him. I'd let him go.

I barely noticed my mother stepping out of the room until I heard his voice. Despite everything I'd been through I knew the next ten minutes were going to be the hardest of my life. I asked my dad to get Edward and took the few moments I was alone to compose myself.

I could barely look at him when he came in, knowing that I was about to break both of our hearts. He wouldn't understand that I was doing this for him.

He asked me about Ben, which surprised me a little. I told him everything he wanted to know and tried to explain his side of it. I thought maybe he'd accept my decision a little better now that he knew. That didn't happen of course. He got angry. He argued and yelled and screamed and caused a scene like I knew he would. And I just threw out the words like daggers, cutting him deeper and deeper. I honestly didn't even know what I was saying. I put myself on autopilot to save my heart the pain of really being there for this. I knew it wouldn't survive.

I didn't fall apart until he left. My mother came in absolute panicked because I was sobbing so loud. She thought I was in pain or something. She called for the nurses. They gave me a low dose of pain medication even though they couldn't understand why I was in pain. They had no idea what I'd just done. I don't think I had any idea what I'd done until that moment.

The pain meds made me numb at least. My mother held me, rubbing my back until my crying ceased. By that time it was time for my meeting with my oncologist.

"Does Edward want to come to the appointment with us honey? I know you probably want him there." My mother helped me out of bed.

"He's not here," I said softly.

"Well we can call him."

"No Mom!" I said harshly. "I mean he isn't coming back."

"Oh. Okay."

"Probably for the best," my dad mumbled. I was too emotionally drained to even work up a decent reaction to his disdain. He didn't even know Edward and I'm sure he was just frustrated with the situation. I was his little girl, ever since I was a baby I was his. Sometimes he forgets that I'm a grown woman.

We walked down to another room that had some chairs and couch. I felt claustrophobic already. I knew what this room was. The room was so heavy that I felt like I couldn't breathe.

It was where they talked to the families after surgery.

The doctor walked in a few moments after we sat down. My parents shook his hand as I stared blankly ahead.

"How are you doing Isabella?" He asked.

I stared at him silently until he sat down. I didn't want to insult his intelligence since I was planning on him saving my life, but that was the dumbest question I'd ever been asked.

He went over my tests results again, except this time instead of just telling my parents he showed them on a little piece of paper. I barely heard a word he said. The only thing I comprehended was biopsy and "prepare yourselves" which probably wasn't a good thing. I just kept wishing Edward was here and I started to wonder if I'd made a mistake.

After we left the room, my parents got permission to take me to the cafeteria to eat some dinner. I didn't eat much, just pushed the food around on my plate.

The next thing I knew we were walking back to my room. I guess more time had passed than I thought. I noticed the sun was no longer high in the sky. It was starting its descend behind the buildings and would be gone in an hour or so.

My mother helped me to my bed while my dad talked to the nurses outside. She sat down beside me and smiled as she looked out the window. A small gasp escaped her lips as her hand flew to her mouth.

"Mom what is it?" I asked.

When she didn't answer I turned my face and followed her eyes outside. The dark, dreary buildings were still across the street but there was something else. Something beautiful.

I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I stumbled towards the window and pressed my face against the glass.

"Oh honey…" My mom murmured.

It was almost like everything I'd played over in my head earlier about Edward was there on the wall. My book that he ruined. The mistletoe from his parent's cabin. Ballet shoes. Paintbrushes. Mirrors. Stars. And right in the middle was me and him.

I made a big mistake. I wiped a tear away from my cheek and shook my head.

"I need to see it," I mumbled to myself. I wanted to touch it and feel the brick against my skin. I knew I'd probably never make it all the way over there before they stopped me, but I could try. It was the last piece of him I had left. And I knew that he painted it for me.

I turned around and rushed out of the room as fast as my legs would carry me. My mother ran behind me, screaming at me to stop. My father soon followed, but I didn't listen.

I was thankful that I had sweatpants on underneath my hospital gown as I fumbled down the stairs to the main level. I made my way through the emergency waiting room and outside. I looked up at the buildings and across the street trying to find where I could get in. I knew I didn't have much time. My dad would be down here in a matter of moments and be pissed off as all hell.

Someone cleared their throat beside me and I realized I was too late. I was about to get hauled back to my room and probably strapped down to the bed after my escape attempt.

I slowly turned my body, expecting to find my father standing there. It wasn't him.

Edward stood in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. He was dressed in a nice jacket, shirt and pants like he was going to some fancy restaurant. The poster he held in his hands was simple and to the point. I scolded myself for being so stupid and not realizing it myself. All it took was the three small words scribbled across the front in black marker. _I'm not him._

"I know," I whispered.

Edward dropped the poster and took a few steps, closing the distance between us.

"I'll buy us a house. Or get you a fucking cat. Or even an engagement ring. What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere?"

"You're doing it," I mumbled.

"Okay good. Can we go back inside now? You look like some crazy escaped patient." He smirked at me and I finally gave in and threw my arms around him. He scooped me up in his arms and carried me inside.

I leaned in and smelled him, savoring his scent. I brushed my lips against his skin, relishing in his taste. And I pressed my chest against his, taking in the very essence of him. He was giving me his fucking heart and soul and I would be a fool to turn away from it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry I freaked out."

"It's okay."

I didn't notice my parents until they stepped onto the elevator with us. My dad looked indifferent to our embrace, but my mother was on the verge of tears. I don't think she ever believed I would find this kind of love even though she wanted it for me with all of her heart.

He carried me silently back to my room and laid me down in my bed.

"Thank you for bringing her back Edward." My dad placed his hands on his hips like he was waiting for Edward to leave again.

"Will you lay with me?" I asked. I took Edward's hand and pulled him down into the bed with me.

He gently placed his body next to mine and brushed my hair away from my face as he placed soft kisses across my skin.

"Edward…I think you should let her rest…" My dad started.

"Dad?" I took a deep breath, but couldn't break away from Edward's eyes. "I love you, but get the hell out."

"Isabella?" He asked.

"Don't make her say it again Charlie," Renee said. She stepped between Charlie and us. She crossed her arms in front of him and gave him the look. He sighed and stepped out of the room. My mom turned around and winked before following him out and closing the door behind her.

I told Edward what I could remember from the meeting with the doctors and he listened intently. He made me promise I'd let him be there for the biopsy and the results and anything that might come after that. And for the first time, we had no secrets. Not a single one.

**A/N:**

**Now you really didn't think Graffitiward was going to let her push him away that easily right? : )**

**A few announcements.**

**Me and ImHereToReview are trying to get together an author collab story. It will be very light and require very little time commitment from each author (as in one chapter). If you're interested, contact either of us for more details because we need more authors and would love for you to participate. It'd be a great qway to get into writing or take a break from your work right now.  
**

**Also please check out the post secret prompt contest (it's under my favorite authors). It's the first contest I'm entering and even though I won't be able to tell you which entry is mine, you should check them all out once they all get posted and make sure to vote for your favorite. **

**Lastly, thank you so much for all of your messages and reviews of encouragement for the last chapter and thank you for sharing some of your stories. It means a lot.**

**XOXO**

**Mandy**


	19. Breakable

**SM owns Twilight. kdillin is my amazing beta.**

* * *

**Bella**

They took me in for the biopsy right away. I always hated the anesthesia. It made me panic and feel like I had no control. It wasn't like I really had control over much in my life right now, especially my body. But I hated it nonetheless.

Edward held my hand until I was out of it enough for them to wheel me into the room. I remember the green tile and all the shiny instruments and then nothing.

I slowly began to register noises around me. My body felt numb and I was swimming in darkness, but I could at least hear them. Or him. I heard Edward clear as day asking the nurse every five minutes when I was going to wake up. I smiled, or at least imagined I was smiling through my drugged up haze, thinking about the frustrated look on his face as he glared at her. Edward was anything but patient when it came to me. I'd have to tell him that these things take time. I know I'll wake up when I'm ready.

Since I was starting to come around, I used my time to think about everything and compose myself. I knew I was going to be fighting for my life. I'd known it ever since they told me something was off. I wasn't going to pretend to be hopeful that it would come back negative, because I knew better. I knew my body. And right now it was gearing up for an epic battle.

I didn't want to fall apart again. Imagine the worst hangover you've ever had. And now multiply that by one thousand. That's what chemo is like. My body was going to hurt in ways that will make me want to die. I won't be able to keep food down. I'll lose weight, probably enough to make me look like I'd been kept in a closet for months without food. My skin will pale. I'll most likely lose my hair. It won't be quick. One morning I'll wake up to a few strands on my pillow before it starts coming out in handfuls. And then I'll be bald, weak and trying desperately not to die. And I wasn't going to complain.

Edward was another story. He would complain. He would tell the doctors they aren't doing enough. He would tell me I'm beautiful even when I feel like a freak. And he would love me no matter what. I knew that now and it was everything that I needed to get through this. I hope.

"I think she's waking up," someone mumbled. I assumed it was the nurse because I didn't recognize it.

I decided it was time to wake up. I'd talked through the conversation I wanted to have with myself and was ready to get everything started.

I was starting to feel the pain centering on where they'd done the biopsy. It wasn't terrible, only slightly uncomfortable.

"Bella." Edward rushed to my side and took my hand in his. "Are you hurting? Are you in pain? What can I do?"

"Just give me a minute babe," I mumbled, my voice thick with sleep. "Just a minute." I swallowed a couple times and took a deep breath. I finally turned towards him and smiled. "I'm in a little pain, but it's manageable." I didn't want to lie to him. No secrets anymore.

The nurse came over and told me she was going to give me a little bit of pain medication in my IV so I wouldn't be in more pain when the other medications wore off.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad pain wise. I slept on and off for most of it, but I knew Edward and my parents didn't sleep at all. I heard tidbits of their conversation. Or the sound of them pacing around the room.

My dad left to get something to eat and I pretended to sleep. Edward had been perched by the window while my mother sat beside me.

"Edward can I ask you something?" She asked.

"Of course."

"Why do you love her?"

I held my breath, wondering why she would ask such a question and wondering how he would answer it.

"I love her because she brings out the best version of me. I love her because she understands like nobody else. I love her because I don't know how not to. And I love her because she's all the things I'll never be and never thought I could ever have."

"Good."

"Why do you ask?"

"Because it's my job to ask. And I wanted to make sure you loved her how I love her. Because this road is one of the toughest you'll ever travel kid and I want to make sure you're along for the ride."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

I allowed myself to slip back into a deep sleep and didn't wake up until it was dark again.

The next couple of days waiting for the results were agonizing. It was like every tick of the clock dragged on for an eternity. And we had nothing to do but sit there and watch it pass.

On the morning of the third day, my doctor came in and asked us to meet him down in his office. Edward helped me out of bed and held my hand as we walked down the hallway. My parents followed close behind and even though I knew my dad still wasn't very fond of Edward, he didn't say anything. I think my mom would have knocked him over the head and sent him to the ER with a massive head laceration.

I turned off my ears once I sat down. I didn't want to listen to what he was about to tell us and I didn't know if I could handle their reaction. The only thing I concentrated on was Edward's hand wrapped tightly around mine. It was so comforting, so warm. He made me feel safe even in the most dangerous situations. As the doctor began to speak I focused on it, memorizing the lines on his hands even though I already knew them by heart.

When I finally looked up at his face I wished I hadn't. Behind all the mumblings I was hearing from the doctor, he must have told them. Edward's face had completely drained of its color. His other hand reached up to shield his eyes and I knew it was because he was about to cry. He was tough like that. He didn't cry.

I leaned over and pressed my lips lightly over his cheek and he glanced at me from underneath the shade of his hand. I could still see the tears glistening in his eyes and I tried to smile to comfort him a little.

"I love you," I whispered in his ear. He sniffled and nodded as he tightened his grip on my hand.

The next thing I knew Edward was helping me back up out of my chair. We shuffled back down the hallway to my room and he helped me back into the bed. I noticed my parents had fallen a little behind, but they finally stepped within hearing range. I stretched my neck and tried to get a peek of them. They stood just outside the door, talking amongst themselves.

"So they'll start the chemo as soon as possible…" My mother said, nodding her head reassuringly. "That'll work right?" She looked up at my father.

"It did last time." He sighed and rubbed his forehead. He never showed a lot of emotion, but I knew this affected him more than he ever let show. My mother nodded again before she started sobbing into his chest. I had to look away.

For the slightest moment that feeling of guilt crept back into my head. I hated that I was doing this to them. It was my fault that they were in pain. And even though I couldn't control what happened to my body and I didn't cause this, I was still the reason.

"It's not your fault that they love you like they do," Edward mumbled.

"It's just hard." I ran my fingers through my hair and it hit me that I wouldn't be able to do that much longer. I started playing with it, twirling and twisting it through my fingers.

"You shouldn't be worried about anyone but you right now okay? I want you to focus on you."

"Edward I'm going to be focusing on nothing but my bed and the bathroom for a long time. I want to enjoy what I have right now okay?"

"Okay."

"Will you play with my hair?" I smiled as I glanced over at him.

"Are you sure? I might fuck it up."

"It's going to fall out anyway."

He glared at me for my bad joke, but got up from his chair anyway. I reached for a few hair ties I had on the table and scooted forward so he could sit behind me.

I shivered as his fingers started lightly scratching through my hair, from my head all the way down to the ends.

"Alright. Let's see what we can do here." He grabbed a hair tie and split my hair in two. I laughed as he did his shitty pigtails that were totally uneven and lacked any kind of style. It was fine though. I loved it anyway. He experimented with braids and buns and things I didn't even know before he settled on a loose pony at the nape of my neck.

"Is it my turn?" I asked. I spun around and settled my legs over his thighs.

"Oh I don't know about that." He smiled and shook his head.

"Just let me work my magic. You'll look even more handsome than you do now."

"Alright fine." He rested his hands on my hips as I reached up and fingered his hair. I grabbed two bunches towards the front and braided them so it looked like he had tiny horns coming out the front of his head.

"I like this look." I laughed and kissed his cheek.

"I look like an idiot." He peeked around me and caught himself in the bathroom mirror. "Thank you."

"I'd take you to bed looking like that," I whispered. For a moment I'd completely forgotten that I was in the hospital or that I was about to start chemotherapy again. I was back in our apartment, in my bed with him. And everything was back to normal.

"You've already got me in bed." He smirked and kissed me. I smiled against his lips and parted mine, taking him in deeper.

His fingers tightened on my waist and pulled me closer to him. I was about to push my hips against his when my father cleared his throat from the doorway.

I pulled back slowly and placed one more kiss on Edward's lips before I turned towards Charlie.

"Dad."

"I think you should get some rest Bella."

"I'm fine…" I started to protest.

"No he's right," Edward interrupted. "You should get some rest. I'll just sit beside you."

"Edward I don't want you to sit in a chair all night. That's ridiculous. Go home and sleep, it's okay."

"No." He shook his head.

"Yes." I leaned in closer. "Maybe you could go for a walk and paint me some pretty pictures? Please?"

"Bella…" He pleaded.

"Edward go."

I didn't want him to spend every waking minute in this hospital room. It would break him. He wasn't leaving me and I wasn't letting him go. It was more of a time out from all of this. And I was okay with it. I had to be here all the time. He didn't.

"Go," I said again. I'll be right here when you get back."

He stared at me for a few minutes and I didn't think he would listen to me. He finally got up and hesitantly kissed me and told me he'd be back in a little bit. I smiled and watched him walk towards the door and leave.

**Edward**

I didn't want to leave, but I knew she'd give me hell for it if I didn't listen to her. And I knew that this time was different. She wasn't pushing me away or even letting me go. She was just giving me a break. And as much as I hated to admit it I needed one. I just felt guilty as hell because she didn't get to have a break from her life. She had to lay in that hospital bed for hours on end and here I am walking freely out in the streets.

I went and bought some new supplies before heading out to the streets. It'd been awhile since I just painted. With Bella's mural it was all about proving something and I gladly did it. But this was just for me. Maybe it helped me get out all of my thoughts about how fucked up everything was. Maybe it was cathartic. Maybe it was nothing more than paint on brick. I was just finishing up when a voice called from behind me.

"Excuse me sir?"

I spun around and cursed, thinking it was a cop and I was going to get arrested for vandalism. I almost dropped my shit and ran, but I noticed he definitely wasn't a cop. Or if he was he was undercover, because that denim jacket looked nothing like a police uniform.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

"I hope so." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a business card. "My name is Paul and I'm a photographer looking to do some work with graffiti artists. Would you be interested in showcasing your work?"

I took the business card and looked it over. He looked pretty legit, but there was no fucking way I was doing this. Last time I thought about showing off my work my studio burnt down and my girlfriend got sick.

"No thanks. I'm not interested." I handed him back his card and started to walk away.

"Hey!" He chased after me. "Wait. Look buddy I'm not one to say this all the time, but your work is good. Some of the best I've seen out here and this is a real opportunity for you to get noticed. At least take my card in case you change your mind. I'll be working for at least a few more months so please just…take it." He held out his card again.

I tapped my foot and shook my head. "Fine," I sighed. "But don't plan on hearing from me."

"Done. Nice to meet you…"

"Edward. I'm Edward."

"Edward." He nodded. "Good luck."

"Same to you," I mumbled as he walked away. I twirled the business card between my fingers before plopping it into my pocket.

I headed back to the apartment and found a note from Alice telling me she was doing a quick photo shoot. I didn't want to tell her the news yet, not until she got home. I knew she was going to be upset and I didn't want her falling apart in front of a camera and a ton of people.

I walked into the bathroom and stared at the bathtub for a long time as I debated. Baths were for pussies and I've only taken one once before when I was sick as hell with the flu, but a part of me just wanted to relax.

"Fuck it." I leaned over, turned on the hot water and undressed before sinking into the water. I reached over into my jeans pocket and grabbed my lighter and my pack of cigarettes that I'd been holding off on. I think I was entitled to one damn cigarette with everything going on.

I quickly lit one and rested my head back on the edge of the bathtub. I rubbed my forehead as the calming waves of the nicotine started coursing through my veins. I laid in the water until it grew cool and my fingertips were waterlogged.

When I finished I wrapped a towel around my waist. I leaned up against the sink and stared at myself in the mirror before lighting another cigarette. My phone blinked at me, indicating that I'd missed a call and had a voicemail.

I pushed a few buttons and put it on speakerphone.

"Hey honey…it's Mom. Listen Alice called and told us what's going on with Bella. I'm so sorry Edward. Let us know how the test results turn out. We're here for you and we love you. Send Bella our best."

My fingers shook as I dialed her number. I figured I should probably call her back and let her know about all the developments.

"Edward?"

"Hey Mom."

"How are you doing?"

The tears prickled behind my eyes and I couldn't fight it anymore. I barely held it together earlier with Bella. I knew she'd seen me at the edge, but I didn't fall. And now I was about to crash.

"It's malignant. It's bad Mom, it's really bad." I cried. "I don't know what to do." I could barely see through the blur of my tears. "I…I don't know."

I leaned back and slid down the wall as I felt my knees buckle beneath me. I told myself I wouldn't do this. I was supposed to be strong for her and here I was falling apart on our bathroom floor. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be happy. We were supposed to….live together. Be together. She was my forever and now that my forever is in doubt I don't know how to be.

"Everything's going to be okay sweetie. Dad and I are on our way….Carlisle start the car! Hold on. We'll be there in a few hours."

I hung up the phone and let it fall to the floor. I just sat there for hours in nothing but my towel. I heard the front door open and close and then Alice's voice. She wasn't alone.

"Edward?" My father knocked on the door and peeked his head in. "Esme get him some clothes please?"

He stepped inside and grabbed the pile of clothes from my mom before closing the door behind him.

"Here. Get dressed son, that can't be comfortable." He handed me the clothes and turned around to give me a little privacy.

"I don't think a good pair of sweatpants will make me feel comfortable."

Alice started screaming out in the living room and I assumed my mother must have told her. It was probably a good thing that they were here. Alice needed them. And I'll admit that I needed them. Despite the sometimes-shaky relationship I had with my father, I was really glad he was here. In that moment I realized I was still a little boy who depended on his parents to make everything better when it turned to shit. The sad thing was that there was nothing they could do. It made me want to vomit.

"Take a moment to compose yourself. And then let's get to the hospital," he said.

"What?"

"I'm a doctor Edward. This isn't my specialty obviously, but I'm willing to help in anyway that I can." He patted me lightly on the back and pulled me in closer. I held it together as he hugged me and slipped out of the bathroom.

I ran my fingers through my hair and took a few moments to myself before I stepped out into the living room. Alice was on the couch, her head resting in my mother's lap as she cried. I knew she was hurting. This was her best friend. She'd probably been living in fear this whole time of what could be. And now it's happened. It's her worst fucking nightmare.

I knelt down beside her and brushed her hair away from her face. "Ali?"

She looked up at me and sniffled. "I'm scared Edward."

"She's being so brave sweetheart. You know what we did right after we met with her doctors? She asked me to play with her hair." I tried to smile and make her feel a little better. "And then she did mine and gave me these fucking ridiculous braid horns."

She finally cracked a small smile and sat up. "I want to go see her. Please."

We gathered up our stuff and headed to the hospital. The nurses tried to tell us visiting hours were over. I glared at them and told them it was too fucking bad. Carlisle sweet-talked them and name-dropped a few doctors that worked there and they finally let us in to see her.

I stepped in first and asked my family to wait one second. Bella was alone in the room. She was awake and playing with her hair again. I think as much as she joked about it, she was terrified about losing her hair. She'd be fucking beautiful regardless, but I knew it would upset her.

"Hey beautiful," I mumbled. She looked up towards me and her face lit up. "I just wanted to let you know I'm back, but I have someone who wants to see you." I pushed Alice through the door and stepped back so they could have some privacy.

Alice slowly walked towards her and lightly touched her hand.

"I'm not going to break Alice. Come on." Bella pulled her blanket back and welcomed Alice to lay down with her. I turned away as they pulled the covers over their heads and started talking. It reminded me of a little fort and made me smile for some reason. I think I was desperate to turn any of these moments into a normal thing, despite the fact that they weren't. It was my last hope of keeping my sanity in here.

I walked over to Carlisle, who was standing at the nurse's station talking with another doctor. I recognized him as the man who we'd met with earlier and he greeted me with a nod. They talked back and forth using a ton of medical terms that I couldn't even begin to understand. I leaned up against the counter and waited for them to finish. Even though I knew the next step was chemo, I wanted to know more.

"So what do we do now?" I asked.

Carlisle set down the file he was looking at which was most likely Bella's. "What are we going to do?" He asked. "We're going to fight like hell."

* * *

**A/N: My heart goes out to everyone who has experienced the aftermath of finding out a loved one has cancer. I know how slow the world moves. I know that you never thought you could feel that much pain. This is for you guys.**

**

* * *

**

**Lots of good news!**

**First of all, my story Code of Conduct has been nominated for the Queen of Hearts Category in the Walk of Fame Awards. Thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever nominated me. I've never been nominated for anything and it means a lot so thank you again. **

**Secondly, the amazing SparklingWand has graciously interviewed me as a Spotlight Author for her blog. Keep an eye out for updates on when that will be posted.**

**Thirdly, voting has opened for the Post Secret Prompt contest! Even though I can't tell you which entry is mine because its anonymous, I'd appreciate you checking out all the entries and voting for your top 3 in the poll on the main page. It's listed under my favorite authors : )**

**I've started the second round of the One Shot Soundtrack. If you're interested in participating in this music inspired one shot soundtrack, visit our profile for details. It's ossoundtrack**

**Lastly, the ffcollab has begun! I finished the first chapter and posted it a few days ago. It's called the Peep Hole Chronicles and you guys should definitely check it out. It should be a good one. **


	20. The Last Supper

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. Thanks to kdillin for always being an amazing beta.**

* * *

**Bella**

The first day of my treatment started like any other day. The sun rose in the east. I got up and showered in that God-awful bathroom shower. When I got out Edward was sipping coffee and watching Regis and Kelly. We didn't speak. The weight of today was heavy enough to smother both of us without weighing it down with words that couldn't do it justice.

My parents were talking with Dr. Cullen outside while we waited to go down to the room for my chemo. Edward helped me change into a new, clean gown and I sat down on his lap as we watched the newest hilarious commercial. Neither of us laughed.

"Is it like in the movies?" He whispered. He leaned forward and kissed my neck.

"What?"

"Chemo."

"The feeling like shit part? Yes. But they do tend to be overly dramatic."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop it." I turned towards him. "You have nothing to be sorry for and I'm not going to go through this with you looking at me like that all the time. I just need you to be here okay? Can you just…try?"

"Okay I'll try, but I'm not promising a fucking thing. Other than I'll be here every time. I can't promise you I won't feel pain for you Bella. Because I will." He nodded.

The nurse finally came in wheeling a chair for me. I insisted that I was fine to walk but I knew on the way back I might be. For the most part you feel okay right after, but you never know when it's going to hit. The antinausea drugs usually worked pretty well, but I was gearing up for the headache from Lucifer himself.

Edward helped me into my chair and wheeled me outside. My dad smiled at me and kissed the top of my head before we started ambling down the hallway. We took the elevator up two floors. When we exited onto the floor, Edward looked to the right and stopped. The hallway was decorated with posters, quilts and artwork.

"What's that?" He asked.

"Children's Oncology Unit," I mumbled.

We were led into a large room where I'd be taking me treatment with a few other patients. Edward wheeled me next to a woman who looked like she was in her 30's. She was incredibly pale and had a cupcake covered scarf wrapped around her bald scalp. She smiled at me and closed her eyes.

"I'll be right back okay?" Edward said. I nodded and he went to talk with my parents and the doctors.

"What are you in for?" The woman next to me smirked and turned towards me.

"Uh…" I stuttered.

"Chemo cocktail? Watch out it gives you a hell of a hangover. I'm Zafrina." She leaned over and shook my hand. I winced as I noticed her IV tugging at her skin.

"Bella."

"Is that your man?" She nodded towards Edward.

"Yeah."

"He seems like a good catch. Hold onto him."

"With everything I have."

The nurse came over and checked Zafrina's IV before disconnecting it and taking it with her.

"That's my cue. I guess I'll be seeing you?" The nurse started wheeling her away.

"I guess so." I smiled and offered her a wave as she left.

I zoned out watching my family talk to one another. The nurse came over and attached my first IV and I didn't even notice. I knew the drill. A couple bags of saline. An antinausea bag. Then came the big show.

Edward came over as soon as it started and asked for an explanation of what they were doing. I knew it all like the back of my hand, but it was kind of cute that he was so invested even if he didn't quite understand everything. I know he probably knew most than the average person due to his circumstances and I could see him trying to separate his emotions so he could try to comprehend, but I knew he was struggling. It proved more than anything how much he loved me and I realized then how incredibly lucky I was. It seemed crazy right? I'm sitting here getting chemo and facing death, yet I feel lucky.

The nurse changed my bag and Edward immediately asked if I was feeling okay. I told him I was fine. It was usually hours after the treatment when the side effects started. I wasn't sure how it was going to affect me this time. It could be different, better or worse than last time. That was part of what made cancer so scary. It was unknown. Completely uncharted territory. You could meet someone who has the same condition as you and they could have a completely different experience. It's like you're always coming up to a bend in the road and you have no idea what's going to be there. Is it life or death? Joy or disappointment? It almost made it hate surprises.

My parents eventually came and sat with us for the rest of the treatment. Dr. Cullen kept checking on me and making sure I was doing okay. A few hours later I was back in my room. Alice stopped in. She had been on a shoot all day and was upset with herself that she couldn't be there all day. She threatened to get herself fired, but I told her I'd slap her if she did.

My parents had rented out a small apartment indefinitely and naturally thought I would be joining them once the hospital cleared me to go home. I was strong enough for now to travel to the hospital for my treatments. As long as I stayed that way I could be at home.

"You're all set to go Bella," Carlisle said. "Just take it easy…you know how it can be. If you sense anything out of the ordinary, Edward has my number and don't hesitate to come back up here."

"I think I can handle it Dr. Cullen. I've done this before you know." I smiled and pulled myself over to the wheelchair they'd brought in for me.

"So we'll see you at our place then?" My dad asked.

Edward cleared his throat and looked down at me. I knew he wanted to take care of me, but he wouldn't argue if I said I wanted to go with them. It was the farthest thing from what I wanted.

"Dad I'm going home."

"That's ridiculous honey. We're going to take care of you."

"And I appreciate that. You're welcome to stop by or even stay on the couch if you'd like. I love you guys and I want you to be here. But I'll be staying at my apartment. That's my home and there's no place else I'd rather be."

"Bella," he lowered his voice. "I understand, but honey he doesn't know what to expect. I think it'd just be better if you stayed with us…"

"Talk about me like I'm not here Charlie…" Edward said.

"Charlie." My mom narrowed her eyes at him. "Bella is an adult. She's not five years old anymore." She leaned over and kissed my cheek. "We'll stop by in the morning if that's okay?"

"Yeah Mom that'd be great." I nodded.

"Call us if you need anything, both of you." She looked up at Edward and surprised me when she kissed his cheek.

"Thank you Renee," Edward said.

"I love you baby." She wrapped her arms around Charlie and started slowly pulling him away.

"I love you too Mom. Love you Daddy!"

Charlie turned back and a slight smile spread across his face. I knew despite his controlling ways, I had him wrapped around my finger when I called him that. Whenever I said it, he looked at me like I was still his little girl in ribbons and curls. In some ways I still was. I wanted him there to protect me. Sometimes he just protected me from the wrong things.

Edward caught us a cab while I waited inside the warmth of the hospital. He wheeled me out and helped me into the cab. Once we got back to the apartment he wanted to carry me up the stairs but I refused.

"I'm not that weak yet Edward," I mumbled.

He stood right beside me as we slowly made our way up the stairs, ready to catch me if I needed it. Alice was already waiting for us when we got to the door. She had a cup of coffee and a blanket ready. I thanked her and we all sat down on the couch and watched each other in silence.

"I want a cheeseburger and chili cheese fries," I said. I looked expectantly towards Edward.

"Sweetheart don't you think you should have something more healthy?" He asked. He reached over and took my hand.

"It's the last supper." I shrugged. "Edward I only have a few days left before I'm going to either have no appetite or be throwing up everything I eat. I just want to eat what I want while I can. Please." It seemed like a little thing. A cheeseburger. I knew it would be one of the least appetizing things once everything kicked in. Why shouldn't I enjoy it?

"I can go," Alice offered.

"No I'll go get it." Edward hopped up off the couch and reached for his wallet off the counter. "I'll be right back okay? Call me if you need anything." He rushed out the door.

Alice came over and sat down beside me. She took my hand in hers and we both stared out the window at the apartments across the street. Sometimes I'd sit and wonder what people's lives are like. Do they do the same with me? Could they ever imagine my life and what it has become?

"Are you scared?" Alice whispered.

"Yes," I answered. "I don't know how I'm supposed to be right now. It's like there's this big fat elephant in the room right now. They never tell you how to be when you go home at night. Everything's so…technical and focused at the hospitals, but once you get home you lose that feeling. Your illness doesn't go away when you walk through your front door and I don't know how we're supposed to handle the aftermath."

"Act normal?" She asked.

"What's normal? How can anyone act normal like this? I mean even if we all pretend and were the best damn actors in the world it wouldn't change anything."

"I think the point…" She turned towards me and settled her chin on my shoulder. "Is to live your life Bella. It's not asking you to forget; it's asking you to look past it. Even if just for tonight. For one moment, escape from this hell."

"I want to be with him," I mumbled, biting down on my lip. "One last time…before."

"I don't think he's going to be very easy to convince on that one sweetie."

"I know." My knee bounced up and down anxiously. "Alice I love him and I just…what if I don't…" I shook my head.

"Bella…"

"What if you were in my place Alice? Wouldn't you want one last time with Jasper?"

"What?"

"I know that you talk to him all the time. And I know that you've flown out to see him. If you had no idea when you'd get to feel him that way again, wouldn't you fight for it with all that you have to have him now?"

"Yes." She wiped a tear from her cheek. She finally smiled a little and hopped off the couch. She disappeared into her room for a minute and came back out holding a backpack. "I'm going to go stay with one my friends for the night so you two can have some time together. Do you want me to wait until he gets home?"

"No it's okay. It'll be nice to have a few minutes alone. Thanks Alice."

She told me to call her in the morning and that she'd give us as much time as we needed. And then she left.

I didn't find myself truly alone very often, but it was kind of nice. I just sat and drank my tea, escaping from the noise of the outside world. For those few moments, everything moved a little slower and seemed a little less complicated. For a little while, everything was peaceful. And I was content.

**Edward**

I smoked a cigarette while I went out to find Bella what she wanted. I guess I understood it a little. I fucking loved food. Losing my appetite would be torture and now I knew I'd be torturing her every time I ate in front of her. I'd have to be careful. It almost made me feel guilty.

Today had been stressful to say the least. I recognized a lot of the things that the doctors and nurses were saying, but I didn't necessarily understand it. I'd have to start taking notes and looking shit up. Despite how scary it could be, I wanted to know everything that was happening with her. It made me feel like I had one ounce of control, even if it was complete bullshit.

I finally found a burger place and got Bella some food. I was starving but I had no appetite, so I got myself something for later. The doorman…Dave…Dale…whatever the hell his name was flashed me a sympathetic smile when I walked back into the apartment building. I stomped up the stairs and whipped open the door. I froze as soon as I stepped inside the apartment. It was empty.

A million things flashed into my head. Terrible things. Something's wrong. She had to go back to the hospital and they didn't have time to call me. She passed out. She's gone.

"Bella?" I called out. I rushed towards Alice's room, only to find it as empty as the living room. I pushed the door open to our bedroom and sighed in relief when I saw Bella sitting on the bed. "Fuck. You scared me baby."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I was just sitting."

"Are you okay?"

"For now yes. Alice went to go stay with a friend."

"Okay." I noticed she'd lit a few candles around the room. "Burger by candlelight?" I smirked and sat down on the bed before I started pulling out her food. I set everything out in front of her and stole a few fries. Her eyes got big as she took in the smorgasbord in front of her and it made me laugh.

I'd never seen her so happy eating a burger before. She savored every bite like it was a damn filet mignon. When she finished she put her trash in the bag and set it on the floor. She scooted a little closer to me and took my hands in hers.

"Do you want anything else?" I asked. She hummed and leaned forward to press her lips against mine. I kissed her back until I felt her fingers at the top button of my jeans. "Whoa….what are you doing?" I pulled back.

She stared back at me and reached for my jeans again. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She wanted to have sex.

"No fucking way Bella." I shook my head. She'd been through enough today and I still wasn't sure how her body was going to react. I didn't want her to overdue it. My dad told her to take it easy tonight and that would definitely be the complete opposite.

"Why not?" She whispered.

"Because…I just think you need to rest."

"Edward…" She tried to kiss me and it hurt me to pull away.

"No. You have…"

"I have cancer, I know!" She said, her voice hinting at anger. "But I'm still a girl who wants her boyfriend to be with her. Because she doesn't know when she'll want him like this again. She's going to be puking her guts out into a toilet. Or in bed with the worst migraine. Or she's going to feel so weak that she's not going to want to get out of bed. Or maybe she'll lose so much weight that she won't be as beautiful to him as she once was…" She wiped a tear away from her eye. "Or she might just be nothing at all."

I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her. "Baby you'll never be nothing. Nobody is going to let that happen." I couldn't imagine a world where she was anything but everything.

"Please. Make love to me." She buried herself in my neck and started to cry. I can't say that if the position was reversed that I'd be asking any different, but I couldn't reconcile taking the risk when I knew her body had just gone through hell. "Please," she whispered against my skin.

I took a deep breath and knew I was going to give in. I couldn't deny her anything and one day it was going to get me in big trouble. I just hoped today wasn't that day. I would do anything to make her happy and if this is what it was I guess I would make it work.

I leaned back and pulled my shirt over my head. A small smile of relief spread across her face and she slowly inched forward, brushing her lips softly over my skin.

I wanted it to be about her. I wanted to give her everything that she wanted. She deserved to be loved and worshipped and feel like she was fucking floating. I wanted to give that to her.

I ran my fingers through her hair and gently pulled, tilting her head back. She pushed her hips against mine as I laid her down on the bed. She lifted her arms above her head and I shimmied her shirt off her shoulders. I was careful of her sensitive spots and didn't want anything about this to hurt her.

"You have to tell me if something's hurting you or you don't feel well okay?" I said.

"Okay." She nodded. She hooked her fingers around her pants and pulled them down. I reached down and grabbed the fabric to help her. When I reached her foot I pulled it onto my lap and started massaging her skin. I worked my way up her calf and leaned down to kiss her knee. I crawled up the bed until I reached her center. I placed my elbows on either side of her waist and looked up at her as I leaned forward.

She whimpered as my nose brushed against her and tried to push herself closer to me. I held her still, willing her to let me do the work. I swirled my tongue against her skin, up and down as she squirmed against me. My fingers danced across her hips and caressed down her thighs, grabbing hold and pushing them farther apart.

I felt the tears start to threaten from my eyes and I told them to stop. Everything hit me in that one moment. I didn't ever want to imagine Bella not here, but I couldn't help but think of it now. What if this was the last time? I wanted a lifetime with her and what if I was only granted these few months? They seemed like mere moments to me and that wasn't even close to being enough. I didn't care if I was being a pussy. I tried not to let it show because I only wanted her to know strength and love, but here it was. Fear.

She fisted my hair, holding it so tightly that it almost hurt. I liked the pain. It was proof that we were both still alive.

Her legs clenched tightly around my head as she cried out in pleasure. I kissed her one last time before trailing my lips below her bellybutton, up her stomach and across her chest. I lingered at her neck and finally reached her lips.

I kissed her and felt the moisture slip down my cheeks. I sniffled and nudged myself between her legs. A tear dropped onto her chest as I pulled my jeans down. They landed with a thud on the floor and I felt more vulnerable than I ever had before.

"It's okay," Bella mumbled. She nodded and I noticed her own tears glistening against her skin. "It's okay," she said again.

I cried as I pushed myself inside her. It felt even more complete than the first time with her. I pulled out and pushed back in, almost painstakingly slow. I didn't want to rush anything. I wanted to commit this to memory. Every touch, every feeling. Everything.

Bella wrapped her legs around my waist and brushed her lips across my shoulder.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you." I leaned down and kissed her as I continued moving inside her. We both cried again when it was over and she refused to let me go.

She started falling asleep almost instantly afterward even though she was fighting to stay awake. She kept talking to me, almost like that would help her stay awake. Her voice eventually started fading away, her words and thoughts becoming less and less coherent. She finally sighed once and her eyes finally fluttered shut. I pulled her close to my chest and kissed the top of her hair as she drifted off. I focused on her breathing, counting breaths instead of sheep as I started to float away into the darkness.

"I want to marry you," I mumbled. She snuggled closer to me and hummed against my skin.

I slept like a fucking baby. When I woke up she wasn't right beside me. I shot up out of bed and felt around the bed.

"Bella?"

I spotted her in the corner. She was sitting on the chair, her knees pulled up to her chest. Even in the shadows of the morning I could see her face buried into her knees as she rocked back and forth.

"Bella?" I jumped out of bed and rushed over to her. "What's wrong?"

"My head…It hurts. And the whole world is spinning, I just…." She trailed off and winced.

"Okay, okay. What do you need?"

"Can you just hold me?" She whimpered.

"Yeah. I can do that." I hesitantly scooped her up and carried her back over to the bed. I sat down and she curled up on my chest, her body still closed in tight together.

I guess I should have expected this. Carlisle said it wouldn't start right away, but it would start. The sickness. The pain. And here it is.

I rubbed her back and kissed her head as she toughed it out. I thought for sure it would go away after a few hours, but I guess I was comparing it to every headache I've had. It took me that long to realize that it wasn't a normal headache. This was what it was going to be like. She wouldn't get any breaks. It was going to be like this almost all the time. I wished I could absorb some of her pain and take it on myself, but I knew I couldn't. Our fight was officially here. It's started.

* * *

**Disclaimer: Okay so as far as research goes, I'm going on my personal experience with my grandma and I've also read several blogs that people have kept going through chemo because I want to make it as real as possible. But please understand that I'm not a medical professional and if I make any mistakes please forgive them regarding any of the medical stuff. I've got much more of a grip on the emotional journey (especially Edward's), not the medical terms. Also remember that chemo really does affect people differently.**

**Thank you for reading. I know this story is very emotional and probably hits home for a lot of you and I appreciate you taking this journey with me. I had to stop several times during this chapter because I got over emotional about some of the things Edward was thinking. I had the whole "feeling guilty about eating in front of her thing" and it sucks. It's crazy some of the things you would never consider until something like that happens.  
**

**A few announcements: **

**My other story Love Like Winter is well underway with five (or six if you count the prologue) chapters up. If you like Beauty and the Beast or Darkwards and haven't started that yet you definitely should. : )**

**I also added the 3rd and last chapter to my short story The Mat. Take a look if you need a pick me up since its mostly fluff, fun and classic rock.**

**Thanks again guys. Your encouragement is a big part of why I can continue this story without completely losing it and I appreciate it.  
**


	21. Hope

**I do not own Twilight. kdillin is my amazing beta. seriously. i sent this to her last night and it was already done by the time I woke up this morning. Amazing.**

* * *

**Edward**

I woke to the sound of Bella throwing up in the bathroom. I sighed and forced my eyes open. It had become fairly normal for me to wake up in the middle of the night and find her in the bathroom or hunched over a trash can. I guess people don't always experience the nausea and vomiting but for some reason it was hitting her hard.

She'd had three treatments over the past month. Carlisle routinely took blood work to monitor if her cell count was good enough for her to take it. He wanted her to come in once a week, but she had to skip this week because he thought her count was a little low.

Her parents had been coming by every day, sometimes sleeping on the couch over-night if she was really bad. I was thankful for them because as much as I wanted to care for her, I couldn't do it alone. Hell I was even thankful for her dad. Over the past month we hadn't spoken much, but I could tell we'd come to a silent understanding. I think he finally realized that I wasn't going anywhere and that I was in this for the long haul. I guess I couldn't fault him for wanting to protect Bella like I wanted to protect her.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. "Bella are you okay?" I stumbled across the room and peeked into the hallway. The bathroom door was closed, but I still knew what was happening. She hated that we could hear her getting sick and she almost refused to let us see it unless it was unavoidable. I knocked lightly on the door.

"I'll be out in a minute," she called softly. The toilet flushed, but she still didn't open the door.

"Bella?" I hesitantly pushed the door open. I winced when I saw her. She was clinging to the sink for support as she stared intently at her own reflection. I knew that she didn't recognize herself. She'd already lost weight because of her changing eating habits and constant vomiting. The dark circles under her eyes were more prominent now and her skin was beyond pale.

"Attractive, huh?" She said, brushing her fingers under her eyes. She meant it as a joke, but her voice was flat. I'd noticed she started doing that as a defense mechanism, trying to make light of things to make them less scary. The truth was her fear was starting to show through.

She turned on the sink and rinsed out her mouth before turning towards me. I leaned forward and kissed her cheek as I scooped her up into my arms and carried her back into the bedroom. As I set her on the bed she asked for her brush. I hesitated, but handed it to her anyway. She leaned back against the headboard and started methodically brushing her hair, counting silently on her lips.

She'd become obsessive about it lately and it was starting to worry me. She seemed overly anxious about losing her hair, even though Carlisle said it may not even happen. Every day she got up and brushed her hair, root to tip, like it was the last time she'd get to do it.

"Bella stop," I pleaded. She stared straight ahead and brushed through it again. "Bella." I reached for the brush but she yanked it back.

"No."

"Bella..." I said again.

"I said no," she snapped. I cowered back and stayed silent, as I've learned to do when she had a moment like this. It didn't happen very often, but every once in a while her frustrations would break through the surface and show their ugly face. I wasn't angry with her at all. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't hold them back all the time. That's too much for any one person to carry on their shoulders. She sighed and turned towards me as she dropped the brush to her lap. "I'm sorry," she said softly. I wiped away the tears threatening from her eyes and smiled.

"It's okay."

"No it's not. You're just trying to help and I'm making it difficult."

"Sweetheart I think you're allowed to be difficult sometimes." I sat down beside her and wrapped my arms around her.

She cried softly on my shoulder for the next half hour and I didn't say a word. I kissed her neck or her cheek or rubbed her back knowing that there was nothing I could say to make it better and she honestly didn't want me to. She just wanted me to let her cry and not taint the pain with words. It was something she had to do every once in a while and despite the heartache, it was a thing of beauty to watch her release all her pain.

"I fucking love you," I said.

She pulled back, sniffled and laughed a little. "I fucking love you too." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine.

"Knock, knock?" Renee called. I heard the front door open and close. "Anybody home?"

"We're in here Mom," Bella said.

Renee peeked her head in and smiled. "Good morning. How was your morning?" She asked.

"It was good," Bella lied. Renee looked at me just like she did every morning for the truth. I shook my head slightly before Bella could notice.

"How about I make you some tea and breakfast?" Renee offered.

"I'm not really hungry," Bella said.

"That'd be great. Just try a little bit okay?" I nudged Bella as her mother went out into the kitchen.

We laid in bed together until Renee brought us both in some breakfast - Just a little toast and eggs, along with a glass of milk. I thanked Renee and handed Bella her plate. She stared at it with no excitement or joy. Definitely different from when she was eyeing that cheeseburger. She'd lost her love for food just like she thought she would.

"Do I need to do the baby airplane thing?" I cocked my eyebrow at her. I hated making her eat when nothing was appetizing to her, but she had to eat something to keep her strength up. She took one bite and swallowed it down like it was a piece of cardboard. "Good girl."

"Can you go get me a glass of water?" She asked.

"Sure." I set my plate down and jumped off the bed. Renee was still cleaning up in the kitchen. "Thanks for breakfast," I said.

"Is she eating it?" She asked. She washed one of the dishes and set it in the drying rack.

"One bite so far."

"How bad was it this morning?"

"I don't know she wouldn't let me see. I don't think I can really rate how bad anything is lately. It's all bad."

She nodded and finished up the dishes. I grabbed a glass and got Bella some water before returning to the bedroom. Her food was almost half gone.

"Did you get hungry while I was gone?" I asked, handing her the glass.

"I guess so." She shrugged. She was lying. I knew it was probably lying in the trash can or a bag.

"Are you up for going for a walk today?" I asked. Her eyes lit up a little at the prospect of going outside. She didn't get a chance to enjoy it very often so I tried to get her out as much as I could, especially now that the weather was nice. She reached for me and pulled me close before pressing her lips to mine.

"Can we go see Zafrina too?"

"Sure. Is she there today?"

"Yeah she should be. I talked to her yesterday." She crawled out of bed and started putting some regular clothes on. I went out into the kitchen and sat with Renee. Charlie walked in just as Bella came out of the bedroom. Charlie gave me the typical hello nod and wrapped his arms around Bella.

"Where are you off to kid?" He asked Bella.

"We're going for a walk. Will you be here when we get back?"

"Of course."

"Actually, could I have a word Charlie?" I looked towards Bella. "In private."

"Sure." He cleared his throat and Bella watched us suspiciously as we walked into our bedroom and closed the door. I'd meaning to have this conversation with him for a while now and I just haven't had the chance. "What can I do for you Edward?"

"Sir I..."

"Don't call me sir. I know I've probably been a pain in your ass, but if I'm right about this you want to speak to me about marrying my daughter so let's get past all the formal bullshit shall we?" He sat down in Bella's chair and leaned back.

"I..." Too be honest I was fucking dumbfounded. I mean he was right, but I had no idea what to say now. I had a hard enough time deciding to talk to him about it and now the words weren't flowing to say the least.

"I think it goes something like...Charlie I'm in love with Bella and I want to marry her."

"Yeah."

"Have you thought about where you'll live or how you'll support her?"

"I'm an artist Charlie," I admitted. "I've never been anything but that no matter how hard I tried to change it. And there's nothing I can do to guarantee that we're always going to live in a nice place or that I'm going to have the money to buy her all the things that she deserves. I won't tell you that. But I can tell you that I would fucking die for her. I wish I could take everything that she was going through and go through it for her just so she wouldn't feel one once of pain. And I think that should be enough." I tried to catch my breath and I realized how nervous I was. "I mean if that isn't enough..." I shook my head.

"It's more than enough." Charlie cracked a smile, almost like he was enjoying watching me sweat.

"No offense but I thought you hated me."

"I was unsure of you at the beginning I'll admit that. I'm protective of my daughter Edward and if you were in my position would you welcome someone like you right away?"

"No way in hell." I started to think about Bella and I having kids and the thought of my daughter dating someone like me scared me shitless.

"She was so sure about you though Edward. It made me think you were different. And now? You're still here. You take care of her every day at her worst and I can't tell you how much that means to me. You're a good kid." He looked like he was about to cry, but held it in just like I always tried to do. I guess Charlie and I were more similar than I ever thought, except for that whole mustache thing. I don't think I could ever pull that off.

"Edward?" Bella knocked on the door. "What are you guys doing?"

"Be out in a minute," I called.

"Do you have a ring yet?" Charlie asked.

"Not yet. I can't really...afford one right now. And I don't want to rush it. I want it to be right."

"Of course - I'd like to help...with the ring."

"Charlie I can't ask you to do that." I shook my head.

"You didn't ask, I offered. Consider it an early wedding gift. And if you really feel that bad about it, you can pay me back. I just want the best for my little girl. And you deserve it too Edward."

"Wow. Thank you...I don't really know what to say." I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Thank you will be enough."

"Thank you," I said quickly.

"Alright, then you better get going before she breaks down the door."

I nodded and crossed the room. Bella was standing right at the other side of the door when I opened it and she looked at me like I was crazy.

"What were you doing?" She asked.

"I just needed to ask him something." I cleared my throat and brushed past her. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Have fun kids and take it easy Bella, you don't want to push yourself," Renee said.

I took Bella's hand and we slowly made our way out of the apartment, down the stairs and out onto the street. She smiled as soon as we stepped onto the sidewalk.

I hailed us a cab so we could go to Central Park. I knew we wouldn't make it far before she needed to sit down, but it was one of her favorite places to walk.

I held onto her arm as we ambled along the sidewalks. Bella's eyes watched as we were passing by runners and other couples looking happy...and healthy. I didn't miss the stares she got from some people. I wouldn't lie - I knew she didn't look well to them. But who the fuck expected her to when she was going through treatment? She was still beautiful to me. Maybe a little skinny, but she was still my Bella.

"They don't know Edward," she said, making excuses for them.

"That doesn't give them license to stare at you like you're some kind of mutant."

"I need to sit," she mumbled. I helped her to the closest bench and we sat down. "Can I ask you something?" She fumbled with her fingers.

"Of course baby...anything." I put my arm around her shoulder and kissed her head.

"Did you talk to my dad about marrying me?"

**Bella**

My mother laughed a little under her breath as soon as my bedroom door closed.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"That laugh is not nothing Mom. What do you know?"

"I don't know anything. Honest." She smiled and flipped the page on her magazine. "Except that there's only one thing I can think of that Edward would need to ask you father...in private."

I narrowed my eyes at the door. He isn't...is he?

"You don't think?" I asked.

"I do." She looked at me and her face fell. "Honey I thought you loved him."

"I do love him."

"And can you imagine spending your life with anyone else?"

"No."

She didn't understand. That wasn't the reason for my hesitance. Edward was it for me and I never doubted my love for him.

I stood up and made my way over to my bedroom door.

"Edward?" I knocked. "What are you guys doing?" I waited impatiently for them to finish whatever conversation they were having. Edward finally opened the door looking like he was about to sweat through his shirt. "What were you doing?"

"I just needed to ask him something. Ready?" He avoided my eyes as he took my hand. We said goodbye to my parents and made our way to Central Park. I tried to enjoy just being outside but it was impossible to shut my mind off.

I grew tired way too quickly and we sat down on one of the benches.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course baby...anything."

"Did you talk to my dad about marrying me?" I held my breath as I waited for his reaction. I felt his body stiffen beside me and I got my answer. He did. "Why did you do that?" I wondered aloud. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"What the hell does that mean?" Edward asked. He was a little defensive and I didn't blame him. He didn't understand either. This had nothing to do with wanting to be married to him.

"Edward," I whispered.

"No. Why is it so hard for you to accept that I want to spend my life with you? I want to have a future with you Bella."

"I don't want you to be disappointed." I wiped a stray tear from my cheek and turned towards him.

"Baby you could never disappoint me..." He brushed his fingers along my cheek and bit down on his lip. "That could never happen."

"You want to make all these plans...this future. What if it never happens? I don't want you to expect all these things from us when I don't know if this treatment is even going to work. That's not fair for you."

"Don't...push me away again. Don't." He shook his head.

"I'm not pushing you away. I want you here with me, but I refuse to dream this perfect future for us when my future is so uncertain." I pulled myself onto his lap and draped my arms over his shoulders. "I'm certain about you Edward. Don't ever question that."

"But you don't want to marry me," he whispered.

"Yes I do. I just don't want to get your hopes up okay?" I pressed my forehead against his and sighed. "Hey I love you."

"I love you too." He tilted his head up and pressed his lips against mine. "You want to go see Zafrina now?"

"Sure."

Zafrina will never take Alice's or Edward's or my family's spot in my life, but she had become one of my best friends. Everyone else can sympathize all they want about what you're going through, but she's the only one who truly knows. It means a lot to have someone like that. Someone that I can look up to, someone that I can trust to understand exactly what I mean when I tell her I feel like shit. As much as Edward or Alice would like to say that they can't. And I know it hurts them.

I smiled as soon as we stepped into the room and I saw her. Edward kissed me and told me he'd take a walk and get some coffee.

"My Bella..." Zafrina reached out for my hand as I sat down beside her. "How are you today my dear?"

"I threw my toast in the trash," I admitted. I knew Edward knew I did it, but everything I tried to eat tasted like cardboard. I was so beyond hungry at this point that I couldn't even feel it. All I could feel was the exhaustion from not getting enough nutrients.

She narrowed her eyes at me and sighed. She looked different. A little skinnier than the last time I saw her.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked.

"You know you can. Spit it out girl." She smiled and turned towards me as a nurse came to change her bag.

"If you could go back and...Change things about your life if you knew this was going to happen to you would you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your husband." I held back the tears. "If you knew that you were going to get sick and he was going to...feel the pain over watching you go through this would you still marry him?"

"In a heartbeat. When's the wedding?" She laughed.

"He didn't..." I shook my head. "I mean I know he wants to and he talked to my dad about it, but I told him I didn't want to go through with it. At least right now."

"Bella listen to me." She turned towards me and wrapped her other hand around mine. "You are a better person because of him and knowing you, he's a hell of a lot better person for loving you. That is never wrong and it is never wrong...to have hope. Do you understand?" Her voice broke. "Don't deny yourself something you want because of fear Bella. It'll cripple you for the rest of your life. He knows what he's getting into and you need to let him make that choice instead of doing it for him."

"Don't you ever feel like this life isn't what he signed up for though?"

"Of course. Neither of us signed up for this. Nobody does. You never know what curveballs life is going to throw at you this week or next month or twenty years from now. If the situation were reversed would you still want to spend your life with him?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"Then there's your answer. I'm not saying you guys have to rush down the aisle tomorrow, but don't cut yourself off from wanting that honey. You'll miss all the good things."

"I'm not promising anything." I understood what she was saying completely, but I couldn't help but feel that pain in my heart. I had no idea what I'll say to him when he proposes...if he ever does now. I just hope he understands why I can't say yes. Not right now at least.

Zafrina and I talked a little more and she told me that her treatments were ending soon. It made me sad to think that she wouldn't be here, but I was happy for her. And plus she promised to visit.

"I wanted to give you something." She tried to reach over to her bag, but it pulled on her IV.

"I'll get it." I pulled her bag up onto my lap. "What am I looking for?"

"It's the one with the bow."

I pulled out a long, thin box wrapped in the most ridiculous wrapping paper. I pulled at the bow and ripped the paper open. My breath hitched in my throat when I realized what it was.

"Just in case," she mumbled. She coughed a few times as I turned the electric razor around in my hands. "I don't know how you did it the first time, but I wanted it all gone when it started falling out."

"Yeah." I nodded, unconsciously twirling my hair in my fingers. I loved my hair. That's why I grew it so long once it actually came back. It was like I was overcompensating or something. It made me feel beautiful, like a woman. I didn't know how to feel beautiful without it and the thought of losing it again scared me.

Edward eventually came back and sat with us for a few minutes, his eyes trained on the gadget in my hands. Zafrina finished up her treatment and her husband came to pick her up. I was exhausted by that point so Edward just took me home. My parents were waiting when we got home and my mom cooked us an amazing meal. I tried my best to eat some of it and I managed to keep a few fork full down.

They both kissed me before they left and Edward took me to bed. We watched a movie until I fell asleep and I woke up later than usual the next day. I was always up before him. Mostly because I felt like I was going to puke my guts out, but today was different.

The space beside me wasn't even warm so I knew he'd been up for a while. I could hear the television out in the living room and him and Alice talking to each other. I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair.

_No._ I froze halfway through and started breathing quick and shallow. _No._ I closed my eyes and detangled my fingers from my hair. Except - I couldn't detangle them. No matter how far I pulled my hand away, there were still pieces of hair woven through my fingers. I held my breath as I turned around and stared down at the small clump of hair on my pillow. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me to know what was coming next.

I allowed myself a moment to cry silently in the privacy of my room before I crawled out of bed and went over to my bag. I grabbed the razor from it and quickly ducked into the bathroom. I managed a quick glance and Edward and Alice sitting on the couch. Edward's brow furrowed in confusion when I instantly closed the bathroom door and I knew he probably thought I was getting sick.

I set the razor down on the sink as I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to relish the last few moments with my hair. I know it seems like a stupid, petty thing but when it's staring you in the face it's scary. As much as we hate to admit it, a girl's hair is a big thing for her. It was part of who she is her identity, her personality.

A tear slipped down my cheek as I reached for the razor. I lifted it to my head and lingered for a few moments. And when I was finally ready, I turned it on.

* * *

**A/N: So sorry it took me so long to get this update out. I came down with a cold and have been exhausted and busy with school and as much as I love this story, it's exhausting to write and I wasn't quite up to par for it. As far as how into depth I'll be getting with Bella's treatment, I want to do it justice for what cancer patients go through but I do not want to ****over-due**** it ****so please just understand**** that it is not going to be significantly dragged out for that reason. Believe it or not we are nearing the end of this story. I would say probably 5 chapters or less.**

**Regardless, I do have some announcements. I have created a blog for me as an author, kind of a home page instead of just having the entire story blogs spread out there. You can find news from me there as well as links to all my story blogs. I'll post the link on my profile.  
**

**I also am participating in the Love is In the Air Contest! It's anonymous so I can't tell you which entry is mine, but you should definitely check out all of them and vote for your favorite. I'll add a link on my profile or you can find the link on my blog. **

**I received my first entry for the One Shot Soundtrack Volume II. Make sure to check it out and there is still time to submit an entry!**

**Love Like Winter has just reached a critical point in the story so if you're not reading it yet, get your butt over there! : )**


	22. Loss

**Thanks to my beta kdillin for being amazing. S.M. owns Twilight.**

**Just a slight warning, I know this probably means nothing with the subject matter of this story, but this chapter is VERY heavy, but necessary for reasons that I hope will make sense if not now, later in the story.  
**

* * *

**Bella**

My breath hitched in my throat when the first lock of hair fell into the sink. My hand shook as I raised the razor back up to my scalp.

"Bella?" Edward knocked on the door and I whipped my head towards him.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I swallowed hard and turned back to my reflection. There was no going back now. There was a whole line of hair missing from the front.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I sighed.

"Bella?" Alice joined him at the door.

"I said I'm fine."

"Open the door," Edward said. I turned the razor off and set it on the edge of the sink, but I didn't move to let them in. It's not like they wouldn't know the first moment I stepped outside, but I was still scared of their reaction. I think they were hoping just as much as I was that this wouldn't happen.

"I can't," I whispered.

"Bella open the damn door." Edward pounded again, a hint of panic in his voice.

I reached over and twisted the doorknob, knowing that if he thought I was in trouble he would probably break down the door.

"What's going on?" He pushed inside and his eyes instantly went to the sink. They widened and shot to my head. "Babe…" He pushed my hair back and rubbed at the bare patch of my scalp. Alice tried to silence her gasp, but I heard it anyway.

"It…" I stuttered. "It started to…so I…" I nodded to the razor.

"Where'd you get this?"

"Zafrina gave it to me."

His nostrils flared as he grabbed the razor from the sink. I was scared he was going to take it away from me, convince me just to let it happen naturally if it was going to happen. He twirled it between his hands as he glanced at his own reflection in the mirror.

"Edward…" I whispered. He sighed and brought the razor to his head before flipping the switch. I screamed as I watched his beautiful hair tumble into the sink. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not letting you do this by yourself." He shook his head and did a few more lines.

"But your hair is beautiful."

"And so is yours. It's just hair. Both of ours will grow back." He took a few more minutes to finish his head and started to set the razor down on the sink. Alice grabbed it from him before he could and raised it to her head.

"Alice!" I pulled at her arm. "You can't. You're a model, you'll get fired."

"Baby you're my best friend." She turned towards me and smiled. "We're all in this together, whether I have a job or not. You're important. They'll get over it."

I sniffled as a tear slipped down my cheek. Edward rubbed his hand over his bare scalp and raised his eyebrows. "Maybe this is a good look for me, eh?" He turned towards me and smiled.

As I stood there watching my now bald boyfriend and my best friend as she shaved her head, I realized the power of love. It may not be able to get this cancer out of my body, but it could heal and it could comfort. It could change you in ways that you never thought possible. I never imagined I'd be in this place and I never would have asked them to make this kind of sacrifice, but they did it anyway. And I knew deep down in my stomach that they did it because they didn't want me to be alone. They couldn't take the whole journey with me, but this was a part that they could. It meant everything that they did it without regard to themselves or how it would affect them.

"Just think!" Alice said, setting down the razor. "We can go shopping for cute hats and scarves! This is going to be great!"

Edward's eyes turned to me as he waited for me to pick up the razor and finish the job.

"Do you want me to?" He asked.

"No it's okay. I want to do it." I nodded and finally resumed my work. Alice and Edward sat with me as I cried watching my brown waves flutter into the sink. When I was finished, I set the razor down and brushed my fingers over my bare head.

"There," I whispered. "It's done."

"You look beautiful." Edward leaned over and kissed my head.

"Kids!" My mother yelled from out in the living room. I sighed and grabbed Edward's hand. Alice opened the bathroom door and we all stepped out into the living room.

My mom's purse dropped to the floor along with Charlie's jaw when they saw us.

"Honey?" Mom asked.

"It started. I didn't want to watch it fall out so I just did away with it." I nodded.

"And you two?" She glanced at Edward and Alice. They shrugged and she smiled. "You are amazing people for my little girl." She wrapped her arms around them both. "I'm very thankful for you. Both of you."

Edward's phone rang and he stepped away to answer it. His face fell a few moments in and he glanced my way before walking out of earshot. What the hell was that about?

He spoke quietly for a few minutes before he returned to the group with a fake ass smile on his face. "Who was that?"

"No one." He took my hand again and started talking to my mother. They decided to get pizza for lunch even though it sounded like dirt. I made a face and Edward narrowed his eyes at me. "One piece," he said.

I ate half of a piece and threw up more than that an hour later. I had a treatment a few days ago, but the nausea was starting to get bad. I laid down for a few hours and was lucky to get a little sleep. Unfortunately that had become my favorite time, when I was asleep. It made me feel bad that it wasn't when I was with Edward or my family. And it would have been if I didn't feel like shit every time I was. It tainted our time together and it made me hate the treatments, even though they were saving me. Or I hoped they were. Sleep was the only time I was truly free. In my dreams there was no nausea, no headaches. I could eat as much as I wanted to and feel satisfied. I could spend all the time I wanted with Edward and feel like I usually felt with him. Alive. I felt more like me when I was asleep than I was when I was awake in this hell.

Edward came in to check on me around dinner time and I winced as the light from the living room escaped through the door. He sat down on the edge of my back and rubbed my sore muscles. "Hey how are you doing?"

"I'm still breathing," I mumbled.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Have any good pot on you for this nausea?" I laughed a little under my breath at my joke.

"No but I can get you some."

"Edward, don't be ridiculous. It's fine."

"Does it really help?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll get you some. I need to go somewhere anyway."

I sat up and turned towards him. "What are you going to do go to the corner market and ask them what aisle their medicinal weed is in? Is this about the phone call you got earlier? I know it wasn't nothing so don't lie to me."

"Yes it is about the phone call, but I don't want you to worry. I'm going to go check it out."

"Be careful. Please. Whatever you're doing."

"I will. Your parents left, you were sleeping. Alice is out in the living room watching TV if you need anything. I'll be back as soon as I can." He kissed me and I laid back down. I managed to fall back asleep for awhile, but eventually I couldn't lay in bed anymore.

I got up and shuffled across the room. Alice was out on the couch, watching TV just like Edward had said. I shivered and realized how cold my head was now that it wasn't covered by all of my hair.

I sat down next to her as she flipped through the channels.

"I told my agent what I did," she said.

"What'd they say?"

"They were a little angry at first. Until I told them I wanted to get involved in a cancer charity. They're assholes and see it as a great PR thing, but it's more personal for me." She reached over and grabbed my hand. "I don't know why I never did it before. I want to use my job for something good…other than just looking good."

"We look like Patrick Stewart from Star Trek."

"Please. We make bald sexy," she laughed. "Now Edward on the other hand. That boy has too big of eyebrows to look good bald," she teased.

"I like his eyebrows."

"You like everything about him."

"Mostly everything. I know he was hiding something from me when he left."

"Bella the man is going to buy illegal drugs for you, give him a break huh?" She smiled and turned back to the screen.

"Yeah," I sighed. "I guess so."

"Is your head really cold?"

"Freezing." I squeezed her hand tighter. "Ali?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she whispered. She leaned over and kissed my cheek. I fell asleep against her shoulder while we waited for Edward to get back. When I woke up I was back in my room. I smiled when I felt his warm arms around me. I could tell by his rapid heartbeat that he was awake. And he was worried about something. It scared me.

"Edward?"

"You awake?" He pulled back and caressed my cheek.

"Where were you?"

"I got you some…stuff. I called Jasper and he had some friends here that he hooked me up with." He reached over to the nightstand and pulled out a little bag. "I'm not the best at rolling, but I'll do the best I can." His fingers shook as he rolled a joint for me. I was thankful that he found something because as soon as I opened my eyes the nausea hit me like a brick wall.

He handed me the joint and his lighter before jumping out of the bed and opening the window for a little ventilation. I lit it and took a few hits, thankful that the nausea would be gone soon and I could just spend time with him. When he sat back down I offered him a hit.

"No it's for you," he said, shaking his head.

"You look a little tense," I insisted.

He finally gave in and I noticed after a few hits his hands stopped trembling. He wouldn't stop looking at his phone though, almost like he was expecting it to ring at any second. The look in his eye told me that he didn't want it to and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand any of his behavior tonight.

"Hey…" I crawled onto his lap and draped my arms over his shoulders. "Are you okay?" I thought maybe he was regretting cutting his hair off or something and it made me sad. I didn't want him to feel like that…feel like he was obligated.

"I'm okay baby. How are you?"

"Better now." I pressed my lips to his, hoping he would relax a little more. I pushed him a little further than we'd gone lately. Actually anything would have been further than we'd gone lately. Physically, since that last time, we'd only kissed a little but it was never more than a quick peck. I know he was trying to be careful and honestly most of the time I wasn't up to anything more than that, but I missed him that way. The minute I tried to stick my tongue in his mouth he laughed and pulled away.

"Aren't you tired?" He asked. "You should probably go to sleep."

"But I'm not tired." I kissed him again.

"Yes you are." He smiled against my lips and turned to put out the joint.

"I'm not," I yawned. We both snuggled down into the covers and I drifted right off to sleep, despite my protests.

I heard Edward's phone ring, seconds, minutes, hours later. I had no idea. He shot up and immediately answered it.

"Hello?"

I opened my eyes and saw him glance at me.

"Just now?" He rubbed his forehead and cursed. "Okay. Yeah thanks. Bye." He turned towards me, his face serious. I was still half asleep when he picked me up and pulled me into his arms.

"What's going on?" I mumbled.

"I have to tell you something."

**Edward**

As soon as Carlisle called, I knew something was up. I mean I was a little on edge because I'd just shaved my head, but it was in his voice.

"Edward," he said. I thought for sure he had bad news about Bella. I glanced at her and stepped away.

"What's going on?"

"It's Zafrina."

I glanced at Bella again and my heart almost stopped. "What is it?"

"I'm only telling you this because I know they're close. I technically can't even tell you because of privacy laws, but I think maybe you should…come up here. She's asking for you."

"I'll be there soon." I wanted to check out the situation before I even mentioned anything to Bella. I didn't want to upset her. She gave me my out when she asked me to find some weed for her. I think she was just kidding, but it gave me an excuse to get out of the apartment.

I grabbed a hat and told Alice I'd be back. I called Jasper on my way downstairs to ask him if he knew anybody who might be able to help me out. He said he'd call me back, but he thought he had someone in mind.

I caught a cab and went directly to the hospital. Carlisle met me in the lobby and led me up to the intensive care unit.

"I spoke to her. Told you were coming. She said I could…talk to you," he said. "She came in this morning with an infection and it's gotten progressively worse. Her immune system is so weak from her treatments that her body literally isn't fighting it. I don't know if she'll make it through the night." He grabbed my shoulder as I started into the room. "Edward stop. This situation is serious. You can't go into her room. If the infection somehow transferred to you, you could give it to Bella. And in her weakened state I can't say it wouldn't do the same thing to her."

He set me up with a table outside her room so I could see inside. The nurse went in and handed Zafrina the phone beside her bed. She dialed a number and one of the phones at the nurse's station rang. Carlisle brought it over to me at the table and left me alone.

"Hello?" I answered. I watched the nurse leave the room to give Zafrina some privacy.

"What the hell did you do to your head?" She asked. Her voice was barely above a whisper, so weak I could barely hear the sarcasm.

"You don't like it?" I took my hat off and smiled when she looked over at me. She looked terrible. And I hated admitting that. I couldn't understand why she wanted to speak to me.

"She started losing her hair didn't she?"

"This morning."

She nodded softly. "I had a feeling. We get a feeling sometimes you know. Like we're…connected somehow." She coughed a little.

"And you have a feeling? About yourself?"

"I knew this morning I wasn't going to leave this hospital again Edward. Which is why I needed to see you. I've said my goodbyes, made my peace with God and my family. I'm ready to go."

"She needs you," I murmured. I felt the tears threatening, but I held them back.

"She doesn't," she smiled. "She doesn't…need anyone. She loves you Edward. And I'm thankful you're here for her right now. But she's strong all on her own, without anyone's help."

"Then why am I here?" I asked.

"Because you'll need to remind her. Everyday. Because I won't be here to do it and there are going to be times when she's going to doubt herself. Tell her everyday how strong she is. Don't let her lose that spark Edward."

"I'm not you." I wiped at my eyes. "I can't help her the way you can. No matter how much I want to I can't." The thought of Zafrina not being here scared me. I know how much Bella depended on her friendship. What was going to happen when that was gone?

"This is something she has to do. Nobody can do it for her. I can't do it for her. You can't. Her parents can't. She has to want it. Never let her forget that she wants to live."

"Do you not want to live anymore?"

"I do." She nodded. "I don't want to leave my husband or my family. But I've had my time with them and there's no more in the cards for me. There's a difference between giving up and making peace with your situation. If there's a fight to be had, you better damn well fight it because that girl deserves all the good things in the world. Do you understand me?"

"Yes." I sighed. "What do you want me to tell her?"

"Tell her that I love her. And that if she doesn't beat this thing for the both of us then I'm going to kick her ass as soon as she walks through the Pearly Gates."

I nodded and knew there was nothing else to say. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't know her as well as Bella did, but I didn't want this for her. She was important to Bella so she was important to me. I think a little part of me was scared shitless that I'd be doing this with Bella and I didn't even want to think about it.

We sat there for a few minutes thinking about everything that was said before we both hung up the phone. Carlisle came back over and grabbed the phone. He gave me a pat on the back and I headed out.

Jasper called me as soon as I stepped out of the hospital. He told me one of his friends had some stuff and to meet him at his place. I wrote down the address on an old receipt I found in my pants and headed straight there. He gave me quite a decent amount for a low price. I wonder if Jasper told him our situation.

I felt a little weird buying the stuff. I wasn't big into it, mostly just through Jasper and only did it occasionally, but I didn't mind getting it for her if it would make her feel better. And God knows after what's probably going to happen tonight, she'll need to be relaxed. The calm before the storm. Tomorrow was going to be really tough.

When I got back I smoked a little with her and we both fell asleep. My phone rang in the middle of the night and my heart sunk when I saw Carlisle's name.

"Hello?" I answered.

"She passed son. Just thought you should know."

"Just now?"

"About five minutes ago. Her family was around her. It was very peaceful."

"Okay."

"You alright?"

"Yeah thanks. Bye." I hung up and turned towards Bella. I knew she was awake. Or at least halfway awake. I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"I have to tell you something." I took a deep breath. "That was Carlisle. And the phone call earlier was Carlisle." I kissed her head. "When I left to get you stuff, I had to stop by the hospital first."

"Why?"

"I had to talk to Zafrina."

"But she's not supposed to have another treatment until next week. I just talked to her."

"She wasn't there for a treatment Bella. She caught some kind of infection."

Bella shot out up and started shaking her head. "I have to go. I have to go to the hospital and see her. I'll just sit with her."

"Bella…" I took her face in my hands. "She's gone. And I'm so sorry."

"No." She shook her head again. "No she's not. I just have to get to the hospital. I just have to see her and then she'll get better. Can you take me, please?"

"Babe…"

"Take me. Take me now."

"Bella she's not there."

"Take me now!" She screamed. She started pounding her fists down on the mattress and I tried to restrain her, thinking she might hurt herself.

"What's going on?" Alice pushed her way inside our room.

"Can you just get her a glass of water please?" I pulled her close to me again and she started pounding on my back. Her screaming eventually lulled into a soft sob as I rubbed her back. Alice had no idea what was going on, but she brought her a glass of water and sat with us while Bella cried. "She wanted me to tell you that she loved you."

"Why couldn't I go see her?" Bella whispered.

"Because baby you could have gotten sick. Carlisle wouldn't even let me go into her room."

"I should have been there."

"She didn't want you there baby. Not because she didn't want to see you, but she wouldn't risk your health. And she didn't want you to see her like that."

Alice eventually curled up in the chair and fell asleep. Bella fell asleep in my lap while I massaged her head.

When I woke up the next morning, I was completely alone. I hopped up and ran out into the living room. Alice was hunched over the counter with a cup of coffee staring out into the living room. I followed her eyes and noticed Bella sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest.

I raised my eyebrows at Alice and she shrugged. "She won't say anything," she whispered.

I walked around the couch and knelt down next to Bella. "Morning sweetheart." I kissed her cheek, but she didn't flinch. She just stared straight ahead into the black screen of the TV. They mirrored my worst fear. There was nothing there. No fight, no spark. No life. Just dark orbs filled with nothing but pain and despair if you could even call it that. It was just nothing. My Bella wasn't there.

* * *

**A/N: I know you're probably wondering why this has happened, and I promise you there is a reason. It's another element in her healing and path to survival, even if she doesn't see it like that right now. **

**Thank you for reading and reccing and reviewing and retweeting and everything else. I don't always have time to thank you all individually or do review replies all the time, but I appreciate you and I appreciate your love for these characters. They mean a lot to me.**

**If you haven't checked out the Love Is In The Air contest yet, please see the link in my profile. It's a really fun contest and I have an entry. **

**I have received some wonderful entries for the One Shot Soundtrack. You should definitely take a look at them and leave the authors some love. **

**Thank you all again : )  
**


	23. Uncertain

**S.M. owns Twilight. kdillin is my beta.**

* * *

**Bella**

I felt empty. Like there was a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon and I had no way to repair it. The sinking feeling in my stomach never went away. It was always there. Like a constant reminder that she wasn't here anymore.

I felt terrible about Edward. It's been two months since she's passed and he's been doing everything he can to pull me through it. I just don't feel connected. It has nothing to do with him and I love him more than anything, I just don't feel a connection with anything in my world right now no matter how hard I try. Every day is like a blank page and I have no idea how to fill it.

My treatments were ending. My hair had barely started growing back to almost a tickle on my scalp. Edward and Alice's started coming back right after they cut it. They wanted to keep up with shaving it, but I told them no. It meant a lot to me that they did it in the first place, more than I could ever express to them, but I didn't want them to keep going through it.

Edward was growing tired, frustrated with me even though he tried like hell not to show it. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't him. There was nothing he could do to pull me out of this…depression is what they're calling it.

I've started seeing a therapist to deal with Zafrina's death, but I give them nothing more than the answers they expect. I do just enough to get through the appointment and then fall back into the nothingness. My parents thought it might help, but Edward knew what I was doing. Just like always. Sometimes he knows things I don't even realize about myself. It's a little scary to know someone that way, to be known that way. And it's also the closest to alive that I've felt in awhile. I don't want to lose him, but I've done all I can do to get away from the darkness I find myself drowning in. I'm running out of options and time.

They have to do some more tests to see if the cancer is gone, shrunk or still rearing its ugly ass head. Carlisle said that we shouldn't assume anything until we get the tests done and we'll "proceed from there." I hate not knowing. I hate it. Nothing is more terrifying than the unknown. I try not to show my fear, but that large question mark looming over my life completely consumes me. How long do I have? A month? A year? Mere moments? I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of the uncertainty. It's robbing me of any happy time I might have left with my family and Edward. Zafrina's death only reminded me of it. She had no warning and that's saying a lot for a cancer patient. We all look death in the face, we even stand toe to toe with it, but I never expected to see someone go so quickly. One day she was there and the next she was gone. Just gone. Uncertainty.

I'd lost more weight than was expected, mostly because I wasn't eating. They even admitted me to the hospital a couple of times just to get some nutrients in me. My vitamins and metabolism was all out of whack, causing me to have black outs and shaky legs. It scared Edward and Alice. It scared my family. I wish it scared me.

The morning we were supposed to go get my tests results I woke up early. I stumbled out of bed, bracing myself against the bedpost as my head started to spin.

"Are you okay?" Edward sat up, arms outstretched like he was ready to catch me when I fell.

"Just dizzy," I mumbled.

"Well when you don't eat that tends to happen," he said. I ignored him and slowly made my way to the bedroom door. My mother was asleep on the couch, my father in the chair. They'd been staying with us more and more since Zafrina's death.

I opened the refrigerator, hoping something might look appetizing. I shrugged when there wasn't. It didn't surprise me.

"Hey baby what are you doing up so early?" My mom stretched in her chair and glanced over at me.

"Probably just looking through the fridge again to make us think she's going to eat," Edward said. He'd grown more hostile lately. He said he wasn't mad at me for acting this way, but he'd stopped coddling me and took the tough love approach. I didn't blame him, but it wasn't going to work. I've told myself a million times to stop. Stop pushing away the life I deserve to live.

I brushed past him and went into the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet seat and ran my fingers across my fuzzy scalp. A moment later, Edward stepped in and started brushing his teeth. He still looked at me, his eyes full of more love than I could ever imagine being for me. But it was there.

"I'm sorry sweetheart." He spit in the sink and knelt down beside me. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, I'm not mad at you I'm just…"

"Frustrated," I finished his sentence. "I know. I'm sorry I'm so difficult."

"You're worth everything we're going through. I hope you know that." He kissed my cheek.

"I keep trying and I just don't feel it."

"Feel what?"

"Life."

He buried his head in his hands and started breathing hard. It was what he did every time he was trying not to lose it. This was hard for him and he'd fallen apart a few times, but I knew he hated looking that vulnerable in front of me. I still knew how much this affected him and it hurt my heart to think of him in pain. I wanted to be better for him. I just didn't know how.

"Please don't…" I stuttered. I ran my fingers through his short hair and kissed the top of his head. I wrapped my arms lightly around his neck and tried to pull myself closer, but I was too weak. I tumbled off the toilet and he caught me, pulling me onto his lap. "Please don't be sad…" I whispered.

"I'm scared for you."

My whole world started blurring around me and I couldn't tell if it was from my growing headache or the tears that started to form in my eyes. "Don't be…" I mumbled. "Don't be scared." I closed my eyes for a moment. And then they wouldn't open. I tried so hard to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. Everything was so heavy. I couldn't feel anything, except Edward's heart beating against my chest. I hung onto that with everything I had.

Everything came in bursts of sound after that. I heard Edward's mumbled screams piercing through the darkness. I heard my mother talking to 911 on the phone. I heard the sirens. The statistics. The beeping. Silence.

Long moments.

Flashes of light.

Memories.

Edward.

Alice.

Graduation.

Mom and Dad.

College.

Dance.

I was trapped inside my own head going through all of the important things in my life. I had no idea what was happening. Was I dead? Is this what death is? A slideshow of things you loved. Something to comfort you as your body shuts down.

I heard a voice. Something familiar. Something comforting. It wasn't Edward or Alice or my parents. It wasn't even Zafrina. I would have thought if I was dying that she'd be the first to greet me or tell me to turn my ass back around because there's a boy that loves me back on the ground. It was Carlisle.

"Bella?" Something pulled my eye open and a blinding light flashed in my eyes. As soon as it closed I tried to open it again, but I was still so tired. "Her pupils are reacting fine. It's probably just another episode. We'll get her going on some IVs and hopefully get her hydrated. If she doesn't start eating, we'll have to do a feeding tube. It's getting serious."

"But the cancer is gone?" Edward asked.

"From what we can tell, it's not showing up on her scans. I'd like to watch her closely obviously for awhile, but we have no reason to expect that this cancer is still present in her tissue. I'd like to do another biopsy to take some samples. If she decides she would like to take one or both of her breasts off as a precautionary measure for the future, we can discuss that as well."

If I was fully conscious I would have started crying. I heard Edward let out a huge sigh and there was a woman sobbing. I couldn't tell if it was Alice or my mother. I could imagine my dad was standing there like a statue, his face deep in thought. It was just the way he was.

"Please understand though, she is not out of the woods. Her condition is critical right now. Her body is not getting enough nutrients to live. Her life is still at risk," Carlisle said.

"Well…okay then. Let's get her healthy and get her home," Charlie finally said.

I felt myself drifting back into the numbness and I gave in, hoping that when I woke up again I would really wake up. For now I'd just have to wait.

"Baby…wake up…" Edward murmured. I told myself to open my eyes. I wanted to see him.

I forced my eyes open ever so slowly and found him smiling at me. I thought maybe he'd give me the stink eye for being so careless with my diet again, but he looked happy.

"What is it?" I whispered.

"I have an idea."

**Edward**

We just have to wait. And I fucking hate waiting. I went into panic mode when she collapsed in my arms back at the apartment, just like the other times. I never knew what it was from, never knew if she was going to wake up again. It was terrifying, not knowing. The only ounce of relief we had was that the darkness was gone from her body. I didn't believe it when Carlisle first told us, but my girl never ceased to amaze me so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. She was more astounding than anything I've ever seen.

I hated being mad at her for not eating. I guess I wasn't mad at her. I just wanted her to eat. I wanted to see her strong again and I couldn't understand why she just didn't do it. And what she told me in the bathroom broke my heart. She's lost her connection with life. I wanted to believe that I could be the source of that connection, but I was smart enough to know different. I was a part of her life, hopefully a damn good one, but I wasn't everything. Something was missing. I needed to figure out what it was or she was going to die whether or not the cancer was really gone.

"I'm going to take a walk," I said.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Alice asked.

"No it's okay." I shrugged out of my jacket and set it on the chair behind her before heading out of the room.

I walked down the hall where Bella's room was…twice. And then a different one. And a different one. It was just like a maze. I passed by a few waiting rooms and a chapel. I was about to turn back, losing faith that an idea would ever come to me, when I spotted the Pediatric Oncology Unit that we'd passed so many months ago. I found my feet migrating towards it, down the hall, past the nurse's station. There was a large room with windows all around it that was filled with toys. Several children sat inside, their eyes focused on a man in the center of the room. He was playing a guitar and singing something that sounds like "Old McDonald." It seemed so out of place in a cancer ward.

"Excuse me?" I asked one of the nurses. "What's going on in there?"

"He comes in every week to play to the kids." She smiled. "It makes their day."

I smiled and shuffled over to the door so I could get a closer look. Someone cleared their voice behind me and I spun around. There was no one there.

"Excuse me! You're blocking the door!" A little voice squeaked.

I looked down and found a little girl, standing barely taller than my knees. I winced inside when I saw her pale complexion and scarf around her head. She was dressed in a light pink leotard and a purple tutu.

"My apologies," I smiled and stepped aside.

She pushed the door open and looked back at me. "Well are you coming or what?"

I hesitated a moment before I followed her inside. I took a seat towards the back and listened to the rest of the man's performance. When he was finished everyone cheered and I tried to sneak my way back out. I had no idea what the hell I was doing here.

"Where are you going?"

I turned around and spotted the little girl from before.

"Uh…I was leaving," I said.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?" She scrunched her nose up and crossed her arms.

"I…guess I don't know," I laughed.

"I'm Samantha." She twirled back and forth.

"Hi Samantha, I'm Edward." I knelt down so I was more her level. "How are you today?"

"Good. What are you doing here?"

"I'm visiting my girlfriend."

"Is she sick?"

"She was. I guess she still kind of is." I shrugged.

"I have leukemia. Is she sick like that?"

My heart broke all over again for her. I looked around at all the kids here and found myself wondering about what they were all going through. Cancer. Disease. Sickness. Death. Yet they were all smiling and laughing like it was another day at school.

"Kind of," I mumbled and turned my attention back to Samantha. She was playing with her tutu, a large grin across her face. "That's a very beautiful outfit you have on."

"Thanks. It's for my dance." She giggled.

"You dance?" I asked. She nodded. "My Bella dances."

"She should come dance with me!" She started jumping up and down. "Will she?"

"Maybe kid. I'll have to ask her."

"She should come to the talent show!"

"Talent show?"

She nodded. "It's going to be so much fun. Will you come?"

"Of course I will."

"Samantha!" A woman called. I assumed it was her mother. "Come on sweetie."

"Bye bye Edward." She waved and ran off.

"Bye Samantha."

I stood up and took one last look around the room before leaving. On the way out I passed a bulletin board and noticed a flyer for the Talent Show. It said it was being put on by a local non-profit and featured all of the kids. All of the proceeds were going to cancer research. This was it.

I unpinned the flyer and took it with me as I rushed out of the hallway. I stopped by to chat with Carlisle, just to run it by him and make sure he could get her in. He was thrilled. Now I just had to talk to Bella.

The room was empty when I got back. The others probably went to get coffee or food, but it was just as well. I wanted to talk to her alone first.

I sat down on the edge of her bed and started talking to her, asking her to wake up.

"Baby…wake up…" I whispered. Her eyes fluttered and finally opened slightly.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I have an idea."

"An idea for what?"

"Your connection." I smiled and held up the flyer.

"A talent show? Edward I don't have any talent besides…"

"Dancing. You can dance."

"I'm not strong enough to do that." She shook her head, looking defeated.

"But you can be." I took her face in my hands. "Bella you can be. I'll work with you. I'll even pay that bitch of a teacher to come up here and work with you. We will get you strong enough to do this. Baby you deserve it." I kissed her forehead and for the first time in a long time I saw a genuine smile play on her lips.

"Absolutely not," Charlie boomed. I closed my eyes and cursed when I realized he was standing in the doorway. I knew he'd have something to say about this.

"Charlie…" I started.

"It's out of the question Edward. Do you see her right now? She's in a hospital bed barely surviving."

"And she won't survive unless she finds something to live for."

"She has her family and her friends. And you."

"That's not enough!" I said, a little louder than I meant to. "Don't you see that? She needs something for her, just her. She needs to marvel at something, work at something. Do something outside of herself that makes her happy. I know because I needed that too." I looked over at Bella and smiled, remembering how we used to feel in that studio every time we met. "I paint. She dances."

"Look Edward I appreciate…"

"It's not up to you Charlie."

"She's in no condition to make a decision like this," he said.

"Why don't you talk about her like she's not in the room? I talked to Carlisle and he said it would be excellent physical therapy to get her strength up again."

"Do not tell me…"

"Stop it!" Bella said. "Both of you stop arguing." She slowly sat up and glanced at the two of us. "Edward…" She mumbled. "Can I talk to you alone?"

I nodded and glanced over at Charlie. He grumbled and left the room.

"I heard…Carlisle. Before," she said. "Is it true? Is it gone?"

"He said it looks promising." I took her hand in mine and started playing with her tiny fingers. "Have you thought about it?"

"Thought about what?"

"Having the surgery…to…you know…remove…"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because they're my breasts Edward. I'm not…I'm not a woman without them. I wouldn't feel beautiful without them."

"Baby I'm from L.A. I can get you new boobs if you really want them. I wish you'd think about it. Carlisle says it significantly lowers your chances of it recurring in the future…just as a precaution. Please just think about it."

"Fine I'll think about it." She ran her fingers over her scalp. "At least my hair is starting to grow back."

I leaned down and pressed my lips against hers. "You know if you'd start eating better I bet it would grow faster."

"Liar."

"Am not." I brushed my lips down her jaw and nibbled lightly on her neck. "You can't start dancing until you eat something."

"Who said I was going to do it?"

"No one. I just knew."

"That doesn't surprise me." She looked towards the door.

"What's wrong?"

She sighed. "Can you get me something to eat?" She smiled. "I'm starving."

* * *

**A/N: Thank you guys for being patient with the update! I had spring break and midterms so I was a busy girl. **

**I hope you guys understand why I'm not dragging out her illness over chapters and chapters and I hope I'm doing it justice despite that. It's been an emotional journey for me with this story and I do not want to make it so depressing that its unreadable. That wasn't my intent. This chapter was especially hard for me. That whole bit about being terrified about the unknown, that was the first and only time I saw my grandma break down over her illness and its something I'll never forget. She said she hated not knowing what was going to happen and its such a real and overwhelming fear for someone battling any disease.**

**So Bella is going to dance for her life and I want you guys to be able to be there with her. For that reason and the fact that I'm having a hard time choosing "the one", you get to choose the song she dances to, so go check out the poll on my profile and listen to all the songs before voting for your favorite!**

**Anyway, on a more positive note, my entry took 2nd place in the voter's poll in the Love Is In The Air Contest so thank you to everyone who checked that out and voted! I'm so excited. The entry is now also posted on my page, called To The Moon and Back. I will also be receiving a banner for it and I'll post that on my blog as soon as I get it.**

**ImHereToReview and I are hosting a contest and have already received a TON of entries. It's called the Quickie Contest and you should check it out : )**

**Thanks again guys, I appreciate you!**


	24. Never Say Never

**A/N: Bella's song she dances to is "Never Say Never" by the Fray as chosen by you guys! Thanks for voting.**

**Bella**

"Can I dance today?" I asked, tapping my fingers anxiously against my stomach.

"We have to wait for Carlisle to clear you for practice babe. Just give him a minute." Edward sat at my desk as I laid in bed. They'd let me go home a few days ago as long as I promised to eat and take care of myself. I'd come to the tough decision to have the surgery, but not until after the talent show. I wanted to do it and there was no way I'd be able to get strong enough if I had the surgery before. I was actually excited about something again. I'd found my connection.

I told myself when we left the hospital that I was done being there for awhile, with the exception of my upcoming surgery. It was like I felt a spark, a switch turn on inside of me. I didn't want to live my life afraid of what might happen. This was what I was given and I damn well better enjoy it while it lasts, however long that may be.

Alice walked into the room and eyed me with a smile. "Edward get out. I need to talk to Bella."

"What the hell do you have to talk about that you can't talk about in front of me?" He asked.

Alice shrugged. "Girl stuff. But if you want to sit in here while I talk about my heavy menstrual flow, then by all means."

Edward made a disgusted face and left the room without another word. Alice closed the door behind her and sat down on the bed beside me. "That thing you wanted me to do. It's done."

"Is it really?" My eyes widened in surprise. "You mean it's all done?"

"All set up. All purchased with a little help from Dad. All ready to go. Here's the key." She handed me a small key. "He's going to love it. And I also talked to that guy. He said once Edward gets some pieces done he'll stop by and take a look."

"Great. Thank you so much Alice."

Alice had found the business card when she wore Edward's coat out to get some milk a few days ago. Apparently some art dealer type person had given it to Edward and he never told me about it, probably because he thought I was dealing with enough. But everything was getting better now. I wanted him to have something for him. With a little convincing from me and Alice, Carlisle had agreed to finance a new studio for Edward to work in. Carlisle and I snuck out of the apartment the day I got home so I could show him some of Edward's work. He was a little hesitant at first to even walk with me, but I told him it was good for me to get out and as one of my doctor's he should encourage good exercise habits. Once he saw Edward's paintings, any fear he'd had about Edward being an artist was gone. He saw how much love and devotion he put into them with one look. And damn if my boy wasn't talented. Alice took care of everything else for me and now he had somewhere to paint.

"Bella?" Edward poked his head in the room, interrupting my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"Carlisle said you can start today." He smiled. "If…" He narrowed his eyes at me. "You take it very, very easy and don't push yourself too hard."

"Really?" I pulled the blanket off and got out of bed.

"Yes. And there's something else. You have a visitor."

"A visitor?"

"Yep. Come on." He disappeared, leaving the door wide open. "Can I get you something to drink?" He asked.

"No thank you," a voice answered. I stiffened, trying to figure out where I knew it from. It was familiar, very familiar but I just couldn't place it. "Is Miss Swan going to be long?"

"No fucking way," I whispered to myself. I walked across the bedroom and peeked out into the living room.

"Language Isabella. I will not have my ballerinas sounding like hooligans," she snapped. Edward laughed under his breath and she shot him a look.

"Edward! Now!" I pointed to the bedroom and he scurried towards me like a dog with his tail between his legs. As soon as he passed me, I gave her a smile and told her I'd be one moment.

"What did I do?"

"You brought that witch of a woman to work with me!"

"I know you didn't have the best relationship with your ballet instructor, but you did say she was good didn't you?"

"Yes." I crossed my arms.

"And she could probably help you more than anyone right?"

"Probably, but why does it have to be her? She's such a bitch!"

There was a knock on the door and I was terrified I'd spoke too loud. She poked her sharp, harsh figure inside and cocked her eyebrow. "Language."

"Sorry."

"Are we ready to leave then?"

"Yes. Let me just grab my things." I piled all of my stuff into a bag and finally started towards the door. Edward threw me a sandwich on our way out and told me to behave. Apparently since I'd started feeling better I'd been reverting back to my sarcastic tendencies more and more.

"Isabella?" She called.

"Miss Charlotte." I gulped hard as we started down the steps.

"I know you may think I was too harsh on you, but Mr. Cullen was correct. I am the best. And bitch or not I will help you. Is that understood?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good." She stopped and turned towards me. "Because the only reason I was harsh on you was because I saw your potential and I saw something else in your eyes that reminded me a lot of myself."

"What's that?"

"How much you love dancing." She turned without another word and started out of the building, expecting me to follow her. I quickly caught up and we found our way to her ballet studio. I wondered silently how much this was costing for private lessons.

Miss Charlotte turned on all the lights and turned around to face me. "Shall we begin?"

The next couple of weeks were tough. She didn't push me too hard at first since I was still so weak, but it was more than that. I was so out of shape and my feet got banged up again. Edward always had ice ready for me when I got home and always gave me a massage when I needed one. My routine wasn't going to be as complicated as I would like it to be. I'm not quite there yet. I just wanted to dance.

The night of the talent show I was really nervous. For some reason I was anxious to perform in front of my dad. I guess it's because he was so against me dancing. And I knew that it wasn't because he hated the act, he hated what it had come to be associated with in my life.

"You're going to do great baby." Edward leaned down and kissed me.

"Out of the way, out of the way. I have things to do with our ballerina." Alice pushed her way through carrying a large bag of shit. I was terrified. Thankfully I didn't really have enough hair for her to do more than clip a bow in it.

"Okay I'll get out." Edward smiled. "If you get nervous just find me in the crowd Bella. Dance for me okay?"

"Okay." I took a shaky breath and let Alice drag me back into the prep area. There were little kids everywhere putting on their outfits and letting their moms do their hair and makeup.

"Bella!" A little voice squeaked from behind me.

"Samantha!" I bent down and kissed her cheek. "How are you today?" Edward had taken me to meet her a couple of weeks ago and to say we bonded instantly would have been an understatement. Her mom even let her come over and watch movies with me the other night.

"I'm so excited! Do I get to see you dance?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to watch my dance?"

"Yes."

"Okay good. I gotta go." She smiled and waved before running back to her mother.

"Sit and let me work my magic," Alice said. After she did my makeup, I started to get up because I thought I was done. "Where are you going?"

"Aren't you done with my makeup?"

"Yes, but I'm not done with the rest of you."

"There's nothing else to be done," I said slowly, my eyes roaming down my body. I was wearing a black leotard and skirt and pink tights. "I'm ready."

"I've got some magic up my sleeve." Alice smirked and reached in her bag. "Well in my bag."

She turned me away from the mirror and started messing with my hair…or what hair I had. I had no idea what she was doing, but my head kept feeling heavier and heavier. And then I finally felt it. Hair.

"How did you?" I asked, the tears starting to form behind my eyes.

"Extensions are a beautiful thing my dear. Your real hair was just long enough to do them."

"Thank you," I whispered.

She finished with my hair and tucked it all up in a head scarf for "dramatic effect" she said.

"And now you're ready…" She said.

"Not quite yet." I looked up and saw Miss Charlotte standing in front of me. "Can I have a moment Miss Cullen?"

"Of course." Alice leaned down and kissed my cheek. "I love you. And you're going to be amazing."

"Thanks."

Miss Charlotte waited for Alice to leave before she spoke. "I just wanted to give you something."

"You didn't have to get me anything. You've helped me enough." Over the past couple of weeks, Miss Charlotte and I had come to an understanding. I still thought she was a bitch, but I understood her and she understood me and we worked well together. She did help me more than I ever thought she could and I got more accomplished than I expected to.

"I wanted to. I'm very proud of you, you know. And not just for how hard you've worked over the past few weeks, but for what you've experienced in the last few months." She held her hand out to me and I noticed a necklace strung around her fingers. It was silver with a beautiful pink ribbon done out in gems.

"This is beautiful."

"It's just like mine." She reached into her shirt and pulled out a similar necklace.

"But…" I shook my head.

"In remission for five years."

"I had no idea."

"Most people don't from just looking at me. It's not like a keep it a secret but I refuse to let my illness be the first thing people notice about me." She helped me fasten the necklace. "It's a part of me, but it isn't me. Today is the start of your new life Isabella. Do not let it control you. Live your life. And God forbid it ever comes back, you fight until you're done fighting. Life and love is possible during and after cancer. It does not…define you." She lingered for a moment before she left me to my thoughts.

I played with the necklace as it hung from my neck until I heard the music start. I smiled, realizing that it was starting. I was the last act of the evening, but I promised one little girl I'd watch her dance.

**Edward**

"How is she?" Renee asked as I stepped towards the back of the theater. Everyone was here. Charlie, Jasper, Emmett, Rose…even Siobhan.

"She's a little nervous, but she'll be okay."

"Edward can I have a word?" Charlie asked. He nodded away from the group and I followed him a few steps. "I just wanted to say thank you. I know I'm a stubborn ass and I'm still not sure about this whole dancing thing, but she looks better. She looks stronger and I guess I have you to thank for that."

"Charlie when are you going to learn that I always know what I'm doing," I teased. I laughed and held out my hand. He shook it and tried not to crack a smile.

"Yeah we'll see about that. And I uh…picked up the thing earlier."

"You did? I didn't know it was ready."

"Well since the majority of it was on my credit card, they called me." He pulled the small box out of his pocket and handed it to me.

"Thank you. I mean really thank you for the help. I'll pay you back as soon as I get the money."

"Don't worry about it. Think of it as an early wedding present."

"Charlie it's too much."

"Take the ring damn it and I don't want to hear another word about it."

A woman passed by us with a confused look on her face.

"Okay fine," I said.

I tucked the box into my pocket and we rejoined the group. Alice came out just as the music started so we all took our spots. We decided to forgo seats and just stand in the back so we could really see her.

The kids were fucking adorable. There were a few that sang songs, one magician and one ventriloquist. Samantha danced by herself, just like Bella, and she did so well. Maybe next year she and Bella could do a duet…or whatever it's called to have two dancers.

I held my breath as they announced the last performer of the evening and she stepped out onto the stage. It was shadowed in darkness so I could only see her outline as she stretched to her starting pose. This would be the first time I'd seen her routine. She refused to let me see it any earlier.

The music started and a single spotlight illuminated her stage. She slowly pushed one leg out, trailing her toe around on the floor. She popped up on her toe and spun around, ever so slowly twirling around in a circle. She reached for the scarf around her head and tugged on the end. It unraveled as she twisted around, almost like a ribbon falling from the sky. I gasped as long, dark curls fell in its place.

I glanced over at Alice, in complete awe of what she'd given Bella. She smiled and wiped a tear from her cheek.

I turned my eyes back to Bella, almost unable to look anywhere else. Everyone was completely silent as she danced. The only sound was the music in the background and the soft thud of her feet when they hit the floor every now and then. I'd never seen anything so beautiful in my life and I knew in that moment that this was how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to meet her. I was supposed to fall in love with her. Hell maybe she was even supposed to get cancer. It brought us together more than I could have ever imagined and made us stronger people because of it. Now I was ready to face anything with her.

She did a small leap and lifted her leg off the ground, swinging it behind her gracefully. Renee reached over and took my hand in hers. I glanced her way and noticed Charlie beside her, staring at his daughter with adoration and amazement.

The song came to an end way too soon and she lowered herself into a bow as the crowd erupted in cheers. I whistled as Alice jumped up and down beside me. Jasper stood behind her, supporting her just like I'd want my sister's boyfriend to be. Emmett and Rose stood in the background, taking everything in with their arms around each other. I glanced through the crowd and looked for my parents. I noticed them down towards the front and waved as the house lights flicked back on.

We all waited for Bella to come out from backstage and she eventually did. I noticed Miss Charlotte duck out the side door from backstage and I assumed they'd been talking.

"Hi guys," Bella said. She came to my side and immediately wrapped her arm around my waist.

"Hey babe." I kissed her forehead. "You were amazing, stupendous, graceful, elegant…" I racked my brain for more words.

"Beautiful," Charlie said. He nodded and stared at Bella. "Just beautiful honey. I get it. I get it now."

Bella slipped from me and gave her father a hug before darting around to the others. She carried herself with such pride and dignity that I knew she was going to be okay. This was who she was. My Bella.

"Anyone up for drinks?" I asked.

"I'm in," Emmett said.

"Me too!" Alice raised her hand.

"We'll meet you guys," Bella said. She grabbed my hand again and waved to the others as she pulled me towards the door.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"It's a surprise."

"Okay."

I let her lead me through the streets until we came to a tall building that I'd never seen before. She walked right in and up one flight of stairs. When we reached the door she pulled out a key and stuck it in the lock.

"We um….we found something in your coat pocket." She pulled a business card out of her pocket and I instantly recognized it as the one that guy had given me before when he was interested in my art. "Why didn't you tell me babe?"

"We had enough to deal with then. It can wait."

"It's waited long enough." She took a step towards me and tugged at my shirt. "You told me I need my connection. Something to live for. You gave that back to me and now I want to give that to you." She turned around and pushed the door open.

I stepped inside and flipped on the light.

"Holy shit," I said. The room was filled with every art tool I could ever imagine. I had sinks, stations, easels, paint, and paint brushes. And that was only the things I could see. "How did you…?"

"Carlisle helped me. And Alice." She shrugged.

"Carlisle helped you with this?" I snorted. My father would barely listen to me talk about anything but med school and now he bought me a studio.

"I showed him some of your stuff."

It all dawned on me. "The night you two went for a walk together. That's what you were doing."

"Well I had to show him. He had to know."

"Thank you sweetheart, this is beyond amazing." I pressed my lips to hers and felt my heart fucking flutter when she smiled.

"Will you paint something?"

"Sure." I shrugged out of my jacket and moved to one of the blank canvases. My fingers brushed over some of my new supplies, completely in awe that they were mine. Everything was so nice, so professional looking.

"Oh and another thing. Business card guy wants to see your work after you get some done." She walked over to the windows and opened them. A slight breeze swept through the room, blowing the curtains back.

I smiled and started putting some paint out for me to use. Bella started dancing a little, not like she was practicing, just remembering from earlier tonight.

The weight of the ring box was heavy in my pocket and I knew it was the right moment. I picked up some red paint with my brush and started swiping it across the canvas. Two words. Seven letters. That's all I needed.

"Done," I said, stepping back from the easel.

"Already? That was quick."

"Eh I knew exactly what I wanted to do."

She skipped over and took my hand as she faced the canvas. She went silent as she read over the words.

"Marry me," she whispered.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring. "I think that's my line." I knelt down beside her and opened the box. "So," I said with a smile. "What do you think?"

She bit down on her lip and played with the ends of her new hair before picking up my paintbrush. She dipped it in the paint and started writing below my words. When she stepped back my heart constricted, swelling with so much love that I thought it would beat right out of my chest.

"That's what I think," she said.

I slipped the ring on her finger and read over the word once more. _Yes._

**A/N: This a/n is going to be a little longer than most, just a fair warning. This is the last regular chapter of Secret Life. There is one epilogue that I already have done and will be posting soon. In an effort to preserve the end of the epilogue I'm going to do my thank you's and announcements here instead of there. So this is my last author's note for this story.**

**I cannot express how much the support for this story has meant to me. I never expected the outpouring of emotion and all of the stories you all shared with me, I feel honored to have heard them and feel honored to have written this. Its something I put my heart into and I knew before I even started that it was not going to be a huge story, but that didn't matter to me. I told it because I wanted to tell it and that's it. I'm so happy you decided to stay with it, even when it got really hard.**

**There are so many people that were so instrumental in keeping this story going. Thank you. I especially want to thank my beta for her kind advice when I was unsure of what I was doing. It meant a lot to me and I'm lucky to have you on board : )**

**I want to take a moment and urge you to donate to Breast Cancer Research, or any cancer research foundation. Everyone is affected by this horrible disease and we have to do everything we can to stop it from taking away the people we love, ourselves included. **

**Secret Life is going to be up for the Fic of week on The Lemonade Stand. If you follow me on twitter I'll announce when that poll is up. I'm honored to even be mentioned for a second time on that site and am so proud that Secret Life was one of them. **

**The epilogue to this story is something I've planned on since the beginning of this story. Like I said, there is no real a/n after it, but if you have questions about anything please PM me and I'd be happy to answer them. I don't want to give too much away about the epi, but its one of the pieces I feel most connected to. P.S Thanks to LZTZ for suggesting Enigma's "Return to Innocence." She said it reminded her so much of Bella and the epilogue would not be what it is without that influence so thank you B. Davis.**

**I did this story to honor my grandmother and to help myself through some of the pain of losing her. I'm not all the way there yet. I'm naïve to think that this will make everything okay, but I cannot tell you what a relief it is to at least say what I'm feeling, spell it out even if it's in a story like this. Thank you for allowing me to do this and I hope that everyone who has been affected by cancer was able to find a little bit of beauty in the breaking. **


	25. Epilogue: Return to Innocence

**Edward**

"I'll be there in a minute," I called after her as she hopped out of the car, her long brunette hair blowing in the wind. She walked across the grass and knelt down onto the ground, securing the baby close to her heart.

I smiled slightly as I watched her and turned back to the blank piece of paper resting against the dashboard of the car. I took a deep breath and slipped the pen from my ear before I started to right.

_Bella,_

_It's odd isn't it? A little over a year ago we were driving down the coast of California and now we're here. Everything happened so fast. Almost like I blinked and everything had changed. And it has, hasn't it sweetheart?_

_Loving you has taught me so many things, but mostly that hope is the most powerful thing we have in our possession and even when that fails, there is something to live for. I wouldn't trade one minute, one moment of our relationship for anything. It wasn't always perfect and I know it was hard, especially lately, to see the good through the bad. You've showed me love Bella, you've showed me life, given me everything I never deserved and for that I'll be eternally grateful. I never thought I'd be here now, giving this letter to you, when I first met you at the coffee shop. Even if I didn't realize it consciously at the time, I knew instantly that meeting you was a significant moment in my life. I met you and that was it. _

I stopped writing and looked back outside. They swept over the beautiful trees, the sunlight splaying over the grass. It was the perfect place. I played absentmindedly with my wedding ring as I turned back to my letter.

_We buried you yesterday. It doesn't seem real, not having you here with us. When we were younger, the day you left the hospital you told me you were done being afraid. You wanted to live your life until it was done, whenever that may be. And now it's come. I know you were ready to go baby, but I can't say that forever would be long enough with you and I feel like a part of me is missing right now. I guess a part of me takes comfort that you aren't in pain anymore, that nothing can touch you ever again. I'll always remember you that way, young and innocent. And you've returned to it. It's like a vicious tug of war in my heart and I feel like a selfish bastard for wanting to keep you here with me. _

"Dad?" My daughter turned her head towards me and adjusted her son on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just finishing up." I gave her a reassuring nod and started writing again.

_I don't want you to worry about your dance studio; we're taking care of it. You should have seen all of your students at the funeral. They all came in their ballet shoes…well I'm sure you know the rest. Sure throwing used ballet shoes instead of flowers into a grave is a little unconventional, but I knew it would have made you smile. They loved you so much and I know they will all be better dancers because of you. I think the only dancer you've never been able to help was me and that's because I'm a freak of nature and have no sense of rhythm. _

_I feel like I could write you the longest letter in the world and I would never say all I wanted to say. The funny thing is that you probably know all of it, even if I don't say it. You always knew all the words in my heart even in the silence. _

_Alice is already organizing a benefit in your name, even though I told her you wouldn't want a big fuss made over you no matter how much you deserve it. She didn't listen of course. She's planning on donating all of the proceeds from her next fashion line to breast cancer research in your honor. Jasper has been nothing but supportive of her the past few days and I'm thankful for that because I've been having a hell of a time keeping myself together. Sometimes it feels like you aren't even gone. I don't feel you gone yet. And then those few moments that I do are completely debilitating. You were the center of our world love, and it's just not complete without you in it. Just know that wherever you are, I'm missing you. Always. _

I set the pen down and took a deep breath. I opened the glove compartment and set the pen inside before opening the car door and getting out.

"Papa." My grandson reached for me as I reached them. My daughter took my hand and we both felt a silence settle over us.

"She's happy isn't she?" She asked, staring down at the ground below us.

"Yeah baby I think she is." I leaned over and kissed her head. It always struck me how much she looked like Bella. She had her hair and her eyes. And her grace and strength.

"What?" She asked, turning towards me.

"You just remind me of your mother is all." I tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. A tear slipped from her cheek and she squeezed my hand.

"She was so brave at the end. I don't know if I will ever have that kind of courage."

"You do. You just don't know it yet." Even when the cancer came back for the third and last time, I saw no fear in Bella's eyes. I think she knew this was it, even though she didn't want it to be. In a way we were both thankful it had waited so long to rear its ugly head again. We had a beautiful, long life together filled with more love than I could have ever imagined. And even though it wasn't long enough, the time we had was perfect. I was grateful for her and everything she'd given me.

"How are we going to do this? I don't know how to let her go."

"You don't have to let her go. Ever." I bent down and brushed my hand across Bella's gravestone. "Keep her with you everywhere you go. And she'll be there. Every time I paint she'll be with me. It's impossible to be me without carrying her in my heart." I set the letter at the bottom of the stone and stood back up.

"I'll go strap in Tucker and give you a few minutes." She patted my back and headed back to the car.

I nodded and stuck my hands in my pockets. "I guess there's nothing left to say," I whispered.

"And everything left to say." I read over the words carved into her gravestone one more time.

_Isabella Cullen_

_Devoted Wife, Sister, Mother_

_1987-2052_

I took a few more moments to be with her. I was terrified to leave her out here alone, but I guess it wasn't so bad. This place was beautiful for her and because of her at the same time. I leaned over and touched her name before bringing my hand over my heart and whispering that I loved her. "It's not the end baby." I closed my eyes and turned away from the tombstone.

I climbed silently back into the car and we drove away, leaving half of my heart behind. When we started reaching the edge of town, my daughter finally turned to me and cleared her throat.

"Should I drop you off at the house?" She asked.

"No." I shook my head. "Take me to my studio. I want to do some work."

"Dad are you sure? Maybe you should take a few days off."

"No. I need to."

"Okay."

She dropped me off at the studio and I kissed them both goodbye. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Everything was just as I'd left it. Paint brushes scattered across splattered tables. Half done canvases and blank ones set up all over the room. Our "Marry Me" painting hung in the corner. I was lucky that I could afford something this nice. I never knew I'd be able to have all of this, but Bella made sure of it when she practically forced me to showcase my work.

I put on some soft music and cracked open one of the windows. The soft, wispy curtains fluttered a little in the wind as I walked back over to one of the blank canvases.

I grasped the paintbrush tightly in my hand, even though it hurt a little. My arthritis was starting to get to me, but I refused to let it take away my painting. It was the place I could always find her.

I dipped it in some paint and raised it to the canvas as the curtains fluttered again. I glanced up over the easel and smiled as she stepped from the curtains into the room. She was light, airy, a faint glow surrounding her. Her long brown hair fell in waves down her back, just like it did when we were younger. It was my Bella.

"There you are," she said. She twirled behind the curtains as they blew in the wind and peeked out with a smile. She kicked her leg out and danced across the floor so lightly it was like she was floating. It reminded me of her dance at the hospital talent show. The one that saved her life all those years ago. And in that moment I knew the words I'd told my daughter earlier were true. Bella was happy, wherever she was.

I smiled and went back to painting, the image of her dancing behind my easel. I painted. She danced. And for those few hours the world seemed a little simpler than the rest of the day.

**I dedicate this story to my grandmother and all those who have lost their fight, are still fighting, or will fight. Never give up.**


End file.
